How We Got to Where We Are, and Why it is the Wrong Place to Be
By Richard Eyre

Editor’s note: Perhaps the three most pursued and coveted things in our modern world are control, ownership, and independence. In Richard Eyre's mind, they are the three deceivers — and are ultimately both unobtainable and undesirable. They are, Eyre believes, the "false gods" that separate us from Heavenly Father and rob us of the things of the spirit. This column, exploring the obsessions we have developed with “CO&I,” and later outlining a better and more spiritual alternative for each, will open you to a new world of thinking that may change how you live. Richard welcomes your feedback and inputs. Take a guess at what you think the Three Alternatives are. Write to him at Richard@meridianmagazine.com . If you missed any of the four earlier columns in this series, you can go to the Deceivers Archive (see right sidebar) and catch up.

The concepts (and pursuits) of Control, Ownership and Independence are very difficult to turn loose of. There is a superior (and far more spiritual) alternative for each of the three, and many of you readers have taken intriguing (and often illuminated and inspired) guesses as to what the three alternatives are. But before we get to those, let us go even deeper into the problematic nature (and powerful destructiveness) of CO&I.

Sometimes, to fully understand a concept, you have to know its evolution so that you can see it with perspective and causality. So today, let’s take a look at the "history" of each of the three deceivers and of how we got so caught up with each of them. Think through this brief outline first, (see what thoughts and ideas it brings to your mind) and then let me flesh it in a bit.

How we got so caught up with “Control” and how it deceives us:

We need to understand the effect of our unwillingness to acknowledge our lack of control, the sadness of our inability to look for an alternative, and the higher awareness that is its only true source.

How we got so caught up with “Ownership” and how it deceives us:

The best things in life are free, and they are gifts, and we must learn how to accept them without owning them.

How we got so caught up with “Independence” and how it deceives us:

History of "Control"

The history of the quest for control is essentially the history of the world. Human beings seem hardwired for the desire to control things around us. And this internal programming has probably saved our lives individually and collectively. But in recent history, the instinct to control has been institutionalized by the whole industry of planning and goal-setting and by the notion that control is what can bring us happiness. The good idea to set goals and have plans and control oneself gets expanded into the idea that we should be able to control and manage everything (and every person) around us.

Actually, we have control of a tiny island of things around which swirls a huge sea of uncontrollability and unpredictability. Our challenge is not to control the ocean, but to see its beauty and appreciate its waves and currents.

In the control mode, surprises annoy or irritate us because they may prevent our day from going exactly as we had planned it. Our friends annoy us because they don't do things the way we would. Our children annoy us because they don't seem to want to be quite what we want them to be or to be interested in just what we think should interest them. And days when we don't get everything checked off of our list get chalked up as failures because we have defined success as control.

It is lovely to strive to control our emotions, our appetites, our habits — but we must strive with equal diligence to acknowledge that we need God's help even with these most personal things, and to understand that most everything else is controlled by His plan, His providence, and His will. In the proper paradigm, all of our plans need to be in subjection to His plan, and all of our little efforts at control need to be within His control.

History of "Ownership"

The right of "property" is a key underpinning of a democracy and a free enterprise system. Such rights had to be established (and fought for) to free people from tyrants and monarchy.

In an economic sense, ownership is a prerequisite for responsibility. People don't take very good care of things unless they own them. Home owners take better care of their houses than renters. You care more about your own car than a rental. But, like control, ownership becomes deceptive and destructive as it is overextended. As we start thinking in an ownership mentality, we forget that — in eternal and spiritual terms — God owns all. We are just using things that pass through our hands with time, things that come from or are part of God's earth, things we may have a deed for but which ultimately are His.

If you think of the notion and attitude and perspective of Ownership as the trunk of a tree, what are the branches that grow? Branches of envy and jealousy as we are in contact with those who have more things or better things than we do. Branches of condescension or superiority as we see those who have less. Branches of greed and covetousness as we think about all that we wish we had. Branches of pride as we think about what we have, or about having more of it than someone else.

There must be a better perspective, a better attitude, a better paradigm.

History of "Independence"

How can you speak or write against independence in a land founded on it and emancipated by a document called the Declaration of Independence? Of course independence is a desirable political condition, and of course personal independence is an asset in the senses of thinking for oneself and taking care of oneself.

But like the other deceivers, it gets dangerous and damaging as it is carried too far. We have become a nation that worships independence and that equates strength with not needing other people, with "going it on your own,"and with being "co-dependent no more." It is easy to forget, in this mode, how interdependent we all are, and most dangerous of all, it is too easy to forget our complete and entire dependence on the God who gave us life and now gives us every breath we breathe. To need and to be needed is what keeps us human, and humble, and honorable.

The real problem with Independence is in the "I." Independence, at the lengths we often try to carry it, is the attitude of I. It’s about me and about what I can do on my own. Real life — the way God intended it to be lived — is always about we, about us, about our interdependence, and about how all of us are brothers and sisters because we are all His children, and all equally and totally dependent on Him.

The old, positive "can-do" attitude is a great place to start, but a better (and higher) place is a positive "can't-do" attitude that essentially says, "Of myself, I am nothing, and can't do much of anything, but with the help of friends and family, and most of all with the guidance and assistance of God, I can do anything that is His will."

Looking Forward

I wish I could answer every thoughtful letter I have received in connection with this column so far. There are hundreds of them! And the "guesses" you have made about the Three Alternatives are wise and insightful indeed. Keep them coming!

Let me give you one more small clue about where this column will go in future weeks as it gets ready to reveal the Three Alternatives: The reason I have chosen to call CO&I the three deceivers is not that they are inherently evil concepts or that they possess no useful or positive aspects. It is that they are telestial paradigms. They deceive us by blinding us to greater truths. They are part of a lesser law that serves our society rather well — but that too often obscures a higher plane with paradigms that are far deeper, far more eternally accurate, and that produce and foster far more joy. The Three Alternatives can replace the Three Deceivers as the attitudes we hold and the perspectives through which we see our lives.