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“addressing contemporary matters
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How many times have we promised ourselves we would never do that again — whether it is opening mouth to insert foot, falling off the band wagon of a diet, or making an assumption that caused interpersonal difficulty? Our goof-up causes embarrassment or a momentary glitch in the road, but we can pick ourselves up and, hopefully with a bit of grace, move on.
For some people, the things they say they will never do again are more serious than those of others. Anyone struggling with an addiction can attest that every day they fight a battle not to “do that again.”
Addiction is a complicated word that means different things to different people. A commonality, though, is that it is tough. Too often, the addict — despite his or her best intentions — slips up and does it again.
We will focus on the addiction of pornography here, though many of the same heartbreaking realities are connected to alcoholism, drug addiction, and the like.
Satan Laughs
When a pornography addict slips up, he or she may be riddled with guilt over having “gone there” again. The addict hates seeing what it does to the family, feels uglier and more guilty than ever, and perhaps even believes that recovery is not possible — that it is too late, or he has fallen too far, it is just too hard, or that he has done it again one too many times.
As this heartrending situation plays out, Satan is around the dark corner laughing at the pain this backsliding has caused. An addict knows this in his mind. It just doesn’t get all the way into the heart, where it can become internalized and be flipped around.
For one who is struggling, it helps to work at owning the perspective that in this fight for freedom, the adversary is leading the charge to keep you in darkness. Knowing it in the mind and owning it in the heart are two different things. Make it harder for Satan to get his laughs at your expense. The key is to recognize that your momentary relapse does not mean that you are making no progress.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell wisely counseled that, “Even yesterday’s righteous experience does not guarantee us against tomorrow’s relapse. A few who have supernal spiritual experiences have later fallen. Hence, enduring well to the end assumes real significance, and we are at risk till the end!” (Ensign, July 1982, “Thanks Be To God,” p.51)
Knowing that, an addict can realistically set boundaries and goals, and work strenuously to keep on the path. If, however, there is a fall, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road.
Concrete goals
From conversations I have had with addicts and their loved ones, and keen insights offered from those who work with and offer assistance to addicts, here are six suggestions that may help you prevent another relapse:
- Write it down: There is more power in having something in writing than in merely thinking or saying the words. Create a personal contract that will help you focus on the goal of freedom. It will be a reminder and a guide. It will also offer strength should you ever slip up. List the things you will do on a regular basis, including the seemingly tiniest of issues and thoughts. Be real and honest and as complete as possible. Include helps for times when temptations seem more alluring. Have an answer for as many questions as possible, and an “out” for every temptation that might come your way.
- Hold regular PPIs: The most important Personal Progress Interview you can hold may be the one you hold with yourself. An honest, open, look-in-the-mirror-of-the-soul time for reflecting and personal awareness.
Elder M. Russell Ballard encouraged this pattern: “Take time each week to be by yourself, away from television and the crowd. Have your scriptures with you and as you read, ponder, and pray, take an honest look at your life. Evaluate where you stand with the promises you have made with Heavenly Father.” (Elder M. Russell Ballard, “You Promised”, New Era, February 1994, p. 7)
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Enlist the help of others: This can be a hard one for many. Out of embarrassment, there may seem as though there is no one to lean upon. The Church has programs now, however, to offer support and guidance. The 12-Step program is one that, time and again, addicts tell me has made such a difference for them. Seek out these programs and join.
Although there are enemies unseen that prod you toward the fulfilling of lusts, there are allies available to help set you free. For some, those allies include members of the family. Sometimes, because of hurt or anger or confusion, family members isolate themselves from the offender. Reach out to those support groups, to leaders, and others who can separate the person from the practice. Meanwhile, family members may work on their own challenges so that healing for all may occur.
If need be, change the circle of friends, surrounding yourself with those who are “actively engaged in good works.” Regardless of age, we are who our friends are. Alienation is a barrier to healing. Although a voice inside may whisper that you don’t deserve it, or you have to do this on your own, the opposite is true. There is power in numbers here. Mentoring is critical to success.
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Work to become genuinely converted to the gospel: Rory Reid, a counselor who works with addicts, has made a keen observation. I will quote from his article entitled “No More Disposition To Do Evil: Abandoning Pornography through a Mighty Change of Heart”:
“Most Latter-day Saints who struggle with pornography habits know the gospel is true. They have a testimony but have yet to be converted to the truth. A testimony is only part of the process of becoming converted … Conversion is a conviction of the truth that leads us to repent and obey God’s commandments, and it subsequently leads to a remission of sin.”
President Marion G. Romney counseled that, “In one who is really wholly converted, desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died. And substituted therefore is a love of God, with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments.”
The mighty change of heart spoken of in the book of Mosiah is a personal journey. For the addict, a complete and utter reliance and dependence upon the Savior may be profoundly personal and purging. One tiny little step at a time, the desire to satisfy lustful appetites may convert to a disposition which is no longer enticed to do that which is evil.
All of us fall short and make mistakes. Regardless of our intent, we goof up. Because of the blessing of the Atonement, we can continually repent and work at making ourselves whole. When struggling with a pornography addiction, the gift of the Atonement offers the opportunity to recognize how very loved each one of us is. Accepting that loving gift and letting it settle in, the love becomes greater than the addiction. Hope is renewed. Conversion is not further compromised.
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Substitute better things: Murray, a good man who currently serves as a bishop, has lovingly counseled many struggling addicts in his ward. One of the good patterns for improvement he offers is the substitution pattern. Individuals who substitute better choices for the ones that have caused such pain are the ones who find more success in their rehabilitation process. Substituting scripture reading, study, service and such choices will build the spiritual health desired.
The key is to make a detailed plan in order to enjoy the fruits of self-mastery. Any number of healthy options can be added to the recovering addict’s lifestyle so that there are more good substitutions from which to choose.
When an urge comes to seek out or act on porn, he suggests that the addict determine to choose — immediately — to do something else. Counting out loud, doing jumping jacks, singing — anything that will push you past the critical moment of temptation — will give you a “win.” It sets up a positive cycle, in which the individual can celebrate those wins.
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Surrender, surrender, surrender to Christ: I imagine few, if any, of us could say that we have gone through life thus far without being let down by someone, or having our trust stomped on. Addicts feel the burden of guilt for breaking the trust of those they love. Loved ones feel betrayed and dismayed because of the breach. It hurts. It makes it harder to trust the next time. It separates people. It even can set us apart from Christ, if we are not mindful of his loving, perfect ways.
Even if no one else — no one — is trustworthy enough or accessible enough to be there for us, the Savior is. There need be no game playing, second guessing, or concern of win/lose with Jesus Christ. Because he is able, always, to separate the sin (which is wrong) from the sinner (who is loved and understood, even when the sinner does not understand himself), he can utterly be trusted. Just as a small child can trust enough to jump from stair steps with abandon, knowing his parent will catch him, so we can take a leap of faith, knowing he will not let us fall. Because of him, we can change. I want to repeat: because of him, we can change!
For that reason, we may completely surrender to Christ. President David O. McKay taught, “Human nature can be changed — your human nature, if you surrender to Christ.” (Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, compiled by Llewelyn R. McKay, p.23)
Give it up! Give it all away to him, and he can better direct.
Everybody Wins
My favorite thing about these six suggestions is that work not only for recovering addicts, but for everyone. While the addict is working to preclude another moment of being sucked in by the temptation he or she is fighting, a loved one of the addict may use any of these suggestions in order to better his or her life.
Writing specific goals may allow forgiveness, healing, and peace to enter a victim’s heart. When in the middle of a burst of bitterness or wave of anger, substituting better things for name-calling or self-pity or acting on that anger will help the quality of life for those who have been affected by the pornography addict.
Some family members have expressed to me with sadness that they have been dismissed or ignored when trying to receive help and support — even within the Church. Surrendering to Christ will surely lift the spirits, fill a void, or give enough energy and hope to continue on. Enlisting help will offer strength to those of you who feel as though you have been betrayed.
None of it is easy. No one gets a free lunch when trust has been broken and hearts are hurting. But the goal is for every individual, addict or not, to heal and to progress. These goals can assist.
You Can Do It!
Slip-and-fall accidents can be costly and hurtful. Certainly that is the case when one is working to recover from pornography addiction. In a time when “I do not know that things were worse in the times of Sodom and Gomorrah” (President Gordon B. Hinckley, 2004 leadership training broadcast) we must be clear that sexual perversion in all its forms is lethal to individuals, to families, and to society.
The first step (that of recognition) leads to the next step, which is the desire for change. Once the reformative process has begun, it would be wonderful if each recovering individual moved forward with nary a slip-up. But because this human nature of ours is hard to change, please hang in there. Each micro-mini step in forward progress matters.
Set up a tighter, stronger plan and work it — not alone, but with mentors and loved ones and the Savior. God loves us and is aware of us — each one of us. If you are a recovering addict, and you have had momentary relapse, it’s not the end of the line. Nor is it for those of you who are digging out of the dark abyss created by a loved one’s addiction. As you continue reaching for goodness, the way will be provided.
For every “I never want to do that again” that we may, heaven forbid, do — there is the opportunity to get over it, be done with it, and go forward. Please, please don’t give up. Where there is hurt, there can be a healing. Where there is confusion, there can be clarity. Where there is embarrassment or isolation, there can be contentment. Where there is guilt, there can be a release and renewal. As much as you desire to be healed, the Savior desires it even more.
If you want to contact
Vickey to make comments or share your experiences, please write to
her at Vickey.whatmatters@gmail.com.
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