Duty-Free Dating

A column to help the hopelessly lost during the most fun years of their lives!

By:  Erin Ann McBride and Juli Hiatt Caldwell, promoters of justice, free will, and smarter, more daring dating

Attention All Fish in the Sea!

The following is a social health announcement from your local Fish and Game department and the lead game wardens.

It has recently come to the attention of the wardens that there is a troublesome trend spreading across the young, careless, and free LDS singles of society.  This intolerable trend must be brought to light and shared with the unprotected and innocent bystanders.  This trend is known as “Duty-Free Dating.”

Duty-Free Dating occurs in safe public places, e.g. parties, dances, ward activities, the church foyer.  These events and happenstance meetings occur in lieu of “good old fashioned dating,” as some may call it.  “Good old fashioned dating,” for those unfamiliar with the concept, is when one person calls a member of the opposite sex directly and communicates that they would like to spend some time alone with them. The first party invites the second party for a set period of time in a ritual called courtship.

Traditionally, this ritual involves a meal, an activity, and enjoyable conversation between the two parties involved, although some variations have been known to exist. However, there is no guarantee that the conversation will be enjoyable; additionally, attention must be paid to only one party and not a dozen at a time, hence the unfortunate demise of this dating tool. Good old- fashioned dating is what people did before singles wards and Institute activities.   

Are You a Victim?

Men, have you ever told a friend, “Yeah, I’ll be seeing her at the activity tomorrow night.  And there will be this other girl I’m trying to get to know there too…”?  Or Ladies, have you ever heard yourself explain to your mother or girlfriend, “Well, we’re not really dating, but we see each other like four times a week, we always know when we’ll see each other next, we email all the time, and we talk every time we’re together.”  And then four weeks later you have the dreaded conversation that sounds like this, “We’re just friends.  We’ve never even gone out on a real date!  I don’t know where you got the idea I was leading you on!”  Women, you are not at fault.  Men, you are not wrong.  This dating confusion is the result of Duty-Free Dating!  We encourage you to stop what you are doing right now, quit your current dating practices, and read the following article.

Duty-Free Dating, or “DFD” as it is sometimes known among researchers who study the phenomenon, is the practice of flirting, consorting, investigating, and fraternizing continuously in a public place with a member of the opposite sex with little to no follow up or commitment. The instigator of this device, or the aggressor, or predator, frequently tends to be male, although exceptions in nature have been found. The female is generally more timid and less aggressive in instances of DFD.  She tends to be a naïve participant and propagator of DFD.  While she may create Duty-Free Dating environments (Sunday night group dinners), she did not invent DFD.

DFD is, by definition, the opportunity, place, and situation where a predator can spend as little or as much time on the object of his attention (please note we did not say ‘affection’) without feeling obligated to stay with the prey throughout the evening, or pay for a meal.  Or as some may describe it, he can cast his bait, hook the prey, and then knowing the prey is caught and unwilling to leave, the predator will leave to swim with the other fish in the sea.  He is under no obligation to stay with his first catch since he did not instigate the meeting of the two parties. 

Typically a committee of some sort (which did not necessarily have the personal interests of the parties in mind) had planned the meeting. These committees are also known as the Institute Council, FHE group leaders, the Ward Activities Committee, and sometimes even Roommates. The two parties merely showed up at the same time and place on their own accord.  The aggressor cannot be held accountable for the presence of the prey at the event, therefore, once the aggressor has spent the amount of time he wishes on his first catch, or feels he has properly hooked her, he is then free to move on to the other fish in the sea. 

Females are the most common victims, since they frequently, unwittingly, create the habitat where DFD flourishes, but we repeat that male victims have been found as well. Generally the male victims have been found in samples taken from D.C. area singles wards and other large metropolitan areas. Regardless of gender, the prey never knows when it is time to “fish or cut bait.”  The prey is limited in its ability to leave anyway, since there is a hook in its side.

Are You Protected?

Duty-Free Dating is running rampant through our singles societies.  Identifying features of DFD include both parties relying on the knowledge that they will see each other at the next social function.  They intend and expect to see each other at these events, and even intend to spend most of the event in each other’s company. This is where the predator walks into the cultural hall, spots the prey, sits with her, and makes his whole day. Others in ward’s dating pool wonder if the two of them are dating.  In this scenario, the prey is targeted and marked by the predator, and the prey is happy to be hunted and caught.  (In other analogies this is also known as marking your territory, or tinkling on the hydrant.) 

In large scale, random sample, and double-blind studies, the predator has been known to tire easily of the first catch of the day. The predator frequently decides to move on to see if there are bigger and better fish in the sea.  Or sometimes he just gets up to check out the refreshment table and never returns, making the prey wonder if their “almost romance” was all in the imagination.  After several weeks or months (and in some reported and rare cases, years), the prey gets tired of feeling vulnerable and exposed, and goes into hiding from the predator, or allows the next predator to mark the territory. 

Eventually the predator notices that his original catch is attempting to get away, and attempts to reclaim what he believes is rightfully his.  This tends to confuse the prey, as the bait on the end of the hook can look tempting at times.  And two bright shiny objects at once has been known to cause a frenzy among some blondes. The second predator tends to keep his lure in the game.   And what began as a friendly game of casual dating turns into a futile attempt by the original predator to keep his prey interested in the game.  Predators tend to forget that the prey isn’t in it for the game.  The prey usually wants to get caught.

Look Out for Those Sharp Teeth!

The evolution of DFD has created a new breed of fish called the Dating Piranha.  Dating Piranha are the predators that scare off the competition, mark their territory, stake their claim, and then waste away the time of the prey until they are too old or too dead to care.  Because Duty-Free Dating takes so long to go anywhere, the prey never notices the slow and deadly game they are playing. 

Dating Piranha are pathetic and vicious animals, never gutsy enough to take a real bite, and instead just nibble away until there is nothing left of the prey or the prey’s self esteem.  The Piranha gets tired of the prey, as it is old and tired now, and not playing the game very well.  After taking the prey’s best years away, the Piranha leaves.  The Piranha never knows it had something good, and the prey never realizes it had a chance to get away. This is the most tragic documented case of DFD, and one that we must all work together to stop.

Start a Petition in Your Neighborhood!

DUTY-FREE DATING MUST BE STOPPED!  It is up to you to put a stop to this terrible trend.  If you ever want to get married or move on to life beyond a singles ward, you must stop DFD now!  No one ever got married as a result of only talking over the punch bowl for six months.  Engagement rings do not materialize from the same conversation during the munch and mingle.  Engagement rings materialize from time spent alone in private locations!  You must stop being so SAFE in your dating and do something DARING.  YOU MUST GO ON A REAL DATE!!  If Friday night with a good book sounds better than getting up the guts to ask a member of the opposite sex out on a date, we humbly suggest you start checking out books on how to ask out a member of the opposite sex.  You will never progress beyond Institute activities (great though they be) if you rely solely on a committee of volunteers to create your next social adventure.  You must grow a spine, take some initiative, and ask someone out on a date!  This goes for members of both sexes.  Don’t be afraid to start this new “old fashioned” trend in your ward.  You only live once and unless you plan to spend the rest of this life single, GO ON A REAL DATE!

DFD allows men to fulfill their innate desire to stake a small claim and still play the field.  Believing there are still more fish in the sea, the true hunter (or fisher as the case may be) will always keep looking for something else.  If they believe the prey they have caught will just stay where it is put, they will just leave it alone.  Women, men, daters of the world unite! Stand up for yourselves! Remove the hook from your side and demand something better!  Don’t just stay there!  If he hasn’t asked you out, don’t invite him over for dinner!  Men, if you want a dinner invitation, live by the Golden Rule (you remember it- “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”)  Ask her out for dinner, and she just may very well invite you over for some home cooked lovin’! 

Duty-Free Dating will continue to grow unchecked if something is not done soon.  You are encouraged to write your local Fish and Game Department and contact the wardens immediately at erinandjuli@meridianmagazine.com. You, and only you, can stave the destructive path of this social beast. Let’s work together to promote the ban of this horrifying act. Otherwise the sea is about to get overstocked.

The preceding account is true.  Any doubting the existence of this act need only to visit the nearest singles ward, Institute activity, or YSA family home evening to discover the truth.  It is believed that most singles ward Bishops will gladly take the stand to preach against the evils of Duty-Free Dating.  Some bishops have even been heard to say, “If Duty-Free Dating continues, they will never get married, and I’ll never get released!”