Staying Spotless
in a Sea of Slime, Part 8: Words of Encouragement
by Clark L.
and Kathryn H. Kidd
When we started
writing about Internet pornography, we thought we had enough material
for two or maybe three columns. But based on the tremendous number
of responses received, we have expanded this series to provide more
detailed information and more advice for avoiding or overcoming
this serious and pervasive problem. Even though it is difficult
to provide a large quantity of information through a monthly column,
we hope we have been able to at least make you aware of the dangers
and help you understand what protections are available.
One point we
have regularly tried to stress is that this protection is an ongoing
process that will require your continued and detailed involvement.
Do not labor under the illusion that you can just set some rules
and install some software and then wash your hands of the problem.
Rules can be broken or bent, and software protections can be disabled
or circumvented. Just as daily prayer and scripture study are required
to maintain spiritual strength, daily mentoring and monitoring are
required to make sure the evils of the world do not enter you home
through the front door or the phone line. There is no software product
or rule that can take the place of an involved parent or spouse.
We Get
Letters
Our previous columns in this series have generated a tremendous
amount of reader comments - both positive and negative. Some readers
thought we were exaggerating the seriousness of the problem, and
pointed out quite forcefully that they had never had much of a problem
with unsolicited offers for online pornography. Other readers thought
our warnings should have been even stronger. These readers recounted
heartbreaking tales of lost jobs, destroyed marriages, scattered
families, and broken covenants.
We also heard
from a number of local Church leaders, who confirmed that online
pornography is a growing problem, at least for their members. These
leaders spend a large percentage of their counseling sessions dealing
with members who are struggling with this problem - both men and
women. This was a surprise to us, because we had previously thought
that women had a built-in immunity to pornography addiction. But
leaders of many units, particularly units such as college wards
and single adult wards that have younger members, report that women
can become embroiled in pornography as easily as can men.
One reader
took exception with our classification of pornography as an addition.
She wrote that by calling pornography an addiction, we were diminishing
the seriousness of the offense. This was certainly not our intention.
We have continually tried to emphasize the seriousness of this evil,
as well as its potential for human suffering. But most of us have
had experience with those who are struggling to live the Word of
Wisdom, and can appreciate the influence some substances can exert
against our bodies. Pornography exerts a similar influence. Church
members who are hooked on pornography aren't evil - or at least
they don't start out that way. For the most part they are good people
who stumble upon pornography through curiosity or even by accident
and then find themselves in the position of trying to break an evil
but addictive habit.
This point
was driven home by a number of readers who responded to our columns.
These readers were active in their wards and stakes. They held important
callings, attended the temple regularly, and did all the things
that one would expect of a good Latter-day Saint. But they had a
dark secret in that they were also involved with online pornography.
As you might expect, this involvement causes tremendous guilt, and
leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and hypocrisy. Most who
wrote to us have been struggling with the problem for years, and
would slip back into it unexpectedly after being "good" for several
months.
Escaping
the Grasp
It is to this group of tortured readers that we would like to devote
the remainder of this column. Although only you can escape from
the tentacles of pornography, perhaps we can give you some final
advice to encourage you and help you achieve your goal. Please consider
each of these ideas in terms of how they might help you break the
cycle of pornography in your life:
· Get Help
from Church Leaders.
For a person who just cannot break from the grasp of pornography,
perhaps the only effective solution is to seek some type of counseling
from Church leaders. Your bishop or stake president will be familiar
with such problems, and can recommend activities and ideas that
will help you resist further problems while helping you repent of
the previous transgressions. Bishops and stake leaders may be able
to refer you to other experts who have experience in treating such
problems. Usually the biggest obstacle to such counseling is getting
the courage to make the first appointment. Although none of us wants
to admit such activities to our leaders, it may be a necessary step
in breaking the web of sin in which you find yourself trapped.
· Recognize
Spiritual Damage.
We have all heard stories of those who become so obsessed with
pornography that they lose everything they hold dear. But most pornography
addicts are skillful in compartmentalizing their lives, hiding their
dark secrets from friends and family. This ability is a mixed blessing,
because it allows these people to lead a double life for long periods,
acting as though everything is normal even as they experience a
gradual but consistent loss of spirituality. Recent world events
have brought to our attention the absolute need to keep in constant
and close contact with the Spirit of the Lord. The loss of that
Spirit is probably one of the most unnoticed and yet tragic consequences
of those who are leading a double life. Although those who occasionally
dabble in pornography may have the strength to resist the carnal
sins that follow in the wake of pornography addiction, they must
realize that the spiritual damage they bring upon themselves may
cause even more harm from an eternal perspective.
· Confide
in Someone.
In addition to your Church leaders, there are others in whom
you may wish to confide. Any problem is easier to overcome if you
have friends or family members who love you and who are willing
to work with you to resolve it. When you're choosing someone to
talk to, you should find someone who will be sympathetic and will
keep your confidences. Possibilities might include a spouse or family
member, a co-worker, a good friend or a Church associate. Perhaps
you have a friend with leadership responsibilities who does not
have stewardship over you, such as someone who is a leader in another
ward or stake. It is probably not necessary to reveal all the details
in order for this person to help you. For example, you might want
to tell a home or visiting teacher that you are struggling to overcome
a personal problem, and you would like him to ask you about your
personal progress when he visits each month. This will allow you
to make a regular accounting of your behavior, without having to
reveal all the embarrassing details. Another option would be to
take advantage of online resources, such as discussion forums that
specialize in LDS or Christian content. Those who post to such forums
can usually keep some degree of anonymity, while getting encouragement
and advice from others in the forum. Refer to our previous column
for a listing of some of the more popular LDS forums.
· Recognize
patterns.
If you analyze the times you succumb to online pornography,
you will probably find some patterns. Perhaps it is when you were
extremely tired, anxious, bored or discouraged. Perhaps you turn
to pornography over the holidays, or during the weekend when you
are the only one at home. Perhaps it is late at night after other
family members are asleep. Once you have recognized the patterns,
you need to change your behavior to avoid those circumstances when
you are susceptible to temptation. Place a curfew on your computer
usage, or resolve to never use the computer when you are home alone.
Change your daily schedule, or become involved with new hobbies
or interests that will occupy your time when you are at home during
these dangerous periods. But don't count on your own resolve to
get you through. You may have to ask for the help of others, who
can assist by making sure you are not alone at vulnerable times.
· Organize
your computer activity.
Before you sit down at the computer, make a list of the items
you wish to accomplish while using it. Your list might include items
such as: Write a letter to Aunt Jane, balance the checkbook, do
family history research, check my email, turn off the computer.
Just as having a grocery list will save you money at the store,
having a list of things to do at the computer will minimize the
idle time that draws you into bad situations.
· Change
the environment.
The placement of your family computer can make a big difference
on your susceptibility to pornography, as we mentioned in previous
columns. Put it in the family room, or in a room where a lot of
people will be present. But don't stop there. Do other things to
generate a more spiritual feeling around the area. Place pictures
nearby that you will see while you are using the computer. Good
examples would be family pictures, temple pictures, and pictures
of the Savior and Church leaders. In terms of software, you can
also buy products that produce screen savers or background wallpaper
with religious themes.
· Reach Out
to Others.
Perhaps you don't have a problem with pornography, but you suspect
that another friend or family member does. Perhaps you sense that
this person would like your help, but is just too embarrassed to
ask. If this is the case, make sure you reach out to that person
and let him know you are available to help him get his life in order.
You don't need to come right out and ask if he has a problem, but
you can lead conversations in that direction, giving your friend
plenty of opportunities to bring up the subject. If he responds
to your invitation, make sure you offer comfort and reassurance,
avoiding any temptation to rebuke or call him to repentance. You
can only help your friend if you approach him as a partner who offers
love and support, rather than a judge who is ready to condemn.
Once again,
we would like to thank all those who took the time to respond to
the columns in this series. We hope the information provided was
useful, and we pray for all of you who are struggling to overcome
personal problems in this area.
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