Education Series, Part Five
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here for Part 1 Part
2 Part 3
Part 4
This is Part 5 in a series on education. Each part
can be enjoyed separately, but all the series is found in Meridian’s archives.
Thanks,
dear readers, for your many responses! This article and the remaining
articles in this series will primarily be taken from interviews
and e-mails from parents. I have received dozens of responses
from parents who are finding answers to the education dilemma.
Most of the responses have been from those finding ways to circumvent
traditional public schools, or combine elective classes in public
schools with private, charter, online, co-op, or homeschool core
curriculum. Articles will follow on each of these subjects. This
particular article will focus on helping parents whose children
are attending public schools now.
A
few readers have expressed solid support for public education
“as is.” For example, a reader from Payson, Arizona, said, “I have spent
32 years working in the public schools. What imperfect public
schools need is more involvement by LDS families, not a retreat
to the way things were . . . In a recent conference talk, Pres.
Thomas S. Monson urged us to support our public schools. . . .
Let us be in the world, not of the world, but certainly in the
world, not in retreat from it.”
I
personally believe the time will come when the Lord will tell
us to retreat from the world--a time when we will find safety
only in Zion cities of refuge. But what do we do in the meantime?
The quote from Thomas S. Monson that this brother is likely referring
to is one I have cited previously: "The Church has always
had a vital interest in public education and encourages its members
to participate in parent-teacher activities and other events designed
to improve the education of our youth." [Precious Children,
a Gift from God," Ensign, June 2000, p, 2). The Church
does have an intense interest in public schools because that is
where most LDS children are, and because the Church is vitally
concerned with education itself--gaining knowledge. Wise parents
will prayerfully consider major decisions in regard to their children’s
education. Perhaps you are a parent like me who has previously
been unaware of the many educational options available--and you
couldn’t pray about what you didn’t know about. Many new ideas
are opening up to pray about. Or perhaps you have been aware,
and after prayerful consideration have felt that the public school
your child is attending is the best choice for now. We all need
to honor each parent’s position.
The
reality is that the vast majority of LDS children still attend
public schools, and every parent who has a child in public school
would want to be involved and to support those schools in every
way that could possibly benefit their children. I believe that
part of Satan’s plan is to get parents so busy that they don’t
even know what is going on in the schools.
We
Need More Concerned Parents--Like You!
The
need for parents to know what their children are learning and
experiencing, has never been greater. The need for wise parental
guidance has never been greater. Yet the trend is for frantically
busy, over-extended parents to be less and less involved with
their children and with the schools they attend.
A
full-time mother in my neighborhood went back to teaching for
a few months when another teacher was unable to complete her contract
in 2003. She taught at a middle school and was appalled to learn
that the school was considering dropping parent-teacher conferences
because fewer than 40 percent of the parents were showing up!
It
appears that many parents are relinquishing the responsibility
for their children’s education to a system that no longer sees
teaching the most basic traditional values such as honesty and
morality as part of its agenda. And by law the public school system
can contribute nothing to our children in the way of a religious
foundation.
It
seems vital to look at specific ways parents can support and strengthen
their children who are attending public schools and attempt to
make up for the deficiencies in public education. We need to learn
to deal with public schools in the most effective way possible,
and do all we can to counterbalance the negative influences our
children face daily.
Different
Schools, Different Challenges
While
they all share certain characteristics and limitations, the reality
is that public schools can differ as much as the personalities
and value systems of those who run them. Some school boards, principals,
and teaching staffs are clinging tenaciously to solid values and
doing the best they can to create a positive learning environment
within the limitations of government guidelines. Other administrators
and teachers have totally abandoned traditional values and are
actively promoting humanism, situational ethics, and a tolerance
for diversity which sometimes seems to mean giving up any solid
standard of right and wrong. I received one e-mail from a woman
in Canada who represents a group of parents who have suffered
persecution, lawsuits, and threats for banding together to fight
the overt infiltration of those openly promoting a gay lifestyle
in the public schools. They were opposing the initiative to make
schools “safe” for homosexuals to not only practice their sexuality
openly, but encourage others to experiment and “find out” if they
too have homosexual tendencies.
One
mother told me that her oldest three children had attended a school
with fine administrators and teachers who encouraged the students
to hold high standards. However, when the family moved, her youngest
three attended a high school where the principal believed in almost
no rules. Students were free to “make out” in the halls instead
of staying in classes; tobacco and drugs were used on the school
grounds without consequences. This mother has deep regrets for
leaving her children in that school. She was simply unaware of
her options. All three made poor choices. One daughter and all
five of her closest friends became pregnant out-of-wedlock, married
early and subsequently divorced. While there were many contributing
factors, the influence of the poor school environment can not
be discounted.
The
Importance of Parental Involvement
Here’s
some general suggestions from parents: “Don’t miss PTA meetings
--know what is going on. Get involved in classes, activities,
anything that directly impacts your child. Help in the class--be
an aid or a room mother. If your children are excellent students,
the teachers may wonder what you are doing there. However, having
consistent parental contact with the teachers makes a difference
in the way the teacher interacts with your child in the classroom.
Teachers who know that parents are highly involved with their
children and expecting accountability are more likely to give
positive attention to those children. Never miss a parent-teacher
conference--arrange a special meeting with the teachers if you
can’t be there.”
Cydne
Watterson, a mother from North Carolina, believes that parental
involvement is extremely important. Her children are now in a
large private school, but it is strictly secular and there are
only a handful of LDS kids in the school. Consequently they face
many of the same challenges as kids in public schools and have
the same need for parental support. She suggested, “Don’t be afraid
to let teachers and administrators know where you are coming from.
Show your commitment to the school--go to the school administrator
and talk to him personally as an advocate for the school rather
than create an adversarial relationship. One mother I know ‘gathered
the mob’ when they found an inappropriate book in the library.
Her actions created disharmony instead of making a difference.
Making a positive difference usually occurs quietly, one on one.
Don’t put the administrator on the defensive, don’t get labelled
as trouble makers, but as concerned parents and willing workers
who want to be involved.” She admits that parents in her school
have more clout than in public schools, because they are seen
more as “customers.”
I
received e-mails from parents who have concluded that it is impossible
to fight the public school system and win. One mother sat on
a district board for curriculum for a solid year with a group
of determined people who had to admit at the end that very little
had changed. They said that when a person or an institution is
acting on incorrect principles, you can’t get good fruit off of
bad trees. No matter how long you work you are not going to get
the fruit you need and you may need to find other solutions. One
mother in California was given the “Woman of the Year” award for
her intense activism in education reform. However, discouraged
at the lack of actual change, she retired from activism to put
her total energy on helping and educating her own children. Some
parents feel they literally saved their children by changing schools,
locating a public charter school, a private school, or even homeschooling
for a short time until a better school environment could be found
for them. Only prayerful consideration will determine what course
your “parental involvement” will take.
Parents
Can’t Afford to Be Passive
Loree
Bennett is a mother who has been anything but passive when she
was working with the “system as it is.” She does not believe you
have to throw up your hands and just accept whatever school or
teacher your child happens to be assigned to. [She said she was
aware of no options outside of public school at the time.] She
has “gone to bat” for her children in numerous situations that
she believes have made a great difference to them.
Find
Out About the Teachers
One
of the greatest variables in the public schools are the teachers.
Some are dedicated, God-fearing, good people who are in the teaching
profession because they love children. They spend long hours dedicated
to their work in an environment that is sometimes increasingly
difficult. Others are there strictly for a paycheck and are biding
their time until retirement. Some may even have a hidden agenda
to destroy faith or teach their own perspectives.
Loree
Bennett said she has often asked parents which teachers their
children are getting in a new school year and they have said,
“Oh, I don’t know. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway.”
Loree knows different. She always found out who her children’s
prospective teachers were and gotten to know the principal. She
investigated the reputation of each teacher, calling parents whose
children had been in their classes, etc., and requested the teachers
she thought would be best for her children--even when the school
said you couldn’t request. Several times she has taken her children
out of classes where she felt the teacher was pulling down, instead
of building. She said she called the principal and even the district
to let them know how concerned she was about problem situations
and only rarely did she fail to get the changes made that she
requested. She said the key is to persevere and nicely let them
know that you are determined to do what is best for your children.
In an effort to do this, she often met personally with both the
school counsellor and the principal.
Sometimes
a Change of School Is Necessary
Loree
told of pulling her child out of a school where the environment
was detrimental. She said, ”One year my son was in such an unbearable
situation I felt his self-esteem was being destroyed. With only
two months left in the year, I moved him to a different school,
where I had to drive him and pick him up each day. I prayed about
it, and knew I should have moved him sooner, but realized those
two months could make the difference between breaking him and
not. He did much better in the new school.”
A
Utah mother moved her daughter to a different school, even after
the principal said no. She said, “When she was in the fourth grade,
my daughter’s teacher admitted she hated her, and the other girls
in the class were constantly being mean to her. I felt it was
my responsibility to get her out of the situation when the negatives
seemed too big to overcome. I myself had had a second grade teacher
who made me feel absolutely worthless. My mother tried to get
me moved, but just gave up when the principal said no. I wouldn’t
give up. I believe there are always options, and that you shouldn’t
take no for an answer.”
She
gave the following advice, “Pray long and hard and be willing
to make sacrifices. My daughter was being destroyed by that school
environment. With both “friends” and teachers ripping her up every
day, she even lost her academic desire to do well. She hated everything
and was so down on herself, was so depressed, felt so worthless
because she was getting beaten up emotionally. She started going
with friends who were not good, and was feeling like a lowlife.
I simply could not leave her in that destructive situation. I
can’t go with the flow when I feel I really need to stand up for
my child’s right to have a decent environment. I got a lot of
criticism from other parents and the school authorities when I
insisted on moving her, but I knew I had to find a situation where
the people around her would nurture her spirit and help her get
back on track. And I did!”
A
mother suggested, “In the few cases where you can’t get away from
a teacher you don’t feel good about, make friends with them.
Look for the positive and give them positive feedback; so often
grouchy teachers don’t get any, and a little goes a long
way for positive relationships.” This mother told of one teacher
who seemed to feel it was her mission to make the students fail,
yet she was unable to get her child out of that class. She said,
“Sometimes you have to find a way to make it work. In this case
we tried to make this teacher realize that we really cared about
her. I made sure that my daughter was polite and respectful to
her. We both talked to her often, took her treats, and gave her
special attention”. Because they made friends with the teacher
instead of creating an adversarial relationship, they ended up
having a good experience. The teacher told the mother, “I just
love your daughter. She’s so sweet!” A teacher is only human--and
they are sure to treat students better who treat them well.
Establish
Accountability
By
encouraging parental involvement, I am not suggesting that the
parent take over in areas that the child should assume most of
the responsibility. Homework may be one those areas. Cydne Watterson,
said that she believes accountability for actions needs to include
accountability for homework, and she thinks parents do too much
rescuing in this regard. Beginning in first grade Cydne established
the idea that “this is your homework, not mine. She made it clear
that if they didn’t want to do it that was their choice, but they
would feel the consequences. (She said only one time did she run
into the problem of no consequence at school where the teacher
didn’t care if the homework wasn’t done and that became a different
story.) She tried not to think, “how will this look? What will
the teacher think of me? How will it reflect on me? ” But rather
“what is the most important thing my child can learn in this situation”?
Once
her children “got it” and realized it was their own responsibility,
they took such pride in their work, and get great satisfaction
in doing their own work well. She doesn’t believe children will
ever feel that satisfaction if they are pushed or coerced, or
if a parent is doing any of the work for them. [Another set of
parents removed themselves from the constant hassle of taking
responsibility for their child’s homework and the child did not
choose to take hold and find satisfaction in doing well academically.
However, he is doing well in his life in general because his relationship
with his parents was salvaged. His parents have concluded that
those things are more important that academic excellence.]
Encourage
Them to Stand Up and Be Counted--But Let It Be Their Choice
Cydne
said, “You can’t underestimate the influence of a child who stands
up for his standards at school--and I found out my oldest son
wanted to make that choice himself--that I didn’t need to intercede
for him.” Cydne’s oldest son Neal was scheduled to go on a field
trip in the 10th grade where they would be watching an R-rated
movie. Cydne told his teacher that Neal would not be watching
that movie and Neal was upset--He felt it was his own responsibility
and he wanted to make the stand himself. He had actually done
so at an earlier time (which is the reason Cydne thought it was
all right for her to “state his position.”) Neal had got up and
left an inappropriate movie at an earlier date and some friends
left with him. One of these friends had told his younger brother
about that event. This younger kid, named Ben, walked with Neal
from the gym to his car one night and said, “Why don’t you go
to R-rated movies?” and Neal was able to explain. This led to
another discussion when Ben asked seriously, “Neal, tell me.
Do you think there’s a God?” and Neal was able to share his conviction.
The ripples of right decisions are expansive.
Who
Do You Want to Be Known As?
Cydne
said that in North Carolina you are set apart by being a Mormon
and that you have to take a stand. Paul and Cydne Watterson asked
their kids, “Who do you want to be known as at school?” The question
helped them to determine who they were--that they each wanted
to set the example and be known as the Mormon kid who lives what
he believes. She said her kids feel they can let all the non-Mormons
wear the weird clothes and crazy hairstyles, and do the bad things.
They want to be “known as” something different in a good way.
Their
“different” positive influence started early. Jane Morgan was
Neal’s third grade teacher. On the first parent-teacher night
Jane said to Paul and Cydne, “There’s something different about
this boy. What is it?” They told her they were members of The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jane had been raised
around Mormons and had attended some Young Women meetings. Jane
frequently commented to her husband about her positive impression
of the Watterson family and their connection to the Church. One
day some missionaries came by their house and Jane’s husband was
in the yard. He said to them, “You might as well go in and finish
Jane off; she’s already 3/4 Mormon”! She and her husband both
joined the Church and have been active in the same ward as the
Wattersons for several years now.
The
Importance of Living the Basics in the Home
Many
families have found ways to successfully ford the deep waters
of education that is devoid of spiritual roots and bring their
children safely through to the other side. Many “children of promise”
have managed to cling to the iron rod, avoid the filthy waters,
and come through strong and clean. How are these families doing
it?
The
parents I talked to bought up the same ideas over and over. It
shouldn’t surprise us that the families that are doing well in
spite of the negatives they face in the public school environment
are those who follow the counsel of the prophets. They are holding
family home evening, having daily family scripture reading and
family prayer. But how they are managing to do this in
our fast-paced world, and how they supplement these basic activities
with other value-based, family-strengthening activities is worthy
of note. The Bennett and Watterson family’s experiences summarize
what parents suggested.
Loree
Bennett said, “Sometimes my friends ask me questions like ”How
come your kids tell you everything? How come you are so close
to your kids? Why are your kids turning out so well?” The following
things are the only answers I can give.
1.
Family Home Evening
“No
matter how busy my kids got at school or outside activities--no
matter what--home evening had to happen. Even when we had the
teeniest home evenings that I thought were pathetic, I could not
believe the spirit of peace and unity that came into our home.
We renewed our commitment to do what we needed to do by having
home evening. [Families reported a wide variety of approaches
to family home evening. For instance, in one family the father
consistently taught the lessons because the children tended to
give a “two-minute summary” if they were assigned. In another
family older children were assigned to read and report on an Ensign
article of their choice and the parents thought they were learning
a lot and doing a fine job.]
2.
Family Fun Time
“Our
Monday family home evening is always the “teaching the gospel”
part. Saturday afternoon or evening is family fun time. Even when
the kids were in high school they didn’t want to miss it. [Many
families have the gospel lesson on Sunday evening and the fun
activity on Monday evening.]
3.
Date Nights
“We
also had regular one on one dates with kids to keep a super close
relationship. Wednesday night is date night. The parent who goes
out takes just one child. Although we didn’t push it, the child
we were with often brought up important concerns they wanted to
share and we were able to listen and given counsel.”
4.
PPI at Home
“My
husband Bill does PPI--individual personal priesthood interviews
with each child. Sometimes formal, sometimes more informal on
a walk or on a drive. The ideal is weekly, but it happens for
sure at least once a month. Sometimes I am in on the interviews,
but most of them Bill does one-on-one. He talks to each child
about his or her life, goals, problems, and possible solutions.”
5.
Family Vacations
“We
are also family vacation fanatics--no matter what else is going
on we go on family vacations. We have found that every family
vacation solidifies our family. The magic and the memories and
the bonding sets the stage for family closeness throughout the
year. We kind of ignore the limitations of time or money and go
anyway; for instance, right now we are getting ready to move and
simply didn’t have the time, but we went! The talking the laughing,
the pictures we take and enjoy later, help carry us through the
year. The kind of vacations we choose has something to do with
it. We define our purpose--time to relax and just be together--where
we are not scheduled. (We are so highly scheduled the rest of
the time, we especially need a break from that!) Some of our favorite
memories are staying up late watching funny wholesome videos (draped
all across each other), being on the beach together, playing
in the pool, listening, talking, laughing, bike riding--different
things happen. One year, walking along the beach, out of the corner
of my eye I saw my son Bryan pick up this big piece of seaweed,
and come running towards me. My natural inclination was to crossly
say, “Don’t even think about it!” but the Spirit spoke and said,
“put everything aside and enjoy it. Let it go.” He threw this
sticky slimy seaweed on me, and instead of getting mad, I picked
up the seaweed and ran after him. Instantly, the whole family
joined in and we had the biggest, funniest seaweed fight ever.
No one will ever forget the magic, the laughter and joking, the
fun, the spontaneous bonding. Memories like that stay with us
during the year to help over the rough spots when we are uptight
about rules, school, etc. Because the relationship is strong,
because of the bonding, we find that the children are willing
to live the family rules.
6. Positives at Home to Counter the Negatives at School
“My
oldest two sons went to regular public schools where they daily
confronted bad language, kids on drugs, some teachers who were
overburdened and ineffective. It was a time of many challenges
But they felt loved at home, felt the Spirit at home, had the
values established and reinforced at home. My husband and I always
wanted to send them off with a hot breakfast, scripture reading,
prayer and hugs. We’ve had bad times during hard pregnancies and
new babies, and when he was away on business or at a meeting when
we simply couldn’t do our part of it. I know it was much harder
for the kids when they weren’t getting a steady dose of positives
at home. I could see a magnificent difference when we did it--they
did so much better at school. They felt solid, secure, knew they
were loved/ I think a good night’s rest for both mother and children
is very important--it’s much harder to give them a loving sendoff
if you are too tired and if they are not well fed and well rested
or feeling depleted, they are bound to be more vulnerable to the
negative influences. A positive sendoff is super helpful--they
faced so much negative junk and criticism at school. Positive
reinforcement at home is doubly important. [Positive notes can
be a big boost too] We try to practice positive affirmations as
a family often. We take turns saying positive things about each
other--not just at birthdays, but whenever we can remember--mealtimes,
prayer times, bedtime. So as each child leaves for school they
are feeling built up and strong inside. Then when they get ripped
up by teachers or peers, they are strong, can face the negatives
and come out on top.
Suggestions
from other parents include:
Seminary
Training and EFY
On
mother said, “The impact of good seminary teachers was huge in
the teen years. In Seminary they could feel the Spirit on a daily
basis and rub shoulders with other young people who had similar
goals. Having a close relationship with seminary teachers who
were positive spiritual role models definitely strengthened them.”
Especially for Youth and ward and stake youth conference were
also noted as important strengthening experiences for teens.
Family
Council
Several
families mentioned that their family council was an important
part of keeping close to their children, knowing what was going
on in school, and keeping the family machinery running smoothly.
Most held it on Sunday, and used the time to coordinate school
and family activities, make certain the children were prepared
for the school week ahead, had rides where they needed to go,
and to assess what support might be needed with their school projects
and assignments.
More
Ideas
Cydne
Watterson added several good ideas:
1.
The Importance of Sunday
“Observing
the Sabbath day has made my children’s life so much better. They
never argued that they couldn’t play sports, go to parties or
other recreational activities. On Sunday they truly have a day
to rest, get organized, get themselves in order. Sunday slows
the whole family down a notch, we spend more time together, we
don’t go anywhere. We stay home together except to go to our church
meetings. Sundays are not abused here. [In North Carolina] Church
leaders make a point not to have other meetings on Sunday. Keeping
the Sabbath puts everything on a higher notch for the rest of
the week.
2.
Scripture Reading
“Daily
scripture reading began to work for us [the Wattersons] when we
bought extra inexpensive Book of Mormons strictly for family scripture
reading so we didn’t have to send everyone to find their personal
scriptures. Our routine is to have dinner, cleanup, and an hour
of homework and then family scripture reading. However, one child
could never settle into homework until after family scripture
reading. Our routine helped the kids in their schooling--consistently.”
[many
families have their scripture reading first thing in the morning
or at mealtimes.]
3.
Parental Harmony
“I
think parent’s willingness to say they’re sorry and working to
have a peace in the home is important to children’s education.
It eliminates the chaos of worrying how the parents are doing.
As the relationship between husband and wife grew more peaceful
over the years created a better atmosphere for them to settle
in and do their own learning. Parents can provide the atmosphere
of learning by the spirit of peace that is there. Parents should
ask ‘what are we contributing to this environment?’ A reasonably
orderly home seems more peaceful. Is your home a home of learning?
Do they have a designated place to study if they can’t have their
own desk? In the battle with electronic monsters--TV and video
games--I see a need to set family guidelines. It often worked
for our family to say that no one could do “screens” until they
had finished chores or homework or both.
4.
Save Primary Energies for Family
Cydne
concluded, “Your children know how much you are emotionally available,
how much energy you have left for them. If I have to take a nap,
or cut back on my commitments, I do it so I can be there for them.
I don’t want to be exhausted when they need me. I see them as
my job--my primary concern. All my errands and phone calls I try
to have finished before they come in the door so I can focus on
them--and they feel the difference.”
Conclusion
These
suggestions are applicable and important regardless of the type
of education our child might be receiving. What all our children
need is our time, our attention, our love, our prayers, our guidance,
and our solid example of gospel commitment.
Coming
up Next
The
options of dual enrollment--partly in public school, partly elsewhere,
will be evaluated in the next article, along with the interesting
option of Publicly Funded Charter Schools. E-mail me at darla2@xmission.com
if you have ideas to contribute on these subjects.
