To rescue a wayward spouse or a wayward friend requires implementing the same principles as rescuing wayward children. One husband's story and questions are common. He asked that we begin a dialogue.

Dear Brother Barkdull,

I have recently become aware of your writings in regards to wayward children. Your messages are full of comfort and hope for parents.  So far my children are active.  My concern is my wife.  After having some doubts about deep doctrinal issues and then learning things in church history that she did not know, she has completely turned from the Church.  She no longer attends, has removed her temple garments, no longer pays tithing, drinks coffee (maybe more), and wants nothing to do with the Church.  

Obviously this has been a severe blow to me and to the kids.  I know there are many promises made by prophets about wayward children, but what about us who are concerned our spouse will not be our eternal companion?  Is there any hope for us and them?  What can I do to survive this trial and maybe even help bring her back?  Honestly, it is hard to picture her ever gaining a testimony (again).

I think there are many people like me. Would you please write about this issue?

Husband of a Wayward Spouse

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Dear Husband of a Wayward Spouse:

In my opinion, the only pain that could approach that of a wayward child is the pain associated with a wayward spouse. There are so many emotions and expectations in marriage. We live in a day when the marriage and the family are under attack. We are often blindsided by the world. The only way that I know to repair or hold things together spiritually is to apply the remedy of personal sanctification.  Every effort that we make to sanctify ourselves has a redeeming effect on the person for whom we are praying.  That is not to say that the wayward person does not have agency. Your effort should not be to interrupt your wife's agency; rather it should be to ask God to place opportunities in her path to urge her to use her agency to choose otherwise. 

Over the course of a marriage, spouses take turns carrying the weight of the relationship. Health problems, financial concerns, and other things will intrude on the relationship and cause one of the parties to weaken for a season. You might want to think of your wife's situation as having the flu. You certainly wouldn't insist that she attend church or carry her weight in the family during her sickness. You would tenderly care for her until she was well. It seems as though your wife has the spiritual flu. Only unconditional love and patience will help her to heal. Your loving example will help her, too.

For now, why not set aside the church issues and focus on strengthening the relationship? Court her, give her compliments, love her, validate her feelings without agreeing with erroneous ideas. Give her a safe place to be sick. Be a caring confidant; if the atmosphere is safe, she might begin to share her concerns with you. Be careful how you answer; explain your beliefs only when invited and without debate. Try to pick your battles. Your marriage is more important than her drinking coffee. If and when she reconsiders someday, it will be because you loved her and waited for her. I hope your marriage doesn't end, but if it does someday, let the decision be hers. The lie that she is living will likely drive her to the point of decision; either she will need to give it up or act on it. 

Here's the last thing. I doubt that her issue is the Church. People don't casually discard their beliefs and covenants unless they are dealing with something deep-seated. Your wife seems to be trying excessively hard to go opposite the gospel, and she is using anti-Mormon literature as her rationale. I would guess that she has been struggling with other non-Church issues for some time. These issues have probably lain under the surface and gnawed at her testimony until she finally read something that tipped her over. If you can discover that other issue(s) and try to deal with it, the Church issues will probably take care of themselves. Don't debate Church history issues with you wife or spend your effort trying to research answers. Remember, that is not the issue. It is almost certainly something else.

I don't think you can get through this alone. I highly recommend that you, personally, talk to a marriage and family therapist. LDS Family Services is excellent. The best thing that could happen would be that your wife went with you. She needs to talk to a counselor to get to the root causes of her feelings and behavior. Don't force this upon her; rather, set the example by going yourself. By all means, talk to your bishop. Beyond being a good man, he has special priesthood keys for this very situation. Your solution needs to be directed by the priesthood.

You sound like a faithful, determined man who loves his wife. You have the priesthood, which is the power to save people's lives. The more you learn about your priesthood, the more power you will infuse into your life. Of all the sanctifying things that you can do to increase priesthood power, the greatest of all is temple worship. Impressions will come in that holy setting. I pray that things work out for you.

Blessings,

Larry

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Dear Larry,

Thank you so much for your quick and thoughtful response.   If I may I have a few follow up questions and comments.  

In reading your other articles you speak of parents being Saviors in Zion and having been selected in the pre-existence to host such children.  Do you believe that some spouses may have taken on a similar role for a spouse who needed us?  I ask because when I first met my future wife, we were working together, and she watched me to see if I would live my religion. She asked me questions about the Church and we started dating.  I baptized her and we waited a year to be married in the temple. Her parents did not practice any specific religion, and my wife lived a life of freedom and broke many commandments in her youth. Baptism was truly a life change. 

She had a spiritual experience letting her know that she should marry me. I have always felt that I was to help introduce the gospel to my wife and her family. Now that seems to be in question.  The scripture says: "how great shall be your joy if ye shall bring but one soul unto me." That used to feel so true, but now that one soul has turned completely away from the gospel, and how great is my sadness. I don't want to lose my wife now or in the eternities.  So, as I read your articles I wanted to ask: Is there hope for spouses who make covenants and then go astray?

Husband of a Wayward Spouse

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Dear Husband of a Wayward Spouse:

I have always found it intriguing that marriage is called a saving ordinance. Truly, God saves us by means of our spouse. Likewise, we save each other. The Melchizedek Priesthood is given to us specifically to save our families and bring them into the presence of God. The word Melchizedek means “King of Righteousness.” When we receive that priesthood, we become kings of righteousness, called to do the works of Melchizedek.

Adam used this priesthood--specifically the Patriarchal Order of the Priesthood --to bring his family into the presence of the Lord at Adam-ondi-Ahman. If you will study the accounts of Adam, Melchizedek, Enoch and Moses, you will see a pattern emerge. A man and a woman enter into the Patriarchal Order of the Priesthood when they are sealed. This Priesthood order has the power to save that couple, when exercised in righteousness. Spend time in the temple contemplating all the covenants and ordinances from beginning to end.

The Melchizedek priesthood is inherent with "keys," and they contain the power of godliness ( see D&C 84:19-22). Whereas you receive priesthood authority at the time of ordination, you receive priesthood power through righteousness--and true righteousness can only be attained through the priesthood ordinances. Understanding these "keys," and learning how to use them are how these great patriarchs and prophets brought their families and people to the Lord. Pay particular attention to the account of Melchizedek in JST Genesis. He was working with very wicked people, whom he eventually reclaimed and brought to God. Read the accounts of the sons of Mosiah, Alma, and later Nephi and Lehi, the sons of Helaman. Clearly, righteous Melchizedek Priesthood holders can become instruments in the Lord's hands to convert thousands of people.

The priesthood you hold is identical to theirs. Therefore, what they did, you can do. Otherwise Mormon would not have included their stories in the Book of Mormon. These stories are our patterns. If you apply the same principles, you can reach out to the living and the dead and become a savior to them by means of your priesthood. Let me give you some quotes to prove that the prophets' promises concerning waywardness applies to anyone you are praying for.

"I have a declaration to make as to the provisions which God hath made to suit the conditions of man--made from before the foundation of the world. What has Jesus said? All sin, and all blasphemies, and every transgression, except one, that man can be guilty of, may be forgiven; and there is a salvation for all men, either in this world or the world to come, who have not committed the unpardonable sin, there being a provision either in this world or the world of spirits.  Hence God hath made a provision that every spirit in the eternal world can be ferreted out and saved unless he has committed that unpardonable sin which cannot be remitted to him either in this world or the world of spirits.  God has wrought out a salvation for all men, unless they have committed a certain sin; and  every man who has a friend in the eternal world can save him,  unless he has committed the unpardonable sin. And so you can see how far you can be a savior… Hence the salvation of Jesus Christ was wrought out for all men, in order to triumph over the devil;  for if it did not catch him in one place, it would in another ; for he stood up as a Savior." ^[1] --Joseph Smith

"There is never a time when the spirit is too old to approach God. All are within the reach of pardoning mercy."^[2] -- Joseph Smith

"Our Heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in his mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive." ^[3] -- Joseph Smith

"When the gospel is preached to the spirits in prison, the success attending that preaching will be far greater than that attending the preaching of our elders in this life. I believe there will be very few indeed of those spirits who will not gladly receive the gospel when it is carried to them. The circumstances there will be a thousand times more favorable."-- Lorenzo Snow

Don't give up. Only complete light and truth can elicit complete judgment. Your wife is not there yet. From your description, it is as I suspected: she is dealing with unresolved sin in her past. There is the problem with repenting only part way--if we do not achieve a change of heart, the unresolved sin will act like a cancer until it overwhelms us. Pray that she can have experiences to come to grips with these unresolved issues then do what it takes to finally be rid of them. Of course, she will have to make this discovery on her own, and perhaps she will need a counselor and most certainly a bishop someday.

Until then, love is your only answer. "Love casteth out all fear," John says. Make life safe for her while she is working this out. I promise that the Lord is working on her. He has marshaled angelic hosts to help. That is how he works most of the time. Pray for the ministering of angels. Because of your priesthood, you have the right. In the Oath and Covenant of the Priesthood we claim to believe in the ministry of angels. Believe! President Faust spoke a lot about this, and Elder Holland spoke of it in October 2008 conference. Look up their talks on LDS.org. Your answer is in your priesthood.

Larry

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[1]  G. Homer Durham, ed.,  The Discourses of Wilford Woodruff,  p. 152

[2]  Lorenzo Snow,  The Teachings of Lorenzo Snow,  p. 195

[3]  Joseph F. Smith,  Gospel Doctrine: Selections from the Sermons and Writings of Joseph F. Smith , p. 442, emphasis added