Meridian Magazine : Grandparenting: Grandparenting with Complications

Grandparenting with Complications
By Fay A. Klingler

When I go to speak in conjunction with The LDS Grandparents’ Idea Book, three issues dominate the questions I am asked. One — “How can you effectively grandparent when the grandchildren live far away?” I covered that issue in one of my November articles.

The second — “How do you successfully handle step-grandparenting?” I wrote about step-grandparenting in December and invited my readers to contribute their positive solution ideas for this month’s article, covering the third issue — “What do you do when poor relationships, divorce, or separations diminish the time grandchildren can spend with their grandparents?” I thank you for your kind comments and stories that form the basis of this article.

First, I would like to share a message from a Meridian reader regarding step-grandparenting. Carma Sirrine acquired four new grandchildren a couple years ago — “step-grandchildren by the correct manner of speaking,” she wrote. “I have regarded them as my grandchildren from the beginning and they call me ‘Grandma.’ Whoever heard of being called ‘Step-grandma’?”

Recently Carma’s family members came for a visit and had a great time with uncles, aunts, and cousins. “My youngest new (step-)grandson likes lasagna very much,” she wrote. We were going to have it one particular night but were gone until there wasn’t enough time to get home and bake it before we were too hungry. So we ate out at a buffet. He was not happy. I told him why we couldn’t have it that night. The next night when I took the lasagna out of the oven and he came around to give it a whiff, I whispered that it was one of my favorite foods too. He immediately gave me a big hug.”

Would Carma have done anything differently if the boy had been a blood relative? No. The quote from a friend’s, older step-grandson says it all. “The trick to being grandparents to such children [those not literally your own] is to simply ‘be grandparents!’ No less. No more” (The LDS Grandparents’ Idea Book, Fay A. Klingler, Book Spring Creek Book Company).

Every family situation and every individual creates a different set of dynamics. And when relationships turn sour regardless of your good intentions, grandparenting efforts can be painful. Brookie Dickerson wrote about her granddaughter Mady, who just turned eight in December. “Ordinarily in an LDS family this would be a milestone year with the whole family gathered for her baptism. However, we haven’t seen Mady since her third birthday party. Our oldest son, Mady’s father, passed away when she was a year and a half old. Her mother is not a member of the LDS Church.”

Brookie explained that when Mady was three, her mother started dating and subsequently married. “This man didn’t want anything to do with our family,” wrote Brookie. “Consequently, phone calls were not returned, letters were not answered, and all communication with our granddaughter stopped abruptly. Prior to this, we had a wonderfully warm and loving relationship with this darling, bright, first grandchild of ours, because for three years we provided day care, night care, care by the week, and included her and her parents in every family event and holiday gathering.”

The suddenness of the separation was heartbreaking, and Brookie and her husband, Curtis, worried that Mady would wonder why her grandparents stopped seeing her. “Would she think it was our decision?” asked Brookie. “Would she think we didn’t love her anymore?”

The Dickersons pursued Grandparents’ Rights through the courts and won their case. That only proved to enrage Mady’s mother and step-father, who made it clear they were moving out of state to escape the grandparents and the law that could enforce visitation rights.

“It was a very long and emotional struggle,” wrote Brookie. “When we were sure all our options were used up, my husband decided to write to Mady on a regular basis and mail the letters to our home address with the handwritten notation on each envelope, ‘Hold for Arrival.’ These letters are newsy and filled with love, and always include how much we miss her. They are written in a conversational tone, as if her grandfather was just visiting with her. They are never disparaging toward her mother and step-father.

“The letters come to us with a postmark which shows when and where they were mailed. We keep them in a special box and hope these letters and the trunk of her biological father’s belongings will someday be deliverable and help prove to Mady that we thought about her, missed her, loved her, and included her in our family the only way we knew how.”

As grandparents, we must acknowledge and accept that our role comes with definite limitations. And in some cases, those limitations are extreme. However, the grandchild’s welfare must remain the driving force, not the hurt or selfish desires. Although the parents’ choice is an injustice to Mady and to the Dickersons, for her safety and emotional wellbeing, the grandparents chose to let go of the fight for their rights. Brookie and Curtis continue to put in the effort to influence their granddaughter by writing the letters and praying for the opportunity to present them to her. Their example provides valuable direction for dealing with complicated grandparenting issues.

Pray for hearts to soften, yours and theirs, and for opportunities to be a positive influence in the lives of your grandchildren.
Do your part. Then allow the parents to be accountable for their part.
Love unconditionally.
Be patient. Sometimes progress is measured in minuscule steps. As I’ve mentioned before, the following two phrases linked together might sound like a contradiction, but they work — don’t try too hard and don’t give up.
Remain hopeful.
Choose to set a good example by the way you live. Put your life in order.
When you are given the opportunity to spend time with your grandchildren, watch your attitude and think of what you want the children to feel when they are with you. Speak and act accordingly. You do not want them to feel hatred, contention, or fear. You want them to feel kindness, acceptance, and safety. Focus on developing a positive relationship with the grandchild, not on your hurt feelings.
Be trustworthy. Keep your word to the grandchildren and to the parents. Trust is an integral element in building relationships and bridging generation gaps.

At one point, Nancy Beck felt continual disappointment through her grandparenting efforts. But she did not give up hope. Nancy wrote of two happy, recent experiences.

My son and former daughter-in-law are divorced. She's devoutly Catholic and not at all friendly to the Church or any members, including us! She restricts access to the grandchildren, and we walk on eggshells to see them. However, we can usually count on yearly visits at Christmas Eve when they come to pick up gifts! Consequently, we don't know the children well and our frequent telephone calls give us little in common. They are our only grandchildren.

Knowing that our granddaughter is interested in animals, however, I scouted out an unusual facility near our home. Because our daughter-in-law was busy one day, we were allowed to take our granddaughter to the canine training facility, where dogs are trained to help handicapped individuals. There is a spiritual aspect to the work these noble creatures perform, and tender feelings opened lines of communication. I took her to lunch, and we visited like distant friends. She even opened a gospel discussion. I hugged her and told her how much I respect her mother and her desires that I not discuss religion with her. But I said, "When you are a little older, please ask me about these things again. I very much want to discuss them with you. And in the meantime, know we are praying for you and your family. We know your Heavenly Father loves you very much because you are His precious daughter."

Our grandson, her brother, just turned 16 on New Year's Day. His mother has never allowed us to be alone with him. We are rarely able to visit him, though he lives only a few miles from us. We call him often. But when we speak on the telephone, we have very little in common.

In an answer to prayer, I received inspiration about something our grandson enjoys doing — cooking and skateboarding! I e-mailed my 80-something-year-old aunt about my late mother's special recipe for fudge. It's the best fudge on the planet! I was happy to receive the recipe and bought all the ingredients to make it. I even purchased a special plate for my grandson with a neat little saying on it, indicating how special he is to us. I knew it was an answer to prayer when our daughter-in-law agreed to allow him to "go to Grandma's to make a secret family recipe!"

I printed the recipe, rolled it up, and wrapped a big bow around it. Finally the day came for him to visit Grandma's house to make the secret family recipe. To our surprise he came with a broken arm, but delighted in crushing the chocolate with his cast! The recipe worked like a charm. We worked in concert, adding, stirring, pouring. Then we watched the fudge slowly cool. And when we cut it into small squares, a flood of memories came back to me, and I told him stories of his great-grandmother and the times she made this recipe when I was his age. She has been gone for nearly 40 years, but I felt her presence very strongly as we worked a miracle with her secret recipe. It never tasted better!

I sent a large pan of fudge home with our grandson. As he was leaving, I hugged him and told him how much I love him and that I know his great-grandmother also loves him and is concerned about his welfare and happiness.

Making fudge with him will always be a special Christmas memory for me, and perhaps we'll find another recipe that will give us time together in the kitchen, or elsewhere. I'm hoping "Great-grandma's secret fudge" may become a Christmas tradition. And by the way, his mother allowed us to take him to the store where he picked out a brand new skateboard. She seemed to appreciate the fact that he loved it and we paid for it.

He grinned when we said, "Be careful, so you don't break your other arm!" We really believe there's hope for a relationship with a one-armed fudgemaker. Hope and prayer never smelled better!

Regardless of whether you see it now, your time, example, and unconditional love will make a lasting difference in the lives of your grandchildren, regardless of their lifestyle. Each time you show up at a ball game or smile in their direction, a mark of love and value is placed in their hearts. I know it can be discouraging, but your efforts over time, even the small acts, are definitely noted. Remember you are not alone in wanting to reach these precious sons and daughters of God. Heavenly Father and His angels care and will act as your aids.

Note: Next month I would like to write about what happens as the family mushrooms, mainly providing solution ideas on gathering locations (including ample space), themes, and delegation. I welcome your stories and comments. Please send your contributions to fay@klingler.com.