Staying Spotless
in a Sea of Slime - Part 4
by Clark L and Kathryn H. Kidd
Just as you
do in other areas, it is important that you trust family members
to follow your computer rules until they have proven they cannot.
Let them know what the rules are, remind them of the rules when
appropriate, and then expect them to follow the guidelines. As we
mentioned in our last column, we strongly encourage you to draw
up a contact of behavior that family members are expected to abide
by - and then have each family member sign that contract as an agreement
to live by the rules.
Once the contract
is signed, give family members the benefit of the doubt, but keep
your eyes open at the same time. Human beings - even your family
members - are subject to temptation. Your family members may run
into Internet pornography by accident, or they may be introduced
to it by somebody else. Children may also be seduced by online pedophiles.
In any case, the door is hard to shut once it has been opened. Parents
should be ever vigilant to make sure that pornography hasn't gotten
its hooks into any members of the family, or that a child isn't
being stalked by an online predator.
There are certain
behaviors that indicate a child is not following the rules, or that
he has attracted the attention of a sex offender. Many of these
rules are applicable to adults, too. Although none of these symptoms
by themselves prove that illicit activities are taking place, be
suspicious if you start seeing a number of these warning signs:
• The child
starts to spend an excessive amount of time online. Although some
of this is normal as children learn about the wonders of the Internet,
a sudden excessive desire to be online should arouse suspicions.
• The child
is online at unusual times of the day, especially late at night
or when other family members are not at home. Most sex offenders
are online during the evening, so you should take extra care to
control evening access. Needless to say, pornographic web sites
are available at any time.
• The child
spends most of his time in chat rooms. This is where sex offenders
usually contact their victims. It could be that your child just
doesn't realize how many other resources may be enjoyed online.
If so, you need to teach him.
• The child
looks guilty or acts startled when you enter the room containing
the computer. He might turn off the monitor or cause it to switch
to another screen so that you can't see what he has been viewing.
When he uses the printer, he removes the printed material immediately
and puts it away so that you can't see the printed side of the paper.
• The child
gives evasive answers when you ask questions about his online activities.
• You find
pornography stored on the computer. Child pornography is often used
by sex offenders to get children curious about such activities.
• The child
starts to save files on floppy disks, which he then removes and
takes with him. Although there are legitimate reasons for using
floppy disks, the use of removable disks may also indicate that
improper files are being sent and saved.
• The child
starts to receive phone calls from strangers, particularly long-distance
phone calls.
• The child
starts making unusual long-distance calls. Sometimes these can be
uncovered by looking at your long-distance bill, but this isn't
always the case. Some sex offenders tell children to call them collect,
or even establish toll-free lines.
• The child
receives unusual mail or packages that are unmarked or that are
from people you don't know. Sex offenders often send pictures, gifts,
or even plane tickets through the regular mail. Or family members
could be ordering pornographic materials through Internet sites.
• The child
suddenly becomes withdrawn from the rest of the family. He may be
hostile to family members or uninterested in family activities.
Indulging in illicit activities causes guilt that may cause family
members to withdraw in shame. In addition, some sex offenders try
to disrupt family harmony to build a closer relation with the child.
• You suspect
the child might be accessing the Internet through someone else's
account. Sex offenders will often supply an alternate user name
and password that bypasses the controls you may have in place on
the child's regular account. Your child might also be using such
an account away from home, such as at school or the public library.
• You start
seeing unfamiliar charges on a family credit card. Internet pornography
isn't free. It has to be paid for somehow. Children may copy and
use a credit card number, counting on the fact that many credit
card users don't inspect their monthly statements.
Parents who
have a good relationship with their children will often have a spiritual
sense that tells them when the child is having problems. These feelings
should not be discounted, especially when some of the warning signs
listed above are present.
Don't make
the mistake of thinking that pornography only traps men, or adults,
or people who aren't active members of the Church. Anyone can become
hooked on pornography - from innocent children to temple recommend
holders. Your family is not exempt from a potential pornography
addiction, no matter how much you may want to believe that this
is the sort of thing that happens to other people. You are the safeguard
who is standing between pornography and your family, and your vigilance
is essential.
If you suspect
your family members are breaking the rules, there are ways to check
your computer to see where they have been spending their time. As
a parent, you can track down clues in much the way that Sherlock
Holmes looked for clues at the crime scene. We will explain some
of these methods in future columns.
Children should
understand and agree that their parents always have the right to
access their online accounts and check their activities. Some children
will probably not like this, and some parents themselves may not
be too keen on it. After all, it goes against the rules of trust,
and it's the electronic equivalent of going through your child's
dresser drawers looking for bad things. But just as Mom and Dad
set the rules for using the family car, they should also set the
rules for using the family computer. Although most parents will
not need to access their children's accounts often, they should
still maintain the right to do so when necessary. Many times, just
the fact that family members know they could be monitored will inspire
some of them to keep the rules.
For the first
violation of online rules, you may consider giving a warning. Some
children are so embarrassed to be caught viewing pornography that
they only need to be caught once before they repent and follow the
rules thereafter.
If you catch
a family member exploring improper material, don't assume he is
doing it on purpose. Many Internet sites, particularly ones that
feature pornography, go out of their way to make sure they can easily
be found. Family members may stumble upon such material while looking
for harmless information.
As a parent,
it is your responsibility to determine how many warnings your children
should receive. As a general rule, warnings should be given while
the rules are still new, but should be replaced with punishment
when the family member knows he is breaking the rules. Punishments
should be strictly enforced. Each violation after the first
should result in increasingly severe punishments.
One common
punishment is the loss of online privileges, or the imposition of
stronger parental controls. If you take away privileges, don't rely
on the child's word that he won't get online. After all, he broke
his word when he broke the rules he'd agreed to follow. Instead,
use the software to lock the child out of the system. One way to
do this is to change the password used to access the child's user
name, and don't reveal the new password until the probation period
is ended. During the probation period, make sure your child is not
spending time with friends who are online. You might require the
child to be "grounded" at home for the duration of the period.
If this seems
harsh, remember that anyone who exposes himself to pornography is
in danger of becoming addicted to pornography. A child who exposes
himself to pedophiles is in danger of losing his life. And a child
who obtains and uses your credit cards can run up thousands of dollars
in charges before you even realize you have a problem. Penalties
for violations of your computer rules should be stiff, and they
should be rigorously applied. If your child whines about the stiffness
of the rules, this is no time to take pity on him. The safety of
your family is at stake. If he pays the price this time, he may
learn his lesson.
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