Miss Manners for Mormons
By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell
With a hey-nonny-nonny and a Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

Who knew there was such a demand for a Miss Manners for Mormons?  We here at a Single Thought were absolutely stunned to discover how many of our readers (single and married) emailed to let us know that we really, really need one! We are humbled that you would entrust such a task to us. We must admit, though, that we hardly feel equal to the task. After all, we all want someone to tell it like it is but no one wants the blame. All common sense aside, we volunteer to take the blame! As brilliant, self-proclaimed experts on Mormon etiquette, we know you don’t know where to find us if you don’t care for our rules.

We would like to take the opportunity to point out a few more guidelines to use this holiday season that may be utilized year round. We won’t mind if you print this up extra small and keep it in your wallet. We want to be close to … well, never mind.

Rule Number One: All Things Jell-o.

This is not a dessert or a side dish. We’re not sure scientists have come up with a classification for it yet.  It is served by hospitals to patients with dehydration.  Adding fruit and/or vegetables to Jell-o, no matter what color you serve, does not make it any closer to becoming an actual food, increase its nutritional value, or make it more palatable.  It should never be served to missionaries, guests, or at weddings. We recognize that this is a great Mormon tradition, so if your family loves the big red letter, feel free to make it into molds and serve it to your Jell-o-loving clan. We agree that there is nothing easier to make. For us, however, please hold the carrot shavings.

Rule Number Two: The Big Fat Mormon Wedding

Weddings are intended to be a celebration of the most important event of a couples’ life.  A great deal of planning, money, effort, and emotion has gone into the event.  Therefore we ask on the behalf of brides everywhere, please dress appropriately.  Denim is never acceptable at the most important day of anyone’s life.  If the bride can spend two hours getting dressed for you to see her, you can spend five minutes making sure you look nice too.

We would also like to encourage those who would wear denim to remember to RSVP if you are asked to do so. Mom and Dad are shelling out a large chunk of change to finance the selling of their daughter. Chances are excellent that they are paying per plate, and if you are expected to come but do not show, they still have to pay for your piece of chicken and your serving of mixed nuts. Knowing how many to expect keeps the bill, and chances for a heart attack when the final bill comes, a little better.

Rule Number Three: There is a Fine Line between being Kind and being Intrusive.

Connie wrote, “I was a little surprised at the discussion about rude marrieds.  Were these people polite before they were married and suddenly morphed into anti-socials?  Or, particularly in the case of family, is it possible that rude is just rude, without a marital qualifier?” Interesting question. It is our fervent belief that most people have no intention of being rude. They really have the best intentions but are incapable of communicating those properly.

An excellent example of this happened in a student ward one of us attended. The bishop was a decent, humble, hardworking man who just did his calling as he was asked. He didn’t go about in his family ward, bragging to others that he was off to lead the young singles of the world. He just disappeared. One well-meaning but clueless sister in his home ward approached his wife one day at church, pulled her aside, and told her, “I just want you to know that I’m praying for your husband to return to the fold.”

The bishop’s wife could very easily have gotten offended, embarrassed the sister, gotten angry, or all of the above at once. She recognized that sister’s intentions were good, and thanked her for her prayers. It never hurts to have someone praying for us, right? While a little more knowledge of the situation could have gone a long way, she knew the sister meant no harm. This is the most important thing to remember. As Connie continued, “And when we are offended, doesn't the gospel teach us to go to our brother (mother, aunt, grandma) and resolve the problem?” If we feel truly offended, a calm discussion of how you perceive the situation could go a long way. We know a few too many people who let a grudge against other church members fester and get in the way of their testimony, and, as a result, their eternal salvation.

Enough preaching already! Just remember to think before you speak, and be kind.

Rule Number Four: Know When to Say Yes, and When to Say No 

Being burned out and giving a big sigh before doing something means you have said yes one too many times. Remember that saying no is much better than doing something with a grudging heart. Talking yourself into the task by telling yourself that you’ll earn blessings means that you shouldn’t be doing it. Take a little breather before saying yes again. We only earn the blessings when we really want to sacrifice our time and talents. And consequently, that bad attitude can spread to others. Keep it to yourself, please

The same is true for dating. There are only so many pity dates you can accept before you get burned out. If you have no desire to date, take yourself out of the game for awhile. Just not for too long! We can almost guarantee that if you are truly meant to be with someone, going on a dating sabbatical for a month or two won’t interfere with that, but the more you put yourself out there, the better your chances of finding him or her sooner.

Rule Number Five: Don’t Be Afraid to Tell It Like It Is

A while ago we asked what might prevent a guy from accepting a date with a woman. Leon wrote back and gave us the awful truth: “Proud, fat, and just plain ugly,” he said. While we cannot vouch for him or the women who may have asked him out, at least he gave us his brutally honest opinion. And he signed himself the same way! At least he recognizes his own limits.

This same rule holds true for the tail end of any relationship. If it’s over, call the time of death and have the funeral. Dragging out the inevitable doesn’t make it any better. It just wastes the time of all involved.

Momma always said that honesty is the best policy, and we endorse Momma. We have been raised to be polite, which is a good thing, but keeping the truth to yourself to avoid hurting another’s feelings only makes the situation more complicated than it should be. Suck it up and let it all come out. Trust us, you’ll feel much better.

Rule Number Six: More on Weddings

We understand that when you finally get married, you want the whole world to know. You’re ecstatic, excited, exuberant, because you’ll never again be just a plain old “ex.” We advise you to share this blessed event with close family and friends. Therefore, the ward list should not serve as your address book. Some people may not know you well enough but will feel obligated to come and bring a present.

Leah wrote, “I have to say, I am often confused about why I get invitations to some wedding receptions - people who ignore me at church will send invitations to their children's wedding receptions - children who have been away at college whom I've never met ... strange. I can't figure it out.  I am left to wonder what the motive is.  Are they hoping I have recently inherited money and will send a fabulous gift? Is it that they want to show how pretty their son's bride is?  Are they thinking someone will feel excluded if they don't send invites to everyone on the ward list?  Why not just be friendly to me at church if they just don't want me to feel excluded!?”

Conversely, please do not feel offended when Sister Smith’s son gets married and you are not invited to the wedding. We can all be happy for the couple, but no couple wants to stare blankly at a line full of people known only to their parents.

We regret that we must mention this at all, but when you do send out the invitations, under no circumstances are you to print the place of registry anywhere on them! Marc asked us in response to last week’s column about the wedding shower, “This week's column on showers and receptions does have me somewhat confused.  Back when my daughters were married, they didn't even consider registering at any store.  But for those who do register, I don't understand why the registration shouldn't be listed in the wedding invitations.”

Well, Marc, you have asked the right people! Remember, we are brilliant social experts. First, let’s break down the difference between a wedding announcement, wedding invitation, and a bridal shower invitation.  Announcements are exactly that.  This is what parents should be sending to all of their old friends that have not seen the bride and groom in the last twenty years.  Announcements can be sent up to six months in advance of the wedding.  The intent is purely to announce to the world that the happy couple has decided to get married.  They should include the names of the couple, the parents if so desired, and the date and location of the wedding. The Invitation is meant to invite guests to the wedding. 

Invitations should include detailed information about the location, date and time of the wedding.  They should also include an RSVP card.  If you cared so much about the people as to invite them to the celebration of the most important event of your life, you will want to know if they are coming.  Therefore, always include an RSVP card.  Otherwise your guests will not feel that their attendance is important to you. 

Last but not least, we have the bridal shower invitation.  It is sent to the closest female friends of the bride and the bride’s mother.  The bridal shower is an opportunity for women to shower the bride with gifts and wisdom.  Guests should come strictly from the wedding invitation list.  This is the only proper place to mention a registry. The reception is a place for the couple to celebrate their new eternal union, not beg for more presents. It really just looks plain bad. Kindly refrain from this heinous yet growing practice.

Rule Number Seven: Zion is Not Located on the Wasatch Front

Those who have never lived in Utah get rather offended when Utahns refer to Utah as Zion, and everywhere else as the mission field. We’re all in the field, we’re all supposed to be harvesting, and we are all members of the same church, the same cause, believers in the same gospel .We are all in Zion.

Utahns, please, please stop referring to malls in Utah as if we all have been there and know where they are.  And in that same vein, most of us do not know where the Avenues, Little Cottonwood Canyon, Brice, Utah State, and Tooele are.  To be honest, most of us don’t know how to spell or pronounce Tooele, let alone find it on a map.  If you can’t find my hometown on a map, don’t expect me to find yours.

If you move from Utah, please do not assume that all members of the Church have lived there. You may have aced Utah history in third grade, but no one else had to take that course! Not everyone is as well versed in Utah geography as you. Please understand and appreciate the different aspects of local culture that make us all unique. And if you do move, remember that pretty much the entire LDS population knows where Salt Lake is. You need not mention that you came from “Salt Lake City, Utah, the headquarters of the Church.” 

Rule Number Eight: Talking to Singles

Never, under any circumstances, is it okay to ask a single person when they are getting married or if they are dating anyone in particular.  They are very aware of their single status.  Asking only shows them that the whole world is married and putting pressure on them to become the same way, like the Borg in Star Trek: Next Generation.  “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” Yes, they may be dating someone special, and you will most likely know if they become engaged. We can’t promise you’ll be the first, but you’ll know in time to get the present.

Recently a good friend said to us that her mother was encouraging her to date more and get married.  Her mother also encouraged her to abandon some of her tomboy ways, specifically, to stop playing basketball.  Our friend had this to say, “Doesn’t she realize every time she tells me to stop playing basketball she turns me off even more to wanting to get married?  If marriage means giving up basketball, I don’t want to get married!”  So friends, stop and think before you offer your completely unwarranted advice. 

Rule Number Nine: If You Get Offended by Any of the Above, Repeat the Following Phrase – “They are Talking About Me. I Am Guilty!”

It’s perfectly okay to make a mistake or two. We really believe that people who commit these social gaffes have the best intentions. Juli freely admits that she was raised in the proverbial barn and had to learn the hard way. She still has no clue how to find the salad fork. The best rule to remember is to think before you speak, because it just might save you a whole lot of stress. And when you are presented with a whole lot of silverware that you have no clue how to handle, start from the outside and work your way in.

If you have any more rules you would like to add to our list, feel free to send them to us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. If you would like to argue any of the finer points, you may do that as well. If your argument is strong enough, we just might tell everyone else how smart you are!

Featured Icky Story of the Week

Becky in Texas sent in a fabulous, horrible story of a ward mission leader who … oh, we’ll just let her tell you.  “I just read your latest column and at the bottom you mentioned good crazy dating stories.  This isn't a dating story but it is the best (or worst) pick-up line that has ever been told to me.

“I was in a singles ward and called to be a ward missionary. I was so excited to be a part of the ward mission because we had sister missionaries and a lot of inactive singles.  After a couple weeks, I felt like my ward mission leader was trying to put the moves on me, in a very sly sort of way.  He called me into his ‘office’ (the ward library) to have an interview on my efforts and progress.  While in the interview he just paused and told me, ‘Becky, you are an amazing person, you know you are the epitome of the 13th Article of Faith ... Man, when kids get up in sacrament meeting and recite their favorite Article of Faith, they could just say ‘Becky’ and everyone would know that their favorite was the 13th Article of Faith.

“My first thoughts....

1) I wasn't sure if this really was a mission meeting or an ‘I-want-some-alone-time-to-express- my-true-feelings-meeting’

2) I didn't know whether to be flattered or gag

3) What was I supposed to say? ... I guess, ‘Thanks, that is my favorite Article of Faith.’

“I decided to be flattered because, after all, who wouldn't want to ‘seek after these things?’ Just kidding, but it turned out for the best because while I was with him and the rest of the ward missionaries at the temple a few weeks after that, I saw my husband for the first time.  I married him exactly one year later.”  Congratulations to Becky and her husband, who recently celebrated their first anniversary.

She has an excellent point. She advises all of us to act like the 13^th Article of Faith. Be virtuous, lovely, praiseworthy, and all that other good stuff. When someone says or does something monumentally stupid, try to be flattered, because like her socially inept ward mission leader, they may be trying to impress you. Just remember, guys, we’ve brought this up in the recent past and we’ll say it again: Rule Number Ten is that it is not okay to use your calling to pick up chicks! You have nothing to be afraid of. Most girls will say yes and be flattered that you asked outright, and if they say no, chances are excellent that it wasn’t meant to be anyway.

Coming soon to A Single Thought: A single’s grown-up Christmas list. Let us know what you’ll ask Santa when you sit on his knee! What do you really want for Christmas? A date with the ward’s featured hottie? A normal roommate? An engagement ring from that someone special? Or would you just settle for a date? Let us know! We can’t wait to hear from you. We are always available at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Thanks, and have a merry shopping week! Don’t forget to keep the “Christ” in Christmas!