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The Evolution of Dating, Part 1
By
Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, Innocent Bystanders
Some
of our faithful readers are very frustrated with the dating
world as we know it. And who can blame them? Women complain
about men, men complain about women, parents smacking their
collective forehead wondering what is taking so long to
get their kids to the temple. Let’s face it: there is a
lot of pressure for us to get married, and the sooner the
better. This has turned the enjoyable experience of dating
into an intensive, angst-filled interview for the job you
will have for the rest of your life, and into eternity too.
How’s that for sucking the joy out of a Friday night?
Our
grandparents often reminisce about the “good old days.”
Life was simpler then. Dating was, too, except back in
the day, nobody called it dating. Remember the term courtship?
Yeah, that’s what they did back in their day. They didn’t
date – they courted each other. A Single Thought
would like to hold your hand and traipse down memory lane
with you, examining how courtship and dating have changed
throughout the years.
“Me Like
You” (6000 B.C.)
Big
hairy caveman named Gluck like soft, pretty girl. She
not hairy like Gluck. Gluck take big heavy club and whack
her over head, so pretty soft girl senseless. Gluck drag pretty
girl to cave. She wake up and now she married. She cook him big
mastodon roast for dinner. Gluck happy caveman! Girl
happy too. She not know better
because Oprah has not taught her about empowerment.
Moooooooore Romance (500 A.D., somewhere
in the South Pacific)
Nice
man, very secure in his masculinity, wears a sarong as he
looks over his plot of land and nice grass hut on the ocean.
He is blessed with many children, mostly girls. He prays
his thanks every day, and asks for strength and guidance
in how to deal with his obnoxious fifteen-year-old daughter.
All men in the village fear this girl. Smart young man
from another village likes what he sees and knows her dowry
is just right. Man sees the young man’s cows and hopes
the daughter he has to offer is enough for the cows. Father
gets cows, young man gets wife. Young man and young girl
are considered married. She is fine with this because she
has not read in Vogue that she should be offended.
Once Upon a Time (1854)
Courtship: To attempt to gain; seek; to try to gain
the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry.
To attempt to gain the favor of by attention
or flattery.
Once
upon a time, men and women actually engaged in something
called “courtship.” A man typically met a woman (and her
sisters) at a local ball. The gentleman would inquire of
an acquaintance the woman’s name. The acquaintance would then
arrange for the man and the woman to dance. There was little
fear that the woman would say no. That was seriously frowned
upon. They couple would then dance. If they found each
other pleasing, the man would then invite himself over to
her house. Or if her mother found him pleasing, she would
have the father invite the potential suitor over for a meal
and an afternoon of hunting. The hopeful young man would
then ask the young woman if she would like to walk about
the courtyard with him, hence the term “courtship.” She
would, of course, say yes. Frequently it was considered
in good taste for all of her sisters to walk with them.
(It is rumored that this was done just in case it didn’t
work out with the first sister; the young man could still
check out the younger sisters. The younger sisters just
thought it was a nice diversion from their needlepoint.)
After a few turns about the courtyard on varying days of
the week, the young man would have a talk with the father
in the study. When he came out, he would then inform the
young woman that her father said they could get married.
In most cases, they did.
In the Parlor (1904)
As
a woman at the turn of the century, you wore clothes so
modest that they covered every extremity except your hands
and face. As a man, you were expected to be chivalrous and
gallant, even if you didn’t know how to spell or pronounce
either word. When you met the person you were interested
in, you got to know each other better in front of many interested
parties, also known as chaperones. Apparently this wasn’t
embarrassing. If the young man and his prospective significant
other stood together after church without the chaperones
and he ended up walking her home, gossip would erupt about
them. If he had no intention of pursuing a serious relationship
with her, he was shamed for being so brazen. She, on the
other hand, was scolded for appearing to be easy, because
she allowed a young man to walk her home.
When
a man and woman decided that they would like to pursue a
serious relationship, he would ask her father for permission
to come to their home and sit in the parlor and visit with
them. Then, if his overtures were accepted as honorable
by the diligent father, he was allowed to come over one
or two evenings a week and sit in the front room with the
girl of his choice. After several months of this, perhaps
the parents would leave the room early, allowing the couple
to sit together alone for an hour or two. But he must always
leave by ten o’clock. Otherwise – SCANDAL!
Assuming
there was no scandal, and after several months of sitting
together in the parlor, and if both of them felt the same
way, the young man would again return to the father and
ask permission, this time if he could marry the girl. If
he could prove to the father that he was capable of providing
for the daughter, he would be allowed to ask her for her
hand. The daughter was expected to say yes.
Rock ‘n Roll (1954)
Flirt: To flatter with solicitous overtures in an attempt to obtain something
or clear away antagonism. To seek someone's love; woo.
His
name is Jerry, and he’s a hard-working RM. Her name is
Sandy, and she’s head cheerleader at the high school. He
is polishing up the chrome on his powder blue ’54 Chevy
in preparation for his big date tonight. He has ten dollars
in his pocket for the night out, and these ten dollars represent
a day’s wage for him. He puts on his blazer, straightens
his pencil-thin tie, and makes sure his jerry curl is slicked
and looking sharp. He collects himself before he knocks
on the door, knowing Sandy’s large, ornery father with a
rather large, frightening gun collection will be answering.
He
is allowed in and escorted to the front room and allowed
to sit in the presence of the pit bull father while Sandy
finishes primping. Her mother makes all sorts of friendly
chit chat while the father glares his disapproval in Jerry’s
direction. What makes this upstart young man think he’s
good enough for Daddy’s little girl? After several moments
of observation, the father asks Jerry where he works and
what he does there. He asks about Jerry’s family, doing
a mental inventory of all the people he knows with that
last name to make sure that nobody with Jerry’s surname
was recently posted on the post office wall. (Remember,
this was before America’s Most Wanted.)
Somehow
Jerry manages to pass muster, and Sandy makes her grand
entrance down the stairs. Her hair is molded into perfection,
she holds a dainty little hand purse in her gloved hands,
and she is wearing a poodle skirt so wide it’s a blessed
miracle she doesn’t get stuck in the door jamb.
He
escorts her to his car, where he opens the door and makes
sure her skirt doesn’t get caught in the door as he closes
it. They take in a movie and then venture to a local diner
for a later dinner. Glancing at his watch, Jerry decides
to hustle his best girl home, because he knows Sandy’s father
will have his head on a platter if she walks in the door
a second later than 11:00 p.m. As he walks her to the door,
he bashfully asks her if she will wear his pin. Just as
nervously, she accepts and allows him to fasten his fraternity
pin to her lapel. He kisses her cheek, knowing full well
that her father is standing behind the drapes, watching
to make sure he keeps his hands to himself. He is ecstatic,
though. Once a girl has a pin, she might as well be wearing
an engagement ring. She is his.
This Is Now (2004)
Date: Sweet edible fruit of the date
palm with a single long seed.
Now
we are in the age of fast food, fast friends, and fast internet
connections. No one lives the simple life anymore. We’re
all stuck in overdrive, going from school to work to church
to meetings to FHE to parties to home to collapse in bed
in total exhaustion. No one stops long enough to sit in
the parlor anymore. No one even has a parlor anymore.
Jeni
and Jake have been talking and flirting at FHE, munch and
mingles, and after church for two months. They really like
each other but are scared. What if he/she doesn’t feel
the same way? What if we date and then break up? What if
everyone thinks we’re more than friends? He wants to ask
her out; she wants to ask him out. They’re on the pitcher’s
mound, tossing the ball up in the air, but are too scared
to actually pitch.
From
work on Wednesday, he sends her an email: “Are you busy
this weekend? Maybe we could do something if you don’t have
anything planned.” She would love to go but feels unsure
of what he wants. She writes back, “Sure, sounds fun. Should
I invite more people?” She is thinking, is this a date?
But now he is thinking, she doesn’t want this to
be a date. So he writes back, “If you want. It’s no
big deal. I thought we could just go rollerblading. Invite
whoever you want and let me know.” She asks friends she
knows are busy and they all politely decline, so they go
skating in the park by themselves. Still, neither of them
is quite sure how to behave on the date because neither
of them is sure if it really is a date.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
We
leave it up to you to decide the ending. This is, after
all, your story! We freely admit that life now is much
more convenient and we certainly have no desire to sit in
the parlor for months. The main difference between then
and now is that we knew what was expected and how to behave.
So much has changed. No one is really sure if the guys
should still be asking, if the girls are allowed to ask,
or when a date is really a date.
We
just put too much pressure on ourselves to perform. We
are so used to instant feedback and gratification that it
is absolutely maddening to wait for the other person to
express interest and desire, yet that is what needs to happen.
We need to stop overanalyzing every little movement, pull
in our hands and feet, remain seated at all times, and just
enjoy the ride.
We
have all heard stories of those couples who get engaged
after three weeks and live happily ever after. Juli confesses
that she has one of those stories that put so much pressure
on the rest of you, and she apologizes. She would like
to point out that she has a brother who dated his future
wife for two years before they got married in the Washington
D.C. Temple. Some people take more time to recognize
their feelings and commit. Stop putting so much pressure
on yourselves to know by the third date!
It’s
much wiser to date…and date…and date. Spend time getting
to know each other, but make sure it’s in the proper setting.
Make sure you both know it’s a date! Don’t be afraid
to admit you like someone and ask them out! We know you’re
very busy. Just stop and ask yourself if what you’re doing
that prevents you from having the time to date is really
more important than your eternity.
We
want to hear from you. Do you think it’s easier now to
find that eternal companion, or did they have it a lot easier
back in the past than we do now? Your thoughts and opinions
on this query are greatly encouraged and always welcome
in our inbox. Send your ideas and insight to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Your Thoughts
We are still getting feedback from readers on DFD, or Duty-Free Dating
(available in our archive for your viewing pleasure). The
latest comes from a proudly unrepentant dating piranha who
was a little irritated to have the finger shaken at him.
“Alas, covenant-huggers such as you all too often poison
the munch-n-mingle waters for the NRA (Nefarious Righteous
Anti-marriage-hunters). Your eternal-perspective rhetoric
and glossy publications can make DFD downright difficult.
Just the other day I was charged by a particularly magnificent
animal because I showed a lack of consideration for the
divine institution of eternal bondage. I barely escaped
with my eternal life still well in question, and am still
convalescent as I overcome the dangerous wounds of exposure
to GOFD (good old fashioned dating).”
While we commiserate with this brother,
empathize with him, and feel the pain of breakup, we sincerely
hope that this letter was intended to communicate with irony
his frustration at dating. Otherwise we ask the “magnificent
animal” to charge again. Okay, Juli asks the beast to charge
again. Erin admits she doesn’t know what the guy was talking
about at all.
We heard from quite a few guys again this
week who are tired of us constantly representing what they
feel is only the female perspective. We have no defense
against this claim; we are, after all, female. But this
inspired us to open up the forum to you, our most beloved
male readers. What ironies, problems, or conundrums do
you see in the dating world that we, the girls, are missing?
Your single sentences or five paragraph thesis essays are
welcomed into our inbox. Send all your thoughts to erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com.
Next week we will feature your ideas. So don’t let us
down, boys! The women are waiting to hear what you really
think and want.
Have a great week, and happy dating!
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Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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