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Dealing
with Differences in Marriage
By Sean E. Brotherson
Introduction
Marriage
is not without its challenges. Although designed by God
to bring couples together as husband and wife, at times
there are differences or difficulties that couples experience
which they allow to drive them apart instead. We would
do well to remember that the ultimate pleasure of Satan,
who desires to destroy marriage relationships, is to see
us divided from each other, separated, or even symbolically
“at war” with each other.
The
weapons of pain that a husband or wife may use in marriage
are less often physical threats or abuses than they are
other kinds of weapons. In any case, it is important
for us to learn to deal with differences in ways that
are caring and kind, rather than cutting or hurtful.
How can we deal successfully with differences in marriage?
Understanding the Differences You Experience
Normally,
when you talk about the differences that people experience
in marriage the term that gets used is “conflict resolution.”
I don’t like that term much. Why? Well, because it assumes
that because people have differences then that automatically
means they also have conflicts. Do conflicts occur between
husbands and wives in marriage? Yes. But conflicts are
not inevitable and they do not have to constantly recur.
It
is not so much the differences we experience that are
important, but the attitude we adopt toward those differences
and how we approach one another in managing those differences.
It is easy to make a laundry list of items that couples
may tussle about or find fault with each other or exchange
bitter words about in their relationship. We tend to
see difficulties about:
·
In-law relationships
·
Money management
·
Balancing couple
time and work responsibilities
·
Sharing household
work and child care
·
Sexual intimacy
·
Debt difficulties
·
Personal habits
·
Communication patterns
·
Activities with friends
·
Raising children
and discipline
These
and many other items may become points of conflict and
eventually contention between husbands and wives. So,
do we need a separate strategy for dealing with each of
these potential areas of difficulty? Tips and tools for
working on these areas of a relationship can be helpful,
but again, thinking about how to deal with differences
overall helps us to get to the root of the problem.
My
friend, Wally Goddard, likes to cite research on marital
differences done by Dr. John Gottman that suggests about
70% of couples’ problem-solving discussions were around
perpetual issues that were not likely to solved. This
pattern of recurrent discussions about the same issues
over and over tends to result in gridlock. Couples make
little or no progress toward understanding, mutual agreement
or peace. Rather than trying new formulas to work out
the differences that may take place on the same matters
over and over again, he advocates that couples begin with
a desire to understand each other and be accepting of
differences. This he suggests occurs “not as mind reading,
but as empathetic perspective-taking,” or taking the time
to put yourself in the other person’s place and be respectful
of their thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes
we come from different backgrounds regarding how differences
are handled in family relationships. These differing
backgrounds may have a lot to do with how we ourselves
think a challenge ought to be approached. Think of your
own family background. Did your parents talk things over?
Or did they separate until they could feel positive again
and then just move on? Did things get discussed in front
of the children? Was conflict obvious? Or did such discussions
take place in quiet tones and behind closed doors so it
seemed that there was always a unified front? Was there
energy and strong opinions and raised voices at times?
Or was there avoidance of contention and a focus on making
peace?
When
we are used to a particular style of handling differences,
we may find that the person we marry has a completely
different understanding of how to handle differences.
Understanding each other’s backgrounds and patterns of
thinking about how to resolve differences can be very
helpful. Let me share an example.
When
my wife and I married, we each came from strong Latter-day
Saint families with very different ways of handling a
discussion. In my family, we engaged each other with
lots of debate and energy, trying to make our points but
also attempting to be gracious as needed. We didn’t focus
so much on soothing each other’s emotions as we did on
saying what we wanted to say. We had a boisterous, engaging,
but loving style of communication and interaction. In
my wife’s family, they engaged each other with caution
and sensitivity to feelings. They did not raise voices
and they were careful to soothe feelings rather than say
what they wanted at any given time. Her family had a
quiet, careful, and also loving style of communication
and interaction. The big question after we got married
– which style was right?
The
first few weeks after my wife and I married, at some point
an issue came up that we had different feelings about
and we proceeded to try and “solve the problem.” Each
of us proceeded in our own way based on the family patterns
that we knew and had adopted from our own families. I
wanted to make my point about whatever the issue was,
and so I tried to debate my wife’s opinion and focus on
getting that point across. She saw my energy and emotion
and figured that this was foreign territory, and so she
focused on making me feel that whatever I said was fine
and making peace between us. Did we achieve peace? Not
really. I felt that the discussion was unresolved because
no real discussion had occurred and she felt her feelings
were bruised because I had focused on making my point
rather than caring about her feelings. I thought she
was too emotional and quiet. She thought that I was too
argumentative and that we might get a divorce.
We
don’t remember the issue at stake today. But from that
point on we began to learn the differences between us
in how we approached our differences of opinion. We learned
to not take it personally when the other person reacted
somewhat differently than we might. We learned to state
our thoughts clearly and to be sympathetic to each other’s
feelings and points of view. We traded thoughts about
how our parents did things and how we wanted to do things.
Differences Are Not Necessarily Deficiencies
Every
couple has little thoughts or sayings that seem to mark
important turning points in their understanding of each
other and the love language they share. One that has
been a prominent theme for us is a simple five words:
Differences are not necessarily deficiencies.
We
took a marriage enrichment class together and one night
the graduate instructor, a woman, was talking about the
difficulties that couples may experience and how to resolve
conflict. Then she summarized her point by saying, “I
think it’s important for us all to remember that differences
are not necessarily deficiencies.”
What
a great five words!
Differences
are not necessarily deficiencies!
What
happens when you see a difference in your marital companion’s
views or habits or thoughts as a deficiency? You tend
to make a judgment that whatever your husband or wife
thinks or says is somehow:
- Illogical
- Mistaken
- Wrong
- Not making sense
- Stubborn
- Mean
- Hurtful
- Insensitive
These
and other adjectives are often the terms we use to describe
a difference that we have decided is a deficiency. To
look down at someone else’s view and describe it as wanting
or mistaken or stubborn is closely associated with pride.
To look sideways at someone else’s view and accept it
as different, unique, creative, or just, well, different
from your own is more closely associated with humility
and understanding.
If
we begin our approach to dealing with differences, as
Wally Goddard suggests, with understanding and an empathetic,
caring approach to the other person’s thoughts and feelings,
we may well see that the deficiency is not in a spouse’s
view but in our own tendency to be critical or dismissive
or judgmental. We may find that we need to repent. We
may find that we need to recognize differences are not
necessarily deficiencies.
I
taught a class in preparation for marriage a number of
years ago at Brigham Young University, and in the class
was a young, engaged couple. They were bright and fun
and looking forward to their lives together. I made a
point of emphasizing in that class the idea that “differences
are not necessarily deficiencies.” As with any class,
I had no idea whether any person who attended would take
away some useful concepts or not. I still remember the
day a couple of years later when Ben, the young student
I had taught who was engaged, ran into me on the university
campus and the first thing he said to me was: “Brother
Brotherson, differences are not necessarily deficiencies!
Differences are not deficiencies!”
Good
job, Ben.
Bury Your Weapons of War
I
was very enlightened recently by someone’s treatment of
the war chapters in the Book of Mormon and their lessons
for our lives. I was touched most by the account of the
people of Ammon in the book of Alma, a group who converted
to Christ and then covenanted to give up their weapons
of war rather than bear them ever again against those
they had fought previously. They came together and brought
their swords, spears, shields, bucklers, any weapons of
war they might have carried, and then committed to bury
them away. Alma 24:17 recounts:
“And
now it came to pass that when the king had made an end
of these sayings, and all the people were assembled together,
they took their swords, and all the weapons which were
used for the shedding of man’s blood, and they did bury
them up deep in the earth.”
Think
of this statement and then think of all the weapons that
we might use against each other as husbands and wives.
Sharp, cutting words. Insults. Angry gestures. Cruel
comments. Withdrawal of affection. Emotional alienation.
Apathy and unwillingness to respond. All of these and
other chosen acts or words may become weapons of war,
as it were, if we do not learn to accept and understand
differences that may occur.
There
is a gradual movement that takes place when an issue becomes
conflictual that tends to follow this pattern:
Discussion
-- Differences -- Disagreement – Divisiveness versus
Acceptance
This
article does not address how to deal carefully with differences
that may require intervention or problems that consist
of moral difficulties or even crimes. Yet most differences
in marriage do not consist of one person committing a
crime, such as robbing a bank, and the spouse disagreeing
with that action. Most differences are much smaller differences
in opinion, thought, judgment, habit, or activity, and
yet in judging these differences we may, in a sense, commit
crimes against each other. Crimes of insensitivity, rudeness,
hurtfulness, anger, resentment, or cruel criticism.
We
may allow differences to escalate to disagreement and
then eventually to divisiveness, and thus separation and
pain. We may take up weapons of war against each other.
And in doing so, if we were to stop and listen, we would
hear Satan’s laughter for he has led us astray.
But
there is a mighty lesson in the teachings of the Book
of Mormon regarding the people of Ammon and their willingness
to bury their weapons of war. They saw that in making
war they would hurt not only others, but that they would
hurt themselves and their standing before the Lord. They
saw that in inflicting pain on others they might also
inflict pain on He who bears all pain, the Lord Jesus
Christ, and they feared that “perhaps, if we should stain
our swords again they can no more be washed bright through
the blood of the Son of our great God, which shall be
shed for the atonement of our sins” (Alma 24:13). And
so they made a commitment to bury their weapons of war.
Alma
24:19 tells us:
“And
thus we see that, when these Lamanites were brought to
believe and to know the truth, they were firm, and would
suffer even unto death rather than commit sin; and
thus we see that they buried their weapons of peace, or
they buried the weapons of war, for peace.”
And
thus we see . . . [that they] buried the weapons of war,
for peace. For peace.
We
ourselves ought to bury our weapons of war – our hurtful
words, our careless insults, our angry demands. Do we
criticize and condemn? Do we withhold love and affection?
Do we give only our words or actions but not our hearts
to our interactions with the one we have married?
I
love the following statement and its wise application
to dealing with differences in marriage:
“In
essentials, let there be unity; in non-essentials, liberty;
in all things, charity.”
In
all things, we should exercise charity.
The Four C’s of Dealing with Differences
Dr.
Brent Barlow, a Brigham Young University professor, taught
me in a class years ago about what he has called the “
Four C’s” of dealing with differences. They are simple
and easy to remember, and if not, write them down and
carry them on a card in your wallet or purse. When we
find ourselves needing to deal with differences, we can
ask if one of these strategies might apply to our efforts.
The First C - Coexist
This
strategy refers to our decision simply to accommodate
the other person’s desire or view and to simply coexist.
In essence, we agree to disagree. Sometimes our desires
will be different and the best solution is for each person
to go their separate ways. For example, one spouse may
want to spend the evening reading a favorite book while
the other wants to go out and see a new movie. What do
you do? At times, it is fine for the one who wants to
read a book to stay home and read it while the other goes
to see the movie. This is an example of simply accommodating
each other’s desires and choosing to allow differences
to coexist.
The Second C - Capitulate
Capitulate
is a big words that basically means something simple,
which is to give in or acquiesce to the other person’s
wishes. If you decide to capitulate, you decide to handle
a difference by agreeing to the other individual’s view
or desire. How might this work? Imagine that you were
shopping together at the store and you both had particular
items you wanted to buy. He wants to splurge and buy
steak this week while she figures it would be fun to try
a new kind of delicious ice cream. But on a limited budget,
you can’t afford both. What do you do? In this situation
it may be effective for one person to capitulate, or simply
to say, “Okay, if you want ice cream then let’s make it
ice cream and be happy about it!” In other words, the
husband would give in to the desire for ice cream. The
curious thing about this strategy is that it is highly
effective, it allows couples to give the gift of acceptance
to each other . . . and few couples do it effectively.
I am amazed at the number of husbands and wives, myself
included, who fail to use this concept effectively. It
does require balance, and no spouse should be required
or coerced to capitulate or give in and couples should
make sure that one spouse does not give in all the time
while the other gets his or her way. But it is a way
at times to give a gift of oneself; learn about someone
else’s thoughts or desires than your own, and experience
the adventure of being led by the one you love.
The Third C - Compromise
The
art of compromise is the third “C” of dealing with differences.
Compromise essentially refers to the effort to negotiate
with each other about differences and create a “mutual
way” that requires each person to give in to a degree.
Compromise is another important but too often neglected
practice that couples can employ in working through differences.
My wife and I have found this to be effective in one of
our perpetual areas of difference—doing the dishes. We
do not mind doing the dishes at all, it is simply that
we each do the dishes quite differently. And we each
think that our way is the right way. My way is the slow,
scrub-all-the-dishes, use-hot-water and take-your-time
way. It’s relaxing. It’s fun. It works. My wife’s
way is the quick, move-things-along, why-waste-your-time-on-dishes
way. It’s efficient. It’s effective. It works. My
way, of course, is better, which I can say since she is
not writing this. But the point is, we have learned to
compromise. When we are in the kitchen together, if I
am doing the dishes then she gives in and lets me do them
my way, and if she is doing them then I let her do them
her way. But when we are doing them together, we each
give a little and each allows the other to do some of
it the way he or she prefers. And we get along and the
dishes get done. Though my way is still right. Unless
my wife reads this, then her way is right. Or, we’re
just both right and that’s okay – we compromise.
The Fourth C - Collaborate
To
collaborate in dealing with differences is to go beyond
the differences and find a solution that allows both of
your views or desires to be valued and realized and accomplished.
It involves working together to create a win-win solution,
or a solution that lets both of you feel validated. What
does that mean? Well, if it’s date night and you both
want to go out together, but one wants to go to dinner
while the other wants to see a movie . . . what if the
babysitter can only stay two hours? No movie and dinner
in two hours. Only one activity can be done. What do
you do? Well, this is where creativity and collaboration
comes in. Maybe you breeze through a fast-food take-out
stand and then see a drive-in movie (if you can find one)
– eat and watch at the same time. Or order in a meal
and watch a movie at home together on the couch – babysitter
takes the kids to the park. Or save your money till next
week when you have more time on an evening to do both
dinner and a movie. Or so on and so on . . . be creative.
I’m sure you all have a dozen good ideas about how you
might collaborate so both husband and wife get what they
desire in this situation—through collaboration.
Conclusion
In
a world of too much pain and difficulty, we as husbands
and wives need to bury the weapons we bear and seek peace
with one another. We can find peace only as we deal constructively
with our differences, exchanging impatience or insensitivity
with caring and compassion. We can recognize that:
- Dealing with differences ought to begin with acceptance;
- Differences are not necessarily deficiencies;
- Burying our weapons of war brings peace; and
- To coexist, capitulate, compromise, or collaborate
can bring solutions to the challenges that we face together.
Let’s
resolve, as President Hinckley has invited, to be more
kind, patient, loving, and gentle with each other, to
deal with our differences in love, and to follow the example
of He who knows our differences and helps us to bridge
them, Jesus Christ.
(You
can share any comments or feedback with Sean Brotherson
at brotherson@meridianmagazine.com
- look forward to hearing from you!).
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