Dating by the Numbers
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
Two girls who can say “Happy New Year” in Spanish, French, Swahili, and Pig Latin

It’s a new year.  Bon Annee!  Los Multi Anos!  All that good stuff.  No matter how you say it, it makes no difference, because we all know what your goal is.  No worries — we are not using our mind reading capabilities to zone in on your brain waves.  We’ve gotten in trouble for that more than once, restraining orders were issued… you get the idea.

We know what you’re thinking because it’s the resolution of most ever-single people — to meet someone special and get married.  And since you are reading this column, we all know you must be pretty desperate.  Why else would you be taking dating advice from a woman married to a guy she knew for 3 months first, and a 31-year-old single woman?  But never fear; we here at a Single Thought have also made some of those obnoxious goal-type things.  We can’t give up chocolate, so we have decided our goal for the year is tell you the cold, hard, brutal truth about dating.  No more nice, shiny descriptions of a love life you don’t have.  We’re here to give it to you straight, and hopefully make you laugh in the meantime.

Where to Begin?

So it’s a new year, and you are going to “meet new people,” “go on more dates,” “lose lots of weight,” blah blah blah.  We have a pretty good suspicion that you will attempt online dating.  It’s the fastest way to get rejected and rebound and get rejected again, all from the comfort of your own home while you munch Chicken in a Biscuit.  You don’t even have to shell out for breath mints or gum!  We are very happy for you and we’re pulling for you.  We think this is great that you are stepping out and trying something new. 

But who are we kidding?  There’s a really slim-to-none chance that you are going to meet somebody decent that way. 

Despite all the statistics going against you, we are here to help (you’re welcome).  First, part of the reason online dating never works out is because people are either not honest enough, or way too honest.  You know how sometimes you meet a person who dumps way too much information on you way too fast?  Within moments of meeting him or her you have discovered all about Mom’s diverticulitis, how many times Dad has been laid off, the nasty infected blister between the big toe and the long toe, and worse, all five hundred reasons his or her last major relationship ended.  Well, anyone that has spent five minutes on an online dating site has seen the “e-quivalent” of this confessional tripe. 

For example, please read through the following introductions and guess which one we made up: 

“Six foot two inch 275 pound teddy bear, biker type seeks sweet smelling soft skinned young lady 30-45 that MUST LOVE ANIMALS!!!!! Jack of all trades, master of none. I really love to hear Pres. Monson speak.”

“I'm looking for a woman with whom I can share my life and have a family. Shyness plus some health problems have prevented me from doing this sooner, but now I'm ready!”

”I'm not very good and typing up information about myself but I guess I could start out by saying HI!”

”I'm a less active member who has absolutely no friends that are LDS. I'm looking to find some friends that are LDS. I've tried LDS sites before but really had no luck...  I don't bite... I promise... well ok, at least not very hard!”

“Shake thyself from the dust, o captive daughter of Zion.”

“I have an extensive scrapbook, wanna see?”

“Hello all! I'm finally doing this with some trepidation but I figure I have nothing to lose. I'm getting up there in age and need a drastic change in scenery. I'm in between college and graduate school and have nothing but time. I'm mainly interested in meeting some new people and to generally see just what's out there.”

Um, we did we learn ANYTHING about these people from their introductions?  We’re sure these are wonderful, amazing people, but did we learn anything worth knowing about them?  When writing your online intro, be honest about what you’re doing on that site in the first place.  Try this on for size:

“I’m a newbie to online dating but I’m anxious to meet new people.”

Or how about, “I’ve made plenty of friends online but I’m looking for something a little more serious.”

This might be lame and boring, but this will keep everyone from wasting their time, effort, and emotion.  Online relationships can be a great way to narrow the pool of potential candidates, but only if everyone is on the same page.  This keeps Brother Divorced-with-a-kid-looking-for-a-wife away from Sister Super-Scammer.  It would probably be very interesting to learn that this guy can ask where the bathroom is in Swahili, but is that the most important thing about him?  (Well, only if you are planning on moving to Timbuktu.)

Your Lucky Numbers

Here are some guidelines for helping make the online dating world a little better.  We call it the 50-25-20-5 rule. 

50 —If you have mentioned your last relationship or ex-spouse, health conditions, financial situation, or worse yet, your inactivity level in the Church, in the first 50 pages of your online profile, please seriously reconsider.  This falls under the “Way Too Much Information Act of 2006.”  If you just can’t think of something else to say without mentioning these things, we humbly suggest you try saying them to a psychiatrist instead.

25 — If you have lost or gained more than 25 pounds since the date of the picture you are using to advertise yourself with, do not use it.  This is dishonest.  It doesn’t matter that you think you look the same.  It doesn’t matter that you intend to lose or gain it.  It’s not who you currently are, so don’t use it.

20 — If you have had a hair loss (or gain, I suppose) of more than 20% (this includes both amount of hair and hairline receding) do not use the picture. 

5 — If the only flattering pictures you have of yourself are over five years old, we humbly suggest that you take two dollars down to the nearest Wal-Mart and get your passport photo taken.  Please do not use pictures that are more than five years old.  It doesn’t matter that you think you still look the same.  You don’t.  Stop saying you do!  You don’t.

Be fun, be creative, and be interesting.  Do not be a complete downer in your personal ad.  But still be honest!

Now just for fun we will share with you a complete nightmare story that is absolutely true.

Once upon a time there was a nice young woman having a hard time meeting a new and interesting guy.  So she signed up for some of the LDS online dating websites and made it a goal to open her mind to meeting different types of men.  Some came, some went, but some stayed.  One nice man in particular, we’ll call him Bill, stayed for a while.  He struck her fancy and they emailed quite extensively for several weeks.  The lived close enough to her that any phone call would have been a local call, but it was his choice and preference to stick to emails.  He was divorced with children at home frequently, and just didn’t want her calling and confusing his kids.  She respected that.  So in spite of their proximity to each other, they kept the relationship online. 

He would periodically ask for new pictures of her, and she obliged.  In return he would send her more pictures of himself as well.  Occasionally he would mention that the pictures were a few years old, but that he still looked the same.  She couldn’t help but notice that his now teenage daughter was merely a toddler in one of the pictures.  But a nice handsome fellow he was, and therefore she was completely willing to overlook his potential faults. 

In the weeks that passed they perceived themselves to have a relatively close relationship.  Even though they had never met in person, both parties were making very personal revelations to each other.  He even went so far as to reveal quite a bit about the intimate encounters of his previous marriage, or the lack thereof.  A little strange, considering they had never met. 

Finally the timing was right (according to him) for them to meet.  They followed all protocol and safety rules and met in a public place, set a time for the date to end, etc.  She told him she would be in a pink sweater.  He would be in a leather jacket.  She had seen probably 20 pictures of him at that point, and thought she could spot him a mile away.  After all, CIA agents do that sort of thing all the time, right?  Well, CIA agents were probably working with slightly more up-to-date photos than she was. 

When Bill finally walked up to her, she didn’t recognize him.  How could she?  The man standing in front of her was missing a great deal of hair, had wrinkles around his eyes, was wearing an ancient jacket, and had gained a few pounds.  She tried to be polite, but was rather convinced she must be on Candid Camera.  Maybe to play a joke on her he had sent an older brother or his dad up to her first?  There was no way this older man could be the guy she had been talking to for so long! 

But after a good fifteen minutes of talking she came around to the realization that it must be him.  She started asking questions about the pictures he had sent.  “I loved that beach you were at.  Where was it?”  “Oh that was in Jamaica, taken on my honeymoon.”  Wait, hadn’t he been married for 17 years??  Did he really see nothing wrong with sending a) a picture from his honeymoon, and b) a picture that was 17 years old??

Needless to say, the young woman and the older man never went on a second date.  However, she did end up in the same ward with his ex-wife a short while later.  She now has the ever interesting challenge of visit teaching her, and trying to keep a straight face when she realizes how many details she knows about this woman’s previous intimate encounters.

What did we learn from this story?  Don’t reveal too much about yourself until after you have met the other person!  And please abide by the 50-25-20-5 rule!  Honesty will never go out of style.

As always, if you have any rules or guidelines you would like to send us to enlighten the masses are welcome in our humble in our little inbox.  We are also currently accepting Belgian chocolate bribes.  Well, ok, we always take that!  Your thoughts are welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.