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Doing
All We Can Do
When a Loved One Strays
by Darla
Isackson
I received a
thought-provoking reply to my "Title of Liberty" article. The author
was concerned lest we use the concept of honoring agency as an excuse
to do less than we CAN do. I am in total accord with her ideas.
Although coercion is never effective and we need to guard carefully
against unrighteous dominion, there is much we can do. In fact,
discovering the true place of agency in our child-rearing efforts
should take us to our knees and lead us to learn, as it did the
author of this reply, that we can open the powers of heaven in behalf
of our families. This does not mean they will instantly change for
the better. Regardless of their response, we can be left with a
greater measure of peace when we truly know that we have done all
we can do. This inspired woman and fine writer gave me permission
to quote from two letters she sent me as long as I did not use her
name or divulge personal information about her family. I will honor
those guidelines and call her "Jean." I had, at first, planned to
insert quotes from her letters into my own text. However, I could
soon see that her ideas stand on their own.
After sharing
the fact that at this point in time several members of her family
are lost to the "dark side" Jean said,
It would
be easy to dismiss me as either being a major failure or, worse,
of trying to use coercion to force members of my family to "see
the light." Neither is true, for I have had a personal witness that
the Lord is pleased with my efforts (I say this humbly and hesitatingly
for obvious reasons). My family members who have chosen to live
in the darkness certainly do cast some blame on me. This is, of
course, natural, and is perfectly illustrated in the account of
Laman and Lemuel.
My first
attempts at trying to help them to see the joy of the light centered
around trying to be an example and doing what you term "beaming
my joy" at them. Now, I do not know if at some time in the future
this will have some influence but at this point I would have to
say it hasn't. During the Savior's mortal ministry, the only people
who truly saw Him were those who desired to see Him, so the major
purpose of "beaming our light" is simply fulfilling our commitment
to stand as a witness so those who want to see will see. We simply
must do this as disciples of Christ as the command to "let our light
so shine" that others may see sanctifies us as we fulfill the commandment.
What others perceive as they see (or don't see) our light is beyond
our influence. So, I think that we sometimes make a major mistake
if we think that simply setting a good example will do the trick.
Elder Maxwell has said that "in the last days discipleship must
be lived in crescendo" and Elder Eyring has warned us that our spiritual
efforts of the past will no longer suffice as the darkness of the
world grows more intense. I think we must increase our spiritual
efforts both personally and in behalf of those we love who are struggling.
I also
learned deep lessons, as you did, about the Lord's commitment to
agency, but--and this is a very, very big "but"--we do not know
what is needed in the life of someone involved in sin and we do
not know their timing, nor do we know to what kingdom they really
want to go. There are so many variables here in mortality and I
believe that a person caught up in sin has forgotten his/her divinity
and potential. How do we know whether or not we are dealing with
an Alma the younger, one of the sons of Mosiah, or a Paul? And we
can only imagine the pain and agony these men caused their families!
I am sure it was similar to what we have been through. Anyway, because
of this I have learned that even while we understand and respect
agency, we still must make all spiritual efforts possible (as I
feel sure our Father did in our pre-earth life) in behalf of a spouse
or child struggling and mired in sin. And this we must do in spite
of any pain and suffering we are called to go through. I have learned
not to take the pain they cause me personally. Although this is
very hard to do initially, when one gives up pain and suffering
to the Savior whose precious Atonement covers it all, then a sweet
sanctifying thing happens that I don't think I can properly describe.
There is a way, in fact, that the pain becomes a blessing as it
actually strengthens and stretches us and we learn more about the
Atonement of our beloved Savior.
Discouragement
is never far away. It only awaits a tired moment, a weak moment,
a distracted by the "cares of the world" moment to rush in with
all its debilitating power. We know where it comes from, of course,
as certainly Satan is very angry with anyone who tries to save the
people he thinks he has won over. It is a continual battle but a
magnificent battle, and one that (except when I get really tired)
I am actually happy and humbled that my Heavenly Father has entrusted
to me.
I have
seen sisters, in fact one dear friend of mine, decide that since
agency is involved they don't really need to do too much. This greatly
concerns me. I have also seen parents do the same thing. I had a
dear bishop say to me "don't cross the finish line alone." I have
pondered much and worked on this. I don't believe that he meant
to just bring those along who want to come willingly and express
their gratitude to us, but that this type of commission also encompasses
those who seem, at first (and this "at first" could last a good
part, even all of a parent's mortal probation--Enos is a prime example)
to continually "kick against the pricks." The Lord said to Paul,
"It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks". I feel great compassion
in this statement from our Savior to one mired in sin. One reason
I was able to hang in there for so long (more than two decades)
with my ex is that I was blessed to be able to feel his pain so
I had the strength to work as hard as I did. I would never have
left him because I had made a commitment, and I knew he was sick
spiritually. After all, we go to tremendous lengths to get ourselves
or someone else healed physically, submitting to risky surgical
procedures, taking drugs with dangerous side effects, anything to
get well, yet in the spiritual realm we don't usually put forth
such efforts; this seems to me to be a major problem with priorities.
I wonder
if we, as sisters, fully realize the depth of power the adversary
wields. It is so easy to say, "Oh well, he/she has a testimony.
They'll come around," or just sit back and do not increase greatly
our spiritual efforts. I believe that a lesson of Alma and Alma
the younger is typified in what I have related. Alma, even as prophet,
had no influence on his son as far as "waiting" or setting a good
example, or even in his keeping all the commandments. It was only
when he increased his own spiritual efforts in behalf of his son
"pray [ing] with much faith" with all this entailed, that the very
thing happened that Alma the younger needed. Much is implied here,
of course, but I think the major lesson is that our faith needs
to be proactive and that we need to be able to call down all the
powers of heaven at our disposal.
It is when
we know deep inside, by the power of the Spirit, that we have really
done all we can do with all this entails, that peace comes. It is
when deep inside we know that we really have not done all we could
have done when peace and the full joy of the gospel eludes us and
this is the place where the adversary enters in ever so quietly
and ever so effectively.
I have
a very strong and sure testimony that while a struggling spouse
or child is still living in our home that there is something there,
buried deep inside perhaps, that is keeping them close to us and
we need to accept this humbly and recognize the preciousness and
sacredness of the opportunity that we have been given. I remember
reading once that a young man wrote a long letter to President Kimball
outlining all the faults he saw in Church members. President Kimball
wrote back a short reply, "Yes, I know. Please help them all you
can." What all this help entails will be personal and may stretch
us way beyond the limits we thought we had. I don't think we are
capable of understanding what all we need in our own development
let alone what is needed for others.
I often
reflect that it must have been hard for Jacob to watch his seemingly
unbelieving son not "get it". Yet if we were to ask Jacob if it
mattered in an eternal sense when Enos "got it" of course he would
say it did not. The important thing is that Enos did "get it".
Yes, there
will be Laman and Lemuels in our families. But, even though Lehi
was shown in vision that his sons would not "come unto Christ" yet
he did not give up his extensive efforts in their behalf and he
continued to sorrow for them. When and if the Lord tells us that
"it is enough" I believe that it is only at that point that we let
them go as did the prodigal son's father or when Nephi and his followers
separated themselves from Laman and Lemuel. And, I have known so
many, many sisters who have not waited patiently on the Lord for
such deep inspiration and have simply decided that they don't want
to "put up with it any longer". Then, I have seen these sisters
struggle deeply and often lose their testimonies. Sometimes I think
we forget that secular marriage vows say "in sickness and in health."
We should have the strength to face whatever sickness our spouses
or children have and do all in our power while calling down all
the powers of heaven in their behalf. Only then does peace come
and only then can we be free, really free, to feel the blessing
of "afflictions being swallowed up in the joy of Christ."
[Only one
of my family members is currently active in the Church.] Am I discouraged?
No, I am not! I have been given so much inspiration, so much! I
have been given so much knowledge and I feel peaceful. I know how
to do all in my power and then let these things rest in the hands
of Him who truly knows them, knows what and when and where they
need the experiences, people, etc. who will help and then, in the
end, if they still choose another kingdom, well, they are all kingdoms
of glory and who am I to do anything other than what our Father
would do, does do, and what our Savior would do and does do? Much
comes down to trying to learn what our Savior meant when He said
we were to follow Him. He did far more than just set a good example,
He constantly preached and strongly and courageously too (the key
for us is to seek the Spirit when we are attempting to say what
the Lord would have us say to a struggling loved one). He taught
that some things "goeth not out but by fasting and prayer".
[As I continued
to fast and pray and follow the counsel of a visiting Authority
to be active in missionary work] I began to grow in ways that I
cannot even describe. My fasting, always first for [family members],
began to encompass much more and I saw many miracles occur, not
only for [them] but in the lives of others. My eyes became opened
in a way hard to describe and my feelings of failure simply vanished
along with the bouts of depression. I began to really understand
what Alma teaches about afflictions being swallowed up in the joy
of Christ. Mind you, [my family members] rejected the miracles and
grew farther away, but I was full of joy!
As Sheri
Dew says in her book, No Doubt About It : we need to understand
who we really are as women of God and what our full potential is.
We must be warriors, and strong ones. We can afford to be no less.
The battle is waging and escalating and victims are falling all
around us. The deeper the wounds the harder they are to heal. I
think we need to understand, or put great efforts into trying to
understand, all the implications of being "Saviors on Mount Zion."
I believe there
are many ideas worth pondering in this sister's heartfelt response.
So many things in our lives are not as they seem on the surface.
We know so little and need the Lord so much.
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