The Dating Vortex
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell

This is the story of the dating vortex, the dating phenomenon that sucks you in and never lets you escape, no matter how hard you try.  We offer it as a warning to all who dare to pity date, or find themselves giving a friends’ talk that falls on deaf ears.

For a few weeks we flirted, or rather, he tried to flirt with me.  I never expected him to ask me out. Instead, I flirted along thinking we could have one of those pointless relationships where I could tease him about the color of his tie and he would never know how bothered I was by the little bit of cilantro that always got stuck in his teeth after the Mexican-themed munch and mingle.  Never in my (incoherent mumbling) years on this earth did I think he would actually do anything about it.

I figured he could tell I was just being polite and just playing along.  He was okay, but definitely not my type.  I always flirted back, but I never flirted first.  Really, it was just one of those “be nice because you don’t know who else is watching you” sort of things.  But then again, my mom always says, “Try and like someone who likes you.”  So when he finally did ask me out, I was determined to try.  I sprinkled pixie dust on myself and repeated, “If you think happy thoughts, you can fly!” 

Well, what can I say?  He grabbed a hose early on and washed away all my pixie dust.  This date never came close to enjoyable.  It was forced friendly at best.  I checked my watch every five minutes and prayed my cell phone would ring so I could make up an excuse to leave.  Conversation was pure torture, hardly exciting, and, well, let’s just say, this guy would not be getting a second date.  But then again, why would he ask for one?  He had to see me yawning.  I wasn’t purposely trying to be rude; it was abundantly clear to both of us that there was nothing there.  Not even enough for further munch and mingle flirting.

Brother Chips Moves On … Hurrah!

A few weeks passed, and there was no more flirting over salsa … no more silly conversation about his ties.  We were in the same social circle and therefore future encounters were inevitable.  The date wasn’t so awful that we had to avoid eye contact and pretend we didn’t know each other.  We just had to avoid ever mentioning that we had gone on a date.  Life moved on and things were simple.  Other guys were on “the list,” they moved around, and I forgot about this guy (who was never even on the list). 

In our small little social circle, I heard that he was interested in another girl.  I even saw him with her at a party, and asked him about her, just to make sure he knew we were friends and that there was no awkwardness between us.  I even threw in a, “You are such a good guy.  I’m so glad we’re friends.”  He had good things to say about her.  I was happy for him and told him so most enthusiastically, mostly because it meant I didn’t have to worry about him ever asking me out again.  I had officially sneaked in an innocent “Friends Confirmation.”  I wouldn’t have to give him the “just friends talk.”  The date had been bad, he had moved on, and I had congratulated him on that, and said we were friends.  It was sealed and done.  Ta da!

Uh, Wait a Minute …

Then suddenly the email came, like a freak thunderstorm sending a lightning bolt to the middle of my noon-time dating picnic: “Dear Annie, Have I mentioned I love your laugh?  Hope you are laughing today.”  Ugh. Remember the 80’s?  Would ‘gag me with a pitchfork’ apply here?  What did he think he was doing?  I thought we had an unspoken agreement that we had a horrible time together and were just friends. 

I chose not to respond to the email.  Maybe some would think it was innocent and friendly and sweet on his part.  But I knew better.  He had other intentions.  Ignorance is bliss.  I needed a lot of ignorance and a lot of bliss.  But then a second email came, and then a voicemail.  All with sweet nothings cyber-mentioned as if he assumed I also was dreaming at night about his crooked smile [with cilantro stuck in his teeth].  Yes, that implies I didn’t answer the phone when he called, on purpose.  I needed more ignorance and bliss.

A few quick phone calls confirmed my worst fears.  The girl that had once been my saving grace was no longer in the picture.  With her out of the picture, I was suddenly back in, and could feel myself getting sucked into his dating vortex.  You know the dating vortex, where the person in question has a “list” of potential romances and just keeps cycling through them. And then the cycles start spinning faster and faster and the suddenly, you are sucked down deep into their dating vortex. Occasionally a new person gets added to the list, lengthening the time between cycles.  Sometimes the cycle is a good thing, and sometimes it’s a bad thing. When you like the person, and they only seem to pay attention to you in spurts, you are a little bit grateful for the cycle when your turn comes again.  You just wish there was no one else in the cycle with you.  Most of the time, however, the cycle is bad.  We notice it mostly when it’s a bad thing, and the bad dates won’t go away.  You scrape and claw and fight your way to the vortex’s treacherous rim, and just when you think you’ve found freedom, the vacuum flips on and you’re right back where you started.

So tell us about the dating vortex. Have you experienced this?  How about the men?  Do you feel like you’re being recycled on some girl’s list?  You’ve given her to go-no-go for flight and yet, she still keeps coming back? Let us know at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

The Pressure Cooker: Your Answers Bubble Up

Two weeks ago, we discussed the Pressure Cooker of Latter-Dating, and your responses confirmed our great fears.  It’s everywhere!  It seems “Annie” isn’t the only one who has spent a little time in the pressure cooker. One of our responses came from a mother.  “I loved your article entitled The Pressure Cooker.   I’m a mother of four, three boys and a girl.  I’ve never worried much about my sons’ dating relationships (that’s not to say that I don’t pray for them to be guided to the right person), but my daughter’s dating life or non-dating life is another story.  When she left home to go off to college and got involved in her first serious relationship, I was excited to know every detail.  At first it was fun for her to share what was going on with me.  Then the dreaded day came when ‘he had prayed and she wasn’t the one.’  He wanted to stay friends and kept dropping by.  This only served to keep her emotionally attached to him.  I only made things harder on her when I began thinking maybe the timing just isn’t right and shared that great thought with her.  Eventually, she told him she couldn’t just be friends with him because it hurt her too much and she didn’t want to ever see him again.  I think I suffered more than she did.  I know I suffered longer than she did.  She got back into flirting mode and I went into prying mode, thinking that I’d feel better once she found someone else.  Eventually, I realized I had to back out of her life.  I finally told her I wasn’t going to keep calling her or asking her about her love life and for months I let her initiate most of the phone calls.  When I did that, it took the pressure off of her and allowed her to just enjoy where she is in life rather than feeling like a failure because she’s not in a dating relationship or married.  It’s wonderful for her not to have me living her life.  I had to learn to let Heavenly Father take care of her.”

What a great loving mother! 

Melinda sent us her story of the pressure cooker gone wrong.  “Oh my goodness!  When I was a student at Ricks College (no BYU Idaho, but you all knew that), the pressure of dating and getting engaged was so enormous!  Looking back, it's hard to believe I fell right into the ‘not fitting in unless you were engaged’ lifestyle that seemed to exist all around me.  Worse yet, the pressure of attending a married ward while at Ricks College turned into ‘not fitting in unless you were pregnant.’  There is much pressure to be fruitful and multiply, but to get a mate first who will take you to the temple.  Not that this is a bad thing, but the pressure and stigma are. Oh yes, it is real and greatly felt.  How did I survive?  Well, unfortunately my quick romance and sealing in the Idaho Falls Temple lasted three children and ten years.  The real life pressure when out of the college and university lifestyle and away from Idaho and Utah was just too much.  Sometimes, taking time and letting things move at a much slower rate, is the right thing to do.  But alas, young people are very much influenced by the idea of the ‘perfect’ Mormon dating, romance, marriage/sealing, children, and together forever life that our Church so rightly wants for us, not to mention what we want for ourselves.“

The pressure cooker doesn’t work for most people.  Meddling in other people’s affairs usually backfires.  Amanda shared this story with us. “The problem with the pressure cooker is mainly, (drum roll) the pressure!!!  I was dating a young man, and after just 6 months, I was being asked if we were engaged, and he was being told that he better put a rock on my finger before something happened ... And in the end, we decided that we weren't cut out for each other and that we should really wait until we (okay, he) grew up a little more.  According to appearances, it was perfect. He was an RM, in the bishopric, and everything, but appearances are deceiving.  If you feel like you are in a pressure cooker, girls, that’s the time to take that camping trip with your girl friends that you have been planning for months.”

Ella wrote, “This story brought home to me what my daughter has gone through, only the pressure never came from within her family.  When she was in Utah attending school, if she had more than three dates with any one young man, everyone wanted to know where the engagement ring was.  They were aghast at the thought that she might want to get to know this individual a little better before she dragged him to the temple.  In fact, one friend told her that she could take care of getting to know him after the wedding.  Thankfully, my daughter has always had a level head on her shoulders, and listens to her mother.  I have always counseled her to never get married until she knew the time and the individual were right.  It's always been my premise that it’s better to be a bit unhappy as a single person than a miserably married one.”

Anna wrote with a slightly different perspective on the pressure cooker.  According to her, you can live with it and make the best of it.  She said, “I'm a divorced sister with three small children living in England, a part of the world where the Church is small and, as you may imagine, single priesthood holders are rarer than green woodpeckers. My ex-husband was not a member of the Church (I joined after we were married) and so I know from experience how important it is only to marry a member.

“There is one single adult priesthood holder under 50 in my stake. Just one. As luck would have it, he's in my ward. We've been on exactly one date, and that was engineered by ward members determined to get us together. My visiting teacher happens to be the stake SA rep, and she has been very careful to tell both of us exactly what type of food the other enjoys and when they are free.

“So the pressure cooker isn't our families, it's our ward. One of the sisters I visit teach is training to be a florist and says she'll be delighted to do our wedding flowers. I have no idea whether this guy and I are suited or not, but the point is he is all that's available, and as far as everyone is concerned, my children need a father and so they are going to marry us off. It's getting to be quite farcical.  The truth is, I don't mid all this at all.  I have to give some thought to the possibility that Heavenly Father engineered it this way so that we would find each other and get together. And the first date was wonderful.  Funny old life, isn't it?”

Anna offers the best advice of all.  Just take what life hands you and smile about it.  We can’t stop people from putting pressure on us; we just have to be strong enough in our principles to know when to take it with a grain of salt, and when to take it the Lord.

As always all your thoughts, comments, questions about Erin Ann’s dating status, and compliments are welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks and have a great week!