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The Toddler Diet
By Tiffany Lewis
With
the FDA recently issuing its new dietary guidelines and
everyone combing the magazines and Internet for just the
right diet for 2005, I decided it’s time to enter my own
weight-loss proposals.
Oh
sure, there’s Atkins, South Beach, and Weight Watchers. But as mothers,
with all the goldfish crackers and apple slices flying
around, low carb is as feasible
as a solid night’s sleep. No, there must be a diet tailor-made
for mothers of young children. There shouldn’t be a need
to measure each spoonful, cut your butter in half, or
survive on those little frozen dinners that wouldn’t fill
a thimble. After much pondering, these are a few ideas
I’ve come up with:
The PB&J Diet
Eat
peanut butter and jelly three meals a day, sticking in
an occasional carrot stick or apple for good measure.
It’s like the Subway diet, with a juvenile twist. This
is a diet that will make the whole family happy.
The Spotless Floor Diet
Eat
one meal a day consisting entirely of the food your baby
throws on the floor. This diet serves a dual purpose.
All those mashed bananas won’t go to waste, and you’ll
have an incentive to keep your floor extra clean.
The Baby Food Diet
Okay,
admit it. When you’re really hungry, Gerber’s Apples and
Chicken Dinner looks awfully enticing. You might even
enjoy this one for a day or two. And after a week of pureed
spinach, unsweetened oatmeal and mushy carrots, you may
be tempted to swear off food altogether.
The Eat-What-They-Didn’t Diet
When
you sit down to a meal, don’t dish up for yourself at
all. Just wait till your toddler is finished (that’ll
take about 30 seconds) and eat what’s left. Half of the
mastication process might already have taken place, saving
you both time and energy.
The Proportional Diet
This
is one of my personal favorites, and is not so much a
diet but a “lifestyle.” When you make a batch of chocolate-chip
cookies, or dish out ice cream, divide according to body
mass index among the family. One serving for the children, two for you. Warning: Must
eat fast or kids will notice a discrepancy.
The After-Hours Diet
Another personal favorite. During the day you eat your five
fruits and vegetables, whole grains, low-sugar yogurt,
and broccoli, exclaiming throughout how much you love
good, healthy food. Then, once the kids are asleep, you
pull out the ice cream, the candy bar stash, and the microwave
popcorn. This diet doesn’t guarantee weight-loss results,
but you’ll go to bed smiling.
And Finally, the Toddler Diet
This
one is really quite simple, requiring no fancy equipment
or expensive fees. All you need is one strapping toddler.
The toddler does not need to be in the same room as you,
only within a 30-mile radius. As soon as you begin to
eat, she will magically appear by your side. She will
inevitably demand a “bite” of whatever you are eating.
It’s best not to argue, as you might become the target
of the bite … on your leg. So you will comply, and before
you know it, she will have consumed half of what you are
eating.
And
that’s it! You can cut your calorie intake in half within
minutes! No pills, no special drinks. This one I’ve lived
first-hand. Why, just the other day I poured myself a
bowl of cereal. I ran upstairs to answer the phone, leaving
the bowl on the table. When I returned I found the entire
bowl lapped up by my toddler (who had already eaten breakfast).
I drank the milk remaining in the bowl, and voila,
a 200-calorie breakfast reduced to 30 calories! There’s
never been anything like it. Intuitive toddlers might
even be guaranteed to interrupt your late-night snacking.
Note: The Toddler Diet works best with
chips, ice cream, and anything chocolate. Not guaranteed
on broccoli, spinach, or anything of a “healthy” nature.
Consult your physician before starting any weight-loss
program.
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