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• God can never accept me until I somehow achieve perfection in this life.
  
  
  I’ve been in emotional trouble whenever I get caught up in this one. I remember my relief upon hearing quotes from Elder McConkie and from the Prophet Joseph that it will be a great while after we leave this life until we actually achieve perfection — and that the Lord does not expect it here.
  
  The Book of Mormon tells us how we can become perfected in Christ, only through His grace, and by the power of God. (See Moroni 10: 32, 33.) There is no other way.  How sad that I was middle-aged before I even read the footnote of that pesky “Be ye therefore perfect” scripture in Matthew 5:48 that explains that the word “perfect” is from the Greek word that means “complete, finished, fully developed.” Am I going to by fully developed or finished any time soon? Not a chance!
  
  I remember hearing a talk about this scripture where the speaker pointed out that in the context of the whole sermon that Jesus concluded by saying “Be ye therefore perfect,” Jesus was talking about loving perfectly, loving as He loves, being born of the Spirit so that natural man tendencies are overcome and charity becomes our motivating force. That doctrine settles gently on my soul, comforting, encouraging — so opposite an effect from the “perfection now” false doctrine.

• I have to “do all I can do” and make myself worthy before I can get the Lord’s help. I have to make myself worthy of the Atonement.
  
  
  That is precisely like saying I have to make myself well before I am worthy to go to the doctor. How many times has my progress been stalled because I haven’t taken my whole mixed-up self to the Lord?  The false idea that “all I can do” must come first puts me just where the adversary wants me because I can’t make myself worthy. Only the cleansing power of the Atonement and the sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost can make me cleanse me and make me whole. I need spiritual help every step of the way. When the Lord said, “Come unto me,” he meant now, in whatever spiritual condition we find ourselves. He wants to walk with us every step of the way.
  
  A friend of mine said, “The Atonement is one of the least-understood principles in all our self-help society. We have been mercilessly taught for decades that we have what it takes to change our lives, that all we have to do is learn more, try harder.  This is the lie that keeps us from the real Changer of lives and hearts.”
  
  There is also real danger here of falling into the trap of thinking that the less I need the Atonement, the better off I am. This is one of the most pervasive and powerful of Satan’s deceptions; it keeps me from drinking deeply of the true gospel of repentance. Satan tempts me to wander off instead into Korihor’s “management of the creature” ideas (that my success and happiness depends on how well I manage my own life — on my planning and goal setting and self-improvement and accomplishments.)
  
  
• Right choices should protect me from adversity.
  
  
  One day I had a conversation with a woman who was suffering because she felt her trials were evidence that the Lord didn’t love her. I was shocked, yet realized that I was suffering from a form of the same deception. I felt that my trials were evidence that I was flawed in some unfixable way. I thought that the fact I had tried to do right, yet was suffering so much meant there was something deeply wrong with me. The following revelation, giving to Joseph Smith, one of the most righteous men who ever lived, gives great help in seeing the truth:
  
  

  	If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils ... If thou are accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee …
  	And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee,
  	know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? (D&C 122: 5-8)

  
  
  How could I ever have thought that all I had to do was live the commandments, make righteous decisions and stay close to the Church and I would live happily after? Or that having hard times was always evidence of deep defects in me personally? Certainly some of my pain has come from my own poor choices, but there are so many other causes in addition. The promise that all things shall be for my good casts an entirely different light on any difficult experience.
  
  
  A part of this myth is believing that there is intrinsic value in the absence of pain. Kahlil Gibran said, "And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your field. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."
  
  
  In the 1993 general conference, Elder Rex D. Pinegar said, "The Lord's peace is not without pain, but in the midst of pain."  Joy and sorrow are flipsides of the same coin, and I have come to treasure both. The thing I have learned to fear and avoid is the absence of feeling — when I turn off all feelings, numb out. Not wanting to feel the pain, I also miss the joy. 
  
  
  However, when I stay close to the Lord, many times He eases my burden, eases my pain, helps me sort out my accountability from the accountability of my loved ones.
  

• Nothing is more important than family
  
  
  Because the family is so important, this one can easily slip by as the truth. However, the family unit is composed of other people over whom we have no control, only influence. For those whose families are broken apart, in chaos, or nonexistent, this belief can be a killer. It is vital to recognize that one thing is more important than family —-and this one thing is something we can control. It is our personal relationship with our Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ. “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true Godm and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3).
  
  
  After I divorced and remarried, the difficult consequences of my divorce and trying to “blend” families were settling in on me.  I was ward organist, and during one fast and testimony meeting I was sitting behind the organ.  From this vantage point, I had a pretty good view of many families in the ward, but wasn’t conspicuous myself.
  
  
  As the meeting progressed, I found myself looking at all those seemingly perfect intact families and thinking, “Why couldn’t I have had that? What is wrong with me? Am I basically flawed, or what?” I found myself stuck in the thought that if the intact family is what matters most, then I had already failed, and I might as well just give up. My emotional pain at that moment was so sharp I could hardly breathe.
  
  
  Shocked at my thoughts, I realized that words that caused such despair could not be coming from the Holy Ghost and could not be true! I prayed a heartfelt prayer to know the truth about my situation, and the message I received then was hope and love. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the Lord’s assurance that I was still one of His priceless children, that He knew me and loved me, that all was not lost.
  
  
  I began to regain my spiritual sanity as I recognized that while there are many things about my family situation I cannot control, I am in control of (or at least am in control of my choices in regarding to) the one thing more primary, more important than family — my relationship with God and Christ. They must be the primary source of my security and support, not the family, and it is to God and Christ I owe my primary allegiance.
  
  
  It is Christ’s name I agree to take upon me each time I take the sacrament. His family is most important to belong to. No one need be lost spiritually because of the choices of other family members. We are accountable only for our own choices.
  
  
  I love the scripture, “Wherefore, I beseech of you brethren, that ye should search diligently in the light of Christ that ye may know good from evil; and if ye will lay hold upon every good thing, and condemn it not, ye certainly will be a child of Chirst” (Moroni 7:19). 
  
  
  If I choose to “lay hold upon every good thing” and am born again as a child of Christ, I will be part of His heavenly family no matter what choices other members of my earthy family make. I believe all who accomplish that goal will be sealed together as His.

• Mothers are responsible to set the mood [or tone] in the home.
  
  
  With intense feeling, Colleen Harrison, mother of twelve children, said she was, “writhing in pain over the insane pressure of believing I was to be the one who sets the mood in the home.  With 13 (that's thirteen!) other people living there with me, I'm supposed to set the mood in the home.  Who am I supposed to be?” she asks.  “Not even God [will trample agency to] ‘set the mood’ in others who don't choose to be influenced.
  
  
  “Look at our Heavenly Father and Mother and how not peaceful and perfect the ‘mood’ got in their home during the war in heaven! Was that her failure? Was our Mother in Heaven accountable for Lucifer’s bad moods and bad choices?
  
  
  “Look at the Lord and the original Twelve Apostles. [In spite of having the Lord right with them, walking and talking with them, they sometimes] bickered and expressed negative thoughts and feelings! Another example is Sariah. Was it her failure to set the proper tone or mood in her home that caused the lack of love and harmony which Laman and Lemuel’s choices brought about?”
  
  
  Colleen put into solid words the frustration that most of us mothers have felt with that concept. The clear truth is that we can only control our own emotional temperature. Although our example and influence in the home are great, each person chooses how he will respond. The Lord said, “And let every man choose for himself” (D&C 37:4).

• It is my responsibility to get my children to the celestial kingdom — and if they don’t make it, I won’t either.
  
  
  Can I fail at other people’s stewardships? Here’s another accountability issue.
  
  Once parents have taught their children correct principles, how can we think we are accountable for their choices regarding those principles? How could a just God hold one person accountable for the choices of another over which he has no control and all too little influence?
  
  
  How many hours in a week do the average parents see their teenagers? What other influences are they being subjected to when they are not at home? Even in the most perfect setting — a home with a perfect Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, fully a third of the children chose to turn away from the truth. Can any mortal parent provide anywhere near a perfect environment? 
  
  
  Were Adam and Eve to blame for Cain’s choices? Did they lose their exaltation because he lost his? Were Lehi and Sariah accountable for Laman and Lemuel’s choices? Would the Lord bar the way for their eternal progression because two of their sons repeatedly chose to ignore spiritual counsel — even from angels?
  
  
  I remember a day when I requested time with the bishop because my heart was breaking over some wrong choices one of my sons was making. I admit I was feeling it must somehow be my fault. After I had told the bishop the sad story he said, “Darla, you need a blessing,” and proceeded to lay his hands upon my head and give me one. I was reminded of the reality that I cannot choose for anyone but myself; it infringes on God's sacred law of agency to even try.
  
  
  I cannot create a broken heart and a contrite spirit in any other body but my own. I cannot repent of anyone else's sins or be responsible for anyone else's choices. “Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself: (2 Nephi 2:27).
  
  
  Where I try to exert control where I have none — over the choices of my loved ones, it makes me crazy. I repeatedly fail; success is impossible because I am on Satan’s turf. He was the one who came up with the idea of making everyone choose the right. When I step over that line I waste my precious energy on a futile, unrighteous cause.