The Lost Art of Wooing

By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, writers of columns to help the hopelessly lost during the most fun years of their lives!

Editor’s Note:  All names have been changed to protect the innocent, whether or not we felt the guilty deserved it.

On Tuesday evening Annie’s cell phone rang with an unfamiliar number on the caller ID.  Warily she answered, “Hello?”  “Hi Annie, this is Bryan from Institute.  How are you?”  Happily surprised, Annie responded.  A short and pleasant conversation ensued, and Bryan quickly got to his point.

“Annie, I was wondering if you would like to go out on Saturday?”  Annie didn’t know him very well (they had only met twice before, after institute), but she had a positive feeling about him so far.  A date seemed like a good way to get to know him.  And after all, he had asked rather nicely, so she said yes.  “Wonderful, how does dinner and a walk around the historic old town neighborhood sound?” Bryan inquired.  “Perfect,” Annie said.  “Great.   I’ll pick you up at 6:30.  Have a good week.  Bye.”  Bryan hung up the phone.  Annie set the phone down and smiled.  This could be interesting, she thought. 

Late Thursday afternoon Bryan sent Annie an email stating that he was looking forward to seeing her on their date Saturday and requested the directions to her house.  Annie promptly replied and mentioned she was looking forward to the date as well.  

Saturday evening, Annie was grateful to know exactly what her date would entail.  A quick conference with her roommates and she knew what to wear.  She needed comfortable shoes, and possibly long sleeves, since she knew she would be outdoors.  She wanted to look nice, and make it clear she was flattered by the date, so she opted not to wear jeans, and instead chose a nice, casual knee-length skirt and sweater.  It was modest and yet cute.  Anything else would have sent the wrong signal. 

Bryan was right on time.  He knew the directions to the restaurant and had even made reservations in advance.  They enjoyed a nice conversation about local events, their friends, and personal interests.  Bryan asked Annie several questions, never once sounding judgmental or too much like a news reporter.  Annie thoughtfully and honestly responded, and followed up by asking Bryan different questions.  By the time dinner was over, Annie felt she knew Bryan well enough to feel comfortable and safe in his company.  And she wouldn’t deny there was a little bit of a spark between them.  When the bill came Bryan casually pulled out his debit card, handed it to the waiter, and turned back to his conversation with Annie.  No awkward moments – that was something Annie could get used to.

After dinner was over they went for a walk around the historic old neighborhoods of their town.  They looked in the windows of all the little shops.  When they reached an old-fashioned ice cream shop, Bryan offered to buy her an ice cream cone.  Within minutes they had picked their favorite flavors and were seated at an outdoor table watching people pass by.

Slowly they began to walk back to the car.  Without any awkwardness, Bryan casually reached around Annie to open the car door and stood back to allow her to sit.  He then went around to let himself in.  Upon sitting down he mentioned that he was enjoying himself.  Annie smiled and agreed that she was as well.  He took her home, opened her car door again, and walked her to the door.  He thanked her for her enjoyable company and said that he would enjoy doing it again sometime.  Annie smiled warmly and agreed that she would like the opportunity to enjoy his company again as well.  Bryan reached down and gave her a kind hug and left.  Annie slipped inside her door, waited till she knew Bryan was safely in his car and let out a squeal of excitement, causing her roommates to come running.  For the first time ever she knew that when her date said he would call that he meant it.

How Not To Woo

Jeff pulled up in front of Annie’s townhouse, yanked up the parking brake with a quick nervous twitch, and honked the horn.  As he waited for her he drummed his fingers repetitively on the passenger seat headrest.  He saw her peer out of the front window in wonder, grab her sweater, and hurry out the front door.  She stood at the door for just a moment, as if contemplating something.  As she reached for his door handle, it suddenly hit him that on a first date, the gentleman might score brownie points if he opened the girl’s door.  He reached across the seat before her hand reached the handle and yanked the door open with a friendly, “There you go!”  Ahh … what a gentleman! 

As Annie buckled herself in, uncomfortable silence filled the car for a few moments until he thought to ask how work was going.  Annie turned to him and asked what he had planned for the evening after a few moments of chitchat.  He nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and replied, “I dunno.  There’s a new restaurant downtown that I thought we could try.  Does that sound good?”

Annie declared that she had heard excellent reviews of the restaurant and was very pleased to give it a try.  They parked at a meter a block away from the restaurant, because of heavy Friday night traffic and parking downtown.  He reached into his pockets, slightly embarrassed to realize that the meter only accepted quarters, and his pockets were full of nickels and dimes.  One quick puppy glance at Annie and she volunteered to pay the meter, with an embarrassed smile.

They walked down towards the restaurant and immediately noticed the throng of people milling around on the street in front of the restaurant.  Annie waited patiently next to the curb while he went inside for a moment to inquire about the length of the wait.  He emerged looking very flustered; those who had called ahead and made a reservation were walking in, but those without had to wait for more than an hour.  He insisted that he would not wait that long for any food, no matter how good everyone said it was.  They spent the next forty-five minutes walking from café to restaurant and back again, only to find that the wait was the same at each.  Frustrated but looking hard not to show it, he informed Annie that he knew of a place that never had a wait. 

They hiked back to the car.  Just across the street from where they parked, a large puddle filled the crosswalk in front of the intersection.  He gamely jumped over, pulled the keys from his pocket, unlocked the door and hopped in.  Annie, in her knee length skirt and kitten heels, debated doing the long jump dressed as she was.  He revved the engine and looked at her with complete confusion, wondering why she continued to stand in the middle of the road.  She gestured to the water and mud in her way, then shrugged innocently.  Nodding, he backed up, and pulled forward into the center of the puddle, not noticing that the wake had splashed mud onto her ankles.

Annie tried to laugh it off as he apologized, pulling her mini packet of tissues from her purse and wiping her ankles off the best she could.  They drove back the way they had come and pulled into a pizza place near her home.  They ordered salads and a slice each, with lemonade to wash it all down.  After dinner was consumed, he asked if she wanted to go rent a DVD and take it back to her place.  She politely declined, thanking him for his time, but letting him know that she needed to go home.  When the check arrived he grabbed it quickly and skimmed it over, then informed Annie that her half came to twelve dollars, but he would gladly pay for her if she wanted to leave the tip. 

He dropped her off at the curb when they pulled in front of her townhouse.  He let her know that he had enjoyed her company, and she thanked him for the conversation.  They agreed that they would look for each other at the ward activity the next day, and he waved goodbye as she closed the door, and let herself into her homey little townhouse. Her roommates would not be home for a while but if she must spend the rest of her Friday night watching a DVD, she wanted to make sure it contained no helicopters, ground to air missiles, or anything that exploded.  She turned on her copy of the BBC production of “Pride and Prejudice,” settled onto the couch in her sweats and spent the rest of the evening drooling over Colin Firth.

Later, as Annie settled into bed, she thought about her evening with Jeff.  He was a very nice guy, and rather cute.  Just as cute as Bryan, her date from the previous weekend.  The difference between the dates, though, was astronomical.  It’s the little things that make a difference on a date.  Bryan had made sure that her doors were open, her chair pulled out, the place and time set, and the conversation flowed.  Jeff and Annie had gone out and had fun together, much like she might do any night with her girlfriends.  But Bryan, ahh … he had wooed her. 

In the usual Erin and Juli tradition we now ask you- what is the best wooing you have ever received?  What does it take to woo you?  Send your woo thoughts to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

We Asked, You Answered

Last week we asked you for your thoughts on single parents, dating, and how to get around the tricky parts of balancing children, independence, and meeting a future spouse.  Here is what you had to say!

“I like to have get-togethers at my place with groups of people – then it is casual for the kids and the adults.  Sometimes there are more kids than adults, which is nice for them.  My friend has told her kids that they will be blessed to meet many people in their lives and that it takes time to figure out if the relationship is a good one.   I think this could even be a teaching opportunity to involve the kids.

“I don't mind watching videos at my place after my kids are in bed.   As a single parent, my dates don't have the romance that I craved before my marriage ended.  And I definitely prefer cheap dates even if I'm not paying.   I know better what I want and would rather cut to the chase by asking questions!”  – Liza in Castle Rock, CO

“I really wanted to respond to the comment from the mother of 3 who felt she needed to pay for the dinner just because she met a guy at the restaurant instead of having him picking her up at her house.  What does ‘independence’ have to do with anything?  I have never been married, so I guess I can say that I have been ‘independent’ all my adult life.  If a man asked me out, it wouldn't make any difference to me if I met him at a restaurant, or any place else – especially in the DC area.  Why would I go 30 miles home only to back-track and go to dinner another 30 miles away?  A lot of people meet after work. I don't think a lot of divorced people know what ‘independence’ is.  It doesn't have anything to do with who pays the dinner bill.  Hmmm, that's another thing.  The last 'Singles' conference was more like a Parents without Partners meeting than a Singles Conference.  I might buy a used car, but I don't want a used man.” – Cindy in DC

“I am also a single mother of four and I simply let the children know I am going out with a friend so as to minimize the questions from the children.

“In our ward we have a close group of singles and we get together often.  When I do date or see a friend outside of my ward, it does give rise to certain questions from my children (whom I should have mentioned are 19, 16, 15, and 13).  Teenagers they are actually worse sometimes than the younger ones, as they like to really embarrass me with their tales of Mom ... and her shocking fear of cows, and about the time Mom did this or that thus, causing a curious shade of pink to darken my already made-up cheeks.  Even worse, as we head out the door, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Mom!" 

“So by just saying I am going out with a friend, it eliminates all of the embarrassing statements from my children, and I'll keep all my dates as friends until I finally meet the right guy for me and for my children.  At that point I will introduce them slowly in group outings with other friends present, so I am sure we are all being ourselves and being mindful of not hurting feelings with the many tales of mom. 

“I'm not sure if this helps the Mom with the young one but I hope it does.  The best of luck.” – Dawn in FL

“I married a single mom seven years ago.  It is my first marriage, her second.  We were sealed together on the day we were married, and were a family from day one.  We were married four months after we met.  We were engaged in two weeks.  I knew the first night.  She did too, but took some convincing as she thought it was too good to be true.

“When asked if I knew what I was getting myself into, I told her that I regarded myself as a lucky man.  How many guys get to see what kind of mother his children will have – before any are born?  She had difficulty believing that I was "for real," probably right up until the day we were married.

“I suppose my point is that this sister shouldn't try to hide her children from her dates.  She should let the man know up front "what he's getting himself into."  Mr. Right won't look at a ready-made family as a negative, but rather as an opportunity and a blessing – even if the 5-year-old does ask such a personal and embarrassing question as, "Is he going to be my daddy?"

“Don't be afraid!  Be yourself, and let your children be themselves too!” – Aaron

Thanks to everyone who contributed to our column this week!  We appreciate it!

Your Assignment, Should You Choose to Accept It…

What is the best “wooing” you have ever received?  What is the nicest way you have ever been asked out?  Those and any other issues you may wish to address are the topics we can’t wait to hear more about!  And as always all cash, cars, criticisms, compliments, complaints, and cows are welcome in our humble little inbox at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks, and we’ll see you next week!