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Children
and the "Title of Liberty"
by Darla Isackson
I had another
one of those experiences recently that caused me to look long and
hard at the concept of agency. Just when I thought I had this principle
well internalized, one of my grown children made some choices that
brought back some of the old emotional pain and futile "what ifs."
You know the kind, "What if I had set a better example, been a better
teacher?" "What if I had been better at consequences? What if I'd
been better at providing experiences that develop the ability to
look ahead in decision-making? What if we had held more quality
family home evenings, had better communication in our family? Would
that have made the difference?" Such questions are about as helpful
as feathers on a fish. I can't go back and redo the past; all I
can do is move forward from where I am. The real challenge is to
accept the reality of how things are with faith in Christ and in
His never-failing love for me and for my children. I find the AA
serenity prayer a good guide in my parenting role: "God, grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Generally, all I can change is myself and the quality of
my love and influence.
I have to conclude
that I am building my house on sand if the strength of my faith
depends on having things turn out the way I want or having children
do what I think is best. When I want my will done I am
inclined to label myself a failure when it isn't done.
When I tune into God's perspective, I have not failed as long as
I am seeking and submitting to God's will and pursuing the path
of growth. I'm inclined to believe that if, through the course of
all the trials and adversities and ups and downs of life, a person
turns to Christ and develops a celestial character, everything in
that life has been a success, no matter how bad it looked along
the way. When I remember and apply that thought to both to my children
and myself, peace returns.
If We
Could Have Done Better, We Would Have!
One of the biggest traps, that mothers of grown children particularly
seem to fall into, is the idea that we somehow should have done
better, should have been closer to perfection in our interactions
with our children. I submit that we all did the best we could in
the framework of our personal emotional, physical, and spiritual
challenges. Heaven only knows if we could have done better, we would
have!
Interestingly
enough, even if we had somehow succeeded in being "perfect parents"
there is no doubt that our children would still be making
imperfect choices. God the Father was a perfect parent and 1/3 of
his children chose Satan's plan. The remaining 2/3 of us, with the
exception of Jesus, make mistakes on a daily basis--at least during
our mortal probation.
The
Implication of Invitation
Christ, with his perfect example and perfect faith converted only
a fraction of those he came in contact with to Christianity. What
made the difference was what was in them, what they were
seeking, what they chose. Jesus honored their agency, gave them
the invitation, kept loving them even when they turned away from
Him. He lamented over those who wouldn't be "gathered under His
wings," but did not fail in his own mission because of their choices.
There is great application in all that to missionary work, as well
as to our efforts with our children. And perhaps, in our experiences
in raising children, we can come to glimpse the feelings of a loving
Savior who constantly invites us to the safety of His wings, but
whose invitation is so often ignored. Thinking of this I wrote:
Chicks
and Gatherings
Dear Savior,
I understand so much better now
Your poignant
words of chicks and gatherings . . .
"How often
would I have gathered thy children together even as a hen gathers
her chickens under her wings, and ye would not." (Matt. 23:37)
Still
I question: "Why do some children--yours and
mine--
Refuse
safe places, prefer white water rapids to warm wings?"
God gave
them agency, I cannot force,
But make
the heart-felt choice to come to You myself.
As I beam
to them my shining joy at being gathered
I pray
I'll see them follow . . .
Beloved
chicks, safe at last beneath divine warm wings.
The
Power of Agency
Our stewardship is to do the best we can to come to Christ ourselves
and teach our children true principles. Then in age-appropriate
ways, if we get out of the way and make it perfectly clear to our
children that they can and must choose for themselves and experience
the consequences of their choices, they are much more likely to
choose wisely than when they are feeling coerced. Case in point:
James Jones's son Danny.
The first step
of Danny's return to clear thinking and responsible living happened
immediately following the conversation I recorded in my last article
where James made it clear that he was giving up his efforts to control
Danny and turning his life back over to him. Let's return to James's
story and see what happened next:
"You aren't
going to try to control me anymore? I can live my own life?" Danny
snapped. I could feel a great burden lifting off my shoulders. It
felt wonderful, like coming out of a deep, dark place into the light.
Suddenly I knew again that . . . nobody is really responsible for
anyone else's life. Only that person is responsible. Hadn't I learned
that a hundred times?
"Yes! You
can live your own life. You have been! You're living the exact life
you have chosen to live, not the life I would have chosen for you."
The words were comforting and revealing all over again.
"I can
do what I want?" he asked incredulously.
"You have
been doing exactly what you want." I was beginning to see clearly
through the fog. I recognized at long last the lie that had driven
me to nag and scold, to be angry, to drive Danny farther and farther
away from us. It was as though an inner voice was saying 'Now hear
this! You are in this painful dilemma with Danny because you have
bought into the lie that caring and capable parents can and must
control their children.' That assumption had influenced every nuance
of how I felt and thought and perceived my role as a parent, even
after I had experienced the impossibility of it all. Even after
I had rejected the lie with my mind, somehow my heart had hung onto
it. But no more.
Danny immediately
called my bluff. Danny had insisted on seeing a girl that we strongly
disapproved of. We had done everything we could to keep them apart
the last couple of years. Of course, the harder we tried to keep
him away from her, the more time he spent with her. They were like
glue on glue. Danny and this girl I'll call Suzy would walk back
and forth in front of the house. Danny told me they were saying,
"Oh, if only our parents would let us marry, we could be so happy."
I was running from one window to the next watching them and praying
for Danny. Lillie and I were terrified, helpless, and angry over
his stubbornness about this girl.
At this
emotion-laden moment in our counseling session, Danny said, "Dad,
you mean I can live my own life? You will let me make my own decisions?"
"You have
been!"
"OK, then!
If I really can make my own decisions and you won't control me anymore,
then give me permission to marry Suzy!" Danny was raising the stakes.
I was being challenged. "You want to marry her?"
"Yes! If
I can live my own life, then give me permission to marry her!" [Danny
was only seventeen]
I looked
him square in the eye. "Danny, I give you my permission! Marry her!
By all means, marry her--and as soon as possible!" I raised my hands
to the heavens and cried loudly, "God bless you my children! You
deserve each other! Go forth and be happy!" I liked this new feeling
but Lillie was making funny little squeaking sounds like she couldn't
breathe.
Danny was
stunned. "Dad! You would really let me marry her?"
"Absolutely!
Why not? You know everything! If you want her, you should have her!"
I had a
big grin on my face; I was happy! "Go get the paper! I'll give you
written permission this instant! Go! I mean it! Let's do it!"
"Dad, you've
got to be kidding!"
"I'm not
kidding! Just live far away from us."
Danny just
stood there. He looked at the floor, then he looked at me, then
at his mother, then at the floor again. He put his right hand up
to his forehead, covered his eyes, and massaged his temples. Danny
seemed to be in pain and confused. Then he began to mumble,"Marry
her? Really marry her?"
For the
first time, he was not pulling against my restraints. It takes two
people to play tug-of-war. I had put my end of the rope down . .
. and the game was over! It was his decision and he was considering
what it would be like to be married to Suzy. He looked up as the
realization suddenly hit him. It would be stupid to marry this girl!
He said, "Marry her? No way! She's nuts, Dad! I don't even like
her!"
Danny and
I were communicating honestly for the first time since he was twelve.
Now it was my turn to be stunned! I just stood there as the impact
of what I had just heard sunk in. I stammered, "What? You don't
even like her? What are you telling us? What do you mean, 'You don't
even like her'? What are you saying? What has been going on these
last two years?"
"Dad, I
don't like her. She's an idiot! I'd never marry her! It's the truth,
I'd be crazy to marry her."
I looked
at my son in bewilderment and slowly sat down. I had just experienced
in living color the reality of another principle: When
the issue of free choice is at stake, other issues are subordinated.
Title
of Liberty Engraved on Every Heart
What James is saying is that our need to choose eclipses
all other needs. We hold our freedom to choose most dearly above
all else--and so does God. God allows his children to commit all
manner of wickedness rather than trample on their right to choose.
Each individual has as part of his or her very soul, a love of personal
liberty that many have been willing to die for. Helaman said of
his stripling warriors, "Now they never had fought, yet they did
not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their
fathers than they did upon their lives." (Alma 56:47) And so it
is with our sons and daughters--they think more of liberty than
they do of their lives. When they feel the need to defend their
own liberty against infringement by well-meaning parents, they will
often go to any length, as Danny did, to prove to themselves and
everyone else that they can make their own choices. Perhaps our
most important job is to remind our children that the words on Moroni's
Title of Liberty (Alma 46:12) began with God and religion, then
freedom--that we maintain true freedom only to the extent that we
love God and live his laws. Still, if our expectation is that we
can teach our children so welll that they will always do right and
will have no need to repent we will be dashed. Instead, we teach
them how to repent, how to come to Christ for a remission
of their sins. In the list of things we are to teach children mentioned
in D&C 68:25, repentance comes first! Considering the fallibility
of the children of men, no wonder!
To Love
is to Desire Growth
In her recent
book, Tathea Anne Perry records a fictional conversation--which
is symbolically a conversation between God and Satan. The following
quotes from this conversation have great application to our topic
of agency:
Man of Holiness:
"The probation of the flesh has many purposes, but none greater
than learning to use power righteously, and none more difficult
or more dangerous or beset with as many traps and snares for the
soul. He must learn to stay his hand, never to trespass on another's
agency, no matter how much wiser he may believe his vision to be
or how much greater his own light. He may see the path far ahead
and every precipice that hovers on the lip of the abyss, every morass
that would suck a man into its bowels and consume him utterly. He
may plead and teach, exhort and implore, yet he must not rob another
of his right to choose for himself, good or ill. Love does not excuse.
Even I must watch and wait, because to do otherwise would begin
the chain of ruin which would in the end destroy heaven itself.
There must be opposition in all things; without the darkness, there
is no light.
Asmodeus: "Man
will never understand that! He will not accept loss! It is beyond
his concept of morality with its urgency, its blindness to all but
the individual and the moment. His small, finite mind cannot imagine
so far! The strong will abuse the weak, most of all when the weak
believe they love them. They will protect them unwisely because
they glory in their own strength. They will trust their own wisdom
above yours. Their pride will not allow admission of error in themselves
or in those of their blood or their race. They will foster dependence
because to be needed is the ultimate dominion. They will demand
obedience because in it is the illusion of glory. Thus the weak
will lean upon the strong, and both will be damned."
Man of Holiness:
"It is the test of the strong that they should help the weak for
as long as that need exists, that their patience should never tire
or grow short. They should nourish the young, the tender, the frightened,
and the weak until they too become strong and no longer need them.
To love is to desire growth, that every soul may reach the greatness
of all its possibilities."
Our quest is
clear, our challenges great. May our love for our children be a
Christlike love that desires growth, not ease, that nourishes while
honoring the Title of Liberty engraved on every heart.
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