How Crusty Is Your Curtain?
By Erin Ann McBride
and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
I can’t help but notice certain
things about a man. All of these things are nearly “make or
brake” deals with me. Every last one of them gives me an insight
into the future and tells me whether or not he would be the
type of husband I could ever put up with. I can fall in love
with all sorts of men (Matthew McConnaughey is one of them),
but I’m looking for a man I can actually put up with for the
rest of my life, and vice versa. I hate to send the message
that I am thinking about the future and marriage while on the
first few dates, but let’s face it — I am.
I’m not saying that the failure
to comply with some of these “make or brakes” means I won’t
go on a second date. After all, contrary to popular opinion,
you can change certain things about a man. (See items 2 and
4 below.) At least I will know what I am getting into.
Now lest you think some of these
deal-breakers are too harsh (again, see items 2 and 4 below),
let me ask you this- why should I be with a man who can’t take
care of me properly? I do a great job of taking care of myself
now and I won’t settle for life, let alone eternity, with someone
who does a second rate job of it. (Although my mother has hinted
at times that possibly I should loosen up just a little bit.)
Men need to step up to the plate and be good enough for the
women. I can’t remember the last time I actually met a single
man who was not only good enough, but also smart enough to be
asking out women. I actually do meet “good enough men” upon
occasion. They just tend to be the same exact men who are too
busy to be dating, or too focused on finding a perfect conifer
that they miss the trees for the forest.
Things I can’t help but notice
in a man:
- Dependability.
Does he talk a big game about going on dates and
meeting women, but then never seems to follow through?
Flag #1. If he can’t follow through on an innocent invitation
to Baskin Robbins when we are still in the “trying to impress
you” stage of dating, will he ever follow through on that
promised family vacation to Disney World ten years down
the road?
- Fingernails. If his
fingernails are too long (and we all know how long too long
is) chances are that someday when I look up at his beautiful
blue eyes I will be greeted with a big bud of burgeoning
gray nose hair instead. In my experience, a man who fails
to clip his own fingernails also fails at other minor and
yet essential discreet personal hygiene. Hygiene is very
important to me. I can’t live my life gazing into hairy
nostrils. I just can’t. But it is on this small point
that I do believe certain opinionated and Type A women could
change a rather clueless man.
- Blushing. Whether
or not a man blushes when I walk into the room, or smile
at him privately across a crowded room, sends me all sorts
of signals. Men are experts at hiding their feelings, and
not all men are as adept or inclined to share their feelings
and emotions as women want them to be. But that is only
if you don’t know where to look. All men have a tell-tale
sign, if you just know where to look. (Please don’t ever
tell the men this, though. You’ll ruin it for the rest
of us.) Personally, I love it when a man who is otherwise
made of stone blushes when I smile at him. Big points for
him.
- Shower Curtains. I
apologize in advance if this grosses you out, but it must
be said. If upon a distant visual inspection, a man’s shower
curtain shows to be a lab experiment in color changing molds,
I may suddenly be in need of spending time in my own shower
washing my hair the next time he calls. If his toilet hasn’t
seen a scrub brush in months, let alone years, I may just
run out the door and hide. These are huge clues that he
doesn’t appreciate how hard housework can be. I have resigned
myself to the fact that getting married means I become someone’s
personal maid, but that doesn’t mean I have to marry someone
who doesn’t appreciate that housework just sucks. I’m not
so liberal (or as too many put it, “college educated”) as
to think that I won’t be picking up my husband’s messes
for all eternity. But I am smart enough to know in advance
whether or not he will appreciate it.
Every marriage is full of surprises.
Just like every new dating relationship is as well. All people
have personal baggage that they carry around, or a set of beliefs
that you will never convince them are wrong or pointless. We
all see it. We all know it’s there. Somehow in the course
of dating, too many people start giving in to their pheromones
and ignoring logic. Its just logical that a man who forgets
he made plans with you over and over again and then makes up
for it by inviting you over to watch TV, and then has long nasty
nails, a dirty tee shirt, and a horribly crusty shower curtain,
is never going to remember your birthday, get off the couch,
use decent hygiene, or help with the housework.
The older I get the more I am able
to see the signs. Good men are hard to find in a sea of crusty
shower curtains.
Recycling Revisited
Eric
in Salt Lake City wrote us to comment on our last column on
Recycle Dating and HSSS disease (He’s single and she’s single,
therefore they will be perfect for each other!) He said, “The
recycle dating definitely sounds positively woeful. I don't
have any suggestions on how to avoid it, just do so. From my
perspective all the pretense that goes along with dating is
for the birds anyhow.” Some roommates and friends have an unspoken
code of conduct where you just don’t go there after someone
you are friends with breaks up. A year or so down the road,
maybe, but you will earn a well-deserved reputation if you date
your way through a whole apartment.
He continues,
“As far as the HSSS disease goes and your comments on that,
all I can say is a sustained ‘Amen.’ That's happened to me before
and it ain't pretty. If married people want to be helpful to
singles, they should just not be pushy about putting to people
together. If you'll forgive an analogy from The Sound of
Music, sometimes the lonely goat in the goat herd would
rather be lonely than put in an awkward position and have potentially
devastating consequences.” Thanks, Eric. Now we’re trying to
get that song out of our heads!
Holly
from Georgia wrote to provide a different perspective on Recycle
dating. She said, “Dating people our friends have dated is
frequently the only option in places where the member count
is fairly low. Admittedly, it does take some maturity in all
parties (especially the women), but it can certainly be accomplished,
and produce excellent results! I've had many friends date
and marry men that I either dated previously, or were very interested
in. Sometimes it has been hard for me to see them succeed with
men that I couldn’t succeed with, but I always tried to remember
they were my friends, and they weren't trying to hurt me
(my pride, actually!) with their actions.
“The
problems that occur in these situations are usually because
somebody couldn't keep well enough alone (Mary was the culprit
in your story; I'm sure she wasn't motivated by disinterested
concern when she ‘warned’ Amy!) People in general love to gossip
and be busy-bodies, and we Mormons in particular seem to have
a problem with it. I guess we take too literally the admonition
to be our brother’s keeper!) If we could just leave well
enough alone, and let nature take its course, I think more couples
would probably be formed, stay together, and end up in marriage.
I think we can find many examples where a person outside of
the dating couple interfered, thinking they were doing the right
thing, and caused two people who maybe should have been together
to break up.”
Excellent
point, Holly. Thanks for writing!
A Big Fat No-No
Note
to would-be brides and grooms. We understand that during
your engagement it is sometimes hard to think clearly while
wearing rose-colored glasses, which is why we are here for you.
Recently we received a forwarded wedding invitation email
from someone we did not know. This anonymous person was so horrified
with what her inbox contained that she had to send it to us
(we who frequently pretend we know about manners).
While
the grammar and spelling were all correct, there was something
else completely offensive about the email. First, it was
an email. The happy couple will be celebrating their happiness
with four, yes four, wedding receptions. Apparently
the expense of throwing four parties meant they had to cut back
somewhere and chose to only send emails out rather than formal
invitations. Second, the invited guest does not know the
happy couple. She has never met either of them and is
actually unclear as to how they got her email address. While
she is very happy for their new-found happiness, she hopes they
will understand that she will not be paying for a plane ticket
to fly across country to attend any of their parties. But
she does wish them much happiness in their lives together.
We followed
the link contained in the email she sent us, which led us to
the couple’s wedding website. This is actually a fun idea for
those who have relatives and friends who can not attend the
ceremony or reception. The pictures of them were great (they
looked very happy), and the story of their engagement was fun
to read. But then…this is where our jaws hit the floor. We clicked
on the registry page, where the happy couple has listed five
stores where they had registered, with links included, and requests
for gift cards from other places. Now normally we are very happy
to provide generous gifts to a young couple trying to establish
a household, but this just rubbed us wrong. (Feel free to disagree
with us if you like, but it seemed more like begging for gifts
than providing options so the giver knows his gift is needed.)
We’re trying to figure it out: which is more tacky? Registering
at five places, requesting gift cards only, or filling a mailed
invitation with registry cards? Why not just tack up a sign
at the reception door that says, “Cash Only!”
As always,
your thoughts on any or all of the above is welcome, wanted,
and wished for. You know where to find us: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
We can’t wait to hear from you!
