Meridian Magazine :: Little Things : Reinstating Father as Head of the Home

During the past few years our family has had the opportunity to sing for the UN in various countries around the world. I have also attended several UN policymaking sessions and watched in disbelief as numerous supporters of the feminist agenda systematically axe away the roots of the family structure. In their zeal to protect the rights of women and the “girl child,” they have completely ignored the “boy child” and practically denied the existence of the father. Indeed, they seem to view men as less than the dust of the earth—something to be swept under the carpet so that it is out of sight as it is walked on.

Encouraged by legal measures over the past 150 years, degenerative views of men and particularly fathers have permeated nearly every facet of our lives. Allan Carlson, president of the Howard Institute, points out that as early as 1839 “the court for the first time judged the government’s power over children to be superior to, and prior to, that of fathers…Actions in the early 20th century further stripped away the control exercised by fathers over their children.” In the 1970’s “American fathers have been finally and fully stripped of the last shred of their real authority in matters of procreation…In a cultural and legal sense, Christian fatherhood had failed.” (Allan Carlson, “Changing Role of Men in America,” The Traditional Family in Peril.)

Reinforced by the media and by subtle interactions all around us, our thinking can be easily modified to believe that we have very little use for men, that men are a nuisance at best and must not be allowed to interfere with our own career development. Fortunately, we have the guidance of modern prophets to light our way. The Proclamation on the Family clearly states: “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

When we think about it, we realize how important it is for us to honor the priesthood and the men who hold it. It’s just that this world is so geared the other way that we need to stop and remember—often. After marriage it is so easy to let the image slip. How many older women do we know who continually nag and complain about their husbands? Gradually over time, tiny critical thoughts that are unchecked grow into lurking habits that overshadow our thinking and our way of life. If we are not aware, soon our whole lives can be consumed with constant correcting and literally usurping our husband’s role to preside and protect. Frankly, women are not cut out to assume that role of presiding and protecting. They are never an adequate replacement for their husband in his divinely-appointed role, and in the process they can forfeit their own role as nurturer and heart of the home. There are several principles that can help us reinstate father as the head of the home.

In a revelation to Emma Smith, the Lord said, “…Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.” (D&C 25:14) Perhaps the greatest joy comes to a woman when she truly focuses her life on strengthening her husband. I like to watch newlyweds or those anticipating marriage shortly. Those young brides-to-be are so genuinely excited about their husbands. Just the other day I heard the delightful love story of a good friend of ours. He had some struggles in his life and hadn’t been living the commandments as fully as he should. Then he met a wonderful young woman, and they fell in love. Neither was worthy to go to the temple, but the love they shared has propelled both of them into action. Although they will be married civilly for now, their goal is to be sealed in the temple next year. The person relating the news to me commented that she couldn’t believe how changed he was—so kind and thoughtful now, so full of purpose and ambition, and so happy. All the Sunday lessons, prayers, family support, and admonitions over the years have played their part, but the unconditional love and genuine confidence of one who truly loves him has become the turning point in his life.

The Lord told Emma Smith, “And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness.” (D&C 25:5) Men don’t usually need a wife figuring out all the things they did wrong. They don’t really want her to analyze and solve all their problems for them. They usually know what their weaknesses are and what they need to do differently. What they do need is exactly what Joseph Smith needed: someone to love and comfort them and to believe in them when no one else does. What a man really needs is a fan—not a critic.

Someone once asked Camilla Kimball how it felt to marry a prophet. She replied that she didn’t marry a prophet, but a poor farm boy. How did they get from such humble beginnings to the magnificent stature they reached? Camilla’s continual support, comfort, and belief in his potential played a large part.

As I think back on my own experience, I marvel to think that Steve at the age of twenty-four had the courage to actually travel to Japan with no connections in order to study with Dr. Shinichi Suzuki, a world famous violinist. At that early point in our marriage I had no doubt whatsoever that he could do anything—and he did. How easy it is to let that belief become tarnished by the experiences of life. Our husbands can do almost anything—as long as we believe in them and support them!

We were in the company of several friends, including a man who was running for public office for the first time. His wife commented that she couldn’t believe he was running and didn’t think he could win. He didn’t.

A young man was preparing for a graduate-degree violin recital at the university. His wife knew that he had not practiced as many hours as he should have. However, as she looked more closely at the situation, she realized that the reason was because he was so busy helping some people who really needed him. She kept her belief in him strong and focused on the wonderful qualities he possessed. Together they united in prayer, and he performed the concert brilliantly. Although it wasn’t perfect, they both felt the Lord’s intervention in his behalf. Because his wife was able to see past an apparent weakness in his practicing skills and focus on the greater virtue he had of truly ministering to his fellowmen, she was able to inspire him with her great belief in him and his inherent goodness. Accordingly, he achieved success and their relationship was strengthened.

During courtship and early marriage, there is strong motivation to look and be at our best. But as time goes on, children divert our attention from ourselves and age takes its toll. It becomes easier and easier to let our personal grooming—both physical and spiritual—slide to the back burner. It is tempting to rationalize that it just doesn’t matter anymore. While it’s true that we have to learn to streamline the time we take on personal appearance, if we let it go altogether, our self-image suffers immensely, causing our focus to slip back onto ourselves, so that we are not as serviceable to others.

As we discipline ourselves to eat wisely, stay fit, and dress nicely (although not necessarily in the latest fashion), we free ourselves so that we can focus more on strengthening our husband and meeting his needs. In addition, if we strengthen ourselves spiritually by feasting on the scriptures, keeping a journal, and attending the temple, we will indeed be filled so that we can minister to our husbands without reserve and become a delight to them.

Editors’ Note: Would you like to have a little print out of Claudia Goodman’s reminders about your role as women? Click here to get the list of the eight ideas above that you can slip into your scriptures.

Pray for your husband & your own feelings toward him.

One of the best ways for a husband and father to succeed as head of his household is through the faith and prayers of his wife and children. In this way he will receive strength beyond his own. Also, if we ever struggle with critical feelings toward our husbands, perhaps the greatest healing comes as we plead with the Lord to soften our own hearts. He most certainly will respond if we give Him the chance.

The father in one family recently graduated with a master’s degree, but has had a difficult time locating a suitable job. Time after time interviewers have passed over him for no logical reason. He and his wife have watched as all their graduating friends have landed the very jobs they hoped for. They have analyzed his interviewing skills and marketability and improved them in every possible way—to no avail. Finally together they turned to the Lord in prayer and received the comforting reassurance that all things were in His hands, that these trying circumstances were not because of their own inadequacy, and that the right job would come to them in His own due time. Although they still do not have a firm job prospect in sight, they have peace in their hearts and a deepening of their relationship and trust in each other and the Lord that could have come in no other way. This fortunate man has a wife who truly supports him and believes in his ability to succeed.

Inevitably we all hit times along this bumpy road of life when we question the actions of our husbands. Because we are so close to them, we see their faults through a magnifying glass. As women, our natural tendency can be to pick things apart somewhat critically and worry about whether they are right or not.

Besides worrying about the trivial little faults we may see in our husbands, we also sometimes run up against bigger problems. Everyone makes big mistakes sometimes, even worthy husbands who hold and try to honor the priesthood. How do we keep our belief in them strong while dealing with a mistake that may have hurt them and us deeply?

I often recall the advice my mother gave me when I got married. She reminded me how important it is to do things together as a couple—even make mistakes together. I love the thought of Adam and Eve walking out of the Garden of Eden holding hands. That’s what it takes—shouldering the mistake with your husband and bearing part of the burden. It’s yours to share. You got into it together, and together you can lick it. Then there is no finger-pointing, no saying, “I warned you,” or “How could you have done this to me?” You become part of the solution, not part of the problem. Remember that with your unfaltering love and loyalty behind your husband, and with your belief that he can do anything, he can! You can both do it—together.

If you still feel yourself faltering, pause to reflect on all the good times of the past. What attracted you to him in the first place? What are the qualities you admire in him? Rejoice in the wonderful experiences you have shared. Remembering the happy times puts the problems into perspective. They are merely small bumps in the road of life. A flat tire, or even a ruined transmission does not mean the end of the journey. The important thing is to move forward together.

One couple we know bounced from job to job. The husband just couldn’t seem to find work that he really enjoyed. In the process they ended up moving several times and acquired some fairly heavy debts as they tried different things. Finally he was reduced to manual labor and a small rental home in order to support his family, even though he had a college education. The wife could have been bitter and critical, but instead she assumed the responsibility for their predicament with her husband. Together they faced their mistakes, which in reality were merely learning experiences—they had done the best they knew how at the time. They assessed their situation, made adjustments, and are now systematically working their way out of their past debts with a steady, though not glamorous job. Even with the challenges they face, they are happier than they have ever been. They are meeting the future together, hand in hand.

If fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness, then we as women must sustain and follow them. That doesn’t mean we blindly submit. On the contrary, our input is vital. However, in a feministic world, far too many women try to run the whole show and keep their husbands in submission to their own ideas and/or whims of how things should be done.

There is a story in the Old Testament that has always haunted me. Saul gave his daughter Michal to David to be his wife. At one point David had the Ark of the Covenant brought back to the city of David. “And David danced before the Lord with all his might…And as the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal Saul’s daughter looked through a window and saw king David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart…Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself…as one of the vain fellows shamelessly!…And David said unto Michal, It was before the Lord, which chose me…therefore will I play before the Lord…Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.” (2 Samuel 6:14-23)

How hasty we are to judge at times! Like Michal, we so easily conclude that our husbands are in the wrong and stand in need of our correction, when so often it is we who do not see things clearly. Because Michal despised her husband, she was left out in the cold. If we can unconditionally love our husbands and honor them, trusting in their ability to lead us, in most cases they will far surpass the reputation we give them to live up to.

One of the most valuable lessons we have been given in recent years is watching some of our prophets guide the church while they have reached old age and have lost their good health. Yet the direction when it was needed was always unmistakably true and clear. Even Isaac in the Old Testament gave the appointed blessings to his sons Jacob and Esau, although he was blind and bowed down with age. No matter what the circumstances, the Lord will always bless us as we follow the priesthood.

One of the greatest challenges we may face is honoring a husband or priesthood leader whose thinking has been impaired, perhaps by traumatic brain injury, drugs, discouragement, or unrighteousness. I don’t believe there is an easy answer, but Nephi gave us a pattern when he went to his father who was murmuring against the Lord and asked him for directions. (1 Ne. 16:18-26) It wasn’t Nephi’s place to chastise his father. The Lord took care of that. Nephi’s responsibility was to honor his father and follow his direction. Because he was willing to respect the priesthood, the Lord provided direction even though Lehi may not have been in the best position to receive it. In addition, Lehi was strengthened and brought back in tune with the Lord.

Of course there are circumstances where a father or priesthood leader becomes rebellious or incapable of leading us in the Lord’s path. Surely the Lord expects us to use our good judgment and act responsibly in those cases. However we must be sure that we have given our husband and/or priesthood leader every chance to succeed first.

Finally, as women in Zion we can teach our children to respect their father as the head of the household. Our own example is the most powerful teaching tool we possess. As we show honor and respect ourselves, our children will tend to follow.

As our children were growing up, when Dad was away on business trips, we had the older boys who held the priesthood or were preparing to receive it, preside at family prayer and scripture study. That practice reinforced the importance of the priesthood.

Mothers are pretty good at listening to their children’s concerns, large and small. Again and again as I work with my children I find that I can give them excellent advice on most of their daily problems. However, when it comes to the larger, more critical decisions, I always find myself saying, “Let’s see what Dad thinks about this.” And without fail, Dad’s advice is always exactly right, and brings up points that hadn’t even crossed my mind. Invariably I have heard our children say, “Thanks, Dad. You were right.”

A certain father had struggled for some time to find a new job after he was laid off from his former one. Then one day a job materialized quite suddenly and unexpectedly for him. He later learned that one of his daughters and her fiancé had fasted and prayed that very weekend that he would find a job. That daughter had put her faith into action in sustaining her father as the head of the home. Children who have been taught to honor their father and his priesthood will carry that same respect into their own marriages.

“…Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.” (D&C 25:14) As we renew our commitment to make our husbands the head of our homes, the Lord will fulfill His promise to us, for He said in His revelation to Emma, “And verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my voice unto all…” (D&C 25:16) We will indeed find the delight He promised—in the glory which shall come upon our husbands as we help them fulfill the divine destiny that is theirs.