In Connection with Richard and Linda Eyre

Editor’s note:   Welcome to the Value of respect— the Meridian Family Value for February.  As most Meridian readers know by now, Meridian Magazine, in collaboration with Linda and Richard Eyre, presents a specific and particular value each month, complete with methods for teaching that value to each age group of children. At the first of the month there is an overview article (like this one) and then each week there are follow up bulletins with additional ideas and teaching methods for specific age groups. Meridian readers can also send in their own thoughts and ideas on the value of the month click here to read the explanatory article that started this series.  Any time during the month, you can click on the “family value of the month” icon on the left side of the Meridian home page and go directly to the teaching ideas for the month. You can also get additional teaching ideas for the value of the month by going to http://www.valuesparenting.com/. There has perhaps never been a time in the western world when children possessed and practiced less respect than they do today, so we are pleased to turn our focus during February to this very important (and too often ignored) value.

Definition

We will define this value as: Respect for life, for property, for parents, for elders, for nature, and for the beliefs and rights of others; courtesy, politeness, and manners; self-respect and the avoidance of self-criticism.

Introductory Stories

We once read an article from a British newspaper on little Prince William, the then five-year-old son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana of England.  The article pointed out that although the little fellow was independent and a bit rambunctious, he was also extremely polite and respectful. He always opened doors for ladies, addressed men as “sir,” and said “please” and “thank you.” His parents, the article said, had instructed the royal nanny to put high priority on teaching him to be a “respectful young gentleman.”

“Now that’s what we need,” we thought to ourselves (not the nanny, although that need had also occurred to us) — “a little more respect.” We tore out the article and took it up with the kids that evening at dinner, explaining very firmly that from now on we were going to have better manners and more respect.

We asked them what they thought respect meant and got the answers we wanted. “Being polite,” “being courteous,” “helping other people.”

Then we got an answer far better than what we thought we wanted — far better than the answer we had in our own minds. It came from an adolescent daughter, who said, “I think it’s nice that Prince William calls people ‘sir’ and I think manners are important, but respect isn’t just using the right words and being well trained. Respect means really caring about how people feel.”

The importance of and basic necessity for respect are self-evident. Respect is the basis and foundation (and often the motivation) for several of the other basic values of life. Children who learn both to implement and to understand the principle of respect will be better members of society, better friends, and better leaders.

The teaching of respect is an interesting and somewhat difficult proposition. The main thing to remember is that respect isn’t given unless it is received. We need first to respect our children (in terms of how we speak to them and how we treat them) and then to absolutely demand that they show respect for us in return. The respect they receive in the home will be the basis for their own self-respect; and the respect they learn to show in the home (to family members) will be the foundation on which to build respect for others outside the home.

General Guidelines

• Extend respect and then expect respect. Create the proper climate for respect in your own home. We often speak to and deal with our children with less respect than we show to strangers. We treat them as though they have no rights and deserve no explanations. We say “because I said so” and we give them no benefit of the doubt and assume they are guilty until proven innocent.

We need to change this, even if it requires imagining that they are strangers and speaking to them accordingly.  Use the words “please” and “thank you” more. Ask them whenever possible instead of telling them. Ask for their advice or input on things. Respect their opinions.

          Once we make this effort, we are in a position to expect (even demand) respect in return.

Make it clear that respect includes tone of voice as well as manners. This expectation must be consistent and repetitive. Simply do not allow disrespect in your home.

• Give plenty of praise and recognition. Reinforce respectful behavior and encourage its repetition. Make up your mind to watch for opportunities to praise courtesy and politeness during the month. Catch them doing something right and make a big deal of it. Praise them in front of other family members — and then try to remember to praise them privately, one on one, later in the same day. 

• Give them a chance to correct themselves by saying, “Let’s start over.” This is a good method to correct disrespectful behavior in a positive way. Establish the pattern (and the habit, in connection with consistently not allowing disrespect in the home) of saying, “Let’s start over.” When a disrespectful answer is given, when someone fails to say “please” or “thank you,” say “Let’s start over.” Then repeat the situation, letting the child do it right.

Do this with children of all ages. And when necessary, say, “Let’s start over” for yourself and then repeat your own statement or behavior in a more respectful way.

• Teach by your own examples. Show respectful behavior. As always, example is the best teacher. During this month be ever conscious of respect. Let your children see and hear you being concerned for the property and rights of others, assisting the elderly, caring for nature, being polite in all situations and showing self-respect in terms of how you look and how you speak of yourself.

See you next week for some age-specific methods for teaching this value of respect to your children.  And, if you can’t wait, go to www.valuesparenting.com for more methods right now.