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Family Matters
By C.S. Bezas
Author's
Note: I am excited this week to share some thoughts that have
been deeply influenced by my husband's work in his counseling
program. Michael is slated to graduate in December 2007 with a
Marriage and Family Therapy degree. As we have served in the church
through the years in various capacities, we've noticed over time
how family dynamics influence the lives of members at church.
It seems that many times the stronger the family unit, the more
individuals are able to focus and absorb the joy the gospel brings.
Whereas this is not always the case, it does seem to be true in
many instances.
Thus, I present
to you an article that both my husband and I have prepared for
you this week. Our desires are to strengthen the families within
the Church in any capacity we are asked to serve. We have chosen
to write from a singular viewpoint to avoid confusion.
Out of curiosity recently, I wanted
to see what the world had to say about family. I googled "Define
Family." What I found little surprised me in its fairly predictable
absence of the word "marriage." Here is a summary of
the typical definitions:
- A social unit living together
- A primary social group; parents
and children
- People descended from a common
ancestor
- A domestic group of people, or
a number of domestic groups linked through descent…
- Families have some degree of kinship
- Two or more persons related by
blood, marriage, or convenience who occupy the same dwelling
Again, I found it no surprise that
the word "marriage" was not mentioned very often in
the definitions that came up. That is the world we live in today
and we can see the resulting evidence of the breakdown of traditional
families in newspaper and TV reports.
In contrast, what is family in the
eyes of God? How does He define the term?
In 1992, the Church originally published
a small handbook entitled, "Family Guidebook." It has
been republished several times since then. In the 2001 preface
of the book we read, "In 1995 the First Presidency and the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued 'The Family: A Proclamation
to the World.' This proclamation is a declaration and reaffirmation
of doctrines and practices that prophets have stated repeatedly
throughout the history of the Church. It contains principles that
are vital to the happiness and well-being of every family."
I remember when "The Family:
A Proclamation to the World" was unveiled. President Hinckley
shared it with the women of the church in a General Relief Society
meeting more than a decade ago. I could sense the impact of that
moment as President Hinckley spoke. I have since come to an even
greater appreciation of the Proclamation document, especially
in light of the world's condition today.
For example, look at the clarity
of definition of family in just the seventh paragraph alone of
the Proclamation:
The family is ordained
of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal
plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bounds of matrimony,
and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows
with complete fidelity … By divine design, fathers are to preside
over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible
to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.
Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their
children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers
are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability,
death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.
Extended families should lend support when needed (emphasis added).
We will come back to this, but first
let us return to the Family Guide Book, page 1:
The Family is the
basic unit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
and is the most important social unit in time and eternity. God
has established families to bring happiness to His children, allow
them to learn correct principles in a loving atmosphere, and prepare
them for eternal life.
The organization of the Church was
established to meet the needs of the family. For example, when
a ward council meets, it is intended to discuss the needs of the
families of the ward. Every organization is in this meeting: Bishopric,
Priesthood, Relief Society, Young Men, Young Women, Primary, and
the Activities Committee are there for that purpose. As the families
are discussed, it is the responsibility of each organization to
bring to bear the resources of their individual groups, in coordination
with the other groups, to meet the needs of the family.
Why the Emphasis on Families?
Again, the Church organization is
for the family, not the other way around. While it is true that
strong families make the Church organization stronger and help
it flourish in the work, our Heavenly Father organized the Church
to support the family. So why families? What is so important about
it that God organized the structure of the Church to support it?
The Family Guide Book, on page 3,
provides insights:
Because our Heavenly Father loves
us, He wants us to become exalted as He is. To help us, He has
given us a plan to follow based on divine laws of truth. Those
who learn about the plan and follow it faithfully can someday
become like our Father in Heaven and enjoy the kind of life
He lives….
To help us prepare
ourselves for life with Him, our Heavenly Father has organized
us into families. Families on earth are similar to the families
we can have in the celestial kingdom.
This teaches us that this life in
our family is like a laboratory for us to learn the beauty and
importance of the different roles of the family and how to maintain
and operate within that framework. If we cannot learn to do it
here, will we really want to do it there in the Celestial Kingdom?
To have eternal life is to live in the presence of God eternally,
as a family, His Family.
A Lifetime for the Task
Living in a family unit is not always
an easy task; it takes a lifetime perhaps to understand this goal
and to get it right. In our society and in the Church, we can
easily see the impact of a poor or non-existent family structure
on the individual. In reverse, we also can see the great power
of a family within the gospel of Jesus Christ and the impact it
can make in the life of family members.
There are so many families that are
greatly improved as they become members of the Church and embrace
the principles of the gospel. There are so many existing church
families that can be improved as each family member strives to
live the gospel.
And which family members have been
assigned to lead out in this? The parents. The Lord teaches the
role of parents for the family unit in D&C 68:25-28:
And again, inasmuch
as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which
are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine
of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and
of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of
the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of
the parents.
For this shall be a law unto the
inhabitants of Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized.
And their children
shall be baptized for the remission of their sins when eight years
old, and receive the laying on of the hands.
And they shall also teach their
children to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord.
Families are Not Perfect, But
That's OK.
Families are not perfect. No laboratory
is. So we should not be surprised when each and every individual
makes mistakes. When I was a child, if any of the children in
the family would bicker or get into a fight, my mother would have
us stand facing each other. We were to hold hands, look each other
in the eye, and sing as many verses of the hymn "Love at
Home" as it took to break the contention. I tell you from
personal experience it is tough to stay mad while singing that
song and looking into the eyes of a loved one.
I have made and continue to make
many mistakes as a parent and a spouse. But when I do, I do seek
forgiveness of my family members. They know I am an imperfect
person that was placed to serve each family member in righteousness.
In spite of my imperfections and mistakes, somehow they continue
to support me and to love me. I continue to seek knowledge from
my mistakes and strive to feel the spirit in what I do as a spouse
and parent.
A Handy Checklist.
Let's return to the seventh paragraph
of the Family Proclamation, where it says,
Happiness in family
life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings
of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are
established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer,
repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and
wholesome recreational activities (emphasis added).
This is a very simple recipe for
a successful family. These are hallmark signs of a great family.
They were given to us by the author of the greatest family, our
Heavenly Father.
If you think back on times in your
own family when things were not quite right and if you look at
that checklist of principles, chances are you will find that one
or more of these areas was lacking.
If you are not currently married,
someday you may have the opportunity to marry someone. I hope
you will choose to do so in the temple. When you do, I would admonish
you to keep this checklist of principles close at hand. When you
feel things don't seem quite right, review the checklist and find
out what you can change. Start with yourself; be as Christlike
as you can. Love as much as you can.
Read the principles again and note
how many of them start with the self:
- Faith
- Prayer
- Repentance
- Forgiveness
- Respect
- Love
- Compassion
- Work
- Wholesome recreational activities
Is this not a terrific way to build
a solid family foundation of joy?
The Greater the Service, the Greater
the Spirit
Imagine the following scenario.
A father comes home from work, tired and frustrated from the day's
activities. The home is in disarray. He begins to express frustration,
raising his voice, causing the spirit to leave the home. On another
occasion, he comes home tired and frustrated, and again the home
is in disarray. But this time, he quietly rallies the family to
pitch in with him to clean the house. The spirit is much stronger
the second time, and interestingly enough, the home cleaned more
quickly.
Can parents learn to change their
ways? Of course. Are the rewards great for those who do? Of course.
The church family is structured
the same way. It is not intended for the aggrandizement of anyone,
but instead every position in the Church is structured for service
toward one another. The greater the service, the greater the amount
of Spirit and Love we feel toward one another. This is the essence
of the family. It is learning to love, to respect, and to serve
one another.
All families have strengths; all
families have liabilities. We bring positives to each marriage
and we bring weaknesses. We can learn from our liabilities that
we have brought — in fact, we can strive to change those liabilities
(otherwise known as weaknesses) into strengths. An impossible
thing? Not at all when we remember the promises of the Lord spoken
with assurance in Ether 12:27.
Few people go into marriage with
a Ph.D. in Family Sciences and so we all must learn. The Church
has many resources to help us grow and overcome our deficits.
The scriptures and the Family Guide book are just two examples.
It is vital that we learn God's correct
model of family, in spite of the world claiming such a different
viewpoint. We must all seek for the knowledge and wisdom the Lord
has sent us here to obtain, helping one another along the way.
It is vital, too, that we stress from early childhood that our
youth should marry in the temple, creating a temple environment
in the home where the family will be able to feel the spirit,
love one another, and learn from one another.
If we follow the suggestions for
family happiness given us through the scriptures, the Family Guidebook,
and the Proclamation on the Family, in addition to the many other
church aids we are offered, our youth will grow up to be strong
in the Church — and strong individuals, too. For this is where
the joy resides that the Lord has promised us. The home and family
really are the best places to learn, to grow, and to love, if
built in the Lord's own way.
Follow
this link to review the entire "Family Guidebook
C.S. Bezas' new book, Powerful
Tips for Powerful Teachers: Helping Youth Find Their Spiritual
Wings, has been called the perfect book for those who teach
youth. It is available at LDS bookstores and by clicking here.
© 2007 Meridian
Magazine. All Rights Reserved
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