As a young girl on, I faithfully followed the outlined path I’d been taught by wonderful LDS parents, dedicated Primary, Sunday school and Young Women leaders, a loving Bishop and many good examples of family and friends. My goals and dreams were high.
When I met a handsome returned missionary who was charming and fun, romantic and kind, I fell in love. Just over a year later we were married in the Salt Lake Temple on a beautiful summer day under a blue sky filled with sunshine. I knelt across the altar from him, the man I planned to be with always, and saw our reflection shining endlessly in the crystal-clear mirrors on the walls.
Five months later I was expecting our first baby and when he joined our family on a cold winter night, I felt certain my life was close to perfect. It would be years before I came to realize, the endless reflection of us, I saw on our wedding day, had a hair-line crack. That crack had a name—pornography—and in time it would lengthen and split until it shattered the glass completely, changing our lives forever.
We’re all victims
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “The simple fact of the matter is pornography victimizes everyone—those who are addicted to it, those who live with them, a society that fosters it, a society that is trying to oppose it, even those who create it. It contaminates everyone.”¹
Pornography was something I never thought would touch me, as if it was a choice like others I’ve made in my life. If I never had sex outside of marriage, I could never have an unwanted pregnancy. If I never drank alcohol, I couldn’t become an alcoholic. If I never used street drugs, I couldn’t become addicted to them.
I was wrong. Pornography is in a category of its own. You don’t have to look for it to find it—or want it—to see it. It isn’t obviously harmful like touching a red-hot burner with a bare hand, or stopping on the rail road tracks in front of an oncoming train. Its addictive influence can be stronger then heroin or cocaine. Pornography is a growing billion-dollar a year industry that can affect anyone and everyone, because—it’s everywhere.
"...for someone to suggest that pornography cannot have an effect on you is to deny the whole notion of education, or to suggest that people are not affected by what they read and see. If you believe that a pornographic book or film cannot affect you, then you must also say that Karl Marx'sDas Kapital, or the Bible, or the Koran, or advertising have no effect on their readers or viewers."²
My former husband was caught in pornography’s constricting web as a teenager, and ended up fighting the hold it had over him from then on. He became one of its many victims. Pornography’s devastating influence marked my children and me as victims of another kind. Its black grasping tentacles reached our extended families, neighbors, friends, ward members— everyone—who learned our story.
But, pornography does not have to win. There are ways to fight against it and ways to overcome its destructive influence. Pornography does not have to destroy your life or those you love. I know. I’ve been there. This is what I’ve learned.
Hope, Help, and Healing
When you feel something is not right in your marriage relationship with your husband, don’t discount it as your own insecurities or paranoia. You are experiencing the questions and unsettled feelings for a reason. You need to find out why.
When you’re ready to tell your husband your suspicions or concerns, needing answers about his possible involvement in pornography, discuss it calmly. It’s okay to tell him you’re hurt or angry, but do it without emotional extremes. Men typically are more likely to “open up” if they don’t feel attacked or criticized.
Don’t blame yourself. Your husband’s involvement in pornography is not your fault. It isn’t about whether or not you are beautiful enough, or how much you turn him on physically. Viewing pornography causes a highly addictive chemical reaction inside his body that he craves.
It takes courage and faith to face the truth that someone you love is struggling with pornography, especially your spouse. Study and learn about pornography addiction. As you better understand the signs, symptoms, and meanings behind your husbands’ choices and actions you will be able to deal with his addiction with more compassion.
If you and your husband decide to stay together and work on your marriage, most likely professional intervention will be necessary. Get involved in a support group for wives. Being with other women facing the same situation, reminds you “you’re not alone” and what you are experiencing is normal.
Re-building your relationship won’t be easy. Your husband is going to need your support and encouragement. Compliment even the smallest progress you see him make. If he openly tells you when he’s slipped and viewed pornography, thank him. That takes courage. Tell him often that you love him and believe you can get through this together.
If your husband isn’t remorseful or willing to give pornography up, despite how much it hurts you, despite how much you see it damaging the very person he is, you cannot make him change. He has his free agency. Gather your courage, step back, and let go by leaving it in Heavenly Father’s hands.
Be patient with yourself as you cope with the hurt, pain, and even the anger during the process of healing. The peace you can find doesn't have to wait if or until his addiction ends. Open your heart to the Lord and ask him to help you forgive your husband. Forgiveness is the only way you’ll find true peace that lasts.
“If your partner remains involved in pornography, it does not have to destroy you or your children. Healthy handling of emotions and healthy boundaries can be learned… whether we move ahead or alone with our partner, we must move ahead. There is a place of peace waiting for us.”³
Counsel with your Bishop and other priesthood leaders about your personal situation.
Get a priesthood blessing, fast and pray, and read your scriptures diligently for guidance
and help to make the best long-term choice for you and your children. Have faith the
time will come when you don’t think about your loss everyday. Reach out and offer love
and support to others who might be facing the same thing. Have faith that you will find joy
again in your life.
"Pornography is everyone else's problem until it becomes a problem in your home!"*
We teach our children at a young age how to be safe in all kinds of situations—look both
ways before crossing the street, don’t talk to strangers, and eating too many sweets is not
healthy. We must also teach them about the possible dangers in our own homes. On the
internet, pornography is only a mouse click away.
Copyright 1999-2009 Meridian Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
About the Author:
Diony George is a wife and mother of seven, born and raised in Alaska. A former Young Women’s and Relief Society president, she’s the author of Torn Apart, a fictional novel based on a true story—her own. She currently lives in Salt Lake City, with her husband Daryl, and their children. To learn more about her book, available resources and help for pornography addiction, or ways to promote decency in your homes and communities visit her blog, http://diony-george.blogspot.com, or her website, http://tornapartbyporn.com
