The Adventure of Marriage
By Laura M. Brotherson, CFLE
“Happily
ever after” is possible in marriage, but few of us seem to understand,
or are willing to do what it takes to create “happily ever after.”
Often we are simply unaware of our responsibilities and the requirements
within marriage. The purpose of this article is to awaken our
minds to the responsibilities within marriage, and to fortify
our faith that marital ONEness is worth the effort.
Marriage is Central to God’s Plan
Marriage
is central to God’s eternal plan for good reason — it is divinely
designed as one of the great purifiers of the soul. Marriage holds
the potential for life’s greatest bliss, but blissful moments
are mixed in with a lot of soul‑expanding personal growth.
In designing marriage, God not only provided for the fulfillment
of our deepest longings for intimate connection, but also coupled
it with some of our greatest struggles to drive us toward wholeness.
Wholeness
may be described as our quest for perfection, as we strive to
smooth off our rough edges; to overcome our sins and weaknesses;
to develop our undeveloped capacities; to become fully alive and
fully functioning.
God
has provided an opportunity and commandment for personal refinement
within the adventure of marriage. He invites husband and wife
to leave their mother and father, and cleave unto each other and
become one (see Genesis 2:24). It is as if marriage itself
is an enrollment in an excavation of the heart, mind and soul
with the intent to graduate each of us into something more.
Marriage
is our invitation to become whole, while in the process of becoming
one with our spouse — emotionally, spiritually and physically.
We have the choice to avoid the hard work of stretching and purifying
our souls, or we can roll up our sleeves and go to work! To take
two different creatures from differing backgrounds and expect
a “coming together as one” is an adventure indeed.
While
there is much we can individually do to develop ourselves emotionally,
spiritually, and physically, the committed, vulnerable and intimate
relationship of marriage provides opportunities for growth that
may not be available any other way.
Marriage as Surprise “Grab Bag”
Marriage
is the ultimate surprise “grab bag” — where you never really know
what you’re going to get. Couples may not realize that within
marriage they will discover that their spouse has needs of which
neither of them were previously aware. Life itself throws a few
curve balls to challenge us. The ongoing process of learning and
growth also introduces new demands on the relationship. One example
might be of a spouse developing a debilitating or chronic illness
where each must develop new abilities to meet each other’s needs.
Not
understanding marriage as a “grab bag” leads some to feel they’ve
been cheated. They complain that what they thought they were getting
is not what they ended up with. The fact is that we are all taken
aback somewhat by what life and marriage hands us.
For
all couples, once the anesthesia and initial thrill of romantic
love wears off, we unexpectedly find ourselves with a new and
different relationship. We may even find that we, ourselves, are
not who we thought we were. I had no idea that I would experience
the devastation of depression, nor did my husband. That was certainly
a surprise that we found in our marital grab bag.
We
buy our marital grab bag with great hopes and expectations, believing
all will be well. If we will exercise faith, we can know that
all things will give us experience, and be for our ultimate good
(see D&C 122:7). It’s part of the divine design that our grab
bag comes with a no-return policy, so that we will hang in there
through the darkness and the pain in order to get to the light
and joy.
Some
who have not yet entered the adventure of marriage stand at the
sidelines longing to trade in their current pain of loneliness
for the joys that marriage affords. They are temporarily blinded
to the inherent pain and the costs connected to the joys of marriage.
Others stand outside the fire with fear and trepidation at the
thought of all that marriage entails, not understanding that the
trials are worth the treasure. Nothing can compare to the peace,
joy and delight available in marriage, but neither will anything
exact such a price.
Others
have entered the adventure of marriage, but they are unaware of
how to move from the initial high of romantic love, though the
fire of conflict into the awakening — transforming their relationship
into real love and intimate oneness. Many of these good
souls choose to exit the drama not knowing that it can lead them
to the greatest joys. Others hold on, but check out emotionally,
going through the motions of marriage just enough to get by.
My
hope is that all who read this article will be ardently aware
of the blessed adventure of marriage, and feel inspired to engage
themselves fully, so that they may find the exalted ecstasy that
God has prepared for them.
Required Responsibilities within Marriage
With
such an emphasis on simply “getting married” we sometimes forget
to continue the guidance that is needed for couples to be able
to create our dreams of “happily ever after.” The following are
some of the responsibilities that couples must accept in order
to create the fulfilling intimate relationship that is possible
in marriage:
Marital Responsibilities:
1 — To Become Self-aware
Self-awareness
is underdeveloped in many of us. We spend years and years studying
for success in a particular profession, yet very little time studying
ourselves for success in an intimate relationship. We enter marriage
nearly blind to the liabilities and even the assets we bring to
the relationship. While we may be ignorant of the potential problems
that await, we are also ignorant of the potential solutions already
within us.
- Self-discovery
journal. Self-discovery
is the process of uncovering who we really are — the good and
the bad. We need to consciously and confidently know our strengths,
as well as our weaknesses. We must regularly dedicate some of
our time and effort to taking inventory of our inner selves.
A “self-discovery journal” is one effective way to be more attentive
to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors on a daily basis. Journal
therapy is the method of reflecting on our thoughts or feelings,
and then putting them into words on paper to help us identify,
articulate and process our inner lives.
- Asking
questions. Asking
introspective questions can also open our minds to the answers
and insights that lie within — “Why do I do that?” “What is
this about?” “Where is this coming from?” “How do I really want
to be?” Developing an inquisitive mind about oneself opens the
door to daily revelations of information that are essential
to knowing yourself, and knowing how to unite intimately with
another human being. We have the help of our spirit self as
well as the Spirit of God to guide us in our introspection.
Committing this thought processing to paper provides additional
growth beyond solely “thinking” about it.
Becoming
self-aware can be a difficult process. We may not want to know
some things about ourselves. We each have hidden things about
ourselves that we don’t necessarily like. We’d rather just avoid
thinking about them, and hope they might just go away! In my own
quest to understand who I am I have uncovered many things that
have been disconcerting, yet pivotal to my greater understanding
and ultimate growth.
One
example is that somewhere I had developed an unhealthy emphasis
on my “doings” over my “being.” What I thought was such a strength
was also a weakness. I learned that I had somehow picked up the
idea that I had to “produce” or “accomplish” something to be of
worth — that my “being” alone was not enough. This has affected
my life and relationships in many ways, but being aware of this
insight has allowed me to make changes in myself that have resulted
in greater blessings.
2 — To Engage in Significant Self-development
It’s
been said that marriages don’t break up because of what couples
do to each other. They break up because of what each must become
in order to stay in them (see Ban Breathnach, Something More,
117). Change can be difficult. We often want to change the world
(and other people), but we don't want to change ourselves. We
think it’s the other person that needs to change, especially if
they have some obvious or identifiable flaw. But the reality is
that every challenge couples face in their marriage, provides
equal opportunity for each to purify and perfect their own souls,
if they will focus on their part.
While
we spend much of our time wishing our spouse would change, we
would be much more effective if we would focus on changing ourselves.
President Gordon B. Hinckley has promised that we can “live together
in the God-given pattern of marriage in accomplishing that of
which we are capable if we will exercise discipline of self and
refrain from trying to discipline our companion” (Hinckley, Ensign,
Nov. 2004, 82).
- Personal
growth is not optional within marriage. Know
that when you marry, it is not an optional activity to invest
yourself in an intensive self-directed personal development
“course.” Just plan on it. It will be less of a shock to you
when you are confronted with the requirement to change. Marriage
demands soul-stretching self-development in ways that are not
always easy or convenient. Healthy and happy marriages are most
likely to be experienced by those willing to step outside their
comfort zones and even expand them!
- Marriage
is therapy.
Marriage is designed as intimate therapy for our
heart and soul. We are naturally attracted to someone who will
push our buttons. Their personal needs and inner-self issues
will be well suited to help us see our weaknesses, and help
us attain wholeness. Dr. Harville Hendrix taught, "Marriage
itself is in essence therapy, and your partner's needs chart
your path to psychological and spiritual wholeness." (Hendrix,
Keeping the Love You Find, 247).
Within
the crucible of marriage I have been faced with many opportunities
for personal growth. One such opportunity presented itself as
I became aware of my relative resistance to touch and affection.
It’s often true that marriage attracts opposites, or at least
those with complementary characteristics. My husband was comfortable
with and welcomed touch and affection; whereas I felt I could
go without. This “positive” but opposing characteristic in my
husband provided a mirror, showing me how I could be, and inviting
me to change.
Over
time I have changed. Knowing personal growth is a requirement
in creating a satisfying relationship, I have learned to enjoy
touch and affection, even though it was a stretch for me. Where
I once could not fall asleep if my husband was touching me in
any way, I now cannot sleep if he is not!
If
you are a non-toucher, just plan on needing to become more of
a toucher. If you are non-expressive emotionally, just plan on
needing to become more emotionally expressive. If you are not
a sexual person, just plan on needing to become a more sexual
person. Having a preliminary understanding of the intricacies
and inherent adjustments needed in marriage can help you change
in ways that will be asked of you to keep your relationship alive
and growing.
Sometimes
we are tempted to say of our weaknesses, “That’s just the way
I am,” in hopes that our spouse will just forget about it or deal
with it. In marriage there is no such luxury of ignoring our imperfections
for long. President George Q. Cannon taught that we have a duty
to overcome our weaknesses by seeking those characteristics that
will counteract our “natural” tendencies. He said:
If
any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that
will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them.
What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will
correct these imperfections. If I am an angry man, it is my duty
to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind. Am I an
envious man? It is my duty to seek for charity, which envieth
not. So with all the gifts of the Gospel. They are intended for
this purpose. No man ought to say, “Oh, I cannot help this; it
is my nature.” He is not justified in it, for the reason that
God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and
to give gifts that will eradicate them (Doctrine and Covenants
and Church History Teacher’s Manual, 84-85; see also Millennial
Star, 23 Apr. 1894, 260).
God
has promised to show us our weaknesses, in order to humble us
and exhibit His power of grace to make our weaknesses into strengths
(see Ether 12:27). Consider the possibility that your spouse is
God’s way of helping you to see your imperfections through the
“marital mirror” that both husbands and wives hold up before each
other, allowing each to see things they might otherwise ignore.
In some ways getting married is like hiring a full-time witness
of your follies and weaknesses, with an inherent invitation to
overcome them.
- Get
educated and get help.
One of the saddest things I see is couples who
do not realize how much personal growth is needed in marriage,
and who wait too long to get help when they’ve exhausted their
own know-how. If couples could go into marriage knowing they
are going to need some extensive marriage education, as well
as the personal guidance available through professional counseling,
then maybe couples wouldn’t see counseling in such a stigmatized
way, nor would they wait so long to engage some professional
assistance.
What
a waste when a couple finally realizes they need counseling, but
one or both of them have hardened their hearts, and checked out
of the marriage to the extent that it is difficult, if not impossible,
to save the marriage and avert the inevitable heartbreak for all
involved.
Marriage
education classes, courses, conferences, books and seminars are
a few ways to learn the intricacies of marriage, and develop the
relationship skills necessary to create a happy and healthy marriage.
One mother wisely told her children to never pass up an opportunity
to attend any class or course on marriage. How wonderful it would
be if we all felt that same way about obtaining marriage education.
Professional
counseling is primarily educational as well, but can provide the
specific help that is often needed. I would suggest that nearly
every marriage can benefit from counseling, when sought with the
help of the Lord. Statistics show that very few couples in need
seek the assistance of counseling, even though it has the potential
to save the marriage and prevent heartbreak.
(For
more information on “Seeking Professional Help” see Appendix II
in the book And
They Were Not Ashamed.)
Don’t
wait until your marriage is on the brink before you begin the
humbling journey of self-reflection and development, or before
seeking specific marital assistance through counseling. Don’t
wait to be compelled to be humble.
3
— To Develop Unconditional Love and Acceptance for Self and Spouse.
God
has commanded us to love our neighbors (our spouse) as ourselves
(see Matthew 22:39). To love oneself requires that we know
who we really are, and accept who we are — our strengths and weaknesses.
With the self-awareness suggested above we can come to know and
accept who we are, which helps us become whole within ourselves.
It is then we are in a position to become “one” with another person.
Loving
and accepting ourselves unconditionally is an important first
step in being able to love our spouse. It is difficult to love
and accept another if we don’t love and accept our self. Our capacity
to love is related to our personal well-being — our mental, emotional,
and spiritual reserves or the “wholeness” of our heart. We can
increase our ability and capacity to love by increasing love and
acceptance for ourselves. If we do not develop sufficient love
for ourselves, our life becomes focused on getting love
instead of giving love.
Accepting
ourselves has a marvelous side effect — it frees us to change.
William James wisely stated, "When I accept myself as I am,
I change. When I accept others as they are, they change"
(Beam, Becoming One, 97). Acceptance is the key to unlock
divine potential within ourselves, and our spouse. It frees us
from limiting personal prisons we have created to protect ourselves.
Accepting our spouse frees them from the limiting ways in which
we see them, removing their defensiveness, which can open the
door for them to willingly change. The best way to get someone
to change is to let go of trying to change them.
Accepting
our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons
our spouse can help us learn. None of us are perfect, but we each
have God-given goodness if we will look for it. Having the ability
to love and accept another without conditions is to develop the
kind of love God has for each of us.
Focusing
our attention on another’s strengths and goodness helps us to
let go of trying to “fix” them, and allows them to learn and grow
in their own time and space. This state of unconditional love
and acceptance creates the ideal conditions for one’s maximum
potential growth and development. If there is built-up resentment
or bitterness over past errors, seek God’s grace to soften your
heart. A softened heart allows us to grant the gift of forgiveness,
in order to make way for unconditional love and acceptance.
4 — To Become Whole, in Order to Become One.
God
our Father and Jesus Christ have asked us to be one, husband
and wife, even as they are one (see John 17:22). God has
also said, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C
38:27). The self-awareness, self-development and self-acceptance
that have been suggested above are for the purpose of restoring
our individual wholeness, of overcoming our imperfections, and
of gaining in areas that we are lacking, so that we may become
one with our spouse and with God.
Knowing
that the ultimate ideal we are working toward is our personal
wholeness and marital oneness can help us see that our
difficult efforts are worth it, and help spur us on amidst the
soul-rending process.
5 — To Identify and Be Willing to Stretch to Meet Your
Spouse’s Needs.
Marriage
is about meeting each other’s needs. We marry in hopes that our
spouse will make everything all right — that we will finally be
happy. But we tend to focus more on them meeting, or not meeting,
our needs than on how well we are meeting their needs. Many couples
are not even fully aware of what their personal needs are and
what their spouse’s needs are. Thus the necessity of self-awareness
and spouse-awareness!
Knowing
that there needs to be a conscious identifying and sharing of
needs can help couples prevent much pain and avoid missing out
on many precious feelings of love. I remember the story of a couple
whose 30-year marriage was on the verge of divorce when they finally
went to see a marriage counselor. After some discussion the husband
discovered for the first time what made his wife feel loved. He
was heartsick at the realization of what he could have been doing
all along that could have prevented so much of their heartache.
In anguish he exclaimed, “Why?! Why didn’t somebody tell me about
this sooner?”
Couples
need to identify their specific, individualized needs for love,
and share that vital information with each other. It can be as
simple as both of you making a list of statements that complete
the phrase, “I feel loved/cherished when you...” To share
this information is as if giving each other the very key to your
heart. These critical insights allow husbands and wives to be
more effective at loving each other meaningfully.
- Meeting
each other’s needs for love can be challenging. Apparently God knew that what our spouse most needs
from us might also be that which is most difficult for us to
give. This may be part of the divine design for personal refinement
within marriage, as we are required to stretch to meet our spouse’s
needs. Every time we stretch ourselves to love another, we receive
personal healing of our own hearts that moves us toward our
own wholeness. Each gift of love we give, especially those that
are hard for us, comes back to us greatly multiplied.
President
Hinckley taught, “If every husband and every wife would constantly
do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness
of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce”
(Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2004, 82).
There
are many examples of the challenges associated with loving our
spouse the way they most need to be loved. One wife feels loved
when her husband buys her things, but that husband has the hardest
time spending money ... coming from a frugal family. In another
marriage, the husband feels loved when he hears words of praise,
appreciation and encouragement, but his wife’s natural inclination
is to criticize and look for faults. It is terribly difficult
for her to love her husband in the way he most needs her to. What
of the many men whose primary feelings of love come from sexual
love, whose wives have a disdain for sex? Obviously significant
self-awareness and development will be needed in order to meet
each other’s needs for love.
6 — To Remain Receptive to Ongoing Opportunities for
Greater Growth and Development.
The
sixth marital responsibility I will mention is the need for each
of us to remain receptive to the ongoing opportunities that will
be presented for our continuing growth and development. In simpler
terms we must maintain a soft heart. The state of our heart is
of utmost importance not only in our relationships, but also to
the Lord. The Lord asks us to offer him a “broken heart and a
contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20). Maybe our heartaches help us
give this gift to God, as our heart is softened and purified within
the inherent challenges of marriage.
How
might we maintain the state of a softened heart? Some suggestions
are:
· To
be grateful in all things, acknowledging God’s hand;
·
To repent daily
of our weaknesses;
·
To be humble and
teachable, always ready to learn;
·
To forgive others
and let go of offenses, turning our heartaches over to the Lord;
·
To have faith and
believe in the positive in all things;
·
To nourish our
hearts and minds with the word of God;
·
To pray; and
·
To submit to the
will of God, aligning our lives with Him.
Wouldn’t
it be wonderful for all couples to be fully aware of the demands
and delights of marriage, and for them to willingly agree to commit
to the required responsibilities? The expectations would no longer
be such a surprise, and the transition from romantic love to real
love could flow so much more smoothly.
I’ve
always thought it might be helpful for couples to offer their
hearts in marriage by agreeing to some kind of mutual “Marital
Informed Consent” pledge. This would indicate their educated understanding
of the intricacies of marriage and the efforts that will be required
of them. Below is a sample of what couples might want to personally
consider, accept and pledge their souls to regarding the adventure
we call marriage:
Marital Pledge
·
I pledge to come
to know myself and develop greater self-awareness by identifying
my strengths and weaknesses. I pledge to focus my attention and
efforts on overcoming my weaknesses and building upon my strengths.
I commit myself to spend regular amounts of time and effort to
search my soul and connect with God to teach me what I need to
know about myself. I willingly and humbly receive this learning.
·
I pledge to invest
myself in an ongoing, internal self-development process where
I put in the necessary effort to overcome my weaknesses, which
will allow me to become more whole, as an individual, and to become
more one with my spouse and God.
·
I pledge to learn
to love and accept myself without conditions, and to do the same
for my spouse. I understand that unconditional love is the best
environment for myself, and for my spouse to learn, grow and change.
·
I pledge to focus
on my own weaknesses and my own contributions to our marital challenges
rather than on my spouse’s faults. As a creator of my life with
God-given agency, I pledge to take full responsibility for my
actions in any given situation.
·
I understand that
marriage is about meeting each other’s needs, even those needs
that are difficult for me, or that require significant stretching
on my part. I pledge to change myself in whatever ways are needed
to be able to love my spouse and meet his/her needs in the way
they need me to. I understand that by so doing I heal my own inadequacies
and become more whole.
·
I understand that
I have naturally attracted someone whose needs are well suited
to require the inevitable growth I need to become whole. This
understanding will help me to see our marital challenges as opportunities
for growth rather than as proof that I’ve married the wrong person.
·
I pledge to remain
attentive to the state of my heart and engage in those things
that will help me maintain a softened heart, so that I will be
able to continue to learn and grow throughout my life.
·
I understand that
should I decide to end this marriage relationship that the demanding
personal growth necessary in marriage will still be required in
any future relationships.
“Happily
ever after” in marriage is possible. Marriage holds within its
embrace the highest bliss, the closest togetherness, the warmest
touch, and the greatest peace. With a marital road map to identify
the curves in the road and the required mountain climbs, couples
can be better prepared and better equipped for the refiner’s fire
in marriage. It is through the refiner’s fire that the yearning
for intimate connection is ultimately fulfilled; for marriage
truly holds the ultimate ecstasy and joy that life and eternity
has to offer.
(For
more information, see Chapter 13 “Marital Stewardship—Covenants,
Commitment and Challenges” in the book And They
Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.)
REFERENCES
Ban
Breathnach, Sarah. Something More: Excavating Your Authentic
Self. New York: Warner Books, 1999.
Beam,
Joe. Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually, Sexually.
West Monroe: Howard Publishing, 1999.
Doctrine
and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine Teacher’s Manual. Salt Lake City, 1999.
Hendrix,
Harville. Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide.
New York: Pocket Books, 1992.
Hinckley,
Gordon B. “The Women in Our Lives,” Ensign, Nov. 2004.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laura
M. Brotherson is a marriage and family life educator (CFLE) certified
by the National Council on Family Relations, and is the author
of a ground breaking new book on sexual intimacy and marital ONEness
entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage
through Sexual Fulfillment. For more information visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
Laura welcomes your comments at
laura@strengtheningmarriage.com
