Grandparenting at a Distance
By Fay A. Klingler
If
you are like my sister, whose only grandchild lives a great
distance away, you understand her longing to see, touch, and
talk to her grandson. My children lived almost two thousand
miles from their grandparents. Now that I am a grandmother and
have grandchildren both near and far, I see advantages and disadvantages
of having family far away.
Of
course the disadvantages are easy to think of:
- You miss seeing their phases of development.
- You miss frequent face-to-face communication. Often
body language tells you more about what an individual is
trying to convey than his or her spoken or written words.
- They miss your warm sense of touch that is important
in feeling secure and close.
- You miss attending their school and church games
and programs and the special occasions surrounding each child’s
life, like his or her birthday celebrations.
- You aren’t available to assist in their homes during
times of ordinary illness or stress.
- They cannot attend regular Sunday dinners or monthly
family home evenings in your home.
- Their faces may not be seen as frequently on the
pages of your scrapbooks, and yours may be rarely stored in
their memory cache.
The
advantages of having grandchildren living far away are more
difficult to come up with. Nonetheless, your positive impact
upon them may be just as significant as when your grandchildren
live near. Because you don’t see them all the time, you may
not be aware of or feel the frustration that comes with dealing
on a daily or weekly basis with their little failings. And they
are less likely to take what you do for granted. Your visits
together are more consistently focused on pointing out the positives and building warmth in your relationships.
The Adventure of a Home Visit
Generally
speaking, your grandchildren living far away feel a sense of
excitement and adventure when they come to visit. Their stay,
in most cases, is in your home. So their involvement with you
may be round the clock instead of just for a few short hours,
like the experience of those living near (unless they actually
live under your roof). They may stay overnight, a week, ten
days, or more.
I
fondly remember a train ride to visit my granny and grandpa
in Tucson, Arizona. I was very young. In fact, that trip is
my first recollection of life on earth. I sensed happy anticipation
from my mother, and it is as though I can still feel the rhythm
and hear the “click, click, click” of the train rolling over
the tracks.
As
a mother, when my family planned to visit my parents, I heard
my children talk about the “remember-whens”
for weeks before we traveled, and then exclaim with joy for
weeks after each trip over what they had experienced with their
grandparents. My mother always had crafts for them to do with
her. So the children brought home tangible remembrances. The
memories of many card games and delicious foods will never be
lost.
Janet
Peterson, the author of Remedies for the I Don’t Cook Syndrome,
wrote an article for Meridian Magazine entitled “Aroma
Therapy,” wherein she referred to the smell of
cinnamon rolls baking as an aromatic stimulant. Quoting Eric
Schlosser, Janet wrote, “A smell can suddenly evoke a long-forgotten
moment. The flavors of childhood foods seem to leave an indelible
mark and adults often return to them without always knowing
why. These ‘comfort foods’ become a source of pleasure and reassurance”
(Fast Food Nation, New York: Harper Collins, 2001,
123).
My
mother provided “comfort foods” galore. When we arrived at her
home from out of town, you could smell the sweet, cinnamon roll
dough rising, and often fresh cookies from the oven lined the
kitchen counter. Food cultures may be unique for different families.
For example, because of a son-in-law’s influence I traditionally
serve homemade, chicken enchiladas for our Christmas meal. Our
extended family has become accustomed to the smell and taste
of Mexican food on that day. And when my grandchildren come
to stay, I make sure that at least one breakfast includes the
single-serving, variety pack of boxed cereals. They look forward
to choosing their own.
I
have a large bulletin board in my kitchen. I specifically made
it to display family pictures. As I print new pictures, I move
the old ones from the bulletin board to a scrapbook. I notice
the grandchildren who come from out of town immediately notice
what is displayed on the bulletin board, ask questions about
the events pictured, and exclaim over this and that.
This
week I took pictures of grandchildren who unexpectedly came
to visit. When I said, “Let’s take a picture,” one of the children said, “What
for?” His older sibling answered, “You know; it’s for
the bulletin board.” Just kind of matter of
fact, but with a touch of pride that they too would be displayed.
Now
this experience would not have happened if those grandchildren
lived in town. You see, that day they were to fly without a
parent from Seattle, Washington, to Boise, Idaho, to visit their
father for Thanksgiving. My husband and I were at the office
when we received a phone call, asking if we could rescue the
children. The plane was unable to land in Boise because of extreme
fog and was diverted to Salt Lake City. The children needed immediate assistance. Their father
arranged for them to be rebooked on a flight leaving Salt Lake
City the next day.
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to enlarge
Happy grandchildren and even happier grandparents
who received an unexpected visit.
So
we altered our plans, made an unexpected trip to the airport,
and picked up four stranded children. After dinner and making
up beds, we watched a short movie, then played their game of
choice — Scrabble®. Wow, those children are good
at that game! Very early the next morning, we returned them
to the airport and saw them safely off to their planned destination.
How grateful we were that they landed in a safe place — our location.
Making Music Memories
Music
is another tie that binds or a memory stimulant. My children
enjoyed hearing their grandmother sing fun songs to them. I’m
not sure where she got them. Perhaps her grandmother or mother
sang them to her. At any rate, whenever we sang those songs
together in the car, on a hike, or at home, my children thought
about happy times at with their grandparents. Now I sing some
of those same songs to my grandchildren. One in particular —
“Sing a Song of Six Pence.” When I sing it, I tell my grandchildren
it is a song my mother used to sing. “Sing a song of six pence
a pocket full of rye. Four and twenty black birds baked in a
pie. . . .”
Last
summer I attended my grandparents’ family reunion. They passed
away many years ago, but the extended family still gathers once
every two years to become reacquainted. More than at any other,
the organizers of this reunion reminded us of our grandparents’
skills and talents, and our tremendous heritage.
My
grandmother was a prolific poet. Many of her poems were put
to music. At the reunion, all of the great-grandchildren were
taught some of her songs and later performed them to the Alldredge
posterity in attendance. I knew several of the church hymns
my grandmother authored. One is sung by most congregations almost
every 24th of July — “They, the Builders of the Nation.”
But
most of us attending the reunion were unaware that Grandma authored
a favorite children’s song — “Daddy’s Homecoming.” Do you remember
it? It goes like this, “I’m so glad when Daddy comes
home, glad as I can be...” I can almost guarantee that every
child attending the Alldredge reunion
this summer will now think of their great-grandmother each time
they sing that song in Primary.
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to enlarge
The Alldredge family reunion was a time for red shirts and lots
of singing.
At
that reunion, my mother was asked to sing one of her fun songs
— a favorite of many members of the group — “Short’nin
Bread.” She insisted my sister and I sing with her. Oh my, what
a memory! I know that every one of my mother’s grandchildren
who attended that event will remember her with that song no
matter how far they live away.
Hands-On Memories
Scrapbook
pictures, songs, foods, crafts, and games can all stimulate
happy, lasting ties whether grandchildren go to visit grandparents
or grandparents go to visit grandchildren. This week I will
travel to Arizona to stay with three of my grandchildren while
their parents are away on business. We will do many of the same
things they would have done if they had come to my home. We
will play card games and make cupcakes or cinnamon rolls. We
will sing songs, take pictures, and go on a walk or two. The
one thing that will be different is homework! They are usually
on vacation when they come to visit Grandma and Grandpa. This
trip school will be in session...
Events
do not necessarily have to happen with the grandchildren
for them to feel the warmth and reassurance of healthy grandparent-grandchild
relationships. In the act of just getting your siblings together
there is a ripple effect throughout the family. My father’s
brothers and sisters gather for sibling reunions often. Because
they talk to their children and their children talk to their
children about how much my father’s brothers and sisters enjoy
getting together, there is a closeness that seems to filter
down throughout the generations.
My
sister lives about two hours north of me. We periodically meet
at a restaurant between our homes. There we eat and talk and
talk and talk and talk. When we go home, we both feel better
about coping with life’s challenges. Our children often hear
about how much we enjoy being each other’s therapists. That
too filters down to our grandchildren. The last time we met
my sister was wearing the bright red t-shirt that was given
out at this summer’s Alldredge reunion.
Just seeing the t-shirt reminded me of the warm feeling of strong
heritage evoked from that event.
Suggestions for Long-Distance Grandparenting
All
of our lives are busy, but with a concerted effort we can overcome
the disadvantages of having our grandchildren live far away.
Some suggestions might be to:
- Frequently exchange pictures with your children
so you don’t miss seeing the grandchildren’s phases of development
and they don’t miss seeing your smile. When our son and daughter-in-law
lived in India, we shared pictures through e-mail or Internet
photo galleries. I asked my daughter-in-law to put a picture
of Larry and me on the wall above the crib or the changing
table so our granddaughter would see it every day and consequently
be more likely to recognize us when she came with her parents
to the United States to visit.
- Take advantage of e-mail and the telephone to keep
communication open. Consider using Internet cameras or eyes
— the closest thing to face-to-face communication at a distance.
Even today, at age 84, my mother frequently communicates with
her grandchildren using e-mails, cards, or letters. Whenever
my grandchildren write to me, I make a point of writing back.
Often I mail with my letter a treat, special poster, notepad,
or photo.
- Prioritize your resources to attend certain special
occasions surrounding each child’s life, like baby blessings,
baptisms, priesthood ordinations, Eagle Scout awards, and
high school graduations.
- Make yourself available whenever possible to assist
in their homes during times of extraordinary illness or stress,
like when a new baby is born.
- Prepare unexpected care packages, holiday packages,
birthday remembrances, and testimony videos and tapes. My
children were always delighted with the unexpected packages
from Grandma. They would be filled with boxes of Jell-0®,
candy, or pencils, etc.
- Carry out family reunions, spontaneous and traditional.
- Consider laminating a few pictures for young grandchildren
to carry around with them. Make and send small, individual
scrapbooks to the older grandchildren.
- Provide something tangible that reminds the grandchild
of your affection. My mother made afghans for her ten-year-old grandchildren. I traditionally
make a baptism quilt for each of my eight-year-old grandchildren.
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to enlarge
Long-distance grandparents get letters that local grandparents
may not.
You
may be surprised how important the little things are to your
grandchildren. Regardless of whether they live near or far,
the key is to do all within your power to keep a connection
that conveys acceptance and love.
I
was amazed to find that one of my grandsons (who lives
far away) kept all the letters, cards, posters, and notes I
mailed to him over the years. One year, with a letter, he returned
to me a picture I sent to him years earlier. The letter thanked
me for the package I sent to him at scout camp. He told me about
the merit badges he earned and asked me if I remembered the
race (the picture was taken after a 10K race I had traveled
to participate in near his home). And yesterday I received a
letter from his schoolteacher explaining that Gabriel had chosen
me for a school assignment where he was to choose one adult
he was thankful for this year. The teacher’s note stated, “I
am happy to say that all of my students had at least one adult
on their mind. I know that sometimes as humans we forget to
thank those close to us, but please remember that you make a
difference...”
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to enlarge
This photograph was kept for years before lovingly being returned
to Grandma.
Can
you make a difference when your grandchildren live far away?
Very definitely the answer is a resounding
YES. Happy grandparenting!
