As
the last two illustrate, you can have some fun with the game.
But the bottom line is helping small children begin to understand
the value of moderation.
We
were trying to explain the concept of discipline and moderation
to our four-year-old, Eli, as it related to watching television,
and having very limited success.
We
have a fairly rigid “no TV” rule for weekdays, and this little
guy was arguing that they rule was just for the school kids who
had homework. “I don’t start school until next year,” he said,
“so I should get to watch cartoons. All you ever let me see is
‘Sesame Street.’”
Help
sometimes comes from unexpected sources. Our very quantitative
fourteen-year-old overhead the conversation and came in, spouting
some statistics he had heard at school.
“The
average American family has a TV turned on for nearly seven hours
a day,” he announced, “up from three and half hours in 1970. At
that rate a kid like Eli would see nearly forty thousand hours
of TV by the time he was eighteen.”
The
complexity of that argument went way over Eli’s head, but he idolizes
his older brother so much that he gave up the argument!
Methods for Elementary School Age
Music
Lessons
Education
in music offers a clear challenge and focal point for self-discipline.
This is not an easy way to teach this value, but it can be extremely
effective. Although almost all parents would love to have their
children involved in music lessons, the extent of discipline necessary
to succeed is sometimes quite high. Most children are initially
excited about learning to play in instrument. Those who are disciplined
enough to get themselves on a routine practice schedule and stick
to it are rare!
The
parent walks a fine line here. Linda can clearly remember her
mother standing over her while tears streamed down her face because
she couldn’t go out and play until her practicing was done. I
remember her saying with firm conviction, “Someday you’ll thank
me for this!”
Although
Linda spent many hours producing angry fumes and dumping gallons
of tears, she was absolutely right! Linda went on to major in
music in college and found that music added quality and depth
and self-esteem to her life.
Starting
children on a musical instrument often requires buying an alarm
clock for the child to help him get himself up in the morning
and lots of reminders of where practicing fits on the list of
priorities of the home getting the practicing done often requires
every reward, praise, threat, or bribe that parents can think
of and then some.
Linda
has learned that music is not worth destroying a relationship
with a child over. One year she found herself nagging, pushing,
pulling and prodding on of our sons — who, incidentally, was quite
talented in music — to the point where they really didn’t like
each other much. When she realized what was happening, she had
him quit lessons and immediately their relationship improved.
After
a year’s break, this son was back at the keyboard. After a long
talk he agreed that he would try to discipline himself more to
practice, and Linda agreed to discipline herself to quit nagging
him about practicing. They both did better!
Music-practice
philosophy in different homes ranges from “You don’t have to practice
every day — only the days you want to eat,” to “Practice while
you can; enjoy it while it lasts.” Decide where you belong on
the spectrum and use it as a great way to teach discipline — for
both parent and child!
Teach
Your Children How to Set and Reach Goals
This
does not mean only on New Year’s Day, although that can be a start.
If you take the time to sit down with them and talk about their
goals for the coming year, they can think of all kinds of wonderful
things. Sometimes they learn that their enthusiasm outdistances
reality, but it is a good learning process.
On
the first Sunday of every month, encourage children to set goals
for the month ahead. Weekly goals can also be set, even by children
as young as three or four. (Drawing pictures of a goal is as good
as writing them down…sometimes better.)
Praise
Praise
helps reinforce and perpetuate this value. This simple word is
probably the most important concept in teaching values to children
and is especially crucial for children who are trying to learn
discipline themselves. Instead of expressing irritation to children
for not getting household jobs done, express —honestly — praise
and delight every time they do. Instead of saying to yourself,
“I can’t believe Jill is doing the dishes without being told,”
say something out loud like, “I can’t tell you how much it lightens
my load to have you see the dinner mess and get it cleaned up
my without even having to ask you to do it. You are getting so
good at seeing what needs to be done and doing it on your own
initiative!” the chances of the child repeating that act of self-discipline
increases tenfold — on the spot!
The
next time you walk through the family room and see two or three
children playing nicely together, stop and tell them how it makes
you feel, instead of getting angry at them when they argue.
Every
attempt to give honest praise is a solid-gold investment.
Methods for Adolescents
Agree
on Policies for Discipline
Give
your teenagers the limits that provide security, convince them
of your concern, and vie them opportunities for the exercise of
discipline. Sit down with your adolescent and decide together
on some guidelines and standards that will help him exercise discipline
and moderation as he moves into and through his teenage years.
Some suggestions:
- Decide on a curfew. There is really no need (or
very seldom a need) for extremely late hours. An amazing percentage
of problems occur after midnight.
- Limit the number of nights out. Limit television,
limit things that need moderation. A mutually agreed on limit
will help a teenager to exercise discipline more easily.
- Date one person no more than twice in a row. Require
a date with someone else before a third date occurs with the
same person.
Introduce
a Simple Planning System
This
can help elementary and adolescent age children manage their time
and energy — and also promote the development of spontaneity as
a companion to discipline. Try (for yourself) and teach adolescent
children the following basic daily planning system:
- At the top of a planning page list on single priority
for the day for work (or school), one for family, and one for
self.
- Then put a vertical line down the middle of the
planning page, list the things you need to do that day (including
the three priorities) by time (hour) on the left-hand side
- Leave the right-hand side of the page blank — then
watch for spontaneous or serendipitous things (unplanned happy
accidents) that are better or more worthwhile than some of what
is on your list. Try to meet the three priorities and to do
at least one or two spontaneous things each day.
Try
this system together for a week or two. Then discuss your individual
results in a family discussion.
