The
"Stewardship Blanks"
By Richard Eyre
Editor's note:
During the "first half" of this column, Richard outlined
and defined “The Three Deceivers” of Control, Ownership,
and Independence, and detailed how our obsessions with them can
ruin the quality of our lives. If you missed any of the earlier
columns in this series, you can go to the Deceivers Archive (see
right sidebar) to catch up. Then, in the the second phase of the
column, he replaced the deceivers with "The Three Alternatives"
of SERENDIPITY, STEWARDSHIP, and "SYNERGICITY". Over
the next few weeks, Richard will present a series of suggestions
on how to make the attitudinal shift from the Three Deceivers
to the Three Alternatives. Send comments to Richard@meridianmagazine.com
Last week, we set up an exercise
called "The Serendipity Line" as a way to alter the
way we plan our day and to help us be more spontaneous and flexible
as we find and value the wonderful surprises and opportunities
that lie all around for those with the awareness to notice them.
Click
here to review last week's column.
This week we move to a second exercise
or habit, this one designed to help us make the transition from
the false paradigm of Ownership to the true and enlightening attitude
of Stewardship. Once again, as last week, we begin with a glimpse
into how most people plan their day.
Typically, we plan by making a list.
And the list is often titled "things to do." It is an
apt name, because most of what gets put on to-do lists are THINGS
— run the errand, hold the meeting, make the sale, mow the
lawn, do the shopping, pay the bills, watch the game, and so on.
Another name for these "things
to do" might be the "have-to-dos." We have to go
to work; we have to answer the emails; we have to fix dinner or
pick up the carpool. These "have-to-dos" are usually
good things, things of duty, things of responsibility, things
we have committed to do, or things others are expecting us to
do.
The problem is that there are so
many "have-to-dos" that they may keep us from doing
the "choose-to-dos" that make life worth living and
that have real impact on our true priorities. Are we too busy
to choose to do things for our spouse or children, or for our
in-laws or extended families? Are we thinking about what those
who love need from us and tending to those needs? Are we taking
good enough care of ourselves, of our health, of our souls? Are
we noticing needs at work and doing the little, appreciative things
that make the day a little better for those around us?
We may be so busy checking the "things"
or the "have-to-dos" off of our list that we really
don't notice the people around us, or the people (including ourselves)
that we love most and have the most responsibility for.
Sometimes the most urgent things
are not the most important things. It is the squeaky wheel that
gets the grease, even though there may be more important wheels
that are not making so much noise. It's not that we're lazy; we
are running around and doing things all day. Often we go to bed
tired and frazzled from all we have done and everywhere we have
gone during the day, but we can't really think of anything important
that we have done or any meaningful time we have spent with those
we love most. In fact, we may not be able to think of any time
we have spent thinking about those we love most and are most responsible
for and what their needs are, and what we can do to meet those
needs and to make them happier.
One of the reasons we find
ourselves in this position is that we operate in the paradigm
of "Ownership." The things we own or think
we want to own thus get prioritized in terms of our time and our
thought.
Taking care of things takes time.
Trying to have more of things takes time. Buying and using things
takes time. Trying to do as much and be as much and have as much
as others, keeping up with the Jonses, or with the materialistic
and often unrealistic images of TV and other media. It all takes
time. It involves a lot of have-to-dos.
Ownership inherently involves pride.
We not only want to own at least as much, and hopefully a little
more, than someone else, and if we don't, we want to criticize
those with more, or at least judge them for their materialism.
In short, the tree trunk of Ownership
tends to grow some very problematic branches — branches
of envy, of jealousy, of superiority, of condescension, of comparing,
of judging, of impatience, and of chronic dissatisfaction. The
media, of course, feed and fertilize this Ownership tree, reminding
us hundreds of times a day of things we don't have but wish we
did, of things others seem to have so easily and that we should
be able to get too, of things we end up thinking we need
when we actually only want.
A Different Concept
Stewardship is a very different concept
than Ownership. And it leads us to simplify, to appreciate, and
to focus more on needs, more on those we love, and more on relationships
and people than on recognition and achievements.
Stewardship acknowledges God's ownership
of all, and brings humility with its responsibility. We do not
crave and seek and covet stewardship as we do ownership. The limbs
that grow on the Stewardship trunk are tolerance, meekness, empathy,
humility, cooperation, and a genuine concentration on our true
priorities.
Stewardship Blanks
So, here is the exercise to help
us adopt the attitude and internalize the paradigm of stewardship.
We will call it the "Stewardship blanks," and it is
essentially just a change in how we make our list or plan our
day.
When you sit down to plan, or to
write out your list for the day(some do it the night before, some
first thing in the morning, some don't do it at all but should)
resist the urge to just start listing or scheduling all
your "have-to-dos." Instead, put three horizontal lines
at the top of your page (we will call them "stewardship blanks"
and think about one thing you choose to do that
day for someone in your family, one thing you choose to do that
day for yourself, and one thing you choose to do
that day for someone at or in your workday. Then, and
only then, go ahead and make your list of things to do and write
your schedule.
Now, a choose-to-do is defined as
something that is not a have-to-do. No one is expecting
you to do it. No one would miss it if you didn't do it. It is
not a meeting or an obligation or a part of a routine or schedule.
Rather, it is something that came to your mind as you thought
about needs, specifically the needs of those you love
most and over whom you have stewardship.
We are stewards of our families,
of our physical and mental and spiritual selves, and of our work.
If we do one choose-to-do for each of them each day, one thing
your mind has come up with that is needed, we begin to make a
difference on what matters, and we begin to train ourselves to
think more as stewards, and to seek and find the Lord's help in
noticing needs and in finding ways to address them.
A certain magic happens when we train
ourselves (through this daily exercise) to think of our stewardships,
of our choose-to-dos, of our real priorities first, before
we get to making the list of have-to-dos. The magic is that we
somehow still find time for the real have-to-dos.
The have-to-dos, when they are listed
first, seem to crowd out even the thought of any choose-to-dos.
"Too busy today," we think as we look at our list. "Maybe
tomorrow I will find time for my family and for myself. Magically,
though, when we list the choose-to-dos first, they don’t
get in the way of the have-to-dos.
I don't know how to explain this,
other than maybe with an analogy. If you take a jar and fill it
with sand, there will be no room for the three larger rocks you
also want to put in the jar. But if you put the three rocks in
first, you can still pour all the sand in, because if fills in
around the three big rocks. Our days can (and will) work the same.
If we think Stewardship first, if we write down our three choose-to-dos,
we will find that they really don't take that long, and that the
have-to-dos get done at least as well as they used to.
Enough
One more perspective that may help.
The word "enough" is an
enormously important word, and a very interesting one.
I have an estate planner friend who
tells me that in his whole 30-year career, he has never had a
client who said, "OK, I have enough now." Instead, they
say (or think), "Well, now that I have that much, it looks
fairly easy (and quite important) to have more — maybe twice
as much." Our definition of "enough" keeps changing
(often media- and peer group-aided) and increasing.
There are two huge problems with
the more, more idea (by the way, e.e. cummings put it this way
"More, more, more, more. What are we all becoming, morticians?"):
