Falling Through the Cracks
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

We interrupt this regularly scheduled column and its trademark sarcasm to bring you something a little more serious than we usually do. 

Slipping through the cracks

How does it happen?

Have you ever walked alone into a busy store you have never visited before, unsure of where to find what you needed?  You wander about aimlessly for a minute, hoping that a friendly customer service representative would come up and help you.  When no one seemed to notice you were there, did you just give up and walk out? 

Have you ever done the same exact thing with a friend or companion by your side?  When you had someone with you, did you give up so easily and leave?  Or did the comfort of a partner keep you in the store long enough to find what you were looking for?  Have you ever felt that strange combination of invisibility and shyness coupled with feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb?  It is amazing how having just one person know who you are and why you are there can make all the difference in the world.

Now you know what it feels like to be single and entering into a ward full of families for the first time.  You feel like every one is staring at you, everyone knows that you are new, and this is a bad thing.  But at the same time, you feel nearly invisible because no one is speaking to you, people keep their small children from ‘bothering’ you, and all you are thinking is, “Did I shave my legs for this?”  Okay, maybe not everyone is thinking those exact words, but come on, it is summer time, and I promise you a few of the women did think that.

Singles are simply adult members of the Church without spouses.  They are a unique unit of one, frequently without any sort of support system behind them.  Family and friends are frequently on the other side of the country.   And singles know what loneliness can truly feel like.  Sometimes when they walk into church and see a room full of families, they feel the sting of their solo act a little more sharply than before.  Afraid of feeling even more conspicuously inconspicuous, they walk out of the church, and in many cases, never come back.  It doesn’t matter how active they are, whether or not they served a mission, or even if they have a testimony.  The minute attending church becomes uncomfortable and a burden, many people start to get more hesitant about attending on Sundays, no one ever misses them, and they slowly start to slip through the cracks.

Crack Slippers

There is a great misunderstanding of the singles out there.  Many people view this large and diverse group of people as only self-interested, only involved with other singles, too busy with their social lives to contribute more, etc.  Excuses made on their behalf, whether or not well intended, frequently include, “He wasn’t at church because she was visiting a young woman in another ward.”   “Oh, she travels so much with her job.  That is why we haven’t seen her for a while.”  These are probably all mostly true reasons why singles begin to slip through the cracks.  Because singles are frequently not truly integrated into their family wards, no one ever notices their absence.  And the longer the absence, the harder it is to make the decision to go back to church. 

In a recent ward council meeting, “Annie” sat and listened for 25 minutes as each and every need of the six Young Women in her ward were discussed.  Every member of the ward council left that meeting knowing the full details of the girls’ lives.  Annie herself made a mental note to congratulate a graduating senior she had never met on getting a scholarship to college.  But when the ward council got to the singles, the only question asked was, “Do you have any activities coming up?”  Annie said yes, and they moved on to the next item on the list.  There are more than fifty less active singles in their ward, but no one cared to ask what was being done to reactivate them.  The singles tend to get pushed to the back, or entirely looked over as a group.  When there are so many less active singles out there, should the ward be taking their needs a little more seriously?

Bringing this up is in no way, shape, or form meant to criticize a ward for spending so much time on the youth.  It’s commendable for a ward to be so devoted to its youth. But when there is even one inactive single adult, someone who has served valiantly in the past but won’t come to church because he or she feels out of place, simply planning an activity won’t make them return.  This is not Field of Dreams — if you plan it, they won’t come unless they know they are welcome, wanted, and have a place in the ward family.

How can we fix the problem?  The solution is simple, but it may take some time.  Treat your inactive singles as any other inactive on the ward roster.  Please don’t assume because they are single they can take care of themselves.  Don’t assume they’re visiting family or away on business.  Call them; let them know they were missed.  Assign them callings you would give any other adult — specifically, don’t just give them callings relating to the singles program.  They already know they are single!  Let church be the one place where they feel like part of the family.

Mo’ Manners

Once again, we have discovered that a discussion on manners is the surest way to flood our inbox!  While we did get raked over the coals by some who defended Jell-O in all its forms, including a lady who sent us a recipe for Jell-O green bean salad, most of you agreed with what we had to say, even adding a few rules of your own.

Cindy wrote a quick note that fits perfectly with what we wrote for today.  She said, “Oh, I enjoyed your column!  If you have not previously covered this topic, please mention the common mistake of greeting people at Church whom we haven’t seen in a while with comments like, ‘It must be a holiday!’, or overly solicitous comments and behavior.  I would much rather have people just be glad to see me and speak to me, without waving banners that I haven’t been to church in a while, and want to know why.”  We agree.  That can make someone who has been inactive feel uncomfortable.  No one is more aware of the fact that they haven’t been for awhile, and when you draw attention to that fact, it may make them not want to come back.  Please no “long time, no see’s.”  A friendly greeting and a simple, “We’ve missed you.  How have you been lately?”  might go a long way.

Catherine had a bunch to add to our list.  Regarding borrowing, she said, “We all love to share and we love to borrow even more!  The basic rule is ‘Return it in better condition than you found it if possible, and if not better, at least as good as you received it.’  This applies to everything!  For most things, just returning it clean and in a timely fashion is sufficient, but in some cases, you can, and should do more.  Some examples:

Vehicle — if you borrowed someone's truck to move, or they helped you move with their truck, it is appropriate to leave the tank full or to give them some gas money for their efforts.  They may decline, but you must offer.  Make the offer by handing them cash, not a vague 'would you like help with the gas?'  We once were given the use of our bishop's van because our car was not roadworthy for a trip we needed to make.  Since we were pretty broke, and since our generous sort of bishop knew that filling the tank would be a hardship for us, he told us ahead of time not to refill the tank.  We were poor, and especially grateful for the use of the car.  Since we couldn't afford to put gas in the car, we cleaned it extra thoroughly before returning it — even cleaner than when we got it.  He was delighted and most appreciative of our efforts.

Equipment (tables/chairs/tents or camping equipment/ wedding decorations) — First, check it before you use it so that you note what condition it is in.  If something is broken, stained or torn, now is the time to figure that out and report it to the owner, before you use it. They may have lent it to someone else, not checked it between loaning, and may be unaware of its condition.   If in using it, you break anything, damage it or tear it, get it fixed properly (no hand-stitching up a tent, take it to a repair place), pay for the repair, or replace it.  

Labor (as in the free kind) — If you ask the elders quorum to help you move, don't expect them to pack you up once they get there!  Be courteous and realize that they are saving you a ton of time and money!  Have everything boxed and ready to go before they arrive.  My husband helped with one move where they arrived and the whole attic had to be emptied, sorted, and packed.  At another, they had to dismantle the bed and when they moved it away from the wall they encountered some — ahem — 'unmentionables.'   In another case, the drawers were not emptied in the dresser of the lady of the house and one poor brother had to carry a drawer of her delicates.  He was so flustered that he stumbled on a stair and spilled all her 34D's — brutal! Remember that unskilled free labour has its hazards.  Be gracious when your walls get banged or your furniture damaged.  You 'hired' amateurs and while they are trying to be careful, you are, after all, getting exactly what you paid for.  Also, the labor is free, so thank them by having lemonade or some other cold drink on hand. If the commitment is longer than a few hours, consider making sandwiches as well.   Don't order expensive food; they are helping so you can save money.”

Excellent advice, Catherine.  Thanks!  

Jason has a difficult time with members who cull the ward list to find guests for their home-based party businesses.  He writes, “It used to be just Tupperware and Amway sales, but now there is a party for every product imaginable.  There are food parties, stamp parties, scrapbooking parties, underwear parties, etc.  Please, don't expect the sisters to attend every party or to buy your junk.  Most members are on limited budgets.”  This is probably good advice for the simple reason that we have been asked not to use the ward list for personal business.  The brethren ask us each election year not to use the ward list or church facilities for personal gain in an election, so this should apply to your party business as well. 

Susan wrote, “I've got one to add to the list: Be able to talk about something other than Mormonism when in a group with non-members.  My husband belongs to a different church than our church, and I am so conscious of how often talk about the Church dominates our conversation.  That makes us guilty of the exclusiveness so many non-members accuse us of.  It is especially bad when the conversation speaks down to those who have not been married in the temple, don't live the Word of Wisdom, etc.  Even if my husband doesn't share my beliefs, he has a life, a career, children, and interests that he can talk about.”

Shannon has another to add to the list.  She inquires, “Why is it that some people feel the phrase, ‘attending your meetings’ only applies to Sacrament and RS/Priesthood?  Sunday School (at least in the wards I've attended) has become optional for most.  The most flagrant offenders are those who serve in the Young Women or in the Relief Society.  They take the time during Sunday School to go ‘set up’ their rooms.  Does it really take an hour to set up a room?  I'm not sure how many others have seen this phenomenon, some of the elaborate table-scapes and decorations created for these classes look as if they've taken weeks to perfect.  It's a good thing our ward is the last to meet in the building; gospel doctrine is held in the chapel so the Relief Society room can be ‘set up.’  In my ward, I have a friend with a baby who must walk the halls when she gets fussy.  On several occasions she has been invited in to join the crowd in the R.S. room.  A quote from the R.S. president herself: ‘Hey, come in and join us ... we're just hanging out!’” 

Juli finds herself wincing at this, because she is unequivocally guilty of this … or rather, she was while she was in the Young Women presidency.  Sunday School is a time to learn, not plan a lesson for the next hour or make copies.  Shannon recommends taking five minutes before your lesson to put a tablecloth on the table and center a potted plant or floral centerpiece.  The focus of the room should not be the table, but the lesson given. 

Kevin has some words of advice for us, too.  He issues it in the form of a commandment: “Thou shall not condemn the living while giving talks or lessons or making comments in church.  It is tacky to use the stories of other people behaving badly to illustrate a gospel principle in church, whether the story comes from the teacher or the gospel student.  Describing how you once knew

This guy in your last ward who would perform some un-Christ-like behavior, it seems more gossipy than uplifting.  For negative examples I would suggest sticking to stories where there is a happy ending, the person has given you permission to tell the story, the person is long deceased, or the story has been printed in the manual, or Ensign.   At holiday time, I remember meeting the maligned parents and relatives of members after they had been used to illustrate unsavory behavior — and it's embarrassing.”

Conversely, please do not use yourself as an example of righteous behavior in your lessons and talks.  Even if your home if a perfect example of how to live the gospel correctly, your example speaks much louder than words.  It makes those of us still struggling and trying feel inadequate, and at the same time making those who say they’re doing it right look more proud than anything else.  We’re trying to be like the Savior, not like the other members of the ward.

You know the drill from here.  Any thoughts, comments, additions, or retractions on any of the above are welcome in our inbox: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  We can’t wait to hear what you have to say!  And as always, we excel at offering advices, solicited or otherwise, so if you have a question for us, send that our way too!  We’ll do our best to help you out. 

Thanks and have a great week!

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Authors Juli Hiatt Caldwell and Erin Ann McBride share a combined total of 20 years of dating and 14 years in singles wards. Between them they count more than 15 ex-boyfriends, 8 singles wards, and at least 5 email addresses. Friends for much of the past decade, they share many of their personal experiences as the character “Annie,” their combined alter ego.  As they like to remind each other, “All stories depicted herein are mostly true and will resemble characters living and deceased. Some names and facts have been changed to protect the innocent, make the reader laugh, and in some cases preserve the dignity of the authors. Although the authors are pretty sure they surrendered their dignity long ago.”

Juli Hiatt Caldwell was born in Anaheim, California, the fourth of seven kids in a very rowdy, loud family. She met her husband on a quick trip to Utah, and they were married six months later in the Bountiful Temple. They have been married six years. They are the proud parents of the two most adorable little girls on the planet, Cali, 5, and Andi, 2. Her girls are the proud mommies of a four fantail goldfish and a cat named Leo who is determined to eat them all. Juli and her family live on Florida’s beautiful Space Coast, where she enjoys yoga classes and working out at the gym. She is currently at work in her ward as choir director.

Erin Ann McBride is a native of the Washington, DC area. She is an events and party manager, currently putting her talents to work as a gun show planner. When she is not busy planning dates, parties, and weddings for her friends, she can be found volunteering at the local fire department, where she is a certified fire fighter and EMT-B. Erin Ann loves to travel and visit third world countries. She graduated from George Mason University and holds a B.A. in Political Communication and Broadcast Journalism. She also enjoys romantic dinners, moonlit walks on the beach, a good .357 magnum, chick flicks, roller coasters, and professional sporting events.