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Male Mail Call
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
Marcel Marceau impersonators. For once we are silent and letting
the men in have the floor. (Watch it well, people—this may never
happen again!)
A
while back we called for our readers of the male persuasion
to send in your greatest ideas and insight for the droves
of women who write us every week, looking for advice
and perspective on swimming in the LDS dating pool.
Some are of us are drowning (a fortunate few), some
are swimming laps from time to time, some are treading
water, and some are just plain afraid to dip their toes
in.
A
few brave souls answered the call, so here it is! Women,
sit back and take notes. Our men are about to tell us
what they really think!
Wayne said …
I
know two guys who are single, beyond the age of justification
for their status. Both are astoundingly intellectual
and spiritual; both are temple worthy, "pure gold"
who have never engaged in any romantic interactions
that would be worth gossiping about, much less requiring
repentance. Both are "anxious" to acquire
an eternal companion. I and several other "advisors"
are continually coaching them with words of encouragement
like, "It's not that hard," or, "Quit
expecting girls to be logical,” or, "Just be patient,
she will find you."
I
found my wife in a singles ward of 300 active girls
and 15 active guys. I never saw myself as a "harem
sheik," but as an average looking returned missionary
with a good testimony, not poverty stricken, graduate
school bound guy. I never experienced the constant rejection
my two young friends are reporting. I honestly cannot
quite reconcile what they report with the conditions
you describe [in the column], which frankly sound more
believable.
So,
short of e-mailing me and asking for names, phone numbers
and photos; how does an aspiring lady find these A+
quality guys that are out there escaping radar detection?
I've only a few suggestions:
1)
These guys are not the Steve Young, athletic warrior
types. If there is a crowd of people trying to get on
a bus for a ward activity, they may very well miss the
bus because they are at the back of the crowd, politely
deferring to anyone else. Look at the back of the crowd.
There may be someone there worth your attention. Call
it shy, call it timid, but he is likely non-assertive.
If he were assertive, he would have been married long
ago.
2)
At a dance or other social function, make sure you are
available. I'm getting reports that girls gang up (guys
don't recognize that this is an effort not to look like
a lonely, unwanted "leftover"), turn their
backs to the boys, and say they'd rather dance with
each other anyway (sour grapes!). These guys are hopelessly
unskilled at "Sir Galahad" rules of chivalry.
When I was a teen-ager, we guys were taught to look
out for wall flowers at the dance and make sure that
all the girls got a chance to dance. Maybe with
the changing times, girls need to design a similar project
– make sure all the guys get a chance for some
one-on-one time at social activities. They may not be
the most "swoop-you-off-your-feet" conversationalists,
but maybe they need a chance to practice their social
skills. If there is something really offensive about
them, have a private conversation with the bishop to
suggest a one-on-one social advice session or maybe
even a priesthood lesson that would be seen less as
a personal insult.
3)
Girls are constantly complaining that guys are attracted
by looks and not the person inside. Both of these two
guys are attractive in their own way, but "they
ain't no Tom Cruise." Maybe they walk funny or
have a complexion problem or could use some regular
time at the gym. What goes around comes around. We're
all human and we all have imperfections. Take time to
find the person inside. Ask them to answer a scriptural
question for you. In the case of the two guys I'm aware
of, their answer and depth of scriptural understanding
will astound you.
Guys,
quit thinking of yourself and your wishes. Think of
the girl. Make her smile; make her laugh. Make her day
just a little bit happier for having been around you.
You will find someone that will come back for more.
My advice to the ladies is not much different.
Dave said …
One
woman stated that she didn't feel that she should date
someone she wasn't attracted to. How obvious! Of course
we should only date those we are attracted to! Isn't
attraction the most important thing in forming a long-lasting
relationship? Don't the prophets counsel that we should
be sure to be attracted to the person we are to marry
in the temple, because that's what guarantees an eternal
marriage? And above all, aren't there a plethora of
wonderful, lasting relationships exemplified in that
temple dedicated to attraction, Hollywood?
All
sarcasm aside, date people you aren't attracted
to. Make friends outside the popular circle. Instead
of focusing on the flavor of the month, try new flavors
and you just might find the person whom you would have
never thought you could marry or date becomes the perfect
match.
We've
grown up in a society that teaches if there is no "spark,"
no instant attraction or sexual connection, then there
is no hope for love. The gospel and the prophets teach
that lasting love and lasting relationships come through
work and commitment. Truman Madsen teaches that "there
is no such thing as love at first sight, but there is
sight at first love." Lasting and meaningful love
demands work; sometimes you just have to work to find
attraction.
Another
woman says, "I too tire of going to the singles'
conferences where women outnumber men at least 4 to
1 and all the men are focused on the thin, blonde sister
who laughs at their not-so-funny remarks. There's got
to be a better way for singles to meet in the Church."
Did you ever think there are men out there who think
the way you do? There are good men who would love the
chance to get to know you, but your attention is on
those other guys around "Miss Blonde."
Ladies,
I have heard you complain for most of my life about
guys paying too much attention to the shallow bimbos
of the world, yet all of your romantic focus is on the
Brad-Pitt-playing-Joe-Priesthood. There are nerds who
want nothing more than a chance and maybe a little education.
Try out the wallflowers and the social misfits.
One
last thing. Please remember, Miss Blonde at the singles
conference is in the same boat you are; she's single
and trying to figure out what to do about her life.
She's possibly been through a shattering break-up and
doesn't know the "whys" any more than you
do. Give her a break, and drop the bitterness.
Paul said …
Guys
don’t like being rejected any more than you do. Yes,
I admit that with the exception of a few select individuals,
sisters are more than happy to say yes to a first date
and most likely a second. However, if she is not interested
she will say no. And usually by the time she says no
he is going to be hurt. So to avoid this from happening
he doesn’t ask girls out until he is sure they are interested.
And this leads me to my major point and life lesson
for women: ”MEN ARE STUPID!”
I
am one and I know this to be a fact. Now I should
also tag this with “…when understanding women.” We
just do not get it. If you think that you have been
flirting and he is unresponsive, then he is not aware!
If he were, he would respond with either distance or
interest, and you should be able to see this reaction.
This applies to before a date, on a date and after a
date. If you are interested let him know, but don’t
be subtle because he will not get it. If you are not
interested let him know, but don’t be mean and straight
forward is not mean.
I
think men and women need to understand that a first
date is a chance to get to know someone and not
an invitation to marriage. Have fun and if you feel
there is potential, then flirt and use body language
until you get a response. If you are not interested
then don’t do it and don’t ask or accept a second date.
Now
on to the subject of sisters asking out a guy, I know
what I am going to say may sound unfair but it is true
and you need to understand this. A sister asking out
a guy is thought of differently. Rule of thumb is that
a girl asking a guy out is seen in the same light as
a guy asking out a girl on a 3rd date. I
don’t know if it is because we feel that it takes a
little more encouragement for a woman to ask a man out,
or if it’s that fact that usually a woman has more interest
before she asks a guy out. Either way this is how it
is seen by the guy. I am not saying it is a bad thing,
and in some cases it will get a guy to notice you if
he hasn’t thought about you in that manner.
Now
I must put this disclaimer on everything said: this
applies to most men, not all. However, the men it does
not apply to generally are those that do ask women out.
Also to all men and women, do not try to interpret anything
from a group date, a double date, or a date associated
with an activity. In these cases there are other extenuating
circumstances that influence all parties involved, so
enjoy them and do not analyze.
Aaron said …
Guys
have been programmed in many ways and from many sources
to believe that girls (in particular BYU girls) are
neurotic and are attending school to get a Mrs. Degree.
The flip side, of course, is that many girls think that
all guys are interested in is getting married (once
they're back from missions). These are an affront to
both genders, and oversimplified generalizations. Nonetheless,
they are somehow conditioned into many. We're talking
about the guys, though.
Many
guys are terrified that if they ask a girl out, she'll
start thinking he's seriously interested in her when
such is not necessarily the case. This is utter nonsense,
but somehow this is a conditioned response in many guys.
To my shame, such was the case with me – at least before
my mission. It is terrifying to contemplate hurting
someone's feelings, and even more terrifying to believe
that some girl might have the wrong idea about your
intentions, i.e., he likes me ergo this is potentially
my eternal companion. Guys don't want a reputation as
a heartbreaker, or one as a non-committal rounder. They
are also afraid of having themselves ostracized by an
entire apartment complex of girls because they "mishandled"
a situation because so-and-so thought he regarded her
as more than a friend. So, to be safe, they don't ask
anyone out. "Nobody gets hurt if I never make that
first move." How so many wind up married in any
case is reassuring, but remains an unsolvable mystery.
Kevin asked …
Should girls ask guys out on dates?
Of course they should. I've never understood
the "hunter" mentality that insists the man
has to be the one to ask. How very old fashioned.
When I was single, I loved being asked out for a date.
That way, I already had a pretty decent idea that the
girl actually wanted to spend an evening with me, and
I didn't have to guess what her attitude towards me
might be. I think there should be a completely even
playing field, where guys can ask girls or girls can
ask guys.
One of the benefits of this is that it ought
to create a sense of empathy in men for what it is like
to be on the receiving side of an invitation to a date.
It's not so easy. Let me illustrate: I remember once
asking a girl out and being told she couldn't go, because
she had promised her friends she would go shopping for
shoes with them. That was a pretty obvious blow-off
(I bet if Brad Pitt asked her the same question, her
response would have been different!). I thought to
myself, why couldn't she just tell me she wasn't interested
in me, rather than act like that?
But on more than one occasion I was asked
out by someone I wasn't interested in. We all like
to be asked out by the people we're interested in, but
when the people we're not interested in ask us, it is
a difficult situation to deal with. And having to deal
with that taught me that it is not so easy to let a
person down gently, and all of a sudden I saw the situation
from the girl's point of view. It taught me empathy
and understanding. And while I still think it is better
to just (as gently as humanly possible) tell a person
you're not interested, I gained an appreciation of why
a girl might tell a little white lie to let a boy down
easily, because it's always flattering to be asked and
you never want to hurt a person's feelings.
Norris
and the WORDS WOMEN USE
Norris
sent us in this gem of a dictionary to understand the
“Words Women Use.”
FINE
- This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE
MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.
NOTHING
- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something,"
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with “Nothing” usually end in "Fine."
GO
AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD
SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she
is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing."
THAT'S
OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements
that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay"
means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
- A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
Wrapping It All Up
Thanks
for your insight and advice, guys! If any other men
have something else to add, contradict, or inspire,
feel free to send us more. You know we love to hear
from you! You can always find us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Coming
Soon to the e-pages of A Single Thought: The ONE. What
do you think? Is there really just one person out there
for each of us, or can any two people who are righteous and willing
make a Celestial marriage work? We can’t wait to hear what you
think! Erin Ann recently got into a debate on this topic with
a male friend, and since the issue remains unsolved (for more
than just her), we need your input. What do you think about there
being just ONE? Let us know! Thanks and have a great week!
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