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By Laura M. Brotherson
(This
article is excerpted from the forthcoming book, And
They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through
Sexual Fulfillment, Chapter 2, “The Sanctity of
Sexual Relations in Marriage—Building a Foundation
of Faith.” To be published March 2004. Visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com for
further details.)
For
Latter-day Saints, the most critical sources of insight
and understanding for issues of importance are the
Holy Scriptures and the teachings of the prophets.
When it comes to marriage, one topic in particular
requires a healthy understanding of the Lord’s perspective—physical
intimacy between husband and wife. Yet too often the
world rules the dialogue on this subject, ruining our
perspective on sexuality.
Satan has surrounded sexuality with mists of darkness,
clouding our vision and that of our children. Even
within the divinely ordained sexual relationship in
marriage, darkness remains. Satan’s preeminence on
this topic allows him to spread his perspective like
wildfire without much hindrance. There is barely a
faint whisper to counterbalance the world’s distorted
perspective. Great is the need for God's plan and purposes
for physical intimacy within marriage to be heard above
the roar of the world’s philosophies. The Lord's divine
design of marital sexuality needs more airtime.
The
purpose of this article is to share faith-promoting
statements and scriptures to restore light and truth
to sexual relations in marriage, building a foundation
upon which sexual fulfillment can flourish. As you
read and ponder the affirming scriptures and statements,
they will strengthen your belief in the sanctity, holiness,
purity and virtue of sex, and wash over you like a
flood of pure and living water. As we begin to change
the collective energy about sexuality to a more healthy
and positive force, great blessings will result.
Understanding
Physical Intimacy in Marriage—A Gift from God
Most people have heard newlyweds express concern about
having sexual relations even after they are married.
Referring to their honeymoon, young couples have been
known to wonder, “Are we in trouble for what we did
last night?” or “Are you sure what we did was
okay?” In response to these types of concerns, President
Spencer W. Kimball stated, “Husband and wife . . .
are authorized, in fact they are commanded, to have
proper sex when they are properly married for time
and eternity" (Kimball, Teachings of Spencer
W. Kimball, 1982, p. 312).
John and Brenda had been married early in the morning.
Later that day John walked into the church alone to
help set up decorations for the evening reception.
His uncle was surprised to see him there alone. The
uncle inquired as to where his new bride was, and the
young groom confided that they had planned to arrive
separately so that no one would think anything inappropriate
was going on. The uncle shook his head in disbelief. "You’re
married now,” he said. “It’s a commandment."
A
troubled understanding of physical intimacy and its
proper role in marriage may also exist for couples
who have been married many years. After 35 years of
marriage and eight children, Bernice announced to her
husband that there would be no more bedroom activity. "I’m
not going to corrupt myself with any more of this.
Sex is an ugly, unholy, carnal act and I’ll have no
more of it."
The
two stories shared above identify some of the heartache,
distorted beliefs and difficulties couples face in
the sexual dimension of marriage. For some, sex is
positive. Others understand this intellectually, but
don’t really feel it in their heart. Shame, guilt,
and other negative feelings remain associated with
sex, even though they “know” it is approved within
marriage.
Our
intellectual knowledge must go deeper. We must overcome
the “Good Girl Syndrome,” which is the negative conditioning,
teaching—or lack of teaching—that leads to negative
thoughts and feelings about sex and the body. We must
shift our focus from the evils and warnings regarding
sex to the proper and divine role of sexual intimacy
in our lives. To gain this heavenly perspective can
be an absolutely transforming experience.
Traci
found hope and help in the inspired words of the scriptures
and church leaders. Traci "knew" sex was
approved and necessary in marriage, but she didn’t
really believe it. After attending a few marriage classes
filled with affirming scriptures and statements on
the sanctity of sexual relations in marriage, she began
to feel a change of heart. She realized that sex is
a vital aspect of a happy and healthy marriage. She
began to see that sex can—and should be—wonderful.
She acknowledged that fulfilling sexual relations were
APPROVED by God and necessary to achieve the marital
oneness she sought. This knowledge transformed her
attitude, filled her heart with renewed hope and encouraged
her to seek improvement in this area of her marriage.
To
overcome the negative effects of the Good Girl Syndrome
and to create the oneness in marriage that God intended,
husband and wife must come to know that sex is good—and
of God. To those married, sexual intimacy is a “rightful
gift of God” (Ellsworth, Ensign, Aug. 1979,
p. 24). Couples must come to feel the divine permission,
power, and potential of pure and virtuous sexual relations
within marriage—the way God designed them to be.
People don’t talk much about sex. Even appropriate
dialogue between parents and children, husband and
wife, or adults in general is rare. Some reasons for
this may include discomfort and embarrassment with
the subject, not knowing what to say, or thinking sex
is too private and sacred to discuss, even in general.
Many young people grow up wondering if sex is bad or
if something is wrong with it because adults never
seem to talk about it. It all seems very hush-hush.
And if the subject ever surfaces, it is usually quickly
and uncomfortably shut down.
Have
you ever asked a parent or Church leader a question
about sex and then felt the air cool suddenly while
they squirmed and stuttered before stammering out a
quick statement? Many imitate the discomfort and embarrassment
they observed in their parents and leaders when they
were younger.
One
reason some may not have a solid conviction of the
sanctity of sex, much less an understanding that it
really is okay after marriage, is that they haven’t
been taught, nor have they sought the Lord’s wisdom
on it. Some may think sex doesn’t need any further
discussion, but experience suggests otherwise. The
Lord’s prophets and the teachings of the scriptures
can teach us a great deal about physical intimacy in
marriage.
The
Teachings of the Prophets on the Sacred Nature of Physical
Intimacy in Marriage
President
Spencer W. Kimball stated, “Husband and wife . . .
are authorized, in fact they are commanded, to have
proper sex when they are properly married for time
and eternity" (Kimball, Teachings of Spencer
W. Kimball, 1982, p. 312).
Elder Boyd K. Packer identified the goodness of the
gift of sexual relations in the following statement, “This
power [of creation] is good. . . . It is a sacred and
significant power, and I repeat . . . that this power
is good. . . . It is a gift from God our Father. In
the righteous exercise of it, as in nothing else, we
may come close to Him” (Packer, Teach Ye Diligently, 1975,
pp. 259–61).
Sex is sacred. The word sacred describes something “regarded
as holy; consecrated to God; worthy of or regarded
with reverence” (Webster’s Dictionary, 1993,
p. 456). We know “marriage is ordained of God” (D&C
49:15). But do we believe sexual intimacy within
marriage is also ordained of God? In the Proclamation
on the Family God’s living prophets have confirmed
this truth, “We declare the means by which mortal life
is created to be divinely appointed” (Ensign,
Nov. 1995, 102). This is an important principle to
understand and believe.
Let’s look more closely at the words used in the Proclamation. Means is
the “method” or “way” (Webster’s, 1993, p. 699)
something is brought about; divinely means “godlike,
holy, sacred, spiritual, exalted;” (Webster’s, 1993,
p. 634); Appointed can be defined as “determined,
established, prescribed, commanded, decreed, directed,
ordered, required” (Webster’s, 1993, p. 594).
If we put this together, we see that the means (or
way) that mortal life is created (the sex act) is divinely
appointed (prescribed, decreed or required by God)
making it sacred, godly, holy and even sanctifying.
In other words, God approves.
President
Ezra Taft Benson stated, “Sex was created and established
by our Heavenly Father for sacred, holy, and high purposes” (Benson, Teachings
of Ezra Taft Benson, 1988, p. 409). Note that he
says purposes (plural)—not just one purpose.
Procreation is understood as the primary purpose for
sex, but there are other purposes as well. Some of
the purposes of sexual relations in marriage beyond
procreation include expressing love, providing mutual
pleasure and enjoyment, experiencing physical, emotional
and spiritual bonding and oneness, healing wounds in
the relationship and rejuvenating the mind, body and
spirit.
Sex
is a sacred blessing and gift from God to husbands
and wives. It is a means of strengthening marriage.
The light of God can transform sex from something seemingly
inappropriate to something ordained of God.
Scriptural
Teachings on Physical Intimacy in Marriage
We’ve
discussed several inspiring statements affirming the
divinity of sexual relations in marriage. But, there
is additional light and truth we can glean from the
scriptures on the sanctity of sex. Let’s go on a scriptural
journey to see what we can find.
We know that marriage is
ordained of God (D&C 49:15). God created marriage.
God approves of marriage. The footnotes of D&C 49:15
lead us to Genesis.
In Genesis 2:18 we read, “And
the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should
be alone.” Why? Is there something eternally important
about a man and woman being together in marriage? In
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 it says that two are better than
one because they have “reward [blessings, an inheritance]
for their labour.” And if one spouse stumbles or falls,
the other will lift him up. In verse 11 it says that
two, together, create warmth. And if one spouse should
be prevailed upon, then husband and wife shall withstand
him. Think of all the learning, growth and blessings
that come from the combining of two lives in marriage.
After declaring that man
shouldn’t be alone, God took one of Adam’s ribs (“bone
of his bones, flesh of his flesh”) and made a woman (see
Gen. 2:21-23).
In Genesis 2:24, we are
told that man and woman are to leave their parents and
cleave (or join) unto each other and become ONE—“one
flesh.” This same phrase is repeated six other times
in the scriptures (see also Matt.19:5-6, Mark 10:8, Eph.
5:31, D&C 49:16, Moses 3:24, and Abr. 5:18.) These
seven scriptures in which we are commanded to leave our
parents and become “one flesh” are confirmation of the
importance of the marital unit.
A temple sealer emphasized this fact during a marriage
sealing where he reminded those present that in eternity
we will not be grouped in family units of father, mother
and children as we commonly assume, but in units of
husbands and wives. This does not mean parents and
children will have no association, but rather it places
a high emphasis on the primary importance of the marital
relationship. Elder Bruce R. McConkie declared, “Our
marriages will continue in the realms that are ahead.
We shall get into the paradise of God, and we shall
be husband and wife. We shall come up in the resurrection,
and we shall be husband and wife” (McConkie, New
Era, June 1978, p. 12).
Notice that the scripture in Genesis doesn’t say we
should become “one heart” or “one mind,” though those
are also important. It clearly says “one flesh” which
means we cannot and must not gloss over the fact that
we are talking about something physical. We are commanded
to become one flesh, that is, to participate in physical
intimacies with each other. This is a vital component
of husbands and wives becoming ONE. So, how did the
Lord plan to accomplish this?
In Abraham 4:28 we read, “And
the Gods said: We will bless them. And
the Gods said: We will cause them to be
fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth” (emphasis
added). Notice the phrases “We will bless them;” and “We
will cause them.” God apparently felt it
was a blessing not only to have the power to procreate,
but also to give husbands and wives sexual desires for
each other. This suggests God purposefully planted within
husband and wife the attraction they feel for each other.
He gave us these feelings on purpose to bless us and “cause” us
to desire each other. This scriptural insight into the
origin and purpose of our desires for each other sheds
light on how God intends sexual intimacy to bless us
both as the means of procreation and as an expression
of marital love.
Remember the seven scriptures commanding us to be “one
flesh?" As if the words “one flesh” are not descriptive
enough, following three of those scriptures is the
statement, “And they were both naked, the man and his
wife, and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25, Moses 3:25,
Abr. 5:19). At this point Adam and Eve have become
husband and wife, (since the scriptures refer to the “man
and his wife”). They have been commanded to be “one
flesh.” In other words, after blessing us with this
physical desire, God then commanded us to follow through
on those desires within marriage.
Perhaps we may apply the response of Adam and Eve at this
point to our own orientation toward physical intimacy
in marriage. That is, we need not be ashamed of our
nakedness, and more specifically, of sexual relations
within marriage.
Shame is usually associated with sin, but shame continues
to surround sexuality even when there is no sin. It
can be very challenging in the marital relationship
if spouses have a sense of shame, embarrassment or
fear of sharing their bodies as God intended. We might
ask how shame and fear became associated with that
which the Lord has approved in marriage—the sexual
oneness of husband and wife?
We know that the glory of God is intelligence or light
and truth (see D&C 93:36-39). God’s light and truth
are needed for us to understand His intended role for
physical intimacy in marriage. Furthermore, we know
that light and truth forsake the evil one (see D&C
93:37). It is Satan that erodes our understanding of
light and truth. If we ask why shame is associated
with sex—even sex within marriage—we can see in the
following verse that Satan has removed light and truth
from sexuality, causing many to confuse sex with sin.
In verse 38 we read, “Every spirit of man was innocent
in the beginning; and God having redeemed man from
the fall, men became again, in their infant state,
innocent before God” (D&C 93:38). And in the next
verse, “That wicked one cometh and taketh away light
and truth” (D&C 93:39, emphasis added). God’s
light and truth surrounded sexuality in the beginning,
when Adam and Eve were in a state of innocence. But
look at the scripture again. Even after the fall, because
of the Savior’s atonement, man became again innocent
before God.
From the footnotes in verse 39 we learn that it was
through the following: lack of understanding (see Matt
13:19), unbelief (see 2 Cor 4:4), hardened hearts (see
Alma 12:10), disobedience (see D&C 93:39 and Alma
12:9), false traditions or lies passed down through
generations (see D&C 93:39 and Jer. 16:19) and
treating lightly that which we have received (see D&C
84:54) that light and truth was taken away. Satan left
in their wake shame, embarrassment and discomfort as
inhibitors of the exultant ecstasy God intended in
marriage. When God’s truth about physical intimacy
is not fully understood and internalized, it inhibits
the natural God-given response intended.
We can restore light and truth to physical intimacy
in marriage by following God’s command to “bring up
[our] children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40).
God’s perspective provides a healthy and divine understanding
of physical intimacy in marriage, in which there is
no shame or embarrassment.
In Hebrews 13:4 we read, “Marriage is honourable in
all. . . . ” I interpret that to mean ALL parts of
marriage are honorable—including sexual relations.
Honorable means “noble, admirable, upright, virtuous,
proper, right” (Webster’s, 1993, p. 669). The
scripture continues, “ . . . and the bed undefiled” (Heb.
13:4). Undefiled means “clean, spotless, unsullied,
innocent and pure” (Webster’s, 1993, p. 775).
Therefore, the marriage bed, representing sexual intimacy
in marriage, is clean and pure.
In Proverbs 5:18-19 the
Lord assures us of His divine favor in husband and wife
finding joy in their intimate relationship, “Rejoice
with the wife of thy youth . . . be thou ravished always
with her love.” The term “rejoice” suggests that husband
and wife are to enjoy one another and this part of their
relationship in a spirit of love, enjoyment, fun and
gratitude. Being ravished with each other’s love suggests
that we are to love each other fervently and passionately.
The footnote to verse 19 refers to Doctrine and Covenants
42:22, which reminds couples to love one another with
all their hearts and to cleave unto each other and none
else.
In the scriptural context
of Proverbs 5 men and women are counseled to find joy
in their spouse in order to avoid immorality. This suggests
that as husband and wife learn to find joy and fulfillment
within their intimate relationship, they will be blessed
and the allure of illicit sexual temptations can be minimized
and avoided.
There is even more to the
intimate act of joining our bodies during sexual relations
than we may realize. In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 we read, “Know
ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost
which is in you, which ye have of God . . . therefore
glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are
God’s.” Is it possible that as husbands and wives keep
God’s command to be “one flesh” and be “not ashamed,” they
will increase their understanding and be able to transcend
the physical into the spiritual? Is it possible that
in becoming one flesh, they glorify God with their bodies and their
spirits?
Surely a husband and wife, both possessing the Holy
Spirit of God, when they join their bodies together
physically not only become one body and one flesh but
also one in spirit—one spirit “joined unto the Lord” (1
Cor. 6:17). God’s command to cleave unto each other
and become one flesh (see Gen. 2:24) allows husband
and wife to become ONE spiritually with God through
the intimate act of joining their bodies, which is
where their spirits reside.
Look again at Matthew 19:5, which is one of the seven
scriptures that refers to man leaving his father and
mother and cleaving to his wife to become one flesh.
We read in the following verse, “Wherefore they are
no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath
joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matt. 19:6). Asunder means
to tear apart or into pieces (Webster’s, 1993,
p. 47). We know God wants us to remain together as
husband and wife. It appears that we should also refrain
from letting Satan or man put asunder or defile that
which God has created and called good—such as sexual
relations in marriage.
Satan does not want us to
seek or understand light and truth. He does all he can
to keep us in darkness away from happiness. We read in
the Book of Mormon that “because he had fallen from heaven,
and had become miserable forever, he sought also the
misery of all mankind. . . . ” (2 Ne. 2:18) “that all
men might be miserable like unto himself” (2 Ne. 2:27).
Satan has found that distorting the divinity of sexual
relations in marriage is an effective way to destroy
happiness, marriages and families.
Miraculous things will happen
as we put light and truth back into sexual togetherness.
It is good and is of God when correctly associated with
the light and truth that have always been there from
the beginning.
If you would like to provide
any thoughts or feedback to Laura Brotherson, you may
send them to Laura@StrengtheningMarriage.com. For further
information on her upcoming book, And They Were Not
Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, visit www.StrengtheningMarriage.com.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Benson, Ezra Taft. The
Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson. 1988. Salt Lake
City: Bookcraft.
The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. “The Family:
A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995,
102.
Ellsworth, Homer. “I Have
a Question,” Ensign, Aug. 1979, 23.
Kimball,
Spencer W. The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball ,
Edward L. Kimball, ed. 1982. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.
McConkie, Bruce R. “Celestial
Marriage,” The New Era, June 1978, 12.
Packer, Boyd K. Teach
Ye Diligently. 1975. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.
Webster’s Universal Dictionary
and Thesaurus. 1993. Montreal: Tormont Publications.
Wheat,
Ed and Gaye Wheat. Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique
and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage. 1997.
Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell.
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