Miss Manners for Mormons Part Deuce
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, Ladies in Training

Miss Manners for Mormons Part One

By popular demand, we bring to you more Miss Manners for Mormons. Forget about the Christmas list we asked for! You want to learn etiquette. We here at Single Thought love it and are muttering incredulously to ourselves, “Who knew?”

Choristers are not cheerleaders and should not behave as such.

While it is amusing from time to time when a chorister attempts to improve the ward participation by giving directions from the rapping on her music stand or yelling out, “This time louder with more energy.” Sacrament meeting and/or any other church meeting is not the place for such activities.  The purpose of the hymns is to invite the spirit into our meetings and our hearts while we prepare to renew our covenants.  If the chorister is that gung-ho about musical dynamics, she needs to volunteer to lead the ward choir.

Children, like good intentions, should be carried out.

This quote has been attributed to everyone from George Washington to Brigham Young.  No matter who said it, it’s true.  Yes, your child is cute.  No, there is no other baby quite like yours.  He/she is precious.  If he/she cries or starts making loud cute cooing sounds, please take the child to the foyer until the child has internalized the concept of reverence. 

We recently noticed one couple struggling with young kids in the chapel. This couple was older, wrangling their grandchildren while trying so hard to listen to the Christmas service. We acknowledge that they deserved to stay and listen, but their grandbabies, (whom we should mention had been living with them for a year while their daughter in the Army served her year-long tour of duty in Iraq) were going a little nuts. These children were two and one.

One of the Young Women noticed the melee and volunteered to take the younger one out so they could enjoy the service. The joy and relief was apparent on their faces as the screaming younger child went out and the older child cuddled on grandpa’s shoulder for a little nap. It was the first time in months that this couple managed to sit through an entire sacrament meeting.  We can’t think of a better Christmas present!

It is never appropriate to ask why a couple does not have children yet, or why so few children.

Pam in Maryland wrote, “Miss Manners for Mormons was great!! The one no-no that many in this society repeatedly commit, but which you either missed or avoided, is to inquire as to the likelihood and timing of children.  Not only is it rude, but it can be very hurtful to those couples who are having fertility problems (which are becoming more and more common).” She’s absolutely right. Your well intentioned intrusions are still intrusions.  Do not ask. If the couple knows you well enough to share that painful, private story, they will.

Lance and Brea had been married for ten years and still had no children.  They wanted to stop going to church when well-intentioned members teased them about multiplying and replenishing the earth.  What no one knew is that Liz had medical issues that prevented pregnancy.  They took the good-natured ribbing in stride, but it made them feel distant, not part of the ward family.  After all, the ward family is full of kids, right? They felt no connect with their congregation.  They were eventually blessed with a child who has become the light of their lives, but they had to do some major medical testing all through Liz’s pregnancy to make sure the child would live.  The baby had to have heart surgery within a month of its birth, but did Lance and Bear care to let anyone in the ward know about this? They were supported by their families, but did not share that information with anyone else because they did not feel the kinship and love they should have within the ward family. Having kids should not be the qualifier for making people feel welcome and wanted!

And if someone does not have five or twelve children, please stop asking when they plan to have more.  Family size is a very personal choice, decided by people within that household. There may be a medical reason the couple cannot have more. No one better ask Juli why she only has two, because she’ll come out and say rather bluntly, “I can’t have any more.  Thank you for reminding me.”  That usually silences the crowd. She figures that a conversation started under such an intrusive premise should probably end the same way. Just say it with a smile.

Learn to sit still and wait your turn.

If you must leave during sacrament meeting, or any other meeting for that matter, please wait for the speaker and or musical number, to finish before exiting or entering the room.  If you must wait for ten minutes in the foyer waiting for a speaker to finish, please do so reverently. We’ve all been up there at the stand, nervously giving the talk we’ve spent a couple of weeks worrying and praying about. When someone leaves in the middle, don’t you wonder if nature is calling, or if you really are that boring?  Primary teachers make their kids wait before going to the little room, and you should too.

Denim does not belong in the chapel.

Call us old-fashioned, but we don’t believe that denim belongs in the chapel.  This includes jean skirts.  And while we are at it, we would like to condemn the attire of too many young women in the midwest who have taken to wearing long jean skirts with their husbands’ oversized sweaters, big clunky dark shoes, and think they have feminized it by wearing a large bow in their hair.  This style was not attractive in 1990 and is still not flattering or attractive today.  No denim in the chapel.  No more husbands’ sweaters.  Ever!

Denim skirts are perfectly acceptable in firesides and other meetings.  Just remember when you prepare yourself for the Sabbath day that you are presenting yourself to the Savior to renew the covenants you have made with him.  Semi-formal is not necessary.  Just try to look a little better than you do on any other day.

Sister G wrote in to comment on the sad lack of attention to self she has noticed lately. “I am really getting picky, but the level of attire, or should I say disarray of attire [is disturbing]. I am frankly embarrassed by the way many of the sisters show up to worship the Lord.  Flip-flops, clogs, tight tees, low-cut blouses, skirts hardly covering "possible" from either direction.  Denim was the start and now slacks and even jeans.  A couple of Sundays ago one of the missionary sisters bent over in front of me and I am suddenly face-to-face with rear cleavage.  Gasp!” Yikes. We know that jeans and skirts that rest lower on the hips are in fashion now, and it’s hard to find modest, properly fitting attire. There are several websites we have seen that offer longer t-shirts and higher cuts to make dressing modestly a little less of a chore. Please don’t simply yank your shirt down over the waistband and hope for the best. If you must yank it there in the first place, it’s just too short.

Do not ask half-LDS couples when the other spouse will convert.  

This is just plain tacky and rude, and quite frankly it’s none of your business either.  We do all appreciate that you are trying to be a good member missionary, but try to remember that clearly the person has been exposed to the church.  Do your missionary work, but remember your manners and do not ask forward intrusive questions.  Many happy marriages are strained by well-intended ward members who think they are helping. That person is much more likely to convert from your efforts of friendship than anything else you might try.

Liz is happily married.  Her husband is Catholic.  She shared the following experience: “At a family function, an overzealous aunt asked him when he was going to get baptized.  Having a keen sense of humor, he replied, ‘Didn’t you know that all of this time I’ve been trying to convert you to Catholicism?’”

Pioneer ancestry does not make you an elite member of the Church.

Jim shared this thought with us recently. “Pioneer ancestry is not exclusive to Utah pioneers nor does it make you ‘better’ than the rest of us. Some of us have ancestors who were the very first to join the Church in certain areas that stayed to keep the Church going and growing in other areas. They faced extreme danger and hardship that to some degree still exist.  Don't rest on your ancestors’ laurels.  We don't care to hear about it.  Those of us outside of Utah don't think July 24th should be more important than the 4th of July. If it weren't for the ancestors who fought to make this a country, the 24th would be a moot point.”

Juli is a descendant of Caleb Baldwin, and when his name was mentioned at church somehow, she pitched in that her mother was a Baldwin.  Women who had never spoken to her before but had read The Work and the Glory suddenly came up to say in somber tones, “I had no idea!” As if suddenly knowing that she in related to someone who was in Liberty Jail with Joseph Smith gave her pedigree that she never had before. To Juli, the snooty kind of pedigree is just a dog food, and it just figures that her ancestors were in jail! Even if they were there with Joseph Smith.

When you plan an activity or event and a cleaning crew is needed, be prepared to head it up yourself. 

This is not the time for you to stand around and accept congratulations on a job well done.  Your job is not over until the last chair is put away and door locked.  Ask for a cleaning crew before the event, not during or after. 

Weddings, Weddings, and More on Weddings

Our declaration that registry information should not be put in the wedding invitation sparked quite a bit of controversy.  Many of you disagreed with us and argued that including registry information is much more convenient for the guests.  We understand your complaints.  But allow us to explain further.  After you have received an invitation or announcement to a wedding it is then your kind responsibility to call the couple or their parents and offer your congratulations.  At which time you may say, “I would like to give you a gift.  Are you registered anywhere?”  It is also considered appropriate to ask the best man or maid of honor where a couple is registered.  This is according to Emily Post and the real Miss Manners, not just Erin and Juli.

Recently, Annie received a wedding invitation that was so horrifying that she brought it to the attention of “A Single Thought.”  The misguided couple had homemade invitations.  That was not their crime.  We appreciate that many couples are on a tight budget and do not have a problem with homemade invitations.  It was what they had written on their invitation.  And we quote-

“We have registered at Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond.  Gift cards and monetary donations are accepted.  To learn more about us, please visit our website….  To purchase our wedding pictures please contact the photographer at … “

Talk about panhandling!  It is never, ever acceptable to say it is okay to give money, and it’s poor form to encourage people to buy your wedding pictures.  If the guests must go to your website to learn about you, maybe you don’t know them well enough to invite them to your wedding.  It is okay to put your website address on your invitation, and it is okay to put registry and photography information on your site as well.  But you do not ever suggest you would like people to give money. It is, however, appropriate to let guests know that in lieu of gifts, donations to a charitable organization would be appreciated.  But please put that information on a separate little card and include it with the announcement.  Do not put it on the announcement itself.

Cherilyn shared with us her opinion on the topic of wedding invitations. “Mormons are about the only ones that trivialize the wedding invitation by putting creativity – and more often tackiness –  first before presenting the occasion as the most beautiful and important event in a lifetime.  The most beautiful invitation I have received in recent years was to a wedding reception this fall.  Simple and beautiful. No photo. You knew this was going to be a great occasion of respect and honor and everything that a temple marriage should portray. The photo didn't come until I received the thank you note for the gift. Very nicely done.”

This one is a touchy subject. The LDS community loves to send pictures with wedding invitations.  We do not wish to break anyone of this lovely tradition.  We suggest the following: instead of including a picture with every invitation you send to the entire ward, put your picture on your free website (available at many bridal magazine websites), and send personal photos with the thank you cards you send out after the wedding.  Guests will enjoy receiving a beautiful picture of the couple on their wedding day, and the money saved by only printing pictures for those who attended can be saved or spent elsewhere. 

Karen had another pet peeve on wedding receptions. She said, “People need to be taught that when the inside envelope is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so, that does not mean that they can bring their six children!  That really happened to us when we sent out RSVP cards for our daughter's wedding. Also, when the reception time is during the dinner hours, it is not okay to serve cake and punch and nothing else.”  Amen Sister Friend!  If you expect us to come from 6-9 p.m., please give us more to eat than just a slice of cake and ginger ale with sherbet in it. We love the sherbet, but we’re growing girls! We need more to sustain us!

Finally, please do not invite someone to come to your reception, make them get dressed up in their nicest clothes, and then expect them to help clean up.  Months and weeks of planning are put into wedding receptions.  Please add an extra twenty minutes of planning to figure out who is going to clean up after the reception.  No one expects the family of the bride and or groom to do the heavy lifting at 11 pm.  Brides and mothers, be smart!  You will have just endured a very long emotional and exhausting day.  Keep that in mind, and hire someone to clean up your mess!  It will be the smartest money you spend on your wedding. If hiring someone is not an option, get your Young Women to earn Personal Progress hours or pay the deacons to do this. An extra ten-spot at the end of the day will be well worth it.  You won’t regret it.

More Thoughts on Etiquette from Readers

A special thanks goes out to Russ and Tamara in Florida. In response to our column last week on RSVP and registry cards, they sent us a lovely invitation to their reception crammed full of their registry cards. We love it!  Thanks for the laugh – best one we’ve had in awhile.

Judy from Maryland wrote in about our rule on Zion.  She said, “I grew up in ‘Mormonland’ but I have spent the rest of my life in various other locations around the United States.  It truly grieves my adult children who've never lived in Mormonland except for college to hear that icky phrase: ‘The Mission Field’ in reference to all locations outside the original boundaries of Deseret.  It gives us the feeling that the speaker is either feeling sorry for us, or considers us weird.  We, in fact, feel blessed because we have so many opportunities to spread the gospel to close friends.  It makes our activity in the Church a clear choice, and not just a cultural norm devoid of actual spiritual basis. Ooooh, I'm getting rude here. Sorry, this is about manners after all.”

Gail said, ”When I saw the article of Miss Manners for Mormons, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, boy –  now they are going to tell members that it is impolite to traipse back and forth, in and out of the chapel during Sacrament meeting.’ Yes, we all know there are times when parents have to take their young children out of the chapel, or to the bathroom.  I am not referring to necessity; I am talking about those people who are old enough to sit through a full meeting without disrupting it. Sometimes I feel that I've gone to a flea market instead of a place of worship.  Everyone is happy and the chatter is loud.  The children running amok.  The organ music seems to be more of an intrusion than a call to prepare ourselves for worship.

“Another concern would be the so-called 'Mormon Standard Time.'  Why can't the Saints get to church on time, even when the meeting is at one or even five o'clock in the afternoon?  Is this the way to sustain our leaders or do the leaders mean these times to be suggestions?"

Bryce, Utah

Mike in Salt Lake City, and many others, yelled at us for misspelling ‘Brice’ in our last column. “You could spell Bryce correctly in your article.”

We stand corrected, but maintain that you have only furthered our point.  We’re laughing. We would also like to add that the last time either of us visited Bryce, it was snowing and 30 degrees in the middle of June.  It’s a miracle we didn’t call it “Ice Canyon” instead. If we do, though, we promise to spell it “Yce Canyon.”

Tune in Next Week When We Actually Talk About Single Life Again

Your comments, compliments, contemplations, cash, credit cards, concerns, confusions, and crazy dating stories are always welcome at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.  Thanks!

Merry Christmas from Erin and Juli!