*

Self-discipline means many things: being able to motivate and manage yourself and your time, being able to control yourself and your temper, being able to control your appetites (and here the companion word moderation comes into play).

Self-discipline and moderation are two sides of the same coin. Self-discipline is pulling up and away from the laziness of doing too little. Moderation is pulling in and away from the excesses of trying to do or to have too much.

Discipline and moderation are profound and universal values because their presence helps us and others and their absence inevitably causes short- or long-term hurt.

These are values on which all parents must work personally. And it is our example, more than any other method or technique, that will teach this value to our children.

Some years ago, we had one child who was the most undisciplined of all our children.  For one thing, he simply could not remember to do his homework. On occasion when he did do his work, he couldn’t seem to remember whether or not he’d handed it in. his thoughts were immersed in model airplanes, snakes and gerbils, and computer games. Nothing else mattered much to him. We were constantly nagging him to clean his room and “get his act together.”

Then two fairly significant things happened to him: Our family moved to England, and he was enrolled in an extremely disciplined school for boys, complete with a school uniform that included black wool pants, black leather shoes, gray socks, a white shirt, gray V-neck sweater, school tie, and blue blazer. Any boy lacking any part of his uniform was severely reprimanded. Not only that, each boy was required to take thirteen subjects, which included physics, chemistry, classical studies, and mythology. Not a bad schedule of classes for a seventh-grader! Each boy was required to carry an assignment notebook in the left-inside pocket of his jacket. Each class and the assignment for that day were to be carefully printed inside. Any teacher could stop any boy and ask to see his notebook at any time. If the notebook was not there or was not complete, the student was doomed to detention.

At about the same time, Linda decided that her relationship with this child was suffering because of my incessant reminders to practice, to clean his room, to get his homework done. I eased off, and decided that my communication and friendship with him were more important than the tidiness of his room.

Those two experiences helped transform our son from a caterpillar to a lovely moth. (He couldn’t really be classified as a butterfly, because his room continued to look about the same — but thanks to his new self-discipline, he cleaned it up at least once a month without being asked.)

That son eventually learned to do his homework.  He became an Eagle Scout and a member of the National Honor Society. Instead of being a thorn in my side, he is now one of my favorite people.

General Guidelines

Teach by example. Create a personal example regarding the value of discipline and moderation in all areas. Again, example is the number-one method. Make up your mind, especially during this month, to control your temper, to save a percentage of your income, to live within your means, to eat moderately, and so on. Make a point of all these things – talk about them (and why you do them) with your children.

“Count to ten.” Help children — and yourself — stay in tighter control of their tempers. There is not more obvious and noticeable illustration of discipline than the control of temper. Teach your children the simple principle of counting to ten before saying or doing anything when they feel anger. Give some “bad examples” of people who hurt someone because they struck out (or spoke out) without stopping to think. Give some good examples of people who were about to say something angry or to hurt someone in some way and then thought better of it while counting to ten.

Challenge children (and yourself) to count to ten out loud during this month whenever anger begins to rise in their feelings. You do it too. Let each other hear the “one, two, three,” etc. and realize that each family member is struggling for better control.

Maintain a family schedule. This can give children the security of certain things that are predictable and the discipline of being sure that they are these when expected. Have a set breakfast time and a dinnertime. Have different times for different days if necessary, but put them up on some sort of poster and see if everyone can discipline themselves to be there during this month.

Use the terms discipline and moderation frequently. This will help children understand them and “connect” them to everyday behavior. When you pass up a second helping of potatoes, say, “I’m going  to use moderation and not eat too much — it will help my waistline.” When you notice a child getting his homework done, say, “There’s discipline for you.” Make the words the “theme” of your communications and your activities for the month.

Set up “deals.” Add motivation to your child’s efforts to discipline himself to accomplish goals. Having children set up certain objectives and attaching a reward to the accomplishment of those goals can give parents added opportunities for praise and can make children more conscious of consistently disciplining themselves to do things.

At our home in recent years the “deals” have been a great summertime motivator for self-discipline. Usually at the beginning of the summer we talk with the children about the things they’d like to accomplish by September. For some it may be to be a better tennis play or basketball player. For others it may be to learn a certain piece on the piano or become more proficient on the violin. Still others know that reading is important but can’t seem to make time for it.

A “deal” gets its beginnings when one of the children “proposes” some goal and suggests a reward. We usually modify the proposal and make a counteroffer. For example, our ten year old proposed the following deal last spring: “Make ten left-handed lay-ups every day but Sundays for two months; read one book every two weeks for two moths; make bed five days each week for two months. Reward: $100 for school clothes.”

We countered with one book a week, bed made everyday, and added two balanced meals (all four food groups) every day for two months. The ten year old accepted the counteroffer, made up a chart to keep track, and proceeded to “make his deal.”

The deals vary according to the age of the child. Little children usually require “deals” on a short-range basis and need lost of reminders. Older children need to take responsibility without being constantly reminded. We’ve had some children who want the reward from “the deal” so desperately that they feel like Ulysses strapped to the mast of his ship. Even though they hear the siren songs (the distractions of their lives), they are ecstatic when they accomplish their goals knowing that the “ropes” that bound them are self-inflicted.

Join in here at Meridian each week in November for some additional age-specific methods for reaching this great value of self discipline and moderation to preschoolers, elementary age kids, and adolescents. And come visit us at www.valuesparenting.com.

All the best, Richard and Linda Eyre