The Glories of a Singles Ward

By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell,
with guest star Vernon P. Funkweiler

Top Ten Reasons to Attend a Singles Ward

10.  Silent sacrament meetings.

9.  Munch and mingle every other Sunday.

8.  Way more money in the activity committee’s budget.

7.  No wondering if cute guy/girl in the row in front of you is married.

6.  Flirt to convert is actively applied.

5.  With the high turnover rate, annoying ward members should be gone in 3-6 months.

4.  Fresh meat every 3-6 months.

3.  With the elders quorum passing the sacrament, rarely does bread fall in your lap.  But if it does, you know it is because you looked really good that day.

2.  If there is a good football game on, we can just attend a family ward in the morning.

1.  Any activity not sanctioned by the church handbook is just called an unofficial ward activity and we still hold it at the bishop’s house.

Ten More Reasons to Attend a Singles Ward (we couldn’t stop at just ten!)

10.  Couples who go overboard on the public displays of affection are soon in a family ward.

9.  No one bears a testimony with their mom whispering in their ear.

8.  Home teachees make you dinner every month (whether or not you actually taught them).

7.  Instead of early morning seminary we have evening institute and volleyball once a week.

6.  We can look for dates at family home evening.

5.  No threat of getting called to the nursery.

4.  No twenty yard dashes between parents and escape artist toddlers in the chapel.

3.  Half day of church after major holidays.

2. Our pinewood derby really is meant for the adults.

1.  You can check out the priesthood while they pass the sacrament.  (Oh, who are we kidding? We have been doing that since we were twelve!)

Top Ten Reasons to Attend a Family Ward

10.  Primary Sunday is always good for a cute laugh.

9.  There is always a family who will invite you over for a real dinner (even if it is just to introduce you to their five daughters).

8.  No one thinks it is strange that you still drive your mother’s minivan.

7.  You can score some good Cheerios during high councilman talks.

6.  Teenage dating – now it’s just funny!

5.  It’s not hard to look like you dressed nice when sitting next to a deacon.

4.  Gospel Doctrine lessons don’t always start with, “Last year when I was on my mission…”

3.  No one had to call their mom to get the recipe for Enrichment.

2.  Smelly clothes can be blamed on the kids in front of you.

1.  Ummm….uh….We couldn’t think of ten reasons.  Sorry!

More Feedback on Miss Manners for Mormons

The comments on LDS etiquette just keep pouring in.  So we’ll keep on sharing it with you!

Marla writes, “First, I want to add to your miss manners section which, by the way, is a fabulous idea. Can you tell people that scratching backs during church is rude?!  This girl in Relief Society just yesterday was scratching her sister's back and being all loud about it.  It's also really annoying when couples do that. We are there to worship God, not to get/give massages.  Hand holding or putting your arm around someone is the limit for church standards during sacrament meeting. “My other pet peeve: there are single people who get married – and this is after they have waited a long, long time – and all of a sudden they forget their entire single life because they are so caught up in themselves. And then you know what they do?  They say things like 'are you dating anyone?' or 'I can't believe you aren't married – you are so pretty!', and here's the best one I've heard so far: 'I hope someone is pursuing you, but if not I hope you like your job.'  How do people forget so fast? It is my hope that when we singles get married, that we don't say insensitive clueless things to people, and that we remember what it felt like to not have anyone.”  She wants to remind us that the gospel is about love and peace, and hopes that all marrieds make an attempt to talk to and include single people and throw away the fear that they are going to go after your husbands!

We thank Marla graciously for her insights.Haven’t we been saying that for awhile now???  When you get married, you are the one who changes, not your single friends.  

Adrianna in Washington had a couple more ideas on etiquette at church. “Here are my two cents worth. When did it become ok to stay in the hall (or foyer, or where ever) and talk, visit, etc. through Sunday school? I think it is so rude to skip class! Maybe they just know more than me, or maybe they are scared they will learn something new and have to live by it!  I often hear things like, ‘It is the only time I could talk with so and so,’ or, ‘I had to get things ready for Priesthood, or Relief Society.’ Are we so busy that we have to use Sunday school to get things done?! Actually most of the time I feel sad that they are missing out on the lessons.

“I just thought of one more: don't use Enrichment night, or Sunday meetings (during Sunday school) to do your visiting teaching. The message of, ‘I cared enough to see you during church when I don't have to take time out of my week’ is just so heartwarming, don't you think?"

Mike – travels a lot for business and visits a different ward about every three weeks, and he has noticed something in almost every ward he has visited. “I have a pet peeve that I believe falls under good/bad manners. I find that in well over half of the wards I visit, the ward organists sound like they are playing a concert. The prelude music is not a concert; its purpose is to invite the Spirit, not to show off your talents (or lack thereof). Every organ that I am aware of has a way of controlling the volume.  PLEASE use it.

“It would be wonderful if every ward sang well. However not all wards are very vocal in their singing – and having sat in the midst of some of them, I am grateful. I am not a great singer myself, but I love the Church’s hymns. Some organists feel they must play at full volume no matter what. They are an accompaniment to the singers, not the main attraction. Please, tone it down a bit – let the Spirit flow, not the 'good times roll'.”

The “Mother of Nine” has some words for us on the topic of Utahns moving South, or anywhere outside of Utah.  Some of our readers from Utah didn’t care for how we handled the topic, but she had to let off a little steam on the topic. “I am sick of Utah Mormons that come to the South and the first thing out of their mouths is, ‘When I heard we were moving to Georgia (or other southern state), I just didn't know if I could like it. Now I just can't believe how nice the people are and how strong the Church is!’

“It is like westerners think we are a bunch of backwoods hillbillies with no culture at all. I joined the Church in Florida and have lived in Georgia in three different wards, and can honestly say the most spiritual growth you will ever have can come in a small town ward, where you are treated as family. When you don't go to church one Sunday, and your visiting teacher shows up with a meal because she thought you were sick, or you have a baby and the bishop's teenage son is calling all the ward members to let them know you had your baby!  I am in a larger ward now in Georgia with a lot of Utah saints, and is amazing at how stuck up they are when they move in. They act like we don't know any thing about the Church and we don't know how any thing how it is run!”

We don’t like to say we told you so, but …we did.  Please note these are not the feelings of everyone outside Utah. It’s just sad that enough people have had this experience enough that there is a stereotype to describe it. Like we’ve been nagging you for the past two weeks, just remember to be nice and try everything on your plate with a smile!  

Another anonymous reader, representing the other point of view, writes, “I'm happy that you realize there is no 'Brice' Utah.  I appreciate your tips & stories. Thanks for trying to understand the 'Zion'ists. (They are good people.) I get the impression that they don't feel any more important because they live in Utah.  Why should you carp at them for where they live and expect them to accept you because you have lived in D.C.?” Ouch. Erin hangs her head in shame and hopes she has never done this.

We also got a great email from Adam and Elissa in Australia, who wrote, “Just a few comments re the Miss Manners for Mormons pieces that you guys wrote:

“1.  Noisy kids. The trick to dealing with having noisy kids during sacrament is to make sure you sit behind the elderly folk who are able to turn their hearing aids off of "room sound" and onto the "loop" broadcast from the microphone. That way, you can still teach your kids the concept of reverence, and not disturb those around you. And the kids don't get "rewarded" by going outside if they're noisy.” (Juli’s jaw just hit the floor – she can’t believe she never thought of this!)

“2.  Zion vs. The Mission Field. Living in Australia, we've never heard these nicknames used for Utah vs. non-Utah areas. Australians do have their own nickname for Utah though. When a missionary or moved in member responds that they're from Utah, it's not uncommon to hear the reply, ‘Oh, so you're from The Factory.’

“3.  Impolite questions. One question that would drive Elissa mad upon return from her mission was ‘So, did you meet anyone?’ She always wanted to say, ‘No, I stayed locked in my room for eighteen months and didn't speak to anyone.’  Actually, she met a lot of people on her mission ... but if they mean, did she meet anyone romantically, then the answer is no!  She was out there to serve a mission,  to do the Lord's work, not out trying to find a husband.  I'm sure other returned sister missionaries have felt the same way.”

We also heard from many, many readers who questioned our advice on not wearing denim in the chapel.  CBA in Washington State is just one who wrote us. “First let me say I enjoy your articles and as a mother of two single daughters, 23 and 31, I forward most of the articles to them, but I would like to disagree with you on some of your Miss Manners ... Part Deuce" points.

“I have always told my children to wear their best to church even if it is jeans, and just today we had an investigating family show up to church and half of them were in jeans.  Two of their daughters did have on dresses but the others didn't. A lot of people do not even own dresses!  I have been looking for dresses because I'm substituting in early morning seminary for the next two months and it's hard to find them. Our local department store gets a rack of dresses in for Mother's Day each year and that's it.  As a mother I have been glad to compromise with a rebellious teenager daughter in a long jean skirt instead of another outfit that didn't cover as well. And styles are different in different areas of the country – long sweaters hide a lot of figure flaws.”

Maybe we were a little harsh in saying that denim is never acceptable in the chapel. The whole purpose of the Sabbath day is to bring the best of what we have and present it to the Lord when we renew our covenants with Him. It’s not about alternating dresses, or making sure you have on more makeup than a Broadway show.  Those are all little details that don’t mean much in the long run. What does matter is that you’re there in the proper spirit.  Our diatribe was mostly directed at some of the younger women and girls who show up to their meetings in a denim skirt, flip-flops and an oversized sweatshirt. We only ask that you try hard to be the best, and making sure that you’re clean in person and in heart is the least we can offer our Lord on the day we dedicate to Him. If a denim skirt is your nicest, run with it. Please, please, just don’t become so vain that you make a pact with other sisters in your ward that you will not be seen in the same dress more than once every two months, like one reader said happened in her ward!

More on the wedding issue came from another reader. “I have found that both here and in Utah, Mormon weddings are different than non-Mormon weddings, and that is okay. If you’re doing a mainstream wedding with a limited number of guests and a reception that is not just a congratulatory line, you need to make it clear to the members of your family and ward that are used to Mormon-type weddings.

“In a Mormon wedding you invite everyone you know and everyone your parents know and everyone in your ward (and your old ward) and if you send out 600 invitations you only plan to serve 300. If you are not invited to your neighbors' granddaughter's wedding you are offended even if you had no intention of going or of sending a gift.  You serve punch and cake or veggie trays and dip and sandwich trays and make mints and little rolled up thank-you scrolls.  If you are in Utah in between semesters or during spring break or other busy wedding times you dress up (or not) and run to several receptions on Friday and several on Saturday and usually skip the goodies altogether. And if the couple is having a program, they put the time on the invitation and special friends and family members know to be there at that time. You limit the number who come to the temple or civil ceremony and the wedding breakfast/dinner after the ceremony to family and close friends.

“It is up to you to let people know that you are not doing the traditional LDS wedding and that children will be out of place at your event.  Especially let family members know – most of the time they are not trying to be difficult; they just don't understand. (Many really have not encountered the "fee per person" type of wedding.)  I feel that expensive weddings are stupid if you can't afford them and sometimes when you can. Some former ward members of ours spent more than $20,000 on their daughter's wedding and they could afford it but the money could have been much better spent in my opinion because their daughter and her new husband slept on my basement floor for the first two months of their marriage because they were remodeling an old home and were struggling to get it finished along with school and jobs.”

This reader is absolutely right in her declarations, but we must stand by our original statement on reception etiquette. What she has described above as the typical Mormon wedding is not a true reception, but an open house where the invitation functions as an announcement and invitation.  Many people are on a tight budget and can’t afford announcements and invitations, so some corner cutting happens to apply that money elsewhere.  We just ask you to look at the invitation when it comes. If it is being held at the chapel from 6:00-9:00 p.m., feel free to bring the kids and let them run around.  If the invitation has an inner envelope with names on it with an RSVP card enclosed, and the reception is at a banquet hall or similar venue, please call for a sitter and only bring those whose names are written on the envelope. And we’re going to nag you on this yet again: send that RSVP card!

Any and all comments are welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. Thanks!