The Toddler Diet
By Tiffany Lewis

With the FDA recently issuing its new dietary guidelines and everyone combing the magazines and Internet for just the right diet for 2005, I decided it’s time to enter my own weight-loss proposals.

Oh sure, there’s Atkins, South Beach, and Weight Watchers. But as mothers, with all the goldfish crackers and apple slices flying around, low carb is as feasible as a solid night’s sleep. No, there must be a diet tailor-made for mothers of young children. There shouldn’t be a need to measure each spoonful, cut your butter in half, or survive on those little frozen dinners that wouldn’t fill a thimble. After much pondering, these are a few ideas I’ve come up with:

The PB&J Diet

Eat peanut butter and jelly three meals a day, sticking in an occasional carrot stick or apple for good measure. It’s like the Subway diet, with a juvenile twist. This is a diet that will make the whole family happy.

The Spotless Floor Diet

Eat one meal a day consisting entirely of the food your baby throws on the floor. This diet serves a dual purpose. All those mashed bananas won’t go to waste, and you’ll have an incentive to keep your floor extra clean.

The Baby Food Diet

Okay, admit it. When you’re really hungry, Gerber’s Apples and Chicken Dinner looks awfully enticing. You might even enjoy this one for a day or two. And after a week of pureed spinach, unsweetened oatmeal and mushy carrots, you may be tempted to swear off food altogether.

The Eat-What-They-Didn’t Diet

When you sit down to a meal, don’t dish up for yourself at all. Just wait till your toddler is finished (that’ll take about 30 seconds) and eat what’s left. Half of the mastication process might already have taken place, saving you both time and energy.

The Proportional Diet

This is one of my personal favorites, and is not so much a diet but a “lifestyle.” When you make a batch of chocolate-chip cookies, or dish out ice cream, divide according to body mass index among the family. One serving for the children, two for you. Warning: Must eat fast or kids will notice a discrepancy.

The After-Hours Diet

Another personal favorite. During the day you eat your five fruits and vegetables, whole grains, low-sugar yogurt, and broccoli, exclaiming throughout how much you love good, healthy food. Then, once the kids are asleep, you pull out the ice cream, the candy bar stash, and the microwave popcorn. This diet doesn’t guarantee weight-loss results, but you’ll go to bed smiling.

And Finally, the Toddler Diet

This one is really quite simple, requiring no fancy equipment or expensive fees. All you need is one strapping toddler. The toddler does not need to be in the same room as you, only within a 30-mile radius. As soon as you begin to eat, she will magically appear by your side. She will inevitably demand a “bite” of whatever you are eating. It’s best not to argue, as you might become the target of the bite … on your leg. So you will comply, and before you know it, she will have consumed half of what you are eating.

And that’s it! You can cut your calorie intake in half within minutes! No pills, no special drinks. This one I’ve lived first-hand. Why, just the other day I poured myself a bowl of cereal. I ran upstairs to answer the phone, leaving the bowl on the table. When I returned I found the entire bowl lapped up by my toddler (who had already eaten breakfast). I drank the milk remaining in the bowl, and voila, a 200-calorie breakfast reduced to 30 calories! There’s never been anything like it. Intuitive toddlers might even be guaranteed to interrupt your late-night snacking.

Note: The Toddler Diet works best with chips, ice cream, and anything chocolate. Not guaranteed on broccoli, spinach, or anything of a “healthy” nature. Consult your physician before starting any weight-loss program.