Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?
Living in Harmony with Differences
By Steve and Claudia Goodman

“A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other…”  (Elder Henry B. Eyring, Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 85-89; or Ensign, May 1998, 66-68)

My brother Bruce related a simple story I have never forgotten.  He said, “Soon after we were married, I made the startling discovery that Becky would only eat her sandwiches with Mayonnaise, while I had grown up using Miracle Whip.  My first sandwich with Mayonnaise convinced me that I didn’t like it at all.  But I wanted to keep our marriage intact, so I suffered in silence, resigning myself to the exclusive use of Mayonnaise, even though the sandwiches tasted bland to me and were almost inedible.  Then several months later an interesting thought occurred to me.  Would it destroy our unity if we kept both Mayonnaise and Miracle Whip in the fridge?  Did we dare admit that maybe our opinions or personal taste differed in some areas?  Would Becky feel that I didn’t love her anymore if I switched to Miracle Whip?  Could our limited budget withstand the addition of an extra jar?  It was a great day in our lives when we mutually agreed that we could afford to keep a jar of each on hand at all times!”

Sometimes newly married couples feel that in order to be one, they must be exactly the same.  They must like the same foods, enjoy the same activities, and keep the same schedule.  It takes a little time and experience to discover that individual preferences don’t need to dissolve a marriage.  On the contrary, they can greatly enhance it—with the proper perspective!

Don’t be afraid to change old patterns to fit the two of you.

Soon after we were married, I was shocked to discover that my husband occasionally read the newspaper at the dinner table.  In the house I grew up in, that was an absolute no-no!  No one ever read at the table.  I didn’t know what to do.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was a personal taste issue, not a moral principle.  We spent plenty of other time talking—it wasn’t as if we didn’t communicate.  After discussing it together we agreed that his reading the paper was a good break for both of us, giving him a chance to unwind and me a chance to gather my thoughts.  I was so glad that I thought it through before insisting that he could not read the paper at the table, just because my father didn’t.  After all, I was not his mother—I was his partner.  We needed to work together.

Take advantage of the differences.

Another thing I discovered was that I was a morning person, while my husband was a night person.  I had grown up with the impression that if you weren’t up by 5:30 a.m., you were lazy.  I learned very quickly that “arising from thy bed early” might mean 5:30 to one person, but 7:30 to another.  Who was right?  Both!  I quickly learned that my husband could outwork me any day, even if his “early” was a little different than mine.  You have to allow room for personal taste and individual needs.  After a few years of learning to accommodate each other’s sleeping patterns, we began to see how well they complemented each other.  When I was too tired to stay up with a sick child, Steve was fresh and able to cope.  And when the children got up an hour earlier than they were supposed to, I was alert and could easily handle them. 

One day I was visiting with my younger sister Mary, who lived in another state.  It was so fun to laugh and talk together.  Suddenly I became aware of how late it was getting—almost midnight.  “Where’s your husband?” I asked her. 

"Oh, he went to bed a couple of hours ago,” she replied.

“I hope we didn’t make him feel left out,” I apologized.

“Not at all.  He gets tired about 10:00 and just wants to go to bed.  Early in our marriage, we discovered that he likes to stay on schedule and get his rest, while I like to stay up and talk with the family when they are in town.  He used to get frustrated with me, because he was tired of visiting and wanted to go to bed.  And I got frustrated because I felt I was cheated out of spending time with loved ones.  So we reached an agreement.  I promised to feel good about him leaving the party early to get some rest, and he promised to be happy with me staying up late to visit with my family and friends.” 

One thing we soon learn in marriage is that even though we are commanded to be one, we are still two individuals with distinct personalities and preferences.  The thing that makes a strong marriage is not having two clones or carbon copies, but expanding the marriage to include all the strengths of both partners. 

Divide and Conquer.

By working together toward a common goal, husband and wife become one—one in purpose, one in focus, one in love.  The union is strengthened by all the individual strengths of both companions.  Each one uses unique characteristics to enhance the other.

When we had several children at home, there were many times when Steve went to visit our friends in the hospital or deliver something to their homes to cheer them up, while I stayed at home to care for the children.  Because each of us was doing our part, we were covering twice as many bases.  The people he visited knew the love and thoughtfulness came from both of us, while the children felt the love of their father even in the moments he was away serving.  There are many times when we can divide and conquer, while keeping our focus on the same goals.  We are still one even though we are doing different things.  We are working side by side.

Fusing a marriage unlocks synergy.

In our marriage, we have come to realize that molding two individuals into one actually expands the relationship synergistically.  We have heard the comment many times from parents of a first child that they don’t want to have another, because they love the first one so much.  They are afraid their love won’t stretch far enough to include a second one.  When number two arrives, however, they discover how much their love expands.  It doesn’t take away one particle from the first child, yet it grows by leaps and bounds to encompass the new little one.  In the same way, marriage does not diminish by embracing the differences in husband and wife.  It is those very differences that enlarge it and make it whole.  Instead of using only one set of strengths, the companionship expands to cover all the bases.  The love and unity in the relationship don’t just multiply—they grow exponentially!  

So next time you are worried about whether your spouse uses Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip, pause and remember just how much you love them exactly the way they are.  Often those unique characteristics are the very things that first attracted you to them.  Simply embrace the differences along with the similarities, and your marriage will expand and blossom beyond your highest dreams.