Pigtail Pulling
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell — still
wearing pigtails on a regular basis at 30
When I was ten years old I had
a crush on a boy named Michael. He was the tallest boy in our
class and really good at the long jump. He once told me a joke
once that didn’t involve boogers, and he had the most beautiful
blue eyes. He also had an irritatingly cute habit of kicking
me in the shins when we played soccer during recess ... and
I’ve never been sure which of those traits attracted me the
most.
At a fifth grade class party at
the local skating rink, he held my hand during the couples’
skate. Afterwards, he pulled my ponytail. I was in love — completely
confused, but wildly in fifth grade love. The confusion continued
when he alternated between giving me a sweet smile across the
class room and sticking worms in my face while his friends laughed
in the background.
My crush was real and it lasted
two full weeks. Just long enough for me to doodle our names
together on every piece of paper I could find. It has been
a long time since a guy was able to hold my attention that long.
Silent Reverie
In high school there was a boy
that stole my heart. He’ll never know that he did, though.
I was terrified of him. A few times I caught him looking at
me, but he always looked away. My heart skipped a beat anyway.
And once, that fateful day when we nearly, almost, actually
spoke to each other, I wrote that in my journal. But that was
about the extent of our romance and the most significant relationship
I would have over the next two years.
Mike Part II
A few years ago I met another guy,
ironically named Mike. I considered him to the bane of my existence
for several weeks. He showed up at parties, found a way to
corner me, and the proceeded to ask me every living annoying
question about subjects I preferred not to talk about. He kept
me away from my friends, monopolized my time, and in general,
irritated me. Half the time, I wasn’t even paying attention
to anything he said. I answered him flippantly, only to get
stuck backpedaling to argue my own bad logic back to him when
he caught my inconsistent answers. He aggravatingly remembered
every thing I had ever said to him, although I could rarely
recall what our conversations were about.
Weeks went by and I couldn’t shake
him. I wondered why on earth he would continue to pester me
when clearly I showed no interest in carrying on a conversation
with him. I vented my frustrations to a friend one day, who
merely laughed, and said, “He’s pulling your pigtails. He likes
you. Can’t you see that? He just wants your attention, and
the annoying questions get your attention.” I guffawed appropriately
at the suggestion and left to mull it over. It couldn’t be
true. Why would anyone act so horribly just to get my attention?
Figurative Pigtails
There’s a new Michael in my life.
He’s tall, has blue eyes, and likes to tell jokes, and thank
goodness none have involved boogers thus far. He also likes
to pull my pigtails in his own way — figuratively speaking,
of course. He teases me, he baits me, and he argues with every
last little thing I say. There used to be a day when this sort
of behavior would have just irritated me. But who are we kidding?
In spite of his annoying, irritatingly charming personality,
he has a very endearing smile, and seems to recall every detail
about me. And, well, I’ve always been a sucker for blue eyes.
And conveniently, I can see right through his teasing and harassment.
He’s just pulling my pigtails because he likes me. Now, if
I could just see him do the long jump, we would know whether
or not he’s a contender.
Don’t Just Be More Than Friends,
But Don’t Not Be Best Friends?
Yeah, try saying that quickly five
times. Good luck!
Dating ‘after
a certain age’ just gets complicated. (See the above sentence
if you don’t believe me.) But then again, I don’t remember
an age where it wasn’t complicated. My mother suggested this
week that I try the “just tell him you like him and that you
would like to date him” approach. Of course last week she was
telling me that I need to be a little harder to get, and stop
being “friends” with so many boys. The week before that I was
getting the “you marry your best friend” talk. With all of
those straightforward mixed messages, it’s no wonder I prefer
the straightforward pigtail pulling. At least when a boy pulls
my pigtails, I don’t need to read between the lines! I know
when a boy pulls my pigtails, he wants to hold my hand and take
me skating.
And Then There’s This Biological
Alarm Clock Thing
There’s something about being 30
that is not the same as being 29. Being 29 really was for the
all intents and purposes exactly like 28, which was just like
27. I will admit, however, that 28 was nothing like 26. Somewhere
in there I stopped being “just out of college,” and felt like
a real adult. It was probably the advent of my first salary,
and not just working hourly anymore. But 28 was different from
26, that much I know. And 30 really is not 28 or 29.
The first notable thing about 30
is the sudden constant ticking of the biological clock. It
had always been there, quietly ticking in the background like
an old grandfather clock that you can simply tune out. But
suddenly, just minutes after blowing out the candles on the
30th birthday cake, the snooze button snapped off
the top of the biological alarm clock.
Not many people
call it the Biological Alarm Clock; most just call it the Biological
Clock. It’s more than just a clock ticking away the painful
minutes that count cadence in my march to full-blown spinsterhood.
Suddenly, at age 30, the alarm sounds louder and louder, and
more and more frequently, until you think you just might explode!
The alarm goes off every time you see a little tow-headed girl
running around the chapel in an adorable pink dress with white
patent leather shoes, little blonde pigtails tied in matching
ribbons. It really goes off when a borrowed sleeping baby falls
asleep in your arms. It’s so loud when that happens, in fact,
that you find yourself volunteering to stay in the nursery,
and babysitting other people’s kids for free.
All those little
names you have been collecting in your head for the past two
decades and pairing with the last name of every eligible (and
sometimes ineligible) bachelor you have ever met, start freaking
you out. The older you get the more people you know, and the
more people you know, the more likely it is that you might meet
somebody you don’t like who has taken one of your “special”
names. You start to worry that you may never get to use those
names. You finally give in and name your new puppy the name
you had been saving for your fourth child. After all, it may
be the closest to motherhood you’ll ever get.
Who’s
on Your List?
Thanks for all great comments on
Annie’s list and strategies of guys. And special thanks to
all the men who wrote to tell “Annie” they don’t think taking
dating advice from her is such a bad idea after all.
Kalani wrote to say, “So girls
have lists the guys don’t get, and guys have strategies the
girls don’t get. Ok, I now know why I am still single at my
age ... hmm, lets say late 30's. I don't have a list, never
had one. I don't know if I should start one this late in the
game of dating. Maybe it is because I have never been into
many young single wards to realize how they work. I shortly
was in the single adult dancing and activities games and I did
see the games they play there — guys talking to you until someone
lovelier came in, and girls doing the same. I stopped
going, figuring if I am only good enough to be the warm-up conversation,
then I don't want to waste my time there.
“Now my problem is being in a small
branch where there are no single men my age, and the closest
one is a YSA man who is more than ten years younger than I am.
I tried chat rooms and got burned very badly there. I have
more recently tried the LDS single dating websites, trying to
find single LDS men in my state, and I even emailed them. I
have even found some men in my stake on those sites. It’s like
they like the idea of the woman being from another state. That
is just my reasoning to trying to figure out why they ignore
me.”
Has anyone ever heard the phrase,
“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?”
Here poor Kalani thought the only guy her age anywhere near
her was a YSA — and honestly, we all want to be with people
who understand our cultural frame of reference. Let’s be honest
here. Who knows a young single guy who wants to go out on a
date with someone who still thinks John Travolta looked hot
in Saturday Night Fever? Name one woman wants to go
out with a guy whom she used to baby-sit? There are guys in
her stake, been there all along, but instead of going to activities
to find each other, they are hiding behind their computers looking
for love somewhere else.
We’ve run stories before on internet
dating, and enough people are getting married using this medium
that it has given a lot of us false hope. If you’ve been hurt
and burned by the flame of hope when you dated in the past,
it’s natural to want to hide, and the internet is a great place
to do just that. However, if there is an active singles’ program
in your area, we humbly suggest that maybe it’s time to click
the little X in the corner box, boot down your computer, and
go support your local singles’ program. Don’t go to an event
thinking you’ll find your eternal companion and soulmate, because
that’s seriously a lot of pressure to put on you and the members
of the opposite gender who are there.
If you are unhappy with some of
the activities they plan, why not suggest a new singles’ club
that is open to all? Invite people over for a book club, host
an international dinner where everyone brings a dish from a
different country, play Taboo, or have a Monopoly tournament.
Do something! When you put yourself out there as the one who
wants something more and is willing to work for what you want,
you might find something better than you expected.
And if there is no active mid-single
or single adult program near you, do something anyway! Go to
find new friends who share your values — friends male and female.
Volunteer, join a local walking/genealogy/political/whatever
club to find others who share your interests. Living alone
doesn’t have mean being lonely.
Eric had a few thoughts on lists
for us as well, referring to Annie’s infamous running list of
men she would like to pursue or by whom she would like to be
pursued. “A list is a strategy. A built-in, natural, logical,
effective strategy. Like most things human, we don't have to
be able to rationalize it to have it work. Respect it. So
men use other strategies, some good, and some evil. It isn't
a difference. Men have lists too, immersed in their predatory
complexes; they just don't understand themselves well enough
to articulate it.”
Our thoughts exactly, but
the guys will take that better coming from another man. Thanks,
Eric!
Tammy
wrote, “Hmmm. This is very interesting. I believe we as women
have stumbled on something rather profound here. First of all,
I don't know if all women have a list as detailed and
perfunctory as ‘Annie’s’ but I
too have often kept a list in my head: Eligible Bachelors Whom
I Know and To Whom I am Attracted (and Who I Would Date if They
Got Their Act Together and Asked Me Out!) This would be normal
because women were originally designed to be ‘gatherers’.
“But
this new kernel of information that men have a strategy ...
well, this is news! And it does much to support my theory.
Follow me here, if you will. Observing the marriages of friends
and family, I have noted that the happiest, most successful
ones are those in which the man truly chose the woman. He pursues
her. He knows she is the woman for him, and will do everything
in his power to make it so.
“In
the meantime, we women are looking at/considering the eligible
men we know, wondering with whom we might end up.
“Now,
put this before your readers. Should we women stop with the
strategies of our own? Are we just destined to fail in that
effort? Is it up to the men to decide if we end up together
or even stand a chance of dating?”
She’s
all yours, readers. We can’t wait to hear your thoughts on
Tammy’s question! Some men prefer to hunt; some really don’t
mind who is hunting. What do you think? Let us know. We are
always available at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com
Quote du jour
For
our quote of the week (or day, for those of you who speak French
and would gladly correct us) we bring to you the wisdom of our
favorite author, Jane Austen. She said in Mansfield Park,
“I pay very little regard ... to what any young person says
on the subject of marriage. If they profess a disinclination
for it, I only set it down that they have not yet seen the right
person.”
Do any of you have a favorite quote
about love or dating? Send those in, too! The funnier, the
better. You know where to find us.
Thanks and have a great week!
