M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Saving the World One Person at a Time
By Vickey Pahnke-Taylor

There’s a story you’ve heard a hundred times. You can probably tell it as well as I can, but you may not realize how it applies to you or to someone you love.

A gentleman is walking along a beach after a huge storm. Hundreds of starfish have been washed ashore. A small boy comes into view as this fellow picks his way through the dying starfish. The child is throwing the helpless creatures, one by dying one, back into the surf. The man, approaching the child, says, “This is a nice gesture, but there are so many starfish. How do you expect to make any real difference here?” The child nods, never breaking rhythm as he throws another starfish into the ocean and replies, “It made a difference to that one!”

Our beach is the world. A storm that is tossing hearts and leaving souls stranded, wounded, all along the beachhead is pornography. One by one, people enter into a world of visual darkness that wrings the life out of normalcy, and many times devastates entire families.

Some have pointed out, “The problem is so large and looming. It seems as if we are losing more than we save. How will we ever make a real difference?” We must answer, as did the small boy: One by one — because it makes a difference to him (or to her).

Changing One Thing

What if each one of us determined that we would seek to save “just one” — and maybe that “one” is you, or your spouse, your child, or a ward member over whom you have stewardship? For those dealing with this addiction personally, what one thing can you choose to do differently? What is one behavior that you can choose to toss out?

For those dealing with the hurt, embarrassment, or anger because of a loved one’s addiction, what one thought process can be tossed? What reaction can be changed, or which emotional or spiritual strength could we choose to develop?

Could we make the outward gestures to encourage strength, healing, and a chance at new life for an individual or an entire family (perhaps our own) that lies gasping for breath as the sea of pornography and its effects pounds over them? How much of the equation may depend upon us, and our ability to — one by one — toss the negative and grasp the positive?

I invite you to participate in a version of the Starfish Principle:

This difficulty with pornography, like other problems, may feel overwhelming to those involved in the struggle. Perhaps the one thing that can be done is to find one thing that can be done. Effective, purposeful progress comes from deciding to do something. In fighting a war like pornography, doing any little positive thing is better than doing nothing. Even if it does not bring immediate results. One by one, things fall into place in the prayerful quest to find help and healing.

One by one, our brothers and sisters slip into a dark world of pornography. We work at helping and healing the same way — one by one.

Is now your time to find the healing for yourself, or to do what is required to bring that healing to your family or one for whom you are responsible?

One Step at a Time

I remember standing in my garage a couple of years ago, knowing a move was in the offing and there was a great deal of sorting, cleaning, organizing and tossing to get done. While some parts of the house were easy to deal with, I felt no match for this garage. Yet, I had told my husband that I would begin working on it. I felt overwhelmed. The job was too big for me! The thought of digging through all the “stuff” felt paralyzing. Where to begin? How to decide? What to keep and what to throw away?

I went through the same futile process for days: Opening the door to the garage and stepping into it. Looking around. Seeing those menacing dark corners full of stuff. Feeling like I was in a maze at Halloween, with no idea of which direction to take. After spinning around (literally and figuratively) a couple of times, I would turn on my heels and walk back into the house. Nothing was getting done in the garage.

One morning my husband grinned as he saw me standing in the familiar position — staring at the boxes and toys and junk as if I were a deer caught in headlights.

“What if we take care of this garage together?” He asked. He began a methodical process of addressing all that stuff. One box or item at a time. With his simple yet insightful help, the “one by one” procedure was manageable — with only short-lived freak-outs and slow but sure progress.

Physical issues are often tied to mental and emotional — spiritual — issues. For a person feeling overwhelmed with pornography issues, as an addict or as a loved one dealing with the problem, finding one supportive person or one practical process can stop our spinning and send us forward. One step at a time, we can begin to clean out the dark corners of our lives.

One Righteous Desire

Many who struggle with lifelong addictions feel hopeless. The lines between who they are, and who they seem to have become, blur. Some feel that it is too late to effect any real change.

Although each circumstance is unique, a commonality in those who find the improvement they seek is their courageous desire to do what is required.

President Gordon B. Hinckley explains it to addicts in this manner:

May you plead with the Lord out of the depths of your soul that He will remove from you the addiction which enslaves you. And may you have the courage to seek the loving guidance of our bishop and, if necessary, the counsel of caring professionals.

Those whose spouses, children, or friends struggle with this addiction know the pain of feeling let down, put upon, or confused and hurt. The tried and true principle that we can change no one but ourselves is applicable here. What one desire may we ponder over, and plead with the Lord for wisdom and courage to do what we need to do — whatever it is? One righteous desire may plant the seed to effect change — if not for the addict, for you. And blessings will come.

One Righteous Choice

One beautiful lady has written me several emails. Her words are always insightful and full of wisdom. She has walked the beachhead, and felt the effects of the storm surge. Although it was surely a grueling, exhausting experience, she walked with her husband as he conquered his addiction. She realized that he had made conscious choices to get involved in pornography. She saw that he was making conscious choices to get himself out of that dark hole. She recognized that she, too, could make choices.

She chose to allow the Atonement to become more effective in her life as well as his. Rather than pointing a finger at her husband, her path was to walk with him, using her fingers to grasp her companion’s. Her hope was found in scriptures and in prayers, and in conscious choice to build their relationship while she learned that she did not have to be consumed or destroyed by this insidious difficulty.

Each of us has our own path to walk. Addiction varies in intensity. Addicts vary in ability and understanding. Circumstances are vastly different. Some must leave a chaotic relationship behind in order to find peace and a chance at a viable, safe, and healthy life.

Whatever the choice is that you may need to make, make it based upon righteous principles and understandings. One righteous choice leads to the next righteous choice, and so on.

That “Aha!” Moment

Please bear with me here as I use what may seem an odd image to convey a principle.

An illustration of “large and looming” is one of “eating the elephant.” When the elephant seems much too large to eat, so to speak, we have no idea how to get the eating done. The elephant is right in front of us, but we don’t know what to do with it! Should we begin at the front? What if we learn later that we should have started at the back? What if we take a bite and it is too tough to swallow? What if we cannot eat the whole thing? We will be even more of a failure! I will just stand here, looking at the elephant.

An “Aha!” moment comes when we realize that it doesn’t much matter where we begin, as long as we just do so. The thought becomes more like this: “Wait. Maybe I am wasting time trying to figure out exactly where to begin. Even if I choose a tougher spot, and it does not go well, I can always choose a different spot to chew on.” Or this: “Say I choose to start up front, but learn that I am in the wrong spot? I will simply move.” Or this: “I have no idea how to chew on this thing. But trying is better than doing nothing out of fear of greater failure.”

Inspired thought, coupled with practical insight, may allow us to get going with the job of eating. Forget eating the whole elephant. Just take a bite. Forget controlling the situation, or having it control you. Just do something that moves you in the right direction. An “Aha!” moment brings motivation to get a job done.

A company executive who has a high profile in the business community and in the Church, for instance, feels like there is too much at stake by revealing his problem. The fallout seems too large and ugly. How can he make sense of his senseless struggle with pornography, and expose his addiction? What if — ? And so the fears mount. The elephant in front of him is too much. He needs an “Aha!” moment.

Those righteous “Aha!” moments are gifts from heaven. They tutor and open a path for blessings, if we are willing to do what is required. Rather than remain stranded on the beach, we may choose to reenter the healing waters.

Make a Difference

Decide to make a difference — for yourself, your spouse, your children, your parents, or your community. Here are some people who took crucial first steps:

Like starfish lovingly tossed back into the sea in which they thrive, we can use the principle taught by a caring little boy, and make a difference — if only to one.

If you want to contact Vickey to make comments or share your experiences, please write to her at Vickey.whatmatters@gmail.com.

 

 

Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.

© 2007 Meridian Magazine.  All Rights Reserved.