I'm so grateful for the opportunity that the Proctors and Meridian have given me to share the "experience, strength and hope" I have been blessed with in the 28 years since I was first introduced to the 12 Step program myself.

This month, I would like to begin addressing the 12 steps or in other words, the principles of the gospel that are the principles upon which we find access to and personal experience with the Atonement of Christ for our own sake-here and now. I don't think anyone would argue that as circumstances in the world become more and more disheartening, we wouldn't all benefit from what one fellow quoted in the Ensign article called a "program [that] simplified the gospel in a way that I could apply the testimony I had always had."

Since it would take us an entire year to cover all 12 principles here in this monthly column, I think it would be good to address the steps by grouping them into the following five categories:

The surrender steps: 1-3
The inventory steps: 4-5
The "mighty change of heart" steps: 6-7
The amends steps: 8-9
The maintenance steps: 10-12

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This month I'd like to share how the Book of Mormon convinced me of the validity of the surrender steps (steps 1-3) and provided a confirming witness that I needed to open a very honest, personal relationship with God if I ever hoped to have His power flow into my life and alleviate my addictive inclinations. I was doing this study of the Book of Mormon very slowly, taking time to ponder (prayerfully write about) any verse that stood out to me.

I guess it was because of my slow method of studying that I had eyes to see and ears to hear what I had never seen or heard before in Mosiah 4:14, a verse that I had always heard as a mandate of what I should do in parenting my children. This time as I read it, I saw that it was not a mandate or command at all! Instead, I saw that it was a promised result I could expect if I would first focus on my relationship with God. Wait! Wasn't that exactly the same process of change that the steps offered me?

Spiritual Dyslexia

In the final decades of the 19th century a learning disorder was identified and the term "dyslexia" was coined. It was found that individuals suffering its effects often perceive letter and word sequence in reverse. Even the plainest and simplest of statements can become frustrating puzzles to otherwise bright people who face this challenge. Children so afflicted will often exhibit dysfunctional, self-defeating behaviors that are actually symptomatic of their underlying frustration at not being able to keep up in the school environment.

You may be able to appreciate my surprise when, as I studied the Book of Mormon seeking to either discount or validate the 12-step program, I discovered that I was suffering from what could only be defined as a form of spiritual dyslexia. As I read, the Book of Mormon became "Another Testament of Jesus Christ" to me in a singular way, and it was in the midst of this awakening to my personal need for a Savior that I recognized my spiritual dyslexia.

For so many years, reading backwards, putting the command to be righteous ahead of the power to be righteous (found in Jesus Christ), I had not found the gospel either easy or simple. (See 1 Nephi 17:41.) Instead, I often felt frustrated and bewildered as I tried to muster my own power to obey and to perform every duty I took on in order to define myself as "worthy." Spiritually, I had reversed the order of 2 Corinthians 3:16 which states, "the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life."

Intensifying my performance and seeking to improve my appearance, I lived as if it was the "letter of the law" that would give me access to the life I so desperately needed to find oneness with-the life (the power, the character, the person) of Jesus Christ. Focusing upon my own merits (righteous efforts) I only occasionally glimpsed the joy and peace that being a Latter-day Saint was supposed to bring. In an attempt to fortify and defend myself against my frequently stressed and discouraged feelings, I turned to several addictive behaviors (ones I could get away with without losing my temple recommend) to shield me from the truth of how poorly I was "keeping up" in this classroom of mortality.

Mandate of Promise?

As I mentioned earlier, one of the most detrimental examples of how I so often reversed the order of the Lord's words in the scriptures, is contained in the dyslexic way I heard Mosiah 4:14, usually quoted in a parenting lesson. This is where King Benjamin is speaking to his people and says, "And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another..."

I cannot tell you how many times, with those words still ringing in my ears, I would load my twelve children in the van to drive home from church, and before we could even get out of the parking lot World War III would have erupted. As each arguing voice pierced my heart, those words, "You shall not . . ." fell on my head like a pile-driver, driving all hope from my heart of ever obeying this commandment.

This time, however, as I was led by the Spirit to pause and ponder over v. 14, I flipped back to the previous page in the Book of Mormon and there it was, right in front of my eyes-the truth I had finally read slowly enough to retain: And behold, I say unto you that if ye will do this, . . ."Like a starving person, I scanned even further, up through the previous verses. Where did the "this" referred to in verse 12 begin? I found the beginning in verse 9: "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things . . ." On went the words through the end of verse 11, and as I read, I realized that I was reading the description of a spiritually correct relationship with God.

By the time I got back to verse 12, it was clear to me that verse 14 is not a mandate or commandment to me; it is one of the promised results that would flow out of getting my relationship with God in order.

I have to admit to you, this was a huge "Helen Keller" moment for me. I felt as if someone was holding my hand under the water and spelling "w-a-t-e-r" into my other hand. Inside, I began to react the way Helen did when things suddenly made sense to her. I was getting it!! I was finally getting it! Getting what? The fact that "my" righteousness (as if "I" can ever hope to drum some up without the Savior's power-see John 15:5) was not something I had to do to qualify for a relationship with Him. It was the other way around: The power to relate to my children as described in Mosiah 4:14-15 would flow out of my right relationship with God which (as King Benjamin had just so powerfully testified) included admitting that God has all power and all wisdom both in heaven and in earth and that only in coming unto Him and being perfected in Him (through His perfection, not mine)would I ever be able to free myself from the ungodly ways I had learned to cope with mortality.

Salvation Comes to Him Who Trusts the Lord

In other words, Mosiah 4:12 was the fulcrum or point of support around which my dyslexic tendency to rely on my own "righteousness" was revealed. As I read with eyes to see and a heart (being softened by 12-step recovery) to understand, I was able to hear King Benjamin's plea to put God's power and wisdom ahead of my own. We must surrender ourselves to the kind of relationship with God as described by Benjamin in these words:

"Believe that he is" (v. 9). Believe that Jesus Christ is a living entity, available to each of us personally this very day and hour, through both the light of Christ and the Holy Ghost. We must get over the holding pattern mentality that Christ was only among us in the meridian of time or yet will be in His second coming. We must come unto Him now. And like manna, His companionship must be sought each new day. We must learn to trust Him whose way is the way of manna and not of worry. After all, Christ Himself declared His own position in time and power by His very name "I AM" (D&C 29:1).

"That he created all things" (v. 9). Believe that Christ created all things and that He is the instrument of the Father manifest in all creation. The power embodied in Him is the power that created the sun, moon, stars and earth (D&C 88:7). He is the power by which worlds without number were created (Moses 1:35). He is the very power by which we each move and think and have our being (Mosiah 2:21, D&C 88:48).

"Believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth" (v. 9). Believe that we can counsel with Christ in all our doings-that no subject is too trivial or too intimate. It is He to whom we should direct all our thoughts (Alma 37:36), the unworthy as much, if not more, than the worthy. He is the one who can direct our anger, unravel our frustration, and still our fears, if we will only come unto Him. How foolish we are to turn away from God in those very moments we need Him most.

"Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend" (v. 9). Always remember to give credit to God, not yourself, for your success in any area. The degree of self-mastery prophets achieve is not a reflection of any extraordinary ability of their own to comprehend anything, but of the power of the Master to whom they surrender in all things (2 Nephi 4:19-20). If we would always remember, even as they, that it is His grace that is "sufficient for [us]" (Moroni 10:32) and not our own "unprofitable" efforts (Mosiah 2:21), then "in nowise [could we] deny the power of God" (Moroni 10:32). We will not achieve true self-mastery until we are willing to turn our "selves" over to the Master.

"Repent of your sins... and humble yourselves before God" (v. 10).Realize that humility and repentance are the key principles in our Heavenly Father's plan, not perfection and pride. Only when we "come down in the depths of humility," realizing that we are "fools" (2 Nephi 9:42) compared to God, will we be willing to do the in-depth soul-searching that breaks and lays open our hearts (2 Nephi 2:7). And if the heart is not opened and cleansed, no amount of perfection on the outside will mask it before God (1 Samuel 16:7).

"Always retain in remembrance... your own nothingness and his goodness" (v. 11). Remember the goodness of God and our own nothingness comparatively. Even after Nephi had become a great prophet, he retained in remembrance his own "wretchedness" (2 Nephi 4:17), giving God credit for his support (v. 20). He acknowledged plainly that it was "the robes of [the Lord's] righteousness" (v. 33) and not any power or worthiness of his own that made him a free man.

"Calling on the name of the Lord daily" (v. 11). While Christ Himself would counsel us to go before our Father in Heaven in prayers of praise, honor, and appreciation, the Father would, in turn, direct us to hear His Beloved Son, in whom He is well pleased (Joseph Smith History 1:17). In our need, puzzlement, sinning and suffering, Christ is, through the administration of the Holy Spirit, the source of our guidance. There is nothing in which we cannot turn to Him.

"Standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come" (v. 11).
Every day will bring relapses into "sin," into thoughts, words or actions that distance us from God and others. If we are to retain what we have obtained, we must keep our relationship with the Savior explicitly honest and continue to seek His atoning intercession with the Father (Hebrews 7:25). Standing steadfast in hope for ourselves and faith in Christ, we must realize that it takes time to rid ourselves of the "old ways." Our nature has been changed, not our past. Neither have our bodies been changed. We are still subject to hunger, fatigue, etc. We must give ourselves allowance for these imperfections and be willing to admit them and accept them. When we relapse we must not get discouraged or despair that these principles do not work. We must keep trusting in God, realizing that often His pattern is to ease our burden before relieving our bondage altogether (Mosiah 24:14).

If our hearts are changed we can be absolutely certain that we will see that change begin to manifest itself outwardly, albeit gradually. Celestial glory will continue to increase in us as we continue to turn to it (D&C 88:40).

Guaranteed Success

Next, King Benjamin begins to rehearse the guaranteed results of focusing on the preceding adjustments of perspective and priority in relationship to God. God's changes always begin within. President Benson once stated: "The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people" (First Presidency Message, Ensign, July 1989, p. 4).

Each of these promises begin with "Ye shall":

"Always rejoice" (v. 12). I experienced this transcendent miracle of joy even in the most challenging circumstances when in 1989 I opened my door to a highway patrolman bearing news of my oldest daughter's sudden death in an automobile accident. Through her funeral, at which the Lord gave me strength to speak, I was suspended in a state of joy, not shock, as most people thought. Why? Because learning to understand the first three steps (honesty, hope, and surrender to God's will) in the light of King Benjamin's words gave me the gift of faith in God's goodness and benevolence-that He has all wisdom and all power and that I could trust Him in all things forever.

"Be filled with the love of God" (v. 12). Today I am "filled with the love of God"-not just His love for me, but even more importantly, my love for Him. His love had patiently stood at the door and knocked, but it wasn't until my love finally answered that the essential two-way connection was made that has changed my heart (Jacob 6:5). It wasn't until I began to see His intervention everywhere, in every coincidence, that I became filled to overflowing with love for Him.

"Always retain a remission of your sins" (v.12). As I have become humble and honest enough in His presence to share even my worst mistakes, I have watched in amazement as those very mistakes are consecrated unto my gain by His charity and power. Today, I do not have a past that I regret. Instead I have only a glorious history of lessons-finally learned. I have found, however, that the hour I cease to retain in my remembrance this relationship with Him, I lose that peace that passeth understanding. I find myself relapsing into a state of fear, guilt and resentment. I regress into a "natural man... an enemy to God" (Mosiah 3:19).

"Grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you... of that which is just and true" (v. 12). In other words we will grow in the gift of personal revelation borne to us through the medium of the Holy Ghost. It was because of this promised blessing that I knew from the moment I heard of my daughter's death that it was all right; it was just and true.

"Ye will not have a mind to injure one another" (v. 13). Our dispositions will be changed. We will have no desire to do evil (to ourselves or others) but will desire to do good continually (Mosiah 5:2). It was this change that brought me to a place where I did not have to count calories or restrain a voracious appetite. As long as I put God first, I simply had no more desire to hurt myself with food; I ceased to overeat and thus lost weight.