Tom M.:
Instead of pushing or making strong suggestions or interrogating,
say things like, “What are your two or three best options
or alternatives right now?”
2. What
if they want to move back into the house?
Mandy E.:
Absolutely not. Worst thing you can do is to let them
move back in. It’s like a defeat for them – like a retreat
from the real world. You can’t go back into the womb once
you’re born!
Jim R.:
I think it depends on your house. If you’ve got the space,
okay – especially if you’ve got kind of a separate space
where they can be a bit independent. But they should pay
rent or cover their share of the expenses.
Carolyn M.:
Well, it may make sense – economic sense – if your house
is bigger than what you need. You know, most societies
have at least three generations living under one roof. I’ve
been kind of encouraging a couple of my kids to come back.
And I’ve got one who’s never left.
Saren: Some
people move in with their parents and everything works
out well, but
it doesn’t work for a lot of people. In most cases, parents
have a hard time taking on a different role from the one
they played when their children were in high school. It
can cause havoc in the lives of both parents and kids if
parents try to monitor everything going on in their kids’ lives,
probe their dating lives, set curfews, and do other things
that might have been appropriate when their kids were in
high school but that won’t work now that their kids are
adults. For every “success story” of a kid moving back
in with his or her parents, there are probably twenty stories
of messed-up relationships, hurt feelings, and family disruption
that come from kids moving back in.
3. Should
I encourage my kids to find a job near me?
Lonnie P.:
Oh, for sure! I mean, they’re your best friends as well
as your kids. Who would you rather go to a movie with
or have over for Sunday dinner? And hey, those grandkids
are coming, and you’ve got to have them close!
Bill N.:
You know, I don’t think so. As much as I love my kids,
I’m glad they live a plane flight away. When I visit them
or they visit me, it’s so special, and we really talk and
focus on each other. I think if they lived right here,
we’d take each other for granted, and maybe even take advantage
of each other.
Shawni: My
parents are almost funny about this because they encouraged
us to go to college,
find jobs, and live a good portion of our lives away from
them. This could be taken in the wrong way – I don’t think
they really want to get rid of us – they just want us to
experience the world. They’ve seen so much of it out there
and have gained so much insight from their travels and
experiences that they only want what they think is the
best for us. I cannot thank them enough for their “big
picture” perspective, because I have learned and gained
so much from living away from home and having my own independent
experiences. Sure, I have been homesick too, but I think
even the homesickness has made me a stronger person. The
thing that makes living away so great (and I’m sure the
main reason my parents can feel so at ease about sending
us far away) is that they love to travel, and they come
visit us as much as possible. They love opening their
eyes to new things and have helped us love it as well.
Saren: Now
that I have a child, I have to admit it; it would be
so nice to live
close to my family. Plane trips get harder and more expensive
as our family grows, and I yearn to share my kids’ lives
more fully with my family. I guess every family needs
to work out what’s best for them. But it’s important for
kids to feel that wherever they live, their independence
will be respected and their parents will visit!
R&L: Still, there are
many variables here. Go easy on this one, parents. It
has to be your kids’ decision where they live. If you
really want them nearer to you, be the kind of parents
they want to live closer to! And realize that you can
have great relationships with your kids regardless of where
they live. We really enjoy the weekly e-mails and phone
calls we have with our kids as well as the visits we make
as often as possible. I don’t think we’d be closer to
our kids if they lived closer. We might have a different
sort of relationship, but I don’t think it would necessarily
be a closer one.
4. How
much advice should I offer about how my kids spend their
money?
Kenneth W.:
Zero – only if they ask. If you start meddling here, you’re
on thin ice. It’s their money now, and they’ve got to
learn by experience.
Dick D.:
Well, the big thing is to help them understand credit. Kids
just don’t get it about the dangers of credit cards and
high consumer debt interest. Show them how to budget and
live within their means or they’re headed for trouble.
Saren: I
wish my parents had talked to me more about financial
planning. Growing
up, I heard snippets of information that I pieced together
to figure out some of what goes on with my parents financially. My
dad did a great job teaching us about saving money, always
encouraging us to save 20 percent of any money we ever
made. I wish he’d helped us understand a little more about
where to save this money. For the first five years of
my career, I just put money in a savings account. I was
very frugal and saved a lot, but the money didn’t really
grow. I remember hearing the terms IRA and 401K thrown
around, but retirement sounded so far off, and I didn’t
really understand the benefits of such things. After getting
married, my husband taught me a lot about investing (his
father helped him follow investments all his life), and
I realize there are so many simple things I could have
done with my money all those years to make it grow so much
more! I just wish someone had sat down with me and offered
me a few scenarios for how I might want to be saving my
money and what sorts of returns I could expect from different
scenarios.
If you haven’t taught your
kids good, solid saving and budgeting habits by the time
they leave home, it’s a little hard to start now! Once
your kids are out there on their own, making their own
money, it’s really their decision how they spend their
money. You can certainly offer advice, but understand
that they may not take it well. No one likes to be told
how to spend their own money. If you do have concerns
or just want to offer general advice, I think it’s best
to ask questions in a nice, interested way. Ask them how
they’ve decided to handle their savings. Ask what bank
they’re using. Inquire how their budget is working out. These
are all nonconfrontational questions if they’re asked in
the right way and in the right setting.
Let them
know that you’re
there to help if they want any advice and that they’re
welcome to talk to your accountant or friends who might
offer alternative points of view or other financial advice. It’s
always great to suggest that they get other points of view
from yours – there are many good methods of doing things
out there, and the more information they get, the better
they’ll feel about their decisions.
5. What
if my child’s church activity
is slipping?
Katherine P.:
I’d think inactivity would be a symptom more than the problem
itself. The challenge would be to communicate enough to
know if it’s a testimony problem or if someone in their
ward offended them or whatever. But a parent would just
have to find out, because what we’re talking about here
is where your own child’s heart is!
Peter J.:
If your child is in a singles ward – well, I guess it really
doesn’t matter what kind of ward it is – call the bishop
there. He’s probably the one that can give you some insight,
and maybe you can give him some, too. Especially if your
child is living a long way from home, that bishop is your
best link.
Katherine P.:
I’m not so sure about that; it seems like you’re checking
up on your child rather than communicating. Wouldn’t you
want to approach something like this face to face, one
on one, with your child?
Dick D.:
Pray a lot. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can do,
and it’s the best thing you can do!
Saren: It’s important that
your kids know that you’ll always love them, no matter
what. If they go through a period where they doubt their
faith, they need your nonjudgmental love and support more
than ever. They need you to really listen to them and
to express the fact that you respect them and their decisions. It
may help to tell them that you’re glad they’re really thinking
about their faith, encourage them to pray, and tell them
you’re praying for them. The power of prayer is real. Never
give up on them. Always ask about their faith and tell
them how much the Church means to you. But don’t drive
them away by nagging them or sending them on guilt trips. They
are adults. They need to make their own decisions, and
your respect for their decisions will help them have more
respect for your advice and ideas.
R&L: This question looms
so large for those who face it that it makes all the other
questions seem almost trivial. Most of us trust that if
testimony and church activity is intact, other problems
will be worked out, but if spiritual commitment declines,
everything else is in danger.
The easy
answer here would be, “I’ve taught them all I could and now they have their
agency.” This might be true, but it is certainly not an
acceptable answer. The real answers are never easy, but
here are some things to consider:
A. Try to determine the
root cause of the inactivity. Three of the most common
(and each requiring a completely different approach) are:
(1) A genuine lack of testimony – serious and sincere
doctrinal doubts.
(2) Confusion about the gospel and the culture – doubts
or concerns about how something is done and a failure to
separate various Church cultural norms from church doctrine.
(3) Some personal offense – someone, often a bishop
or ward leader, has offended them.
B. Other than prayer, the
most effective thing you can do about any of these is provide
deep and trusting communication. Arrange for a long drive
where you are alone together in a car for several hours
(or some other situation really conducive to talking) and
ask questions long enough to understand which of the three
you are dealing with. If you determine that it is (1),
the two best things you can do are pray together and bear
your testimony. In the more likely scenario of (2) or
(3), try the following:
(2) (doctrinal/cultural confusion): Try to explain
the difference. Predominant Church culture might involve
anything from the way people dress to the kind of professions
they value or the things to which they afford status. Help
your child see that God doesn’t attach much value to these
things and doesn’t control the members of his church regarding
them. Explain that the gospel itself and the actual restored
truths of the plan of salvation are what matter. Try to
think of examples when you have faced similar problems
in disliking or not feeling right about something in the
culture but retained your doctrinal testimony of the gospel.
(3) (Your child has been offended): If you discover
this to be the cause, rejoice a little, because it is both
the most common and the most easily corrected problem. Tell
your child that and help him or her understand the basic
fact that the Church is perfect but its members are not
(and some more obviously than others!).
C. Don’t expect overnight
results and don’t ever give up! Patterns of activity can
take time to develop (in both directions). Hang in there,
and keep communicating and praying. Show faith both
in God and in your child.
Review:
Manager: “A person in charge – with responsibility, with authority;
one who decides and directs.”
Consultant: “A person who helps another person with his or her
goals; one who advises and assists.”
What a difference!
With small children, parents are the managers. With
our growing children depending on us and in our care,
the day-to-day
responsibility for just about everything in their lives
is ours.
With grown working children
all this changes, not only in degree but in kind. A
whole different type of relationship needs to evolve – one
where we try to respond to their initiative, to
help them with their goals, to back off and give
them space to make their own decisions but always be willing
and ready to help.
This is not
an easy shift! Our
instincts are still to protect and to shelter – to manage. This
inclination can undermine our grown children’s independence,
motivation, and confidence.
Consultant-style suggestions
and support, on the other hand, complement and enhance
their new independence and leave them with the positive
incentives that come to anyone who feels entrusted.
But you can’t just suddenly
announce one day that you are now the consultant rather
than the manager. You have to consciously and carefully
work into the role. The most effective route is to ask
questions. That is the prime skill of all good consultants. Ask
(with positive interest and with no judgment) every question
you can think of. Get inside their head and their heart
and understand where they’re coming from. And learn to
wait for the magic moments when they ask you for
advice!
Ask. As mentioned earlier, it’s such a critical word
and concept in our relationship with God, and it can also
be so important in our relationships with our children.
Some have
said that one of the great gifts of the Prophet Joseph
was his ability
to ask the right questions. Virtually every facet of the
Restoration (and nearly every section of the Doctrine & Covenants)
was triggered by apt and sincere questions. And the whole
process of restoration was started by Joseph’s response
to James’ admonition to ask.
In an ideal
world (and an ideal parent-child relationships), there
would be consistent
and considerable asking in both directions. Parents would
ask with honest and loving interest about every facet of
their grown children’s lives. Children would reciprocate
and add questions inviting advice and guidance.
And the higher
degree of asking – that of asking God and praying for each other – would
solidify eternal relationships. Alma the Elder’s prayer
for his son was answered when all other efforts seemed
to have failed. And when children also pray for their
parents, the triangle is complete, and God is at the family
apex.
Join us again
next fortnight for column 7 where we will deal with questions
relating
to your son’s or daughter’s wedding!
* * *
1. What
has been your hardest adjustment as your child (children)
grew up and left home?
2. What's
the best idea you've had for communicating effectively
with a child who has left home?
3. What
questions or concerns would you like to see addressed by
other empty nest parents?
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