by
Darla Isackson
The
morning of September 27, 2004 dawned bright and clear. I went
about my morning chores little guessing that the day would bring
me greater sorrow than I had ever known. Just before noon three
plain clothes members of the South Salt Lake Police Department
appeared at my door to bring me the news that my second son Brian,
age 33, was dead--by his own hand. Sometime during the night
he had slit his wrists. His room-mate had discovered him in the
morning.
How
does one assimilate such news? How can a mother’s heart bear such
sorrow? How many tears can one person cry and not dry up and wither
into nothingness? Yet amazingly, as I’ve sobbed out the grief
of decades of sorrow with a son who left the Church in his teens
and made some poor choices, I’ve found a cleansing, strengthening
power in tears. Every person I’ve cried with I’ve drawn closer
to. Mutual tears have forged a bond of love that is quite undefinable.
Amazingly,
too, my tears of sorrow have been mixed with tears of gratitude--for
the love of family and friends, for the gospel that offers an
iron rod to cling to, for the scriptures that are full of comfort
and the promises of the Lord, for time I’ve been given the last
few years to know my son a little better and appreciate him a
lot more. I love my son with all my heart and can only bear the
realities of this situation because of my faith in God, the love,
mercy, and atonement of Christ, and my unfailing faith in the
hereafter. How does anyone survive such sorrow without sustaining
faith, without the Comforter?
All
through these difficult, tear-filled days, I have had a deep inner
sense of blessings beginning to bud and blossom--things I have
prayed for fervently over the years beginning to be fulfilled.
I am inclined to cry out, “Oh Father, I wanted a broken heart
and a contrite spirit--but not this way! I wanted to feel progress
in the cleansing and sanctification of my heart; I wanted to know
firsthand the power of the Atonement for me and for my loved ones--but
not this way! I wanted closer family relationships, to have heart-to-heart
talks with family and friends, to be able to give and receive
the pure love of Christ--but not this way! I wanted to raise my
voice in pure testimony of the reality of the Savior’s love and
his intercession on our behalf--but not this way! I wanted a more
close connection with the spirit world, to be able to sense its
reality and have greater hope for spiritual help in my efforts
to do temple work for the dead--but not this way!” However “my
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,
saith the Lord.” (Isaiah 55:8) Little do I understand the ways
He fulfills His purposes in my life. He grants men agency and
honors it at all costs--but when those we love make decisions
that wrench our very heartstrings, He is mighty to fulfill his
promise that “all things shall work together for your good” (D&C
90:24).
Spiritual
Help to Deal with the Crisis
The
day Brian died my compassionate bishop appeared at our door buoying
us up with his presence. He gave me a priesthood blessing that
included the words (as nearly as I can remember) “Listen carefully
to what I am about to say because these are the very words of
the Lord to you. You should not spend one moment going
back and worrying about what you might have done differently.
You did everything that could possibly be expected and the Lord
accepts that.” These words save my spiritual sanity.
Each
time I go back in my mind searching for anything I had missed
doing, anything that could have made “the difference,” I tell
myself “Stop! Remember the words in the blessing.” I suggest
that these words apply to most of us in most situations. As parents
and spouses and friends we do all we know to do and if we could
have done better, we would have. (This week I was told of a suicide
where the parents blamed themselves and each other to the point
that their marriage and lives were destroyed--three lives were
lost instead of one. How useless to compound the tragedy.) In
the situation with Brian we all thought he was doing better; none
of us had a clue of the depth of Brian’s current pain so we couldn’t
respond to what we didn’t know.
Where
Can I Turn for Peace?
As
much as I wanted to hide from the fact, I knew that Brian’s choice
to take his own life was a grievous sin. In the shadowy night
that followed Brian’s death I paced the floor and sobbed for assurance
that Brian was in the arms of the Savior’s love, not cast into
some cold spirit prison to suffer continuing anguish and torment.
Oh, how I wanted to hold him, comfort him, assure him of my love
and the Lord’s love. I repeated over and over in my mind more
words from the bishop’s blessing, “One of the purposes of the
Atonement is to take away our grief and heal our hearts. Give
Him your grief and He will be with you and comfort you. Remember
that the Atonement is even this minute reaching your son Brian.
Only the Lord knows his heart. God is a generous and merciful
God. He will give Brian the absolute maximum that He can.” I hung
onto those words, but still wanted additional reassurance.
One
of my sons, Scott, works a night security job; the morning after
I had learned of Brian’s death, I had an e-mail from him. “I've
been grieving for Brian during the night, but in the end I feel
very uplifted and cheered concerning his state.” Scott reminded
me of a woman’s near-death experience where she was allowed to
see the spirit of a man others looked down on. She saw he was
a great and noble person--like the spirit we had often felt in
Brian in spite of his problems. I remembered reading that those
who are lured into the counterfeit “ups” of substance abuse are
often tender-hearted souls chafing under the bleakness of mortality
and yearning for life to be more beautiful.
Comforting
Words from an Apostle of the Lord
A
daughter-in-law, Traci, brought us a booklet called Suicide
by M. Russell Ballard. (His thoughts first appeared in the Ensign
October, 1987, and now appear as a Deseret Book product.) The
booklet gave us many answers and comforted our aching hearts.
Here are some quotes which reflect my testimony and offer reassurance
to all who grieve in the wake of a loved one’s suicide:
Elder
Ballard made it clear that suicide is a sin, but then explained,
“I feel that judgment for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as
some of us seem to think. The Lord said, ‘Thou shalt not kill.’
Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned,
no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are
gradations in this matter--from accidental manslaughter to self-defense
to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord recognizes differences
in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life
mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced
or otherwise emotionally disturbed? [Depression and chemical imbalance
make it impossible to think beyond current pain and mental torment.]
. . . Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of
the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that
led to despair and a loss of self-control? . . . Only the Lord
knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions
here on earth.
“When
he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration:
our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual
capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our
fathers our health, and so forth.
“We
learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for
the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning
them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11)
“.
. . Thankfully, the Prophet Joseph Smith taught this enlightening
doctrine: “While one portion of the human race is judging and
condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe
looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care
and paternal regard. . . He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge
all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men,
but ‘according to . . . Their deeds. . . their means of obtaining
intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities
afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable
designs in relation to the human family.”
Elder
Ballard told the story of woman whose father committed suicide
and she had the impression there would be something she could
do to help him, but not being a member of the Church had no idea
what that was. Years later she joined the Church, had his work
done and said, “I have a strong feeling that he has accepted both
ordinances and is greatly blessed by it.”
Then
he continues, “I believe the Lord will consider each case separately
and judge the circumstances of each individual. I have sincerely
sought direction from our Father in Heaven to help me understand
the nature of suicide. And I have come to know, as well as anything
else that I know from God, that these people have a place in the
kingdom of our Father, and it is not one of darkness or despair,
but one where they can receive comfort and experience serenity.
“Only
our Father in Heaven knows the full answer to the questions
our hearts ask regarding those who take their own lives . .
. But it is clear that hope exists. In vision President Joseph
F. Smith saw the work of salvation proceeding among the dead,
and wrote:
“I
beheld that the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they
depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching
of the gospel of repentance and redemption, through the sacrifice
of the Only Begotten Son of God, among those who are in darkness
and under the bondage of sin in the great world of the spirit
of the dead.
‘The
dead who repent will be redeemed, through obedience to the ordinances
of the hours of God,
“And
after they have paid the penalty of their transgressions, and
are washed clean, shall receive a reward according to their
works, for they are heirs of salvation.” (D&C 138:57-59)
Elder
Ballard concluded, “I am grateful for the great plan of salvation
our Father in Heaven has provided for us. It is a plan of great
fairness and a plan of great love. As I think about the worry
and agony of those whose loved one has taken his or her own
life, I find deep comfort and faith in the Lord’s promise and
blessing to us who remain in mortality: “Peace I leave with
you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give
I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be
afraid.” (John 14:27)
Additional
Understanding of the Atonement
One
of the things I struggled with after Brian’s death was the seeming
unfairness of his life circumstances. I wondered why he was
born into dysfunctional circumstances where he didn’t get the
mentoring and understanding he needed, where he was not treated
well at school or in his ward, where so many factors motivated
him to turn away from the vital support of family and church,
where he had known of or received little help to deal with his
depression and other problems.
I
wondered why his every effort (and he made many) to establish
himself in a career had turned to dust, why he had lived his
whole adult life under a black cloud of “bad luck.” I found
myself recounting an incredibly long list of things that had
gone wrong for him and wondering how anyone could have held
up under that onslaught year after year. How can it be fair
that some people are born into situations where they seem to
receive what they need, get every opportunity for education
and economic advantages, for the development and use of their
talents, and others seem to get so little? Why some are blessed
with sound minds and others plagued their whole life with depression
or mental illness or chemical imbalances? I grieved all over
again the difficulty of Brian’s life when I knew that his spirit
was so good and that he was intelligent and talented.
Then
my sister’s neighbor brought over an article called “Blessings
of the Atonement” by Larry St. Clair and asked her to give it
to me. Brother St. Clair spoke of the way he came to understand
the “compensatory nature of the Atonement---the sweet and gentle
way that Christ atones for the unfairness, inequity, unkindness,
and evil which involuntarily comes into the lives of His children.”
He told of his experience of being asked to speak at the funeral
of a young man who had committed suicide after 21 years of life
in a disadvantaged family whose whole existence seemed marked
by bad luck, lack of opportunity and tragedy. He had been home
teacher to this family for a time and spent hours with this
son, whose name was David, attempting to give him support.
In
preparation for his talk he tried desperately to understand
why David and this whole family had had to endure so much. He
prayed fervently to learn what the Lord wanted him to say, but
was filled with dread because nothing came. His soul complained
to the Lord that life was so unfair and that this boy never
had a chance. He continued to pray with his whole soul, but
it was only during the prelude music for the funeral that he
got his answer--he was given a vision of David in the arms of
Christ. In the vision, the Savior looked at Brother St. Clair
and said, “My son David is all right now. I love him and I will
heal and make him whole again. You must not worry about David
any longer; no one can cause him pain or grief ever again.”
Finally, the Lord told Brother St. Clair what he wanted him
to say. When his time to speak came Brother St. Clair shared
this vision and explained to those gathered that the unfairness,
unkindness and tragedy of David’s life had been completely swallowed
up through the power of Christ’s atonement. He said, “I now
knew that in the final analysis a significant portion of the
atonement of Jesus Christ was dedicated to compensating for
the unwarranted bitterness of mortality. I took great hope from
the fact that I now know that the Davids of this world will
ultimately be loved and healed and made whole again through
the infinite goodness and love of the Master himself. And for
the first time in my life I understood how very, very much Christ
loved me.”
I don’t
think for a minute that all is peace and serenity on the other
side for someone who commits suicide. This dangerous myth has
sometimes spawned more suicide in the aftermath. Death does
not shield us from the consequences of our actions or the sorrow
for sin necessary for repentance. The Savior is a Being of light
and truth, and knowing the truth can be painful; but it can
also bring profound relief from the lies of Satan and the lack
of realization of one’s own worth. I believe Brian feels
pain and regret for the sorrow he has caused others and for
the untold possibilities he has chosen to sidestep. However,
I believe he now has some vital things he lacked here: hope
in Christ, knowledge of how to access the atonement, and a recognition
that he is a precious son of God who is loved beyond measure.
No matter how much
comfort there may be in the Savior’s mercy and goodness
to those who choose to take their own lives, I feel that Brian
would tell us now that the most important decision any of us
can make is to stay the course, finish the race, endure to the
end. Only God knows when we have learned all we were sent here
to learn and served all those He has sent us to serve. I can’t
help but feel that Brian’s pain would be deepened, his
regrets magnified greatly, should any of his friends or relatives
choose a similar “way out.”
We honor those who left us only by living better and more faithfully
in the years we have left. My beloved daughter-in-law, Heidi,
said in her talk at Brian’s service, “Through the
Savior’s atonement we do not fear death but we are also
commanded to choose life . . . let us fill our hearts with more
love for one another, more kindness, more forgiveness. May our
hands reach out to other Brians that might be struggling. Most
of all let us look on each new day as a gift from God to touch
someone else's life. May God use every one of us as an instrument.
True healing comes through Christ and through service. The Savior
said, “As I have loved you, love one another.”
More
Comfort from the Bishop
At
Brian’s memorial service, our good bishop was the concluding
speaker. He said that in the couple of days he had been pondering
this situation that only one scripture had come repeatedly to
his mind: when the Savior was on the cross and looked down with
compassion on those who were putting him to death and said,
“Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” He said
he felt strongly that Jesus was at this moment interceding for
Brian with the Father and saying, “Father forgive him, for he
knew not what he was doing.” He said that the Lord is infinitely
merciful and forgiving and that He would give Brian the most
grace and love and mercy that he possibly could. I believe that
these same comforting words apply to most if not all suicide
cases.
Brian’s
Gifts to Me
In
retrospect, Brian life and death have given me great gifts.
He taught me the meaning of the scripture in 1 Sam 16:7 “the
Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward
appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” I know the Lord
knows Brian’s heart; he had a way of looking at other people’s
hearts that was not judgmental, and he had a keen aversion to
hypocrisy. I was raised in a home that was judgmental, where
there was a very narrow definition of acceptable behavior. I
was raised in a climate where the emphasis was placed on DOING
rather than BEING--and Brian has helped squashed that out of
me. He taught me that it is who we ARE--not just what we DO
that matters.
Brigham
Young said these thought-provoking Words, "When the books
are opened, out of which the human family are to be judged,
how disappointed the professedly sanctified, long-faced hypocrites
and smooth-toned pharisees will be, when the publicans and harlots
enter into the kingdom of heaven before them; people that appeared
to be full of evil, but the Lord says they never designed to
do wrong; the devil had power over them, and they suffered
in their mortal state a thousand times more than you poor, miserable,
canting, cheating, snivelling, hypocritical pharisees."
Brian
taught me charity. He loved all kinds of people and they
loved him back. The place where he worked closed down in order
that all might come to honor his memory. Brian taught me compassion.
As he grew up he was tenderhearted and sensitive. He was aware
of my overwhelm and reticent to state his own needs. When I
cried he was always concerned and would pat me and want to know
what was wrong.
Because
of Brian, I learned to pray with all my heart and soul for another
human being, and sense a little of how the Lord must feel when
we will not accept His gifts and do not listen to His voice.
I had to learn to finally accept the timetable of the Lord,
and His utter respect for agency. I had to learn to say “Thy
will be done.” A scripture in D&C 101:16 became my daily
source of comfort as I substituted Brian’s name for the word
“Zion.” “Let your heart be comforted concerning Brian; for all
flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.” That
scripture applies even more now. I experienced a mighty change
of heart in regard to Brian as I changed from anger at his seeming
thoughtlessness and bad choices, to an outpouring of love as
the Lord led me to understand the integrity of Brian’s soul.
My
biggest grief has been that I myself did not learn the central
message of the gospel until Brian was out of our home. Consequently,
I couldn’t teach it to him when he was a child, and when he
was an adult he didn’t want to hear it. Early on it seems like
we were caught up with trying to do all the right things so
we wouldn’t need to repent rather than understanding that the
purpose of life is to learn our nothingness without God, our
utter need to turn to the Lord daily, and our dependence on
the love and grace and mercy of the Lord. I trust that Brian
will now be in a situation where he can truly learn the power
of the Atonement and feel the love of Christ.
The
Blessing of Brian Ministering to Me
A
few years ago when Brian chose to reach out to me for help,
he gave me the gift of his presence, his trust, his love. I
was overwhelmed with the goodness of his spirit, the maturity
of his personality in spite of the demons he was struggling
with. He confided that he had first felt suicidal when he was
fifteen. It broke my heart that his dad and I had been clueless--so
wrapped up in our own concerns, so busy trying to provide and
“do all the right thing” that we had been utterly unaware of
the deep pain in this child’s soul.
The
day after he told me about this I couldn’t quit thinking about
it--it required such a total change in my paradigm, a total
realignment of my perspective of the reality of those years.
I developed a raging headache and had to go lay down. Brian
brought a chair and sat at the foot of the bed and rubbed my
feet. For years I had yearned to minister to this lost son,
and here, suddenly, he was ministering to me. Brian taught
me the importance of expressing constantly our love and appreciation
for each other and making as sure as we possibly can that they
feel it and know it and understand how priceless they are to
us.
A
Voice of Testimony
In
his last final desperate act, Brian gave me the gift of the
necessity of feeling after the Lord to maintain my spiritual
sanity--of searching the scriptures, of praying with my whole
soul for comfort and reassurance that Brian is all right, and
of reaching out to family members and dear friends and feeling
their love and support. One last thing Brian gave me was the
gift of a setting where I could bear my testimony to my children
Through my life experiences I have been led to completely evaluate
my perspectives about the gospel--I have searched and prayed
and sometimes even doubted. I have studied the scriptures and
asked all over again for a testimony of their truthfulness and
an understanding of how they apply to me.
I
have recognized my former self-righteousness and pride and hope
it has been burned out of me by the refiner’s fire. Through
it all I have received thousands of spiritual witnesses that
the gospel is true . . . . So many times I have opened my scriptures
to the exact verse I needed, so many times the Lord has reaffirmed
my testimony that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ, that
the Church has been restored, that the Atonement extends to
us all, that the Lord loves us more than we can imagine. Through
it all I have learned that we can trust the Lord--no matter
what.
I’ve
written many articles on trusting the Lord no matter what. I
will re-read them tearfully in these coming weeks, grateful
for that understanding and commitment. I will see the words
with new eyes, feel them with a new heart. I remember hearing
two analogies about faith that now have vibrant significance
in my life:
1. that it is easy to walk a two by four laying on the ground,
but not so easy if that narrow board is stretched across a deep
chasm.
2. It is easy to trust the strength of a rope until you are
dangling by it over a precipice and your life depends on it.
I
am now walking that two by four across the deep chasm, dangling
by my rope of faith over a precipice of sorrow--experiencing
a true test of faith. I must pray constantly for the Lord’s
Spirit to guide my thoughts and feelings away from useless regret
and toward hope in Christ. Suddenly words of hymns and scriptures
that I loved but took for granted are alive with fiery meaning.
Verses like Moroni 7:41 ring with new and deeper meaning: “And
what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that
ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power
of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this
because of your faith in him according to the promise.” Verses
like Alma 34:16 “And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice,
and encircles them in the arms of safety. . . “ are like balm
to my soul.
A
sign hung on Brian’s wall in his own handwriting that said:
“Life is not an exact science. Life is an art. Life is the art
of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.”
I pray that Brian is now learning more sufficient premises--I
believe his good heart will be open and willing to feel and
learn the hope and joy of the gospel of Jesus Christ, that he
will accept the love and grace and mercy of the Savior who loves
him so very much. Brian’s presence was like a rare treasure
to his family. He chose to stay away so much, but nothing ever
felt complete or quite right unless he was with us--and it never
will until he is with us all again. I know that I will see Brian
again, that he lives this moment in a different realm where
he is being comforted and tutored and loved and healed. I believe
explicitly in the many scriptural promises such as Alma 40:23
“The soul shall be restored to the body. “ and 1 Cor 1: 9-10
“We should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth
the dead . . . In whom we trust that he will yet deliver us.”
I’ve
learned that the level of trust and faith I desire are gifts
of the Spirit that I must pray for daily. I will pray
to be able to trust God--no matter what, to believe in the promises--no
matter what. I find comfort and peace in so many scriptures
such as the 23rd Psalm: “Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with
me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Jeremiah 41:3: For
I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them,
and make them rejoice from their sorrow.” I will yet embrace
my son and weep tears of joy with him at our reunion. I pray
that Brian knows this very minute that I love him with all my
heart. I thank God for my faith and for the comfort and assurance
and peace that comes from no other source but Him.
