By Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE
Misunderstanding
the true nature and purposes of marriage is the source of much
of our marital discord and dissolution. We mentally maintain
the faulty notion that if we married the right person, and if
we really loved each other, we wouldn’t be having such
marital difficulties. This is false. Marriage is divinely designed
as a personal crucible — a refiner’s fire — to smooth off our
rough edges, and shape us into our divine authentic self. This
process prepares us for greater degrees of marital oneness.
Not
understanding what will be required of us within marriage often
allows us to unwittingly abort the very process that is intended
to stretch us and enable us to experience the intimate connection
available between husband and wife. The purpose of this article
is to awaken our hearts and minds to the responsibilities and
requirements within marriage — the agonies and the ecstasies
— and to fortify our faith that marital oneness is worth the
price.
I
recently wondered why marriage is such a passion for me — it’s
not like I was a child of divorce, or severely affected by a
parental breakup. I soon realized that it was because of the
growth and healing I had personally experienced within my own
marriage crucible that I became aware of the profound power
marriage contained.
Marriage is Central to God’s Plan
Marriage
is central to God’s eternal plan for good reason — it is designed
as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds the
potential for life’s greatest bliss, but blissful moments are
mixed in with a lot of soul‑expanding personal growth.
In designing marriage God not only provided for the fulfillment
of our deepest longings for intimate connection, but also coupled
it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward wholeness
— toward becoming our authentic self.
Wholeness
may be described as a quest for perfection, as we strive to
smooth off our rough edges; to overcome our sins and weaknesses;
to develop our undeveloped capacities; to become fully alive
and fully functioning.
God
has provided an opportunity and commandment for personal refinement
within the adventure of marriage. He invites husband and wife
to leave their mother and father, and cleave unto each other
and become one (see Genesis 2:24). It is as if marriage
itself is an enrollment in an excavation of the heart, mind
and soul with the intent to graduate each of us into something
more.
Marriage
is our invitation to become whole, while in the process of becoming
one with our spouse — emotionally, spiritually and physically.
We have the choice to avoid the hard work of stretching and
purifying our souls, or we can roll up our sleeves and go to
work! To take two different and imperfect creatures from differing
backgrounds and expect a “coming together as one” is
an adventure indeed.
While
there is much we can individually do to develop ourselves emotionally,
spiritually, and physically, the committed, vulnerable and intimate
relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that
may not be available any other way.
Marriage As a Surprise “Grab Bag”
Marriage
is the ultimate surprise “grab bag” — where you never really
know what you’re going to get. Couples may not realize that
within marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs
of which neither of them were previously aware. Life itself
throws a few curve balls to challenge us as well. The ongoing
process of learning and growing also introduces new demands
on the relationship. One example might be of a spouse developing
a debilitating or chronic illness where each must develop new
abilities to meet each other’s needs.
Not
understanding marriage as a “grab bag” leads some to feel they’ve
been cheated. The blinded state of romantic attraction leads
us into marriage unaware of what we are getting ourselves into.
Many couples complain that what they thought they were getting
is not what they ended up with. The fact is that we are all
taken aback somewhat by what life and marriage hands us. The
intimate intrigue of marriage has intricate and important purposes.
For
all couples, once the “anesthesia” and initial thrill of romantic
love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and
different spouse and relationship. We may even find that we,
ourselves, are not who we thought we were. I had no idea that
I would experience the devastation of depression, nor did my
husband. That was certainly a surprise that we found in our
marital grab bag.
We
buy our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations,
believing all will be well. If we exercise faith, we can know
that all things (even difficult things) will give us experience,
and be for our ultimate good (see D&C 122:7). It’s a wise
part of the divine design that our grab bag comes with a “no-return
policy,” so that we will hang in there through the rough times,
in order to come to the light and the bliss. Couples must understand
that often the greatest joy and happiness comes from successfully
enduring the mountain climbs of life, not by avoiding them.
Some
who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at
the sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness
for the joys that marriage affords. They are temporarily blinded
to the inherent pain and the costs connected to marital bliss.
Others stand outside the fire with fear and trepidation at the
thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that
the treasure is worth the trials. Nothing can compare to the
peace, joy and ecstasy available in marriage, but neither will
anything exact such a price.
Others
have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware
of how to move from the initial high of romantic love, through
the fire of conflict into the awakening — transforming their
relationship into real love and intimate oneness. Many
of these good souls choose to exit the drama not knowing that
it can lead them to the very thing they seek. Others hold on,
but check out emotionally, going through the motions of marriage
just enough to get by.
My
hope is that all who read this article will be ardently aware
of the blessed adventure of marriage, and feel inspired to engage
themselves fully, so that they may find the exultant ecstasy
that God has prepared for them within the intimate adventure
of marriage.
Required Responsibilities within Marriage
With
such an emphasis on simply “getting married” we sometimes forget
to continue to provide guidance for couples, in order that they
are able to create their dream of “happily ever after.” The
following are some of the responsibilities that couples must
accept in order to create the fulfilling intimate relationship
that is possible in marriage:
Marital Responsibilities:
I.
To become self-aware through intimate attention and
introspection.
2.
To enroll oneself in serious and significant self-development
and personal growth.
3.
To develop unconditional love and acceptance for self
and spouse.
4.
To heal and become whole, in order to become ONE.
5.
To identify and be willing to stretch to meet another’s
needs.
6.
To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater
growth and development.
1
— To become self-aware
Self-awareness
is underdeveloped in many of us. We spend years and years studying
for success in a particular profession, yet very little time
studying ourselves for success in an intimate relationship.
We enter marriage nearly blind to the liabilities and even the
assets we bring to the relationship. While we may be ignorant
of the potential problems that await, we are also ignorant of
the potential solutions already within us.
Self-discovery
Journal. Self-discovery is the process of uncovering who we
really are — the good and the bad. We need to consciously and
confidently know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. We
must regularly dedicate some of our time and effort to taking
inventory of our inner selves. A “Self-discovery Journal” is
one effective way to be more attentive to our thoughts, feelings
and behaviors on a daily basis. Journal therapy is the method
of reflecting on our thoughts or feelings, and then putting
them into words on paper. This helps us identify, articulate
and process our inner lives. In many ways our participation
in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is really about the inner self
— how we are developing our spirit self.
Asking
Questions. Asking introspective questions can also open our minds
to the answers and insights that lie within — “Why do I do
that?” “What is this about?” “Where is this coming from?” “How
do I really want to be?” Developing an inquisitive mind
about yourself opens the door to daily revelations of information
that are essential to knowing yourself, and knowing how to unite
intimately with another human being. We have the help of our
spirit self, as well as the Spirit of God, to guide us in our
introspection. Committing this thought processing to paper provides
additional growth beyond solely “thinking” about it.
Becoming
self-aware can be a difficult process. We may not want to know
some things about ourselves. We each have hidden beliefs and
characteristics that we don’t necessarily like. We’d rather
just avoid thinking about them, and hope they might just go
away! In my own quest to understand who I am, I have uncovered
many things that have been disconcerting, yet pivotal to my
greater understanding and ultimate growth.
One
example is that somewhere I had developed an unhealthy emphasis
on my “doings” over my “being.” What I thought was such a strength
was also a weakness. I learned that I had somehow picked up
the idea that I had to be “productive” or “accomplish” something
to be of worth — that my “being” alone was not enough. Elder
Dallin H. Oaks addressed this issue of how we worry so much
about our “doings” that we neglect to focus on what we are becoming
(see “The Challenge to Become,” Ensign, Nov. 2000, 32).
This issue has affected my life and relationships in many ways.
But being aware of this insight has now allowed me to make changes
in myself that have resulted in growth and great blessings.
2
— To engage in significant self-development
It’s
been said that marriages don’t break up because of what couples
do to each other. They break up because of what each must become
in order to stay in them (see Ban Breathnach, Something More,
117). Change can be difficult. We often want to change the world
(and other people), but we don't want to change ourselves. We
think it’s the other person that needs to change, especially
if they have some obvious or identifiable flaw, or if we can
get someone to validate our opinion about our spouse. But the
reality is that every challenge couples face in their marriage,
provides equal opportunity for each to purify and perfect their
own souls, if they will focus on themselves.
While
we spend much of our time wishing our spouse would change, we
would be much more effective if we would focus on changing ourselves.
President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that we can “live
together in the God-given pattern of marriage in accomplishing
that of which we are capable if we will exercise discipline
of self and refrain from trying to discipline our companion”
(Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
Personal
growth is not optional within marriage. Know
that when you marry, it is not an optional activity to invest
yourself in an intensive self-directed personal development
“course.” Just plan on it. It will be less of a shock to you
when you are confronted with the requirement to change. Marriage
demands soul-stretching self-development in ways that are not
always easy or convenient. Healthy and happy marriages are most
likely to be experienced by those willing to step outside their
comfort zones and even expand them!
Marriage
is therapy. Marriage is designed as intimate therapy for our heart
and soul. We are naturally attracted to someone who will push
our buttons. Their personal needs and inner-self issues will
be well suited to help us see our weaknesses, and invite us
toward wholeness — toward developing into our divine authentic
self. Dr. Harville Hendrix taught, "Marriage itself is
in essence therapy, and your partner's needs chart your path
to psychological and spiritual wholeness" (Hendrix, Keeping
the Love You Find, 247).
Within
the crucible of marriage I have been faced with many opportunities
for personal growth. One such opportunity presented itself as
I became aware of my relative resistance to touch and affection.
It’s often true that marriage attracts opposites, or at least
those with complementary characteristics. My husband was comfortable
with and welcomed touch and affection; whereas I felt I could
go without. This “positive” but opposing characteristic in my
husband provided a mirror, showing me how I could be, and inviting
me to change.
Over
time I have changed. Knowing personal growth is a requirement
in creating a satisfying relationship, I have learned to enjoy
touch and affection, even though it was a stretch for me. Where
I once could not fall asleep if my husband was touching me in
any way, I now cannot sleep if he is not!
If
you are a non-toucher, just plan on needing to become more of
a toucher. If you are non-expressive emotionally, just plan
on needing to become more emotionally expressive. If you think
you just aren’t a sexual person, just plan on needing to develop
your sexuality. Having a preliminary understanding of the intricacies
and inevitable adjustments needed in marriage can help you change
in ways that will keep your relationship alive and growing.
Sometimes
we are tempted to say of our weaknesses, “That’s just the way
I am,” in hopes that our spouse will just forget about it or
deal with it. In marriage there is no such luxury of ignoring
our imperfections for long. President George Q. Cannon taught
that we have a duty to overcome our weaknesses by seeking those
characteristics that will counteract our “natural” tendencies.
He said:
If
any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift
that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of
them. What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that
will correct these imperfections. If I am an angry man, it is
my duty to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind.
Am I an envious man? It is my duty to seek for charity, which
envieth not. So it is with all the gifts of the Gospel. They
are intended for this purpose. No man ought to say, ‘Oh, I cannot
help this; it is my nature.’ He is not justified in it, for
the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct
these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them (Doctrine
and Covenants and Church History Teacher’s Manual, 84-85;
see also Millennial Star, 23 Apr. 1894, 260).
God
has promised to show us our weaknesses, in order to humble us
and exhibit His power of grace to make our weaknesses into strengths
(see Ether 12:27). Consider the possibility that your spouse
is God’s way of helping you to see your imperfections through
the “marital mirror” that both husbands and wives hold up before
each other, allowing each to see things they might otherwise
ignore. In some ways getting married is like hiring a full-time
witness of your follies and weaknesses, with an ever-present
invitation to overcome them.
Get
educated and get help. One
of the saddest things I see is couples who do not realize how
much personal growth is needed in marriage, and who wait too
long to get help after they’ve exhausted their own know-how.
We all do the best we can and the best we know how, but we can
do better if we know better. If couples would go into marriage
knowing they are going to need some extensive marriage education,
as well as the personal guidance available through professional
counseling, then maybe couples wouldn’t see counseling in such
a stigmatized way, nor would they wait so long to engage some
professional assistance.
What
a waste when a couple finally realizes they need counseling,
but one or both of them have hardened their hearts, and checked
out of the marriage to the extent that it is difficult, if not
impossible, to save the marriage and avert the inevitable heartbreak
for all involved.
Marriage
education classes, courses, conferences, books and seminars
are a few ways to learn the intricacies of marriage, and develop
the relationship skills necessary to create a happy and healthy
marriage. One mother wisely told her children to never pass
up an opportunity to attend any class or course on marriage.
How wonderful it would be if we all felt that same way about
obtaining marriage education.
Professional
counseling could certainly be considered marriage education,
but provides the more specific help that is often needed. I
would suggest that nearly every marriage can benefit from counseling,
when sought with the help of the Lord. Statistics show that
relatively few couples seek the assistance of counseling, even
though it has the potential to save marriages and prevent heartbreak.
(For more information on “Seeking Professional Help” see Appendix
II in the book And
They Were Not Ashamed.)
Don’t
wait until your marriage is on the brink of dissolution before
you begin the humbling journey of self-reflection and development,
or before seeking marital assistance through counseling. Don’t
wait to be compelled to be humble!
3 — To develop unconditional love and acceptance for
self and spouse.
God
has commanded us to love our neighbors (our spouse) as ourselves
(see Matthew 22:39). To love oneself requires that we
know who we really are, and accept who we are — our strengths
and weaknesses. With the self-awareness suggested above we can
come to know and accept who we are, which helps us become whole
within ourselves. It is then that we are in a position to become
“one” with another person — our spouse.
Loving
and accepting ourselves unconditionally is an important first
step in being able to love our spouse. It is difficult to love
and accept another if we don’t love and accept our self first.
Our capacity to love is related to our personal well-being —
our mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves or the “wholeness”
of our heart. We can increase our ability and capacity to love
by increasing love and acceptance for ourselves. If we do not
develop sufficient love for ourselves, our life becomes focused
more on getting love than on giving love.
Accepting
ourselves has a marvelous side effect — it frees us to change.
William James wisely stated, "When I accept myself as I
am, I change. When I accept others as they are, they change"
(Beam, Becoming One, 97). Acceptance is the key to unlock
divine potential within ourselves, and our spouse. It frees
us from limiting personal prisons we have created to protect
ourselves. Accepting our spouse frees them from the limiting
ways in which we see them, removing their defensiveness, which
can open the door for them to willingly change. The best way
to get someone to change is to let go of trying to change them,
and just love them instead.
Accepting
our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons
our spouse can help us learn. None of us are perfect, but we
each have God-given goodness if we will look for it. Having
the ability to love and accept another without conditions is
to develop the kind of love God has for each of us.
Focusing
our attention on another’s strengths and goodness helps us to
let go of trying to “fix” them, and allows them to learn and
grow in their own time and space. This state of unconditional
love and acceptance creates the ideal conditions for one’s maximum
potential growth and development. If there is built-up resentment
or bitterness over past errors, seek God’s grace to soften your
heart. A softened heart allows us to grant the gift of forgiveness,
in order to make way for unconditional love and acceptance.
Whether
it is when a spouse is unwilling to overcome an addiction, or
when a spouse has fears and inhibitions of which they are not
yet ready to let go, all couples will be required to learn to
love and accept their spouse unconditionally. Count on it! Stretching
to meet this need to love and accept others unconditionally
will pay huge dividends throughout your life.
4
— To become whole, in order to become one.
God
our Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to become one,
husband and wife, even as they are one (see John 17:22).
God has also said, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not
mine” (D&C 38:27). The self-awareness, self-development
and self-acceptance that have been suggested above are for the
purpose of restoring our individual wholeness, of overcoming
our imperfections, and of gaining in areas that we are lacking,
so that we may become one with our spouse and with God.
Knowing
that the ultimate ideal we are working toward is our personal
wholeness and marital oneness can help us see that our
difficult efforts are worth it, and help spur us on amidst the
soul-rending process.
5
— To identify and be willing to stretch to meet your spouse’s
needs.
Marriage
is about meeting each other’s needs. We marry in hopes that
our spouse will make everything all right — that we will finally
be happy. But we tend to focus more on their meeting, or not
meeting, our needs than on how well we are meeting their needs.
Many couples are not even fully aware of what their personal
needs are and what their spouse’s needs are. Thus the necessity
of self-awareness and spouse-awareness!
Knowing
that couples need to consciously identify and share their specific
needs with each other (either verbally or preferably written)
can help couples prevent much pain and avoid missing out on
many precious feelings of love. I remember the story of a couple
whose 30-year marriage was on the verge of divorce when they
finally went to see a marriage counselor. After some discussion
the husband discovered for the first time what made his wife
feel loved. He was heartsick at the realization of what he could
have been doing all along that could have prevented so much
of their heartache. In anguish he exclaimed, “Why?! Why didn’t
somebody tell me about this sooner.”
Couples
need to identify their specific, individualized needs for love,
and share that vital information with each other. It can be
as simple as both of you making a list of statements that complete
the phrase, “I feel loved/cherished when you...” Sharing
this information is as if giving each other the very key to
your heart. These critical insights allow husbands and wives
to be more effective at loving each other meaningfully.
Meeting
each other’s needs for love can be challenging. Apparently
God knew that what our spouse most needs from us might also
be that which is most difficult for us to give. This may be
part of the divine design for personal refinement available
within marriage, as we stretch to meet our spouse’s needs. Every
time we stretch ourselves to love another, we receive personal
healing of our own hearts that moves us toward our own wholeness.
Each gift of love we give, especially those that are hard for
us, comes back to us greatly multiplied.
I
knew that one of the things my husband most needed from me was
for me to be happy. As I struggled with depression, being truly
happy was the thing I was least capable of giving him. The incredible
mountain climb I needed to make to overcome depression was ultimately
one of the greatest opportunities for my healing and wholeness
brought about within the crucible of marriage. It wasn’t just
new skills that were needed for me to be happy, but a thorough
excavation of my heart and soul. Had I avoided the invitation
to engage in some serious personal growth that overcoming depression
required it’s highly likely that another marriage and family
would have been destroyed.
There
are many other examples of the challenges associated with giving
the kind of love our spouse most need from us in order for him
or her to feel genuinely loved. One wife feels loved when her
husband buys her things, but that husband has the hardest time
spending money ... coming from a frugal family. In another marriage,
the husband feels loved when he hears words of praise, appreciation
and encouragement, but his wife’s natural inclination is to
criticize and look for faults. It is terribly difficult for
her to love her husband in the way he most needs her to. What
of the many men whose primary feelings of love come from expressions
of sexual love, whose wives have a disdain for sex? Obviously
significant self-awareness and development will be needed in
order to meet each other’s needs for love.
President
Hinckley taught, “If every husband and every wife would constantly
do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness
of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any,
divorce” (Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82) and I would
add — very much of personal healing and valuable growth.
6
— To remain receptive to ongoing opportunities for greater growth
and development.
The
sixth marital responsibility I will mention is the need for
each of us to remain receptive to the ongoing opportunities
that will be presented for our continuing growth and development.
In simpler terms we must maintain a soft heart. The state of
our heart is of utmost importance not only in our relationships,
but also to the Lord. The Lord asks us to offer him a “broken
heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20). Maybe our heartaches
help us give this gift of a softened heart, as our heart is
broken and refined within the inherent challenges of marriage.
How
might we maintain the state of a softened heart? Some suggestions
are:
- To be grateful in all things, acknowledging God’s
hand;
- To repent daily of our weaknesses;
- To be humble and teachable, always ready to learn;
- To forgive others and let go of offenses, turning
our heartaches over to the Lord;
- To have faith and believe in the positive in all
things;
- To nourish our hearts and minds with the Word of
God;
- To pray; and
- To submit to the Will of God, trusting Him, and
aligning our lives with Him.
Wouldn’t
it be wonderful for all couples to be fully aware of the demands
and delights of marriage, and for them to willingly agree to
commit to the required responsibilities? The expectations in
marriage would no longer be such a surprise, and the transition
from romantic love to real love would flow much more smoothly.
I’ve
always thought it might be helpful for couples to offer their
hearts in marriage by agreeing to some kind of mutual “Marital
Informed Consent” pledge. This would indicate their educated
understanding of the intricacies of marriage and the efforts
that will be required of them. Below is a sample of what couples
might want to personally consider, accept, and pledge their
souls to regarding the adventure we call marriage:
Marital Pledge
- I
pledge to come to know myself and develop greater self-awareness
by identifying my strengths and weaknesses. I pledge to focus
my attention and efforts on overcoming my weaknesses and building
upon my strengths. I commit myself to spend regular amounts
of time and effort to search my soul and connect with God
to teach me what I need to know about myself. I willingly
and humbly receive this learning.
- I
pledge to invest myself in an ongoing, internal self-development
process where I put in the necessary effort to overcome my
weaknesses, which will allow me to become more whole, as an
individual, and to become more one with my spouse and
God.
- I
pledge to learn to love and accept myself without conditions,
and to do the same for my spouse. I understand that unconditional
love is the best environment in which I and my spouse can
learn, grow and change.
- I
pledge to focus on my own weaknesses and my own contributions
to our marital challenges rather than on my spouse’s faults.
As a creator of my life with God-given agency, I pledge to
take full responsibility for my actions in any given situation.
- I
understand that marriage is about meeting each other’s needs,
even those needs that are difficult for me, or that require
significant stretching on my part. I pledge to change myself
in whatever ways are needed to be able to love my spouse and
meet his/her needs in the way they need me to. I understand
that by so doing I heal my own inadequacies and become more
whole.
- I
understand that I have naturally attracted someone whose needs
are well suited to require the inevitable growth I need to
become whole. This understanding will help me to see our marital
challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as proof
that I’ve married the wrong person.
- I
pledge to remain attentive to the state of my heart and engage
in those things that will help me maintain a softened heart,
so that I will be able to continue to learn and grow throughout
my life.
- I
understand that should I decide to end this marriage relationship
that the demanding personal growth necessary in marriage will
still be required in any future relationships.
“Happily
ever after” in marriage is possible. It is within reach for
all couples, but husbands and wives must understand and be willing
to do what it takes to create “happily ever after”! With a marital
road map to identify the required mountain climbs, as well as
some of the bumps and curves in the road, couples can be better
prepared and better equipped for the refiner’s fire we call
marriage. It is through the refiner’s fire that the yearning
for wholeness and intimate connection is ultimately fulfilled;
for marriage truly holds within its embrace the highest bliss,
the sweetest connectedness, the warmest touch, and the greatest
peace that life and eternity has to offer.
(For
more information, see Chapter 13 “Marital Stewardship — Covenants,
Commitment and Challenges” in the book And
They Were Not Ashamed — Strengthening Marriage through Sexual
Fulfillment.)
REFERENCES
Ban Breathnach, Sarah. Something More: Excavating
Your Authentic Self. New York: Warner Books, 1999.
Beam, Joe. Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually,
Sexually. West Monroe: Howard Publishing, 1999.
Doctrine and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine
Teacher’s Manual.
Salt Lake City, 1999.
Hendrix, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal
Guide. New York: Pocket Books, 1992.
Hinckley, Gordon B. “The Women in Our Lives,” Ensign,
Nov. 2004.
Oaks, Dallin H. “The Challenge to Become,” Ensign,
Nov. 2000.
Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE, is a marriage and family
life educator certified by the National Council on Family Relations,
and is the author of a groundbreaking book on physical intimacy
and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed – Strengthening
Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. For more information visit
www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Laura welcomes your comments at
laura@strengtheningmarriage.com
