When to Teach

When children are young, they are more teachable. Alma taught, “Learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God” (Alma 37:35). Teaching the topic of sexuality is no exception to the counsel to “learn in thy youth.” Having appropriate discussions about sexuality and the body when children are young helps them develop a healthy foundation for sexual relations within marriage.

Some parents think sexuality doesn’t need to be addressed until the teen years or until an engagement. A Parent’s Guide, published by the Church, states, “Ideally, you should use the first eight to twelve years of a child’s life to prepare him for his teenage years. If you wait until adolescence to teach your children about the changes of puberty and about intimate relationships, you may not be able to influence them as easily” (Parent’s Guide, 35). Certainly preemptive teaching is best, but it’s never too late. Even if your child is about to turn sixteen, or is engaged to be married, the suggestions here can still be applied effectively.

The four most critical times that teaching is needed are: (1) before the age of accountability; (2) before puberty; (3) before dating; and (4) before marriage.

Before Accountability. Before the age of accountability, children cannot sin because Satan has no power to tempt them (see Doctrine & Covenants 29:47). After age eight, children become exposed to Satan’s deceptions. Parents must do everything they can early on to provide a foundation of light and truth to fortify them against the cunning of Satan. Parents must impart appropriate sexual understanding prior to the age of accountability to prepare their children to counter the world’s distorted perspectives.

It is the parents’ responsibility to determine their child’s readiness for any particular sexual topic including the depth of details. Do not excuse yourself by saying your child is too young for such teachings. Be careful to distinguish your child’s “lack of readiness” from your own inhibitions and reluctance. Do not miss out on the opportunity to be the first to build a healthy sexual foundation for your child. Otherwise you may be playing “catch up” for some time, as you strive to undo the damage done by those who distort God’s plan and holy purposes for sexual relations in marriage.

Before Puberty. While “physical puberty” may begin around the age of eleven, “social puberty” often begins when a child enters school (around age 6). Before puberty children need to understand what will be happening to their bodies and know that it is a natural and wonderful part of God’s plan. Proactively teaching a positive sexual attitude and approach prevents the negative, distorted, and corrupted worldly philosophies from taking hold.

During preadolescence and puberty, be attentive as your children begin to experience the changes of maturation. Be there to prepare, reassure, and teach them about what they are experiencing—to calm their fears and to answer their questions. The same gender parent is best suited to explain the physiological, social, emotional, and psychological changes a child is experiencing. If the parent/child relationship is good, this open discussion will calm their fears and prevent emotional disturbances.

Before Dating. Before dating begins, parent(s) and child can welcome the upcoming birthday with a special parent/child date to practice and prepare for dating, where counsel is given and previous discussions are reviewed. Making father/daughter and mother/son dates regular occasions ensures ongoing opportunities for parent/child bonding and heart-to-heart discussions of delicate subjects. Dating standards and suggestions can be shared in an air of anticipation and excitement for the approaching rite of passage.

Before Marriage. If parents have strived to maintain an open relationship, and have sufficiently met emotional needs along the way, parents can provide more specific lovemaking information and techniques as a child prepares to leave for their honeymoon. Where else might a daughter appropriately learn what it might mean to be “sexy”? The “good girl” who has carefully remained chaste will benefit from some very specific intimate information. If the parent/child relationship allows, reading and discussing Chapters 3 and 4 “The Symphony of the Female Sexual Response” in the book And They Were Not Ashamed would be an excellent way to impart some of the intricacies of the sexual response.

How to Teach

The following are some suggestions for how to effectively provide sex-related teachings:

Fill Love Bucket First. Investing time and effort to give extra attention and love prior to a special parent/child date/discussion can pay rich dividends. Sex discussions are more effective if both parent and child feel love and warmth toward each other. The best way for teaching to be received and internalized by your children is to see that you are first meeting their emotional needs by creating a loving and trusting relationship. Providing for your children’s emotional needs prepares their heart and mind to be more receptive to your teachings and to the Spirit.

Ongoing Discussions and Teaching Opportunities. The quantity alone of important information that needs to be discussed requires that sex education be more than a one-time event. Gone are the days of having one “big talk” about the “birds and the bees.” Ongoing opportunities are needed, and parents must generally create them. A yearly discussion would be ideal, but be sure to at least catch the important “when’s” before age eight, before puberty, before dating and before marriage. One event for sex education does not provide sufficient opportunities for additional information as the child matures, nor does it allow for incorrect teachings that have accumulated to be addressed.

Prepare a Discussion Outline. You may need to do some homework to prepare yourself to teach and answer questions that may arise. Having a discussion outline allows you to think through what you want to teach and personally tailor the discussion to the age, gender, and maturity level of each child. By preparing your own discussion outline, you also re-teach yourself and often address your own negative beliefs and inhibitions.

Make It a Special Occasion. Sex education can become a special family tradition. If you make this an enjoyable event—perhaps at a restaurant or ice cream parlor—children will begin to eagerly anticipate their annual tradition of a special date and discussion with Mom or Dad to receive the “next installment” of their sex education. Make the atmosphere one of relaxed enjoyment of each other’s company.

Schedule One-on-one. One-on-one discussions make it easier to assure the sacredness, specialness, and reverence of the occasion. A successful interaction is more likely when one parent and one child can discuss and address personal issues and questions in a casual atmosphere without the child feeling “ganged up on.” This format allows questions and answers to be more freely exchanged. It also allows adjustments to be made to match the interest and maturity level of each child, including the appropriate quantity and depth of information to be provided.

Begin with Prayer. There may be no other occasion that requires more divine guidance and inspiration than that of sex-related teachings. Begin each parent/child discussion with prayer.

Do Dialogue, Don’t Lecture. No one likes to sit through a lecture. Using questions and encouraging discussion can make the learning more meaningful. At times it may be better to answer questions with a question so that you can better understand what your child really wants and needs to know. If a child is only ready for a cupful of information, don’t pour a bucketful over them.

Teach the Correct Behavior. Teaching is more effective when you teach what to do instead of what not to do. Parents should suggest the desired behavior rather than condemn the negative behavior. If you tell your kids what they are doing wrong, they immediately visualize themselves doing it wrong, thus reinforcing the negative behavior. If we instead tell them to “save sexual expression for marriage,” for instance, they create a positive picture of what God wants them to do.

Focus on the Blessings. As you develop your own conviction of the sanctity of sexual relations, you will have more power to teach the positives and blessings of sexuality. Sprinkle awe and wonder throughout your teachings with statements such as, “Isn’t your body amazing!” or, “Aren’t you glad God made you this way?” or, “Isn’t that a wonderful way for mommies and daddies to show their love for each other!”

Teach by Example. President Howard W. Hunter taught that the greatest thing parents can do for their children is to love each other (see Hunter, “Being a Righteous Husband and Father,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 49). In the Marriage and Family Relations manual published by the Church, we read, “Children . . . learn true principles of moral purity by the way their parents treat each other, by the types of literature and other media that their parents allow in the home, and by the way their parents speak about the sacred power of procreation” (Marriage and Family Relations Instructor’s Manual, 72). Children learn more from the example of their parents than from their words. If a child is taught, “sex is sacred,” but sees his mother rebuff the father’s kisses that can create confusion for the child. If parents can model a healthy acceptance and respect for their own sexuality, their children will be more likely to develop a healthy acceptance and respect for theirs.

Our Experience

Personally motivated by the Sunday School Marriage and Family Relations Course we were teaching, my husband and I felt prompted to begin building a healthy sexual foundation in our oldest son. We began to pray about it and prepare for it, wanting to forestall the negative information he was already beginning to receive at school.

We determined it would be best for my husband to begin this sexual teaching with a special father and son date and I assisted by studying and preparing an outline for my husband to use. The outline/script reduced the fear of not knowing what to say and made the discussion flow more smoothly. It also gave us the opportunity to determine what specifically we wanted to cover for our son at his particular age and readiness.

One Saturday morning my husband and our son went out for lunch at McDonald’s then went to a church parking lot for the discussion. We had been telling our son about this special event he would be having just with Daddy, so he was excited for it and felt honored that he was so privileged. This first talk occurred when our son was about seven and one-half years old.

About a year and a half later, when he was almost nine, it was Mommy’s turn for a mother/son discussion. We decided to go to Pizza Hut for lunch one Saturday. We had the discussion right there in the restaurant sitting side by side in a booth. The distractions of lunch provided good little intermissions for our interaction.

My husband and I essentially used the same outline, though I may have gone into a little more depth to account for our son’s increased understanding and experience. In Chapter 16 of the book, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment we provide the actual outline as one example of how parents might take the information that was given in the “What to Teach” article (Part II) and condense it into a first sex discussion for a young boy. Our first discussion included the following topics: