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Making Your
Family Your Best Friends
by Claudia
Goodman
The Proclamation
on the Family tells us, “Parents have a sacred duty…to teach [their
children] to love and serve one another.” Anyone who has been a
parent knows that it takes a lot more than telling children to “love
each other” and “be nice” to make it all happen. It takes a lifetime
of dedicated effort and example, repeated over and over again. And
most of all, it takes spending time together.
Sometimes we
need a pat on the back and a few fresh ideas to keep us going. Here
are ten tips our children claim had the most profound effect on
them in discovering that their family truly are their best friends:
#1: Provide
Good Role Models.
It goes without saying that the way the parents treat each other
and their children will affect their behavior more deeply than anything
else. In addition, we must guard against outside sources that can
influence them negatively. For example, one of the videos we allowed
our children to watch when they were young was Walt Disney’s “Swiss
Family Robinson.” It teaches good morals and is a delightful show.
However, we soon noticed that every time our children watched it,
they would shout and argue with each other for about a week. We
recognized their actions following the pattern of the two brothers
who were jealous of each other, and even though they became close
friends at the end of the movie, their negative patterns of behavior
earlier in the film stuck with our children. If a video as harmless
as “Swiss Family Robinson” can stimulate contention in young children,
how carefully we need to monitor the shows and other media we allow
in our homes!
#2: Speak
Kindly to Each Other.
At our house we have a rule that no one ever calls someone “dumb”
or “stupid” or says they “hate” anyone or anything. Our married
daughter Melissa said that a couple of times she had slipped and
said the word “stupid” when she was frustrated. A few days later
she heard her three-year-old daughter using the word “stupid.” She
pulled Bresciana aside and said, “Mommy made a mistake. ‘Stupid’
is not a nice word, and we don’t ever want to say it again.” She
and Bresciana worked together to make sure they avoided it.
A few days later
Bresciana was playing at a neighbor’s home. The mother used the
word “stupid” in her conversation. Bresciana laughed sweetly and
said, “We don’t say that, do we!” That neighbor learned a powerful
lesson from a child.
#3: Share
Bedrooms Whenever Possible.
In our case, sharing bedrooms was not an option with twelve
children! Everyone had to share, but interestingly enough, this
suggestion was right at the top of the list as one of our children’s
favorite for becoming best friends.
Sometimes it
was a wonderful experience, but in all honesty, about half the time,
it was a very “growing” experience. Shawn and Paul (three years
apart in age) still recall the time they shared a bedroom when Shawn
was in high school. Shawn was very tidy, and Paul was very sloppy.
Their room was constantly in shambles, despite Shawn’s tireless
efforts to keep it clean. It became a source of much contention,
in spite of my best efforts to encourage Paul to keep his room clean.
Finally I drew an imaginary line down the middle of the room and
moved all of Paul’s things to one side and all of Shawn’s to the
other. I told Shawn that he was only responsible for his half of
the room. On several occasions when he had friends over, I heard
Shawn say to them, “This is my side of the room, and that’s
Paul’s.” He wanted to make sure his friends were clear on that point.
Paul admits
that after about a month of no one bugging him about his room, he
became so embarrassed about how it looked that he watched Shawn
and learned how to keep his own area clean. “That experience changed
my life,” he later said, and pointed out that he was later to have
a similar influence when he shared a room with his younger brother
Mark.
#4: Spend
More Time with Family than Friends.
One of the easiest ways to accomplish this goal is to have a
lot of children close together. Then they always have someone to
play with. However, even with one child at home (which is our current
situation), family time still comes first.
We had an unspoken
rule that I quietly reinforced from the time the children started
school. Generally they did not play with friends after school, only
on the weekends. That way they got their homework and practicing
done and spent time with each other. Of course there were exceptions,
but usually they played together, and we found that they still had
plenty of time to spend with friends at school and on weekends.
Our daughter Julianne learned a powerful lesson when she was in
high school:
When I was
young, we moved several times. Each time we moved, I felt lonely
because I missed my friends. My mom would always remind me that
my family were my best friends. And they were. When I became a sophomore
in high school, I grew close to a wonderful group of friends. We
began spending more and more time together, which left less and
less time for my family. I would drop anything to be with my friends.
Finally,
my sisters and I decided we needed to plan a “sister’s night out,”
so that we could spend some time together. The planned-for night
came around. We’d been together for about an hour when the phone
rang. It was one of my friends, who said she was feeling bored and
lonely and wanted me to come over and do something with her. Without
thinking twice, I explained the situation to my sisters and then
rushed off.
I had a fun
time with my friend, but when I got home later that night, my mom
was waiting up for me. She said, “Do you know how much you hurt
your sisters? One of them said she felt like your friends were more
important to you than she was.”
When she said
that, it really hurt, because I knew it was true—that’s how
I’d been treating them. I had forgotten to show my own sisters that
I loved them. As I sat feeling sorry for myself, my dad came in.
I began talking to him, and he said something I’ll never forget.
He said, “Julianne, you’re not sealed to your friends. You’re sealed
to your family.” Let me repeat that. “You’re not sealed to your
friends. You’re sealed to your family.”
That night
I made a promise to myself and to the Lord that I would always put
my family first. I continued to be close to my friends, but now
instead of making plans with them and leaving the leftover time
for my family, I made plans with my family and left the rest for
friends and other priorities. I was surprised to find that I still
had enough time for my friends. To this day we still keep in close
contact and have fun together. But more importantly, through putting
my family first, I’ve been blessed with a close, irreplaceable bond
of love to each member. Nothing can replace the memories we’ve made
together.
#5. Work
through the Hard Times.
You may be thinking, “All these ideas are great for children
who naturally get along with each other. But some of mine fight
like cats and dogs. They definitely have a personality clash. I
don’t think they’ll ever be compatible.”
Most families
have children who struggle to get along with each other, and ours
were no exception. On a couple of occasions over the years, we even
found it advantageous to separate two children who had been sharing
a room with repeated flare-ups. A little time away from each other
actually made them better friends! Julianne reminded me of a talk
I had with her when she and her sister struggled for years to get
along. I finally told her that the scripture in Ether 12:27 about
our weaknesses becoming our strengths, applied to her, and that
as she continued to pray and work to become close to her sister,
it would happen over time. By the time they roomed together in college,
they truly became best friends.
Mark and David
had never been very close to each other growing up, because their
interests were so different. But as David entered junior high, he
and Mark decided to share a room, and as Mark helped David through
some struggles at school, they became very, very close—and
just in the nick of time. Less than two months later David was killed
in a car accident. How thankful Mark was to have those priceless
memories of his brother.
#6. Pray
for Each Other.
One of the best ways to make the children aware of each other’s
needs is to have them pray for each other. Over the years we have
seen miraculous healings, awards won, tests passed, lost items found,
and love restored through the power of united prayer. And we know
for a fact that some miracles require more than fasting, individual
prayers, and priesthood blessings. They require the united prayers
of the entire family.
I’ll never forget
the tender scene as Melissa opened a letter and discovered that
she had been named a semifinalist for the presidential scholarship
at BYU. Much more thrilling than the announcement was watching each
of her brothers and sisters engulfing her in a group hug as they
laughed and jumped up and down. They were as excited as she was!
It was an answer to all their prayers, not just hers.
#7: Assign
Partners if You Have Several Children
As our family grew, we found it a necessity to assign older
children to assist the younger ones, since there was more than I
could do. They helped the little ones get their food at mealtime
and taught them to do their jobs. Even having an older child help
a younger one make Christmas gifts brought a lot of joy. Having
the older children help out was a life-saver for me, but even more
important was the special bond of closeness that developed between
them. Especially on our concert tours, I noticed David having a
heart-to-heart talk with Paul, or Peter giving Christy a hug, or
LeAnne giggling with Julianne. Bonds of love grow through service.
#8. Help
Each Other Succeed.
Paul will never forget Christy coming to his baseball games
years ago. Julianne treasures her wedding gown that Marilee lovingly
altered for her. Most of the children attribute some of their school
success to the tutoring and creative input of older brothers and
sisters. Often the children away at college come home to attend
a younger sibling’s choir concert, birthday party, or graduation
ceremony. And whenever anyone takes the AP tests in high school
for college credit, they find their room decorated with “5’s” the
night before (the highest grade you can receive on an AP test).
All the children
have fond memories of helping Mark with his Junior Prom. It truly
became a family affair. Mark decided to save money by having the
dinner at our house. Paul and Mari agreed to help him decorate.
They turned the downstairs family room into a forest, with real
tree trunks and branches, black butcher paper on the ceiling with
stars painted on it, tables made from sawed-off tree stumps, and
so on. I did my part by allowing the project to proceed, even when
floods of ants crawled up the walls before Mark discovered that
one of his tree stumps was an ant bed! Shawn mailed him a CD of
forest sounds from Indiana. Melissa and Slate cooked a delicious
Italian dinner, which Paul served as the waiter. Mark borrowed his
brother-in-law Jared’s tux. Marilee made a corsage for Mark’s date
out of silk flowers. Mark charged all his friends who wanted to
come to the dinner a modest fee to cover the food and ended up spending
less than $5.00 on Prom—plus all his friends raved about his
“restaurant,” and he had a wonderful time—thanks to his family’s
support!
#9. Have
Fun Together!
Hopefully most of the things brothers and sisters do together
will be fun. We all need frequent breaks from the serious side of
life. The list of fun things to do is endless. Just being together—talking,
laughing, joking, eating, playing—is fun.
Sometimes doing
a project together can be very fulfilling. Shawn and Paul were very
excited when Mark had to make an insect collection in ninth grade.
I’m sure the requirement was simply an excuse for them all to do
something together that they enjoyed! In fact, the insect collection
has been expanding ever since—four years later! When most of
the children were at home, they often organized plays or productions
and recorded them on cassette tapes with sound effects. Now those
tapes are priceless.
Doing things
spur-of-the-moment can also be lots of fun. Christy and Julianne
recall the times in high school when they needed a break from homework.
Every now and then they would drive to Sconecutter and pick up an
order of fries or a shake. The children frequently ran out to the
backyard for a brief game of soccer or football before the afternoon
singing practice and homework began.
One of the best
things we did for our children happened when the oldest ones entered
junior high. We noticed that the casual amusements around the house
were no longer enough. They were looking for something new to do.
We realized that wholesome activities and good friends were not
readily available every single weekend, so we organized our own
parties for Friday and Saturday nights. Originally I was going to
have lots of clever games and activities and homemade refreshments
available, but reality quickly set in. Steve and I usually went
out on Friday nights, and with twelve children there was no time
to come up with something spectacular every week. So we settled
on videos and popcorn, or something else that was simple but yummy
(usually bought at the store). For a few years we gave each child
a video for his birthday. Before long we had quite a collection
of wholesome videos!
The Friday and
Saturday night tradition is still in full swing. All the children
love it and have carried it on into their own families. It’s so
casual that if they have an activity with friends, they can go and
enjoy it. But on those occasions when they don’t get a date to the
dance, or their friends are doing something they would rather not
do, there is still a great option for them to stay home and have
fun with the family!
#10. Sacrifice
for Each Other.
Why does a mother love her children so much? Because she has
given so much of her life for them. Why does Jesus Christ love us
so much? Because He paid for all our sins and sacrificed His life
willingly for us. How do brothers and sisters learn to treasure
each other? By sacrificing for them—especially when it hurts.
Every sacrifice
builds love, whether it is giving up a toy to make a sibling happy,
or giving up hard-earned money so that an older sister can go on
choir tour or a brother can serve a mission. There are countless
examples of sacrifice on a daily basis in a family. That’s what
builds the love. Here is just one example from our daughter Christy.
One of the
biggest lessons I learned during my four years at college was the
importance of balancing my time so that I could complete the big
important things, but also have time for the little things in life.
My first and second years at BYU, I struggled with trying to fit
work, school, and performing into an already hectic schedule. But
by my third year there, I thought I had things pretty well figured
out.
During that
time, I would go home fairly often for singing practice with my
family. One evening after practice, my ten-year-old sister LeAnne
said, “Christy, I have a great idea! Let’s have a sleepover—you
know, like the kind you have with your friends.” I told her that
sounded like fun, and then promptly forgot about the whole thing.
But LeAnne didn’t forget. Each time I went home, she would remind
me, “Christy, you promised we could have our sleepover!”
“Okay, tonight
we’ll do it,” I’d tell her. I honestly meant to, but things kept
coming up. It seemed like every time I tried to schedule our sleepover,
something else would interfere, and I’d get home after LeAnne was
already in bed.
Then one
night LeAnne came over to me, looked up at me with big, puppy-dog
eyes, and said, “Christy, we never had our sleepover.” I felt terrible.
Where were my priorities if I didn’t even have time to spend one
evening with my little sister? I looked at her and said, “Okay,
we’ll do it tonight.” True to my word, I cancelled all of my plans
for the evening, and we had our sleepover. We pulled out two sleeping
bags and talked and laughed and giggled—just two sisters having
fun together.
I didn’t
know it at the time, but that was the last sleepover I would ever
have with my little sister LeAnne. She was killed in a car accident
two weeks later. That was hard. I was grateful for the time I had
spent with LeAnne, but it was hard for me to realize that I could
never go back and make up for the times when I had said, “Sorry,
LeAnne. I’m too busy right now,” or “I don’t have time right now,
but how about next week?” I learned the hard way that we can’t go
back and make up for yesterday or go forward and change tomorrow.
What we can do is make time for the important things in life
today.
“By Their
Fruits Ye Shall Know Them.”
The seeds planted when children are very small grow slowly,
but eventually they flower and bear fruit. And the good news is
that you can plant seeds at any time, as long as you remember that
they take a little time to mature.
Now we are reaping
the joy of the price we paid years ago. We have watched our children
beg to share rooms, even when it leaves several bedrooms empty.
The have shared lockers at school and organized double, triple,
even quadruple dates, just because they enjoy being together. Three
of our girls took their dad to the high school Sweethearts Ball,
just for fun! Since two of our children are in the Midwest, several
of the others have saved enough money to go out and visit them—because
they wanted to.
Now Aimee is
the only one left at home. The others seem to understand how lonely
that is for her. Mark and Marilee include a note to her in every
missionary letter they write, and the others call and email her
frequently. Andrea has made every effort to stay in close touch
with her from BYU. She and Aimee now enjoy a precious relationship,
made strong and sure through bridging little ups and downs from
the past.
Life is wonderful
when your family are your best friends. Others may come and go,
but the members of your family will always be there for you—no
matter what happens—forever.
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