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When
Saturday Night Means a Good Book and an Early Night
By
Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, fairy godmothers
Sometimes,
Saturday night is just more interesting alone. Living the
revved up, busy, and socially oriented life of a single
is not all it’s cracked up to be. There are weeks where
the boredom of life as a desk jockey is only endured by
knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel. A light with friends, a party, the singles ward, and surroundings
that don’t involve four gray, felt-covered walls.
Saturday night is all about friends, and Sunday promises
spiritual and social enlightenment.
But
what about the weeks where you have worked hard and there
just isn’t anyone interesting enough to spark a light at
the end of your tunnel? There’s no joy in the thought of
going to yet another Relief Society meeting where girls
half your age whine on about how hard it is to be single
and will they ever get married? You know that it
wouldn’t be better in a family ward, where the women complain
about getting to children to bed on time and sneaking in
time with an absentee husband. And you start to wonder
where the place is for you in the Church.
We
have singles wards and Institute, but for some of us, they
just aren’t working. We know we aren’t the only ones who
think this, because (as annoying as this is), married people
love to say how they met; the two couples we know who met
because of Institute always say, “See, it works for SOME
people!”
Singles come in all shapes and sizes.
We’re
not one size fits all. Some go to school, some work, some
own homes, some have five roommates, some have five kids,
some wonder if they will ever get to have kids. One thing
defines us all and binds us together: we’re all single,
and somehow we believe this is the most defining characteristic
we are known by. Forget being known as the accomplished
piano player. When you are single it seems that you are
known as the “single piano player.” At family dinners,
no one starts the conversation with, “So how is work going?”
Instead, the first thing they ask is, “So, dating anyone
interesting?” or, “How’s your love life?” This is interesting
because not once in the history of the world has anyone
sat down at the dinner table, turned to the nearest relative
and said, “So, is your marriage interesting?”
To
people who aren’t single, being single means that no matter
what your shape, size, style, and sort, you are expected
to fit in to that same little square peg called the singles
ward. But what do you do when you just don’t fit into that
peg? When you are forty years old, with three children
at home, a full-time job, and an ex-spouse who now has a
new family, where do you go to find the second love of your
life? Where do you find someone will understand that a
date requires getting a babysitter and at least five days’
notice? Where do you go when you are thirty-three, single,
work fifty hours a week, flying about from town to town
for work, and your singles ward is more like a haven for
twenty-somethings who are looking for a party on a Saturday
night?
If
you feel as though you are completely disenfranchised with
being single, you are not alone. You are perfectly normal
if you feel like a round peg in a square hole.
But
the question remains: What do you do when Relief Society
starts to feel like a babysitting job? Or you really are
the grandpa of the Elders Quorum? Or Saturday night with
a good book and an early bedtime sounds so much better than
standing in line for a hot dog at the ward activity? Do
you give up? Or keep trying? When is it time to call it
quits and just forget the whole social scene?
The
answer is that we simply do not know. We really can’t answer
those questions for you. We wish we could wave our fairy
godmothers’ wands and make dating interesting for everyone,
and teach ward activity chairmen how to make all activities
fun…but sadly, our wands were confiscated for improper use
of magic at the local Ben and Jerry’s (when Juli absconded
with all the Phish Food, and Erin Ann decorated the place
with caramel fudge ribbon).
But that won’t stop us from sharing with you what we
hope you will do!
We
humbly suggest the following:
Stand
up for yourself! Don’t cave in! Be your own unique, wonderful
person! And whatever you do, don’t try and fit in that
square hole! Stay home and read a good book if a ward activity
does not appeal to you. Remember, you’re supposed to be
having fun in all of this as well. Join a book club and
have good conversation. Volunteer; write your personal
history for your family, past, present, and future. Start
a “my age only” scripture study group and take turns teaching
a lesson. Take a hula dance class from county recreation!
Anything to keep your mind entertained and to place you
in the path of new and interesting people.
Because
that’s the funny thing about trying to improve yourself
for you and no one else.
Others of the opposite gender notice that you have set yourself
apart and are really something special. You are interesting
to talk to because you have so many great stories and anecdotes.
You are interesting because you have a life … not because
you want to get married and are just there waiting for marriage
to happen to you.
Please
let us know your thoughts on this subject. Tell your brothers
and sisters in “older” single land that they are not alone!
Any and all email to support or retort what we have said
is welcome in our inbox: erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Your
Thoughts
Shizue
in Tokyo wrote in to thank us for some advice we issued
last week in, “To Date or Not to Date.” She had been asked
out by several nonmembers but decided not to go with any
of them. She said, “When I read, ’If you are asked
out by someone whom you don't find attractive, get over
yourself and go out with him anyway. You never know who
will be your next best friend,’ I wondered if I should have
dated these guys. But I was relieved to read the part,
‘When you first meet someone and you get that sinking
feeling that makes you all uncomfortable to be around them,
take it as a sign and leave.’
I don't want to waste any time with the man who only
leaves me fear.”
We
are very lucky and blessed to have the gift of the Holy
Ghost, guys. It’s not always going to jump out and yell,
“No! Don’t go out with that person!” Go with your
gut when it comes to dating. If anything feels slightly
amiss, it might be warnings from someone who knows more
than you do.
Kevin
from Illinois wrote, “To increase your chances of [dating]
success, you can either increase the universe of people
you find attractive, increase the universe of people who
find you attractive, or (ideally) both. To become a more
successful dater, you should try to broaden your perspective
on what is desirable and attractive in a dating partner
as much as possible, albeit acknowledging that you have
fundamental standards you won't dip below. Conversely,
you should do the most you can with what you've got to make
yourself as attractive as possible to others.” We agree.
He goes on to suggest some of the things we have already
mentioned, today and in columns past: take care of yourself,
hone your conversation skills, be
modest and presentable. No one wants to be around sloppy,
desperate people!
Becky
from Virginia wrote, “I really enjoyed the article (“To
Date or Not to Date”) for several reasons—it made me smile,
it was entertaining/educational, it had much truth (and
I saw some of me in there). It's hard to understand sometimes
that there are people out there who feel like we may feel.”
She is a prime example of what we discussed today; she is
divorced and living a second single life she never thought
she would have. So we say again, you are not alone!
Ed
made copies of last’s week’s article and passed them out
to his four single daughters. He said, “I especially liked
your advice to go out with someone you may not find physically
attractive, because he or she might be your new best friend.
That's a line I've hammered into the girls for years now.
Maybe that kid in your English class is a dead ringer for
Bill Gates at his geekiest – so what? Agree to a dance,
you've validated his existence and you've blessed him beyond
measure. You've probably done something he'll look back
on it 30 years from now with a continuing sense of joy.
Turn him down because you're more worried about what your
friends might think, and not only will you be adding one
more rejection to his already long list, but you're depriving
yourself of getting to know someone who just might turn
out to be a good friend down the road.”
Query of the Week
An
anonymous reader has a question she hopes our readers will be
able to answer. She writes, “I am in a ward in the DC area which
has gained a (possibly well-deserved) reputation in the region.
It is known as the home of the socially inept. Ward members seem
to be scared to death of dating. The guys complain that the girls
aren't pretty enough and the girls make the same complaints about
the guys. Time and again interest will be observed between two
people, but neither one will admit it and nothing comes of it. They all complain
that they know each other too well and are only capable of seeing
each other as brothers and sisters. It is bad enough that when
new people move in, they very quickly (often within a month) move
on to ‘greener’ pastures—sometimes commuting nearly an hour to go to another ward! How can
we change the ward culture to convince ward members that dating shouldn't be such a
dreaded thing? How can we learn to see each other as who we really
are rather than as socially inept siblings? Is there any hope
for the ward?”
We
have one suggestion that was sent in to us from a reader
at BYU. She says that her bishop initiated a contest among
the brethren in the ward to see who could date the most
girls in the ward in a month’s time. Some guys were awarded
bonus points for taking girls out twice, but this was only
allowed after they had dated all the girls on the ward roster
at least once. It gave everyone in the ward the opportunity
to get to know others apart from the safe cloister of the
ward family.
Does
anyone else have advice for our diligent reader and her
ward of dating misfits? Please send any and all thoughts
to us at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Thanks, and have a great dating week!
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Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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