If there’s anyplace we shouldn’t feud, it’s at church. If there are any people we shouldn’t despise, it’s our brothers and sisters in the gospel. But sometimes the best of intentions go horribly awry. Last week Ringside Seat asked, “How do you deal with contention with another church member?” As you can imagine, Meridian readers were quick to give excellent advice.
Our first three letters contain quotes that are so good I was tempted to steal them for the end of the column — but then the readers wouldn’t have been given proper credit. Here they are:
It helps me to remember the words of Mark Twain: "Only a fool takes offense where no offense was intended." Do you think Sister Y really meant to offend you? I doubt it. Is she perfect? Probably not. I think we need to quit being so easily offended!
Susan
Thanks for the quote, Susan. And apparently, Brigham Young expanded on the idea:
I have always liked what Brigham Young said about being offended. In essence he said that to take offense where none is intended is to be a fool. To take offense where it is intended is also to be a fool.
Phil, Utah
Great quote, Phil. Brigham Young was famous for telling it as he saw it. If we all had his common sense, we’d be a lot better off than we are.
I will share what I was told to do when I was having a bit of a struggle with a member.
My bishop said, "You can't make a glass of jellybeans into a chocolate bar. Consider the source. Leave her alone.”
Well, I have, and it did help. I forgave, but I keep my distance!
Love to all, and again, I hope every day of 2010 will be the best!
Rosalie
The thing I like about your bishop’s quote about jellybeans and chocolate bars, Rosalie, is that it doesn’t imply that one is inferior to the other. Some people just don’t mix, and when that happens the best thing to do is to have limited (but hopefully cordial) contact with one another.
Our next letter is from a reader who needs help fast. (I hope she gets it in this column!)
I was hoping that this was an article to read right now as I am dealing with that very problem and advice would be great. We have an investigator that has been offended twice by members in settings other than church (at her workplace and at a restaurant while dining with a group of Elders). She has put off her baptism due to comments that have been made to her.
Hoping your article you are creating will address this problem. Something about discreetness would be nice to be included in the article. There's definitely a right way and a wrong way to voice concerns a member has when they see the missionaries doing something they think is inappropriate.
J.
Camas, Washington
I do hope someone here makes suggestions that will help your situation, J. Meanwhile, if you haven’t yet printed off Elder Bednar’s talk, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” it could be a real help.
I say “could be” because you never know how people will react. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned here that Clark and I have a close friend who got so offended by Elder Bednar’s talk about not taking offense that it ruined conference for him. Then his almost-fiancée got so offended that he was offended that she broke up with him. Somehow I don’t think these were the reactions Elder Bednar was trying to evoke!
This is a difficult topic, but one I’ve had to work hard to master in my life. The first thought that came to my mind is “be not quick to take offense.” This saying has helped me through many struggles throughout the years. Many times we forget to take a step back and try to “observe” rather than “participate” in a difficult situation. Remember that generally people are not intentionally trying to hurt you. While their comments may be inconsiderate, and appear to be hurtful, people generally want to be liked/loved and understand that being mean to others is not the way to make that happen.
Another thing I remind myself when faced with this situation is each of us are at a different stage in our progression. I try to look for reasons why that person may be acting that way. For instance one day I was getting frustrated with a clerk who didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me and kept either ignoring what I was saying, or asking me to repeat myself. As my frustration mounted I started to get snippy.
Fortunately I had a dear friend with me at the time and she was being more kind. It didn’t take her long to figure out the clerk was hard of hearing. When she told me I was so embarrassed by the way I had acted and instantly felt great remorse for my behavior. None of us knows what burdens the other person bears which might be causing the tension. A greater demonstration of love (and a true desire to learn to love the other person) can overcome truly mountainous emotional terrain.
Finally, remember that occasionally it is just not possible to overcome a gulf of this sort. There are times when personalities just will not forge together. These, to me, are the most challenging because they require great personal insight and contemplation.
In order to continue to retain the Spirit, I have to be sure I’m not just taking the easy way out and that I have done all my Father requires of me to resolve the issue before I take the position it just can’t be fixed. I believe it is my responsibility to search deeply and make sure I am doing what Father wants me to do. The only way I know I’ve achieved that goal is when I can honestly say I can celebrate that person’s success, and sorrow for them when they hurt, even if I can’t be closely associated with them generally.
This circumstance is truly rare — I’ve only had this happen on three occasions in my 49 years of life, and only once with someone who is a member of the Church. Even then I’ve tried repeatedly to resolve the issue before allowing that I can be distant, but kind, and still desire their continued health and success.
Tammy Garner
Tammy, I am sure I am not the only person who reads your letter who will cringe at your story about the hard-of-hearing clerk. It’s something many of us can relate to, because we often jump to conclusions that are completely at odds with the truth. Thanks for the reminder to all of us that when we don’t know the whole story, we should give others the benefit of the doubt.
I have been the recipient of people being rude and/or offending me a few times. I don't think it can be avoided when we are in such close proximity to our fellow "saints." Quite honestly I just ignore the person who offended me. I will be nice if they address me for whatever reason, but in order for peace to be kept, I leave them alone. I don't wish any ill will on them, and I do pray for them. The Savior said to love everyone, but he didn't say I had to like them! Don't know if this helps, but it's what works for me and keeps me from being too upset at the person.
Ms. Lee
Ms. Lee, your letter reminds me of the ward member who once said in a testimony, “I love all of you — even the ones I don’t like.” I got a good laugh out of that at the time, but as I grew older and wiser I realized it’s indeed possible to dislike and love a person at the same time.
Our next letter brought a smile to my face because I always enjoy people getting passionate about a subject. This next writer has the passion that always makes for an interesting letter:
I perked up when I saw this topic but probably not for the reason that you might think. I am afraid I do not have any insights as how to deal with this problem as in my 39 years in the Church it has never happened to me. But I do have some thoughts on the matter. And first and foremost it is that I am sick of hearing about this.
To listen to people in Sunday School and priesthood (and probably Relief Society), this problem is epidemic…
As far as getting your feelings hurt, girl, please. If your feelings are that tender and delicate, then there is no hope for you. And regarding the classic response of stopping church attendance because Sister X or Brother Y hurt your feelings, man up or woman up and quit whining. If you don’t want to go to church, then just admit that you don’t want to go to church and quit hiding behind the “someone hurt my feelings” excuse.
This really bugs me, as you can tell. I know it happens just like it happens in our day-to-day interactions with people outside the Church. Handle it the same way that you do in real life. Talk to the person and work it out. And if that is not possible, then who says that you have to have anything to do with someone just because he is a member of the Church. We are not all going to like each other; that is just the way it is. If someone upsets you, then take the high road. Nod when you see them if you feel like it, and if you don’t then move on.
Anyway as you can tell this is a real sore point with me. Always has been.
Michael Edwards
Decatur, Georgia
See, readers, I told you that a passionate letter would pique your interest! This is one letter that I could hear being spoken in my head as I read the words. And the idea of taking the high road in a conflict is something we can all take to heart.
I am beginning to feel like a regular here. But this is so funny, because yesterday while the sacrament was being passed, I reflected on my new habit of being offended.
We recently had the boundaries of the wards in the stake redefined, and our comfortable little ward is now a huge one. We encompass several different neighborhoods, with different economic and educational backgrounds. I love my stake president, and thought I was giving him full support in this decision to blend us. However, I noted that I was feeling like the "new" members of the ward were condescending to me. Suddenly I was being offended by workmates, and even members of my own family.
There comes a point when one must ask, "Is this me?" So I got on my knees and prayed about it. What came to me clear as a bell was that the sister that I felt was being condescending was probably very nervous and her manner that I had felt offensive was her way of dealing with the insecurity of being the first to teach in the new Relief Society.
Likewise with the other issues, the people either weren't trying to be offensive (or in some cases were, but it has to be my choice not to react, in fact when I didn't they acted disappointed, and took their meanness elsewhere).
I think that being offended is a personal choice. I believe that it is not a good Christian act to take offense. I know that it is up to me how I react to others' meanness (if it was even intended!). Long story short, as I sat quietly observing the spirit in sacrament yesterday, I made up my mind that my New Year's resolution this year is to not be offended anymore. Thanks for validating that point!
Tess
Las Vegas
Thanks for writing, Tess. Your advice to pray for enlightenment about these situations was excellent, too. Just recently a dear friend of ours cried for most of the day after another dear friend said something to her that was really snippy. (I heard the comment and it singed my eyebrows.) When she prayed about it, she was told that the comment our friend made was something her mother would have said to her. We had been looking for enlightenment about the relationship between this friend and her mother, and this insight was a real eye-opener. But if the hurt friend hadn’t prayed for insight, she never would have understood the context of the situation, and the wounds would have remained unhealed.
I have several people in my ward that I would rather avoid than speak to. One is a visiting teacher who never comes; another is an ex-brother-in-law. I used to detest these people.
I know this sounds simple, but the best thing I have learned is to pray. I pray for them by name, asking Heavenly Father to help them feel His love for them and to bless them with the things they need. Then I pray that my heart will be softened towards them and that I will learn to love them truly as my brother and sister.
I find that most of these problems come from pride in my heart and me focusing on the “mote” when there is a “beam” in my eye.
If we’re truly worrying about what Heavenly Father thinks of us, then we won’t become offended. I’ve learned that it’s a choice we make.
Wendy
That’s wise counsel, Wendy, and I can vouch for the truthfulness of it. For three years I had weekly dealings in a church setting with a woman who really had it in for me. Often total strangers would come to me and whisper, “I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but somebody is standing around the corner spying on you.” Sometimes she would swoop around that corner and start screaming at me for absolutely nothing. I was flummoxed, and the people around me were equally astounded. We literally stood there with mouths agape when she went on her tirades.
After months and months of feeling sorry for myself, I started to pray for this person. I put her name on the temple prayer roll weekly, and every week before seeing her I would have long prayers for her welfare.
Eventually someone told me that this lady had been perfectly normal until she and her husband had been called into the position they had at the time of the conflict. Apparently the stress of this high calling had caused her to go around the bend.
Sure enough, after she and her husband were released, I saw her a couple of times and she greeted me like an old and beloved friend. I was glad I had (finally!) decided not to take offense at her behavior, so that that I was able to respond to her warmly whenever we met.
It is my belief, and one that I have had to act upon, that the testimony of the gospel is central to our membership in the Kingdom of God; that we need to strengthen our testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel and realize that there will always be offenses. We have to shed them off of our shoulders the way a duck sheds water off its feathers.
Most of the time, I simply ignore things. A couple of notable times in 43 years of membership, I have had to walk away from the situation that was so profoundly offensive, but never from the Church. Being offended is a choice and sometimes, rarely, you have to choose between being trampled underfoot or simply backing out of the situation. But (and this is the big choice), I don't let my feelings towards the person/persons slacken. I make sure that I still love them and treat them with love.
CCP
Thanks for your letter, CCP. The image of shedding offense as a duck sheds water off its feathers is a powerful one. Taking offense is a choice, and the next letter expands on that concept:
I seem to recall something like this coming up before quite a long while ago. Or at least something like it. I don't remember if I replied to that one in the past, so I'll add my 2 cents here.
Generally we tend to think that people don't intend to offend, but it just gets interpreted as being offensive. Sometimes that's true and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes there are people who actually mean to offend.
But for our purposes, it's not about those offending, but those who feel they've been offended.
So, what can be done?
Well, for one, being offended is a choice — a hard one for people to understand. An example would be someone who yells at you through a wall. You can't hear him, yet he is still doing it. Are you offended? Probably not.
Now, remove the wall. Are you offended? Probably — but this time you are choosing to be offended. Or, you are letting him (the offender) control how you (the offendee) feel. Understanding that being offended is a choice and not something that you must feel is a starting point.
The next thing is to take a look at the situation as if you were an observer of it. Now ask the following questions: Is the person trying to offend or is the person trying to help, in his own way, but he doesn’t communicate well and it comes across as offensive? (This applies to a lot of parents, I'm sure. They are trying to help by telling you what needs to be done instead of trying to get the person to come to the same conclusions on their own.)
What is the motivation behind the offense? Is the person just using you to vent? Are you already in a poor mood and someone saying that your shoes are dirty sounds terribly offensive?
Another thing is that when people feel inadequate they will generally put down others to make themselves feel better. We see this in kids all of the time, but adults are just as guilty. They intend to offend to build themselves up. When this is understood, pity is the resulting feeling instead of offense.
We are all guilty of offending someone — intentionally or otherwise — and we have all been offended in one way or another. In the end it is how we react and handle it that is of more importance than the offense itself. I remember somewhere something about how that for someone not to forgive, in them there is the greater sin, I'm guessing, a greater sin than what was committed in the first place.
If we could all go from being offended to forgiving, I think that would be the most Christ-like way of handling it. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Cameron Dyck
Your focus on the offenses we commit, Cameron, was much needed in a conversation on taking offense. We all blunder, and we all occasionally say things we regret. Just as we hope people are lenient with our mistakes, we should give others the benefit of the doubt.
As often happens, the very next letter in the queue says what I was just trying to say, but better:
When someone hurts our feelings, no matter how much it hurts, we have to stop and think, "What does this have to do with my eternal salvation?"
There have been times when unthinking, or insensitive people have said things that have hurt my feelings, but I have learned that it is vital that I not let it get to me.
If I were to respond in an unkind or vindictive manner, all it would accomplish is I would have a new enemy. It doesn't hurt them or help me to respond in an unkind way, but I can consider myself a better person than I was before the offence if I just leave it alone.
Many years ago I learned a little poem which helps me to let go of frivolous confrontational situation.
I have cried in the night
For the shortness of sight
That to others’ needs made me blind,
But I never have yet
Felt a twinge of regret
For being a little too kind.
LA
Thanks for reminding us, LA, to look at offenses from an eternal perspective. It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama of the day, but most of those dramas will soon be forgotten.
It is rare that contention is viewed as a two-way street in the Church.
Having served a mission, I met with many, many people who chose to nurse a grievance rather than exercise the Atonement in their own lives and offer forgiveness.
I don't claim perfection. I have taken offense on more than one occasion and it is a mental effort to let my hurt go. I have also given up on being a constant peacemaker because it drains me and I need to maintain my own sanity.
Collecting occasions when one has been offended is a bit of a hobby in the Church. It is used as an excuse to dismiss all responsibility to our Father in Heaven and his gospel. Everything is, instead, blamed for years and years on a member of the Church who no longer has contact with the offended party. I stood up and cheered when I read Elder Bednar's talk about being offended in the November 2006 Ensign because it put the responsibility for being offended on the person who chose to take offense.
As far as general contention, I simply choose to avoid certain people who rub me the wrong way at church. It is an inevitable reality that not everyone is going to be our best friend and there are also people who make a hobby out of creating contention.
The Lord has a sense of humour because a sister I have chosen to avoid in the past was assigned to me a sister to visit teach. I am sure there is a lesson to be learned there somewhere.
My mission president once told me that the easiest way to handle a contentious situation is to simply say, “That was rude.” Then simply walk away. It gives you the satisfaction of labelling the behaviour, but also avoiding escalation. Trying to find the ideal way to fix a situation is often a fruitless effort, if the other people aren't aware they were being contentious or they have no desire to change.
A Burnt-Out Peacemaker
Thanks for your letter, Burnt-Out. As for your being assigned to visit teach someone you previously avoided, God has a delicious sense of irony. There’s always a lesson to be learned!
Your mission president who advised you to say, “That was rude,” has a lot more courage than I do. I may think that was rude, but that’s about as far as I can go. Yes, I am a wimp.
I have had several opportunities where I have been insulted at church. Most of those times were without intention to offend. Some of those times were with intention. When it's without intention, I simply bite the bullet and let it go, continually telling myself to feel (not only do) as Christ would. Within a few short days or weeks, the Savior literally carries it off my back.
Now, for those rougher times when it is done on purpose. I do my best to
- pray that I may forgive and
- pray that I may learn.
Many years ago I read that "pride," or being proud, includes those times when we get offended. I can't remember which book (either The Teachings of Joseph Smith or The Teachings of President Kimball) pointed out that we must be proud in order to take offense, because taking offense is nothing more than saying or feeling the equivalent of "I'm too perfect for anyone to think otherwise. I'm even better than Christ."
Think of it: Christ was mocked, spit upon, whipped, made fun of publicly, even crucified! But me? "I certainly don't deserve any of those things, because I'm much too good for that!" Are we that much better than Christ, as to not have any single person in the world disagree with us or offend us? Of course not!
We will be offended from time to time throughout our lives. So what are we to do? Well this book taught that perhaps we should humble ourselves and be meek (teachable) and think more along the lines of: If someone ever offends me, there must be a reason they feel or think that way. There must be some truth to what they are saying. People don't just decide one day to walk up to you and insult you. I must have said or done something to cause this person to feel this way and say such things. I will try to look at their comments as a "learning" opportunity. What can I earn from this? Where can I improve? What caused them to think/feel that way, and how can I send a better message or improve upon it next time?
It is amazing how well that counsel has served me over the past 20 years or so. And it's not just in reference to others at church (or in the world), but even more especially in reference to our family members, where offenses can be taken so much easier!
So my advice? Stop being so proud as to take offense from anyone! Instead, learn from it. How can you look for the truth behind their offense and find where you need to improve? We should not think of taking offense at offensive remarks or actions. We should think of it as another learning experience!
Teri 9
Plano, Texas
I guess I should be proud of myself, Teri, for providing so many learning experiences for others throughout the years. Lots of people are smarter because I’m so annoying!
Seriously, the idea of thinking of instances of offense as learning experiences is a good one. Next time someone gets under my skin, I’m going to try to remember that.
Love that you brought this up. I moved into an area where I had to go outside to check that I was attending the same church! The building looked the same, but at the time I had moved in there was so much contention between the sisters that the brethren were actually too scared to get involved. All the kind, gentle sweet sisters had long moved out or gone inactive and so, here I was, stuck in this place.
As LDS we expect a certain standard of behaviour within the walls of our chapels and when this does not occur, it alarms us. Remember the difference between the natural man and God's covenant people — we are peculiar and do not respond in the ways the world would teach us, but we do not have to fix others either. Here are a few things I learnt along the way through intense prayer and study (both of the scriptures and my studies and research).
The first thing the Lord taught me was not to become as they are; be true to myself and to my covenants. It is most natural to react by arguing back or through snappy remarks or even allowing ourselves to assume bitterness. Maintain a healthy distance. Remember the large and spacious building? Hold true to the rod.
The second thing he taught me is there is no point in complaining to leaders because they only think you are a problem and don't help anyhow — mainly because they are not present at the time and see only a bunch of women who all get along and you are the odd one out. Bullies are great at this! You won't change them. Keep your eyes focused only on the Lord and heed them not. Don't waste time worrying over their bad behavior. Really — don't let them get to you. The large and spacious building is not just the world but worldly people in the Church — it is Babylon! Visit the temple and keep active on the Lord's errands. You won't have time to worry then!
…Always look on the bright side. If the world gives you manure then dig it in to fertilise your life. Learn how to see others the way the Lord does. You don't have to like their behavior — you just have to love them as sisters. You can do this.
Find something nice about them. Trust me, sometimes you have to dig deep but the Lord will help you see something. This, however, does not mean you have to be best buddies.
The next thing the Lord taught me was to remember my missionary days in teaching the principles of repentance as well as my training as a counselor and the steps of healing. There are basically five steps.
- Recognition — recognize there is a problem. Don't ignore it, hoping it will go away.
- Responsibility — place responsibility where it belongs. You know it is not always your fault. Some people just have serious issues and take it out on others; they are called bullies. Don't engage with a bully. You will never win!
- Reaction — choose how to react to the problem. Determine if you can make a difference (only by changing your own attitudes) or if anything you do can help (hugs, quiet talking over the problem, and so on). Cry if you have to. Let it out. Don't let it fester, but don't make it bigger than what it is.
- Restitution — Do whatever you can to restore normality in your life, even if it means avoiding the offender. Paul warns us to avoid those who would tear down our faith. Don't be afraid to spend hours on your knees over this. The up-side is that it brings you closer to the Lord and helps you understand his purposes — i.e., to teach you good from evil and for you to choose good over evil. Hence, don't return like for like.
- Forgiveness — Forgive them. Allow them to have their meanness and problems. Don't make them your responsibility; you do not have to fix them. Pray that they will overcome but don't make them your project. Let them go. Breathe new air and move quickly away from the offense. Spencer W Kimball suggests to surround ourselves with beauty.
There are splendid sites about bullying and yes, it definitely can occur in the realms of Relief Society in varying degrees.
Don't be afraid to say that you will not accept being treated badly. But as the D&C teaches us, reprove with sharpness but quickly extend the compassion and love we afford others. Remember — don't make them your project! You don't have to fix them. This habit to fix people can draw us into a dangerous cycle of victim, rescuer and persecutor or judge. (Check out the Karpman Drama triangle, one of the most common and most destructive social games played in society.)
Finally, remember — just because it is the Lord's Church organized and led by true prophets does not mean that Satan does not use members to drive others away. Decide not to be driven away and stick to it!
Look into prophecies by Ezra Taft Benson and others warning us of the evils that will encroach upon the Lord's church. Remember the warning of Moroni when he said, "There are none save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts" (Mormon 8:36, but you really should check out the whole chapter).
If I were to offer advice I would say, remember who you covenanted with. Remember who you serve. Remember what they did to him and the price he paid for our sins. Remember his words: "Whatsoever you do unto the least of these … you do unto me." Don't engage. Above all else, to thine own self be true, do not engage, keep yourself unspotted from the world.
Challenging? Oh yes! Pray always that ye be not deceived and keep your eyes firmly fixed on Him who is worthy to lead you. Heed them not who are in the large and spacious building. What they choose is not our concern. Only our path is our business. Learn to walk away with meekness and heed them not.
Hope this has been of help.
Anon.
Thanks for a long and thoughtful letter, Anon. The checklist is especially helpful, and many will appreciate the time you took to share your ideas.
I would like to share an experience I had that may be of help. My experience is not with a member of the Church; however, I think you will see that this principle will apply universally with all of our brothers and sisters throughout our mortal experience.
I worked for an extremely difficult female supervisor. I was not the only person who had to deal with negative and contentious emotions when trying to work with her. I finally reached the point where I no longer wanted to go to work because I just did not want to see or talk to my supervisor.
One day as I was walking from my car to my office, dreading the day, I looked around me and I was impressed that every person I saw was my brother or sister. This impression remained with me as I went to my desk and prepared for a meeting with my supervisor. Being in this state of mind, I mentally approached my Father in Heaven. I frankly told Him that I knew I needed to love my supervisor because she was my sister. I confessed that I did not love her; in fact, I did not even like her.
I told Heavenly Father that I knew that He loved my supervisor as much as He loves me. I sincerely asked Him to share His love for her with me so that my heart would change. I want you to know that instantly my entire body was flooded with a warmth that is difficult to describe. I absolutely knew how much Heavenly Father loved my supervisor, but more than that my heart was filled with love for her. Nothing else changed that day, except in how I saw her. Because I knew Heavenly Father's love for her and I had felt that love I was more patient and more willing to look for new ways to communicate and work with her.
I have known for a long time that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. I testify that with the Lord's help the change that must come into our hearts and lives comes as a gift from Heavenly Father through the Spirit when sincerely seek such a gift.
Heather in Hawaii
What an inspirational letter, Heather! Your advice was so simple, but so few of us think to do something like that. I hope I remember your counsel next time I’m faced with a difficult relationship.
Speaking of toxic relationships, here’s a big one:
My relationship with my fellow seminary teacher got so bad that she actually made it a point to walk out of the room whenever I entered, refused to address me directly, and "reported" me to both the bishop and the CES director. It was never clear what had offended her so greatly or the source of her anger. Her complains were petty and unfounded.
I considered asking to be released from a calling I loved for the good of the students and the program. Several unsuccessful attempts were made by myself and priesthood leadership to discuss the situation with her. I was left with no choice but to use my best manners, smile, and continue serving.
Many years later I realized that this sister's poor emotional and spiritual health had much more to do with the situation than anything I had done or said. The best thing I could have done was step back, not take it personally, and treat the entire situation as a symptom of her struggles.
Been There in Seattle
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Been There. When we’re in the thick of things we seldom take the time to realize that what we perceive to be the problem — and even what the other person perceives to be the problem — may not be the problem at all. Your letter was a potent reminder.
Our last letter today is a potent reminder of what happens when we “take it to the Lord in prayer.”
I'm sure you'll have lots of great tales come in. In my story, prayer was the solution.
My husband is in the military, and we have lived in a lot of different wards over the years. In one ward we had four little children eight and under and my husband was in the bishopric. I was exceedingly pregnant with number five.
One Sunday an inactive sister that I visit taught showed up at church with her son, who was the same age as my oldest. Of course I invited her to sit on the bench with me so she would feel comfortable. Unfortunately, because her son had rarely been to church, he did not know how to behave, and she did nothing to curb his behavior.
Sitting next to my son, soon they were a bit noisy, but being so pregnant and wrestling my active two-year-old I couldn't do much that Sunday to keep everyone perfectly behaved. The kids really weren't that bad. Nothing was above a whisper from any of them, though there was a lot of that.
The meeting finally ended, and just as I began a bit of self-congratulatory, "Well, we made it through and I stayed calm, patient, loving, and in control," the woman in front of me turned around and began to unleash some of the most venomous negativity I have ever experienced. She was furious that her sacrament meeting had been disrupted. She knew my husband couldn't sit with me, but that was no excuse. She railed on me for over five minutes. I was completely shocked and was too stunned to say anything in return. I was so angry. After the meeting I cried in the hall and wanted to find her in Sunday School and let her have it!
This experience ate at me for several weeks. I knew I should get over it and forgive, but it was too hard. I knew from a few other sources in the ward that this woman had a toxic personality and had caused many problems for many other people in the ward, so that helped me realize she wasn't firing on all cylinders.
I prayed to the Lord that He would take away my anger at this woman. Two weeks later I had another run-in with her over my daughter in Primary, and I responded in a neutral way. It was then that I realized that the Lord had truly taken away all of my anger toward her, and I was able to interact with her as if the previous experience had never happened. The week before we moved out of the ward, she sat by me in Relief Society, and I talked with her as if nothing had ever happened. This was truly a miracle.
This is not the only time I have had negative experiences with ward members. I could write volumes of the crazy things I have experienced and witnessed. In every case, when I let it, prayer for help in forgiveness has really been an amazing tool to heal feelings.
Witness to Many Miracles in Texas
Thanks for a great reminder, Witness. It’s always great to be reminded that miracles are happening every day, if only we notice them. And as you pointed out, sometimes those miracles are so subtle that we only recognize them after the fact.
Okay, readers. We’ll give this topic another week if we have enough letters to do so. (If you’d still like to comment, send your letters to MeridianMagazine@aol.com.) Then we’re on to another happy subject.
Until next week — Kathy
“In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth,
and have begun striving for ourselves.”
— Buddha
