Meridian readers are warming to the topic of hotheaded behavior at church.  Many of us have been the victims of unintended slurs (or even intended ones), but never fear!  There’s a wealth of advice here that can help us all when we find ourselves in that unenviable situation:

I do not get offended at church; there are more pressing issues in this world than getting one's nose out of joint for a petty reason.  However, both of my children have been treated worse within the Church by their peers and careless leaders than outside the Church.

My son is now 30 and is completely inactive. My daughter is 26, and it is by the grace and warmth of a truly caring Young Women president that she has remained active.  Teenagers are less likely to turn the cheek when their time at church is miserable. 

I suppose my question begs an answer: Why is it the very place one expects to find acceptance, inclusion, and love becomes the antithesis of what the Savior taught?

Anonymous

That’s a good question, Anonymous.  Maybe some of the letters in today’s column will help you find an answer.

Here’s something I wrote about taking offense or not — not necessarily in a Church situation.

Choosing Not to Take Offense
One Sunday my bishop called me into his office and asked me to take on a church job.
Being young and brash at the time, I asked, “How big a job is it?”

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “It’s as big or as small as you choose to make it.”
His words came back to me recently, as I thought about the implications of offending someone and/or taking offense.

Could it be that an offense is as big or as small as we choose to take it?

Whether someone intends to offend us or not, how liberating if we choose not to take offense. In his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra says most people spend 99% of their time defending their points of view.   He says,“If you just relinquish the need to defend your point of view … you will gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.”

If we are caught up in defending our views, we can’t see the validity in anyone else’s. Energy that we could otherwise be using to enjoy life is wastefully expended on taking offense and going over and over why we should have taken offense and how wrong the other person is. Senseless feuds can and do go on for generations.

Richard Carlson wrote, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Choosing to be offended is buying into the small stuff.

Why sweat the big stuff either? Everyone’s big stuff could be someone else’s small stuff. It all depends on who we are and how we look at it.

Many of us do take offense at the drop of a hat. We are offended, if not enraged, by other drivers on the road, especially when they cut in front of us or dawdle along at 90 Km in the slow lane. We take offense if we’re not invited to the wedding or the baby shower. We take offense when someone gets the job promotion we were hoping for.

How do I ‘offend’ thee? Let me count the ways … Misquoting her words would likely have offended Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  Since there are as many ways of giving or taking offense as there are people, the next time someone offends us (intentionally or not), the most enlightened thing we can do is shrug it off.

A story goes that one day the Buddha and a disciple were walking along a street when a stranger rushed up and spat in the Buddha's face. His disciple was very angry, but the Buddha said to the stranger, "Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to discover whether I still have anger within."

If someone is trying to offend us, nothing will deflate him faster than if we choose not to be offended. If he is not intentionally trying to offend us, he won’t notice we’ve chosen not to be offended.

If we ignore offenses, large or small, and just get on with living, we’ll be much happier. We’ll also give our immune systems a boost, because perpetually taking offense is the most toxic thing we can do to ourselves.

The next time someone or something offends us, we really do have a choice: Semtex or Silly Putty.  Our reaction can be as big or as small as we choose to make it.

It seems that we humans are very prone to giving and taking offense!

Pene Horton
Vancouver Island, BC
Canada

Great letter, Pene!  I got a laugh out of the Elizabeth Barrett Browning reference, and there were many thoughtful ideas in there as well.  You’re the best!

Regarding how to deal with someone who offends me, I have had that experience a few times.  What I have learned has served me well over the years.

• Call that person and talk about it.  It's easier over the phone because sometimes my emotions get in the way [if I do it in person].  [On the phone] I always keep my cool, so I have to...
• Give it some time to settle down in my own mind.  Jumping right in to defend myself or to attack someone else usually happens in the heat of being offended.
• Apologize first.  This is key for me.  Even if I don't believe that I am at fault, I usually make an effort to apologize for any ensuing change in the relationship.  For example, I can say, "Sue, something has changed in our relationship.  Something was said/done that upset me.  I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to contribute to the situation."
• Ignore it.  Most often people don't even know they have offended.  If I'm offended, then the fault is mine for not being more humble and forgiving.
• Serve that person.  It's a great way to regain the love you once felt, pre-offense.

JT in West Virginia

Good ideas, JT.  I especially liked your last point, about serving the people who have offended you.  Sometimes that’s the only thing that works for me.

Here’s a letter from a reader who implemented that piece of advice:

Many years ago I had an experience where a sister in the ward was instigating gossip and backbiting regarding me.  I didn’t understand what I had done to cause her to dislike me so much, but it began to be very hurtful when I realized her comments were infecting other sisters in the ward as well. 

Not knowing what else to do, I simply took it to the Lord.  As I knelt at my bedside, I felt the prompting to go out of my way to be kind to and serve this particular woman.  So I began to offer to watch her children for her and do other kind acts of service.  I began to see a visible change in her and the way she treated me. 

The final blessing came some months later when she was preparing to move out of the ward.  I received a beautiful handmade card from her in the mail.  In the card, she related that she didn’t know why she had not liked me before but that she wanted to apologize for the things she had said about me and the way she had treated me and wanted to ask for my forgiveness. 

Life is simply too short to hold grudges or to let ourselves be offended.  When we cannot find it within ourselves to forgive, we can always turn to the Lord and in some miraculous way, he can provide it for us. 

One other experience that taught me about the importance of not being offended, or nursing a hurt and the power found in forgiveness, occurred with my husband in our early married years.  In an angry outburst, my husband made some unkind remarks that hurt me deeply.  After he left, I literally ran to my closet (a big walk-in closet) where I could have some privacy and fell to my knees.  I poured out my heart to the Lord and told him how hurt I was. 

As I prayed, I had an experience that changed my heart immediately.  In an instant, the Lord somehow showed me my husband’s heart.  He allowed me to see and feel what my husband was feeling.  Suddenly, my part in the situation became very clear and I could see why my husband had reacted like that.  I felt a surge of love for him engulf me.  When he came home that night, I quickly apologized and he took me in his arms and asked for my forgiveness as well.  We shared a wonderful evening together. 

I have a strong testimony of the power, peace and love, that forgiveness brings.  We will always feel better when we choose not to be offended.  I know the Lord is ready and waiting to help us in this quest.

CJ 

What beautiful experiences, CJ!  The common denominator for you was that in both instances, you prayed about how you could resolve the situation rather than sitting there stewing about how you had been wronged.  In both instances you received insights that smoothed the troubled waters.  This is truly a testimony of the scripture, “Ask, and ye shall receive.”

If we had our Savior's eyesight and heart, most of our grievances would not occur.  Because we are in the learning mode, we often mess up.  Most of the irrational members I have encountered suffer from self-esteem problems or chemical imbalances (which are real).  None of us would wish to suffer from bi-polar disease or wish we could feel inadequate about ourselves or among others.  We should all be moving forward in the same direction, but for sure, should be helping others, and be tolerant and loving with those who are struggling.  Christ has taught us how to do this.  It is our responsibility to figure out how to implement His teachings.

SS

What I liked most about your letter, SS, was that last clincher of a sentence.  Christ doesn’t expect us to just wring our hands over failed relationships and hope we can make them better.  He expects us to use our minds and our spirits to figure out what He would have us do in a given situation.  Thanks for the reminder.

There is always the flip side of taking offense, and that would be giving offense. One particular experience comes to mind, which was not within the circle of the Church, but it well could have been.

For many years, I used to semi-volunteer for another community's annual event. Each year I was asked to return again. However, one year as I was working with one of the coordinators, I made an offhand comment that was truly meant to be humorous. The person I was working with, however, was not amused. She responded defensively.

I didn't realize I had offended; I thought my intentions had been clear as our conversation went on. It wasn't until the following year's event, when I was not asked to return again for my services, (and never again since then) that I realized nothing had been soothed at all, and the coordinator, in her feelings of righteous indignation, simply did not want me there again.

Because this community is some distance from my own, I don't know or see or have any means of communicating with the group now. I truly did not mean to offend, and if I had known beforehand that her stress that day was going to prevent her from taking the comment as it was meant (lighthearted banter), I certainly would never had said it in the first place. It saddens me that I have no way of apologizing to her, and that I have left her with a poor opinion of me.

This experience and also a sister in my ward who is a beautiful example of loving friendship, have  taught me to be a bit more mindful of what I say "off the cuff." Some people do not understand my style of wit or sense of humor, and I am learning to gauge that better, and also to be quick to apologize for any unintentional offense.

In my best moments, I self-edit and do not say anything that could be taken wrongly. But I so wish I could once again speak to the woman who I offended, and ask for her forgiveness. And I also wonder who else I may have unintentionally offended, when I never meant harm at all.

In the years since then, when I serve in a calling that is a presidency or involves a committee, I am now much more aware of my comments, and how they might be misconstrued. Some might feel they have every right to say what they think, but I have learned to think before I say things.

Chagrinned in Idaho

Your letter is a good reminder, Chagrinned, that even our most casual conversations can be studded with landmines.  As someone who speaks first and thinks two weeks later, I have often been guilty of offending when no offense was intended.  I’m sure there’s a whole line of people who don’t like me for that reason!

In your case, however, you apparently desperately want to apologize to the person you unwittingly offended.  It seems in this day of technology, you should be able to find a way to forward a letter to her.  Perhaps she is still affiliated with this particular event and you could get a letter to her that way.  Or maybe the internet white pages could help you out. 

If you can extend that apology, you may be able to create peace in your heart and in hers as well.  It’s never too late for an apology.

First of all I would like to respond to J.of  Camas, Washington, who wrote in last week about an investigator who was offended by church members:

I realize there are those within the Church who say and do stupid things on a regular basis that are not in line with right thinking. And we've all had our day; we'd be lacking in humility to deny that. Sometimes we/others just don't realize the company we may be in when we do these stupid things.

I was raised in one church, and then joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in my 40's. The church I came from treated the ministry of searching for new disciples with the same importance as the Mormon Church. One of the things I have come to discover in both churches is, when a person is looking for a reason to convert, or a reason to not convert, he will find what he is looking for.

I'm not trying to minimize the situation. My mother was once accused by an investigator of wearing her skirts too short. My mother never wore short skirts. I think the one in question she happened to wear once and it hiked up when she sat. She was so worried about offending the investigator that she lengthened all her skirts! The investigator eventually found another offense within the congregation and decided not to join the Church.

I think first someone perhaps not close to the situation (bishop. missionary president, or other) should be told of the matter regarding the elders and talk to the offenders to find out whether they said or did what they have been accused of, and why they did. If they are guilty, certainly an apology is in order.

Second, J, were you there to observe the situation? Could the investigator be exaggerating or misinterpreting?Again, I'm not trying to minimize the situation; I'm only speaking from experience.

Speaking as a whole from the original article about being offended, I once read the most interesting comment in a magazine. It changed the way I look at life and people involved in my life. I'm paraphrasing the article, but it goes something like this:

"No matter how nice you are, no matter how much you may love others, no matter how hard you try to be the best human being, there will be those that don't like you. They won't like you because something in your personality rubs them the wrong way; your name is the same as a person that treated them bad in school; you look like someone that treated them bad when they were growing up; they are simply a grumpy person and it takes a miracle of Jesus to make them like just about anyone; she's going through menopause; he's has health problems we don't know about; there are problems in the marriage we don't see and they're taking it out on others." I could go on, but you get the drift. One other article that helped me made the comment: "It's none of your business what others think of you. They are entitled to their feelings."

I'm not saying an occasional situation doesn't throw me off balance for a day or two, maybe a week. It happens to all of us. It's how we bounce back that counts. I'm also not ashamed to say that I will avoid anyone that I don't get along with, that acts unpleasant around me all the time, or I just don't feel any kind of a connection to, any more than to say a pleasant hello.

Thinking back, when I first joined the Church I attended the adult institute classes. There were three sisters that just didn't like me for whatever reason. They even stood in front of me one day and invited all the sisters around me to lunch, but completely ignored me. I was hurt, and wanted to quit going to the classes. I didn't, I just didn't sit anywhere around them. A year later when I went to the temple to receive my endowment, guess who the three sisters were that were my temple escorts for the evening? We were all humbled by that experience. We are also fellow daughters in the Daughters of Utah Pioneers. The Lord works to make things right, whether we are investigators, converts or have been around to a long time.

Vicky

There’s a lot in your letter to chew on, Vicky.  I especially liked what you said right at the beginning about people finding what they’re looking for.  For good or for bad, that’s certainly true.  Sometimes we may actually offend others; other times, we’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time when we come in contact with someone who is ready to take offense.

I was once the moderator of a great LDS discussion group (www.nauvoo.com).  Occasionally we would have a member who came to the group with a chip on his shoulder, just daring people to offend.  On one occasion, a woman informed me that Nauvoo was her last chance with the Church, and that if we offended her, she was going to have her name taken from the rolls.

I was having none of that.  I told her (in a private email rather than the public forum, of course), that if she stayed in the Church or left it, the choice would be hers and the people of Nauvoo would not be responsible for her decision.  Try as she might, she couldn’t hold the rest of us ransom for her bad behavior by dangling her church membership over our heads.  She eventually left the Church, after writing what she assumed was going to be a guilt-inducing letter to me.  I didn’t feel a moment’s guilt; nor should I have.  She was treated kindly but not subserviently, and her decision to leave was her own.    

Here's a different take on offense, one that taught me a great deal.

I was Relief Society chorister for a couple of years, and our meetings always had an opening and closing song. One Sunday, the teacher asked me not to conduct the opening hymn, but just let her start teaching, as she had something special in mind for her lesson. I did this, and the meeting went very well — or so I thought.

Later that week, I got a call from a sister I have known for many years. She had called to apologize for thinking critical and offensive thoughts about how I had not started the meeting with a hymn. Once the meeting was underway, she realized why things had gone the way they did, and was ashamed of her bad thoughts about me. She had said nothing to anyone, including me, at the time, so calling me and apologizing had nothing to do with me and everything to do about her.

I was so touched that this sister would make such an effort to repent and be right with the Lord. It has made me realize that it's up to each of us to make that effort, to repent, and to make things right with God, even if it means opening oneself up to another person and being vulnerable in a way we don't often try. We often offend the Lord more severely than we do each other, and repentance is the only way to obtain his forgiveness.

I try to guard my thoughts wherever I am, and assume that the person who has the potential to
offend me is in the hands of the Lord, and I must always assume the best. I can't say I do it all the time, but it's a much calmer way of looking at the world.

Rita in Michigan

Rita, yours is the first (and thus far, only) letter I’ve received that has pointed out that when we offend, we offend the Lord as well as the human beings who may be the objects of our wrath.  Thanks for pointing this out.

“Turning the Other Cheek” — may I present another side of this subject? 

When we are offended we need to look at the issues and decide what we want to do about it. We do have a choice to act or react.

I don't think "feeling" offended is a sin or something we should be ashamed of.  Our bodies tell us much more than we give credit.  Our feelings do count!  Why is it okay to feel happy but not offended?  Does this tell us we are to be happy all the time without experiencing the feelings of the ups and downs of life?

Our feelings tell us about the Holy Ghost and whether something is wrong or right.

What about those who are emotionally abused and/or physically abused?  Should these people not be offended and/or feel ashamed for their feelings?

Our Heavenly Father has given us "feelings" to listen to and then decide on whether we should act upon them.

Phyllis Henley
Rangely, Colorado 

Good point, Phyllis.  Thanks for writing.

I haven't written before but had to comment on this one.  A friend and I both explain that we are "too dumb to take offense," by which we mean that we just don't recognise an insult when we hear one.  It's true that taking offense is a choice and I choose not to. 

Now I must admit that I have never seen or experienced some of the viciousness shared by your readers, for which I am truly grateful, but I have been the observer of the difficulties it causes in a ward when people are constantly taking offense.  Please people, lighten up and let it go. 

A friend once shared with me a time when he had truly been insulted by a member of his ward.  He had been called to the bishopric and a sister came up and told him he wasn't the right person for the calling and shouldn't have received it.  He went home feeling so low that he thought maybe he should ask to be released, but his wife reminded him that the call had come from his Heavenly Father who didn't make mistakes, and asked him if he was "going to let her keep him out of the celestial kingdom?" 

I thought that was a good question.  If you leave the Church because you have been offended, then you have chosen to leave the Church and will have to suffer the consequences that go with that choice.  The person who offended you may or may not need to repent of his or her behavior, but he won't be punished for your choice. 

When I was younger I was hurt by people bearing testimony that because they paid their tithing and lived the Word of Wisdom they were blessed with good health.  Why was I hurt?  Because I paid my tithing and lived the Word of Wisdom but I was not blessed with good health.  When I realized that this was their way of showing gratitude for their good health, and I accepted that they weren't trying to tell me I would be healthier if I followed their example, I ceased to be hurt by this type of testimony. 

This is a good topic because it can cause much pain and lose the good fellowship which should exist in a ward.  Remember, when one member takes offense it often spreads like ripples in the water. Let’s not let this happen in our wards.

Too Dumb

For someone who is “Too Dumb,” you sound pretty smart to me.  Thanks for writing!

Our last letter for today is from someone who has a terrific attitude.  I was glad to learn from her:

I bet not many members on hindsight are grateful for being offended. I was a little while ago!

An unpleasant gossip had been spread at church.  I supposedly had said something unkind. Fortunately my husband was with me at the time, so he could vouch (not that I needed it).  Anyway, a friend wanted me to be aware.

Boy, was I offended! My husband took me home after church, giving me time to reflect before I said anything and made the situation worse.

I knew I was becoming bitter and twisted, and the sister who had spread the gossip was blissfully unaware. I recognised I needed help and only the sort my Heavenly Father could give. I prayed for peace. Each day that week I asked for peace and am grateful, I did indeed feel the bitterness lift a little more each time.

Whilst I sat in the following Sunday School lesson, I reflected on what had happened throughout the week with gratefulness I had been blessed with the return of peace.

Then, the real lesson took place. Whilst looking at a picture of our Saviour the teacher had placed on display, the thought went through my mind, “It would had been nice if (the offending sister) had said ‘sorry.'” Immediately, a warm calm voice replied to me: “I have already said ‘sorry.'” Sitting there I fought back the tears. In His unconditional love, He had taught me a lesson I will never forget.

Kim
England 

What a powerful way to end today’s column, Kim.  Thanks for a lesson we all can share.

Okay, friends and neighbors.  We have time for one more week of letters before I go on vacation and come home to a new topic.  If you have anything to say about taking offense, send your letters to meridianmagazine@aol.com.

Until next week — Kathy

“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”

C.S. Lewis