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Stopping Temper Tantrums the Lord's Way
By Natalie J. Hale

Continuing the theme of temper tantrums, we move to the subject of what is the Lord’s way of stopping temper tantrums? The best place to start would be His guidebooks, the scriptures.

It is stated of Lehi regarding his attitude to his wayward sons that he, “[D]id exhort them then with all the feeling of a tender parent, that they would hearken to his words, that perhaps the Lord would be merciful to them, and not cast them off; yea, my father did preach unto them” (1 Nephi 8:37).

Lehi was setting limits without violating his sons’ agency. Granted, the children in question, Laman and Lemuel, were adults and not toddlers, but their actions had demonstrated a lack of self-control (remember that they were known for murmuring and had attempted to kill Nephi).

If you reread the story of Laman and Lemuel you will see that their behavior is similar in structure to a child screaming in the grocery store when she doesn’t get that candy or the toy that she wants. Surely there are more elements to what parents can and should do to teach their children self-control without violating their agency, but will be reserved for a later article.

Even Dr. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, tells parents to give their children limits:

Your toddler may resist your limits now, but in the long run they will make her happier. Children without limits feel out of control, insecure, and even unloved. No wonder they keep pushing until we take a stand. And that’s only one of the reasons your sweet child may suddenly try to steamroll you! (Dr. Harvey Karp, The Happiest Toddler on the Block, p. 201)

There are current trends in parenting that would seem to influence parents to let children have what they want when they want it. Be the parents motivated by guilt for not spending more time with the children, or fear that the child won’t like them or be their friend, or whatever other reason there might be, President Faust countered this cultural trend when he said:

There is often a special challenge for those parents who are affluent or overly indulgent. In a sense, some children in those circumstances hold their parents hostage by withholding their support of parental rules unless the parents acquiesce to the children’s demands. Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children. So many children have been so much done for they are almost done in.” It seems to be human nature that we do not fully appreciate material things we have not ourselves earned (James E. Faust, “A Thousand Threads of Love,” Ensign, Oct. 2005, 3).

Setting and maintaining the Lord’s limits can be hard to do, especially when you are tired, sick, or have other children that need looking after. But it can and should be done. And you can almost be guaranteed that after you start setting limits on those tantrums, your child is going to fight them. In fact, here is one man’s method of dealing with such a situation:

[G]ive a reason for any limit-setting decision you make, but don’t expect the child to agree … Just say, “Oh, I know you don’t agree with me. Why if I were you, I wouldn’t agree with me either.” And turn around and walk away. Make your decision, communicate it, give a reason, acknowledge that you didn’t expect the child to agree, and walk away. Disengage, leaving the child to “stew in his/her own juices.” This is the difference between giving a child reasons and trying to reason with the child. Trying to reason is the ill-fated attempt to make the child understand (and therefore agree with the parent (John Rosemond, A Family of Value, p. 142).

More statements on tantrums and how to deal with them appropriately are available through the free weekly parenting tip at http://www.enlightenedhomemaker.com