Be Single, Be Proud

By Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, each typing with one hand while gnawing on a turkey drumstick with the other

Sitting at the Children’s Table

Are you invisible?  Are you treated like a mutant or half-person?  Are you called belittling pet names by superiors?  Are you left out of important social events?  Are you paid less than your married co-workers?  Are you thirty years old, with a great career, a masters degree, and still sitting at the children’s table?

If you have answered yes to any of the above questions, please know that we sympathize, empathize, and super-size. You suffer these indignities for one reason and one alone: because you are single.

The holidays are rapidly approaching.  And with them come the big family festivities and the inevitable insult known as “The Children’s Table.”  Annie (name always changed to protect her naïve innocence) comes from a rather large family of fifty-something grandchildren.  The standing family rule has always been that you have to be married to sit at the adult table.  Because Annie is single, and in spite of the fact that she is twenty years older than some of the grandchildren, she will be joining her younger cousins around a turkey several times this year. 

Actually, they won’t be gathered around a turkey.  The turkey will be sitting on the adults’ table, with the adult conversation, in the dining room.  The single cousins, and the cousins not old enough to vote yet, will be allowed to come around the big table and pick up some pre-carved turkey off the platter and return to the wooden picnic table in the family room.  They will then gather on wooden benches, like the pilgrims of yore, and talk about the latest Hillary Duff movie and getting food stuck in their braces, very much unlike the pilgrims of yore. 

Why will this happen?  Why will Annie not be speaking about politics, work, the gospel, and other grown up things?  Why will she be banished from the adult room?  Why will she finally find out who Mandy Moore is?  Simply because she is afflicted with what the married folk see as a horrible disease that scares off all married adults. 

These married adults have nothing to fear! They are multi-talented people who can bravely reach behind them with one hand and wipe dirty noses while driving through holiday traffic with the other, but for some reason are afraid to speak to a singleton.  Their children are not afraid of this disease, but do question Annie’s existence. (“Where’s your husband? Why don’t you have one???”) Married adults are afraid that the loathsome disease the singletons carry with them (obviously forgetting that they too once had this loathsome disease) may be transmitted to them just by acknowledging her presence. 

She Gets to Sit at the Table at Work, But …

This week at work Annie will host a dinner for 35 businessmen at a fancy restaurant in another city.  She will introduce CEO’s to each other and help negotiate the details in a multi-million dollar contract.  During this business dinner she will be allowed to sit amongst the other adults and eat the food the waitress serves.  At no point will she have to make sure that the six-year-old next to her needs his or her meat cut.  She will discuss commissions, profit, losses, new products, and the political climate. Hillary Duff will most likely NOT come up in conversation.  And the fact that she is single will have no bearing whatsoever on where she sits at the table.

While she happily sits at the grown-up table with her colleagues at work, sometimes she is called insufferable pet names simply because she is the female singleton in the office. Annie recently found herself in a boardroom where she was the only woman.  Accustomed to being the only woman in her division, she was comfortable with this.  And her co-workers were fine with it as well. 

However, there was a new person in the room, someone not yet familiar with Annie’s credentials and experience.  He just assumed that because she was female she must be the personal assistant or errand girl to the team.  He referred to her as “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”  He never did anything outright offensive, such as send her to fetch the coffee.  But she couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t refer to any of the gentleman in the room as “Bucko” or “Buddy.”  Somehow the patronizing references were saved for her alone. 

Later that day another woman joined the group.  An older married woman.  Truth was that Annie outranked the older woman and had climbed well above her on the career ladder; the other woman was the department secretary.  But simply based on age and marital status, Annie was the one getting the inappropriate comments.

The Singles (say it with disdain)

Not too long ago there was a scheduling conflict at the stake center.  It seemed a ‘family ward’ and the ‘singles ward’ had both forgotten to schedule the chapel for an extra choir practice.  One ward was leaving and the other ward was arriving.  While the choir directors battled it out by the piano, someone was heard to say in the hallway, “The Singles want to use the chapel now.”  We were not referred to by the name of our ward, but by our marital status. 

Why is it people always refer to us as the Singles?  We don’t call them the Marrieds. Until now! We just decided that from now on, we will refer to all married people as the Marrieds. We beg of you, refrain from saying it with a hint of condescension. Remember, we are trying to rise above it all. But the question remains: why are Singles looked upon as unworthy?  Half-human?  Incapable of cutting their own turkey?

We have racism, sexism, ageism, and now, maritalism.  (Yes, we just made up that word.  Get over it.) This is discrimination against those who are not yet married.  Discriminating solely on marital status.  Maritalism!   

We here at a Single Thought say, Be Single, Be Proud!  Stand up against maritalism!  Demand to be treated equally!  You deserve to be treated as an adult!  You have earned a place at the grown-up table! You should be making equal pay!  You should not have to suffer the indignities of pet names and condescending, patronizing comments from co-workers just because you have not yet married.  We must defeat the attitudes that seem to say, “For those of you who choose to remain single, you get what you deserve.” Being a singleton is rarely about choice. It’s mostly about opportunities that never presented themselves in the first place.

Your Thoughts

We heard from so many single sisters last week, divorced and widowed, who had some great insight on dating the second time around. ‘Kolache’ Lynn writes, “Let me tell you, it's even harder to find somebody if you're an older single.  To paraphrase what a woman once said about dating in the computer tech world (the odds are good, but the goods are odd), I have to say that the odds *aren't* good, and the goods are definitely odd.  (I include some of my fellow sisters among the oddballs...)

“Four years ago, as Leap Year dawned, I decided that I would ask some of the brethren I knew and liked from the activities for dates.  Not one accepted.  I am still friends with most of them, but it did take awhile before the urge to mantis them passed.  (How guys ask people out on a regular basis, I do not understand, but those that do, have my respect – even if they're not asking *me*!)  I honestly do not see men of my generation becoming comfortable with a woman asking them out.  It's not how they were raised, and I would frankly prefer being the ask-ee.”

This brings up an interesting question. We have discussed the girls asking the guys out many times in this column but have never applied that to our older single readers. What do you think, gentlemen? If she had asked you out, even as a friend, would you have accepted? We have it on excellent authority that this woman is a hoot. What would prevent a man from accepting an invitation from a nice lady like her who just wants to spend some time with single LDS men her  own age? Please let us know at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.

Mark wants to remind us that we were all single once before. “Remember, we were single before mortality. Those who are now married will either be single again while in mortality or will be single for a time in our post-mortal lives. Single seems to be a part of the pre-resurrection experience. However, all who are celestial will be married, and they will remain that way for eternity. All who desire it with all their hearts will be married … for eternity.” Thanks for the encouragement! It’s just so hard sometimes to remember that we need to work these things out in the Lord’s timeframe, not our own.

C has gone through a very painful divorce and admits, “I do feel left out of things and I dare say that if I did not have children, I would never be included in anything. Am I a little bitter?  Yes.  Does that affect my ability to love the Lord and serve?  No. But feeling incomplete, feeling left out, feeling lonely and yet not alone, those are all the feelings that I have and no one has figured out how to include us.”  To anyone who may know someone like C: divorce is not leprosy. You will not catch it. Just be a friend and let her know she has not lost her place in the ward family. She needs you more now than she ever did when she was married!

Holly sent in some excellent advice that may help C and others. “You have to be a good friend to have good friends, be a great family member to be invited into other's families. If you want to go to a party or nice dinner on Sundays, have one at your residence and invite others to join in. Be the party, be the friend, be the family member and you will not lack in social interactions. If you want a family to invite you into their lives, start by serving them.

“I guess the key is in giving selflessly, giving without thought of return. One can give without it being too sacrificial, unhealthy, enabling, etc. If we love the Savior, love ourselves and love our neighbors sincerely, genuinely, people are attracted to that kind of gentle confidence and a single will not lack for satisfying personal interaction. If you look around with a prayerful heart, the Spirit will direct you to those who would benefit from your cheerful interactions with them.”

Could I Get Some Whipped Cream on That?

Here is our informal Thanksgiving poll for our Yank readers: what are your plans this Thanksgiving? Spending time with family and friends? Going to Europe? Hiding from everyone in the Bahamas? Eating yourself silly? To our readers everywhere who may or may not indulge in the U.S. Thanksgiving gorge-fest, we welcome your letters this week and every week, on this week’s column or anything else you can think of! You can always reach us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. We promise to try and avoid dripping gravy on anything you send us.

Happy Thanksgiving!