After an unscheduled vacation last week due to lack of computer access, I am back in the saddle and thinking about bullies. And what a surprise it was when this week’s first two letters specifically talked about bullies in Scouting. This is something that gives a whole new meaning to the motto, “Be Prepared”!

Before I even run these letters, I want to issue a big disclaimer. Bullying is not part of the official Boy Scout program! The following two letters illustrate what can happen in any group of children without the proper supervision. The tragedy here is that the bullying is occurring in the official church setting for boys of a certain age, and — if uncorrected — may drive a boy away from church for life:

Bullying is such a way of life in the Boy Scout troop in the ward where my grandsons live that each one of my grandsons has dropped out of scouting as soon as they leave Cub Scouts. I only have one Cub Scout grandson left so I am hoping the bullies leave scouts before he turns 11. Each one of my grandsons have enjoyed Cub Scouts and excelled to be proud examples of scouting. How sad to have them leave scouting because of the bullying of others. Of course my grandsons were not the only targets. It seems the bullies in their ward target all the other boys and are just bullies in general.

I am concerned when leaders do not feel that each boy in their ward needs scouting and so would rather let the bullying go on than have young men learn all that scouting provides. Although my grandsons each plan on going on a mission, I wonder how many young men who have dropped out of scouting also fail to go on missions. I would bet there is a correlation. I am also concerned that these bullies progress in the priesthood when the priesthood is supposed to have the opposite values of bullying.

I can’t see a way to stop the bullying until the priesthood leadership decides to disallow bullying altogether. I know of only one bishop who told the parents of the one bully in the ward that the bully would only be allowed to participate in young men activities (including scouts) when he could do so without intimidation and/or harm to other boys. That took courage! Of course he never came back to church, but the church didn’t lose the other boys who were affected by that one bully. How come the priesthood doesn’t assign an adult leader to mentor the bullies one by one so that the bully can have a different perspective than the is getting from the lack of appropriate positive attention, direction, and example?

Concerned Grandparent

You raise good questions, Concerned. I’m glad you at least had one bishop who confronted a bully in your grandsons’ ward. And I’m even gladder that your grandsons haven’t let their experience with bullies affect their church membership.

Here’s another letter that illustrates the power of Scouts gone bad:

Our family is living with the aftermath ofa little boy who was bullied. Our middle son was a happy little boy who wanted to be in church so bad that once when we weren't getting ready fast enough to suit him, he walked the one block to church and sat with his Primary teacher. That's where we found him after an hour of frantic searching.

Older boys started singling him out when he entered Scouts. He managed to get through his first year of Scouts because of a dedicated Scout leader who led him by the hand through all the steps. Then ward boundaries changed and his beloved Scout leader wasno longer available to him. After that he would go to the combined mutual meetings but never managed to get to Scouts.

He used to love to go to church dances and youth conference until the snide remarks and bullying started there. When he reached 16 he said, "Enough.I don't feel safe at church. Why go somewhere where people are mean to me?"He dropped out rather than be ordained a priest. He is a happy, talented young man in other settings, with many good friends. He has friends in other wards but not in ours. He participates in family prayers and scripture reading but no longer goes on youth temple trips. He attended seminary for a year until the bullying started there. On Wednesday nights he occasionally will go over to combined mutual meetings but usually goesto another church's youth activities with his non-Mormon buddies.

Solution? People have tried to jolly him back in. We've tried to insist that he attend his meetings but he still does not feel safe or included. We've wrapped him in prayer and in the end let him make choices, exercising his agency. The damage is done. He is growing up to be a fine young man — one who distances himself from the church.

A mother in Oklahoma

What a tragic story, Oklahoma! The only thing I can wonder is, where in the world are the leaders? Don’t they see this going on? The most puzzling instance you mentioned was seminary, because seminary students are never in a room without an adult leader. Not only should this bullying not have been allowed to continue, but it shouldn’t have occurred in the first place. But it apparently happens, because the next letter tells of bullying in another place where children are never left without an adult leader.

Bullying occurs in Primary. I have a gentle little girl that is being victimized by another girl in her Primary class. Is it physical? Every now and then. Is it emotional/psychological? Yes, every Sunday.

I've talked to my 8-year-old daughter about how to handle this situation. We have given her strategies for coping. We've talked to the teacher. The Primary presidency is aware. The mom and dad are aware.

The response? The Primary presidency said, "Well, girls will be girls," but did put the bully’s dad
in as the teacher (although he can only be there every other Sunday). The mom seems to not be sure how to handle this daughter.

So the bullying continues. My daughter is trying to implement the strategies we've given her. But as a parent, there comes a time when you worry about their testimony. You worry about what Young Women will be like if Primary is this bad. If the economy wasn't so bad, I would sell my house and go to a different ward. We've lived in another ward where this didn't happen, so I know it's possible to find some normalcy for my daughter.

I have no answers.

Struggling in Utah

What a sad situation, Struggling! Although your Primary presidency did make an effort by getting the bully’s father to teach the class, the fact that he can’t be there every week doesn’t solve the problem.

As uncomfortable as it may be, the next step may be a group meeting with the bishop, the Primary presidency and (maybe) the parents of the bully. If the situation can’t be rectified in that meeting, perhaps your daughter could be moved to a younger (or older) class — or some other solution could be found.

You know, it could be that the bully in question is doing so out of ignorance and not out of meanness. I remember once when I was a little kid, a neighbor found me pulling the tail of her cat. Instead of whacking me for my indiscretion (which is what parents did in those days), she showed me how I could get even better attention from the cat if I would pet it instead of hurting it. It was a revelation!

I have no way of knowing whether your bully does so out of ignorance or out of malice, but if you suspect it may be ignorance, you might be able to solve the problem with kindness. If you invited the little girl over for a play date and the three of you (your daughter, the bully, and you) baked cookies together, it may solve the problem. Or maybe not. Depends on the bully!

Speaking of the question of ignorance versus malice, here is another instance that only needed some loving words (coupled with a veiled threat!) to be rectified:

Even after reading all the comments, I am not sure on which side of the bully fence I lived, but it did remind me of an uncomfortable sense of exclusion that I played a part in.

Fifty years ago, we had wonderful stake Saturday night dances with a live band. No one showed up with a date, so they could dance with everyone. One Sunday morning as we visited while milking the cows, Father asked, “Did you dance with Colleen last night?” I answered, “No one dances with big Colleen.”

“Well, did you dance with your cousin?” I said, “You mean the one with a high-pitched screeching voice?”

He then asked, “Did all the girls that you asked to dance, join you on the dance floor?” I said, “Yes, every one.” Then he asked, "Do you think they all really wanted to dance with you?” “Well maybe not,” I admitted. (I only realized later that I was what other people would have called a nerd.)

Then he said, “Your cousin’s father reported to me that he almost has to force her to go to the dances, since no one asks her to dance.” He paused to let that sink in. Then he asked, “Well, do you want to take the car to the dance next week?” “Yes, I said.” “Enough said then,” he answered.

From that time on I arrived early, and made sure everyone got to dance. Twenty years later at a class reunion, these two ladies reminded my dear wife that they remembered me as the gentleman who cared enough to include them.

Boyd J. Hale, M.D.
Vilnius, Lithuania

Thanks for a great story, Boyd. It’s a great reminder of how our lives can be changed by parents (or leaders) who care enough to show us a better way.

Here are a couple of letters that bluntly (but effectively) show the place that bullies should have in a civilized society:

"Shoot them all and let God sort ‘em out."

Obviously this is not literal, but bullies have no place in a Christian society. Parents have a responsibility to teach their children that using force over someone else to get their way is unacceptable. It is no different than a husband forcing his wife to "obey" and do what he wants.
Bullies not only hurt the target person, but also anyone who is watching. Years ago, my son watched a bully twist a child's arm behind his back and then lift and jerk until it literally broke the arm. All the other children saw this and many were traumatized for a long time afterwards.

I'm sure this behavior is rooted in many different things, so we should not make assumptions about home or family or anything. However, we have an obligation to stop it.

We ignore bullies and say it is ok, and then wonder why the world is so violent.

David Graves
SLC, Utah

P.S. This is my edited and toned down version. I wanted to say a lot more.

What you said illustrated the point perfectly, David. Parents, have you considered the consequences to your child if he witnesses a bully in action, even if he isn’t the target of the bully? Your child could be traumatized even if he’s only a bystander. It’s something to think about.

I think that bullying should become a matter of worthiness. Issues like this need to be addressed by the bishop or stake leaders. If the parents are not preventing it, then there need to be consequences for them and the youth who are perpetrating this behaviour. If leaders are not preventing unchristian behaviour like this, then they are not fulfilling their callings effectively.

I have strong opinions on this subject because I had lots of extremely unchristian behaviour directed at me as a child and a youth. Although the leaders and bishop were well aware of what was going on, there was never any intervention. I consider myself blessed that I had a strong enough testimony to keep going to church, because otherwise I would have left the Church like the majority of my family. Some of my siblings were subjected to behaviour that never should have been tolerated by anyone, let alone members of the Church, and yet no one stepped in.

Leaders are only human, but the consequences of bullying can literally be deadly and it has no place at church. We need to speak up and keep speaking up until the behaviour is stopped.

No Tolerance for Bullying
Canada

You said it, No Tolerance. Here in the States, we have a legal word for people who allow a crime to be committed without reporting it or trying to stop it. That word is “accessory,” and an accessory can be punished under the law just the same as the person who actually commits the crime. I’m in no way advocating that any of us resort to the court system in resolving issues with our brothers and sisters, but if you’re a leader who turns a blind eye while people under your supervision are being bullied it’s something to think about.

I have had many years of experience with bullies. When my son was four, a couple of boys two or three years older were the neighborhood bullies (they were also in the ward) and had, in fact, became quite vicious. I finally called the mother up and her response was, "Oh he's just a little naughty."

I pointed out the age discrepancy and the huge size discrepancy between my son and her son, and told her that I knew, she knew, that her son was also beating up others in the neighborhood because I could see it from where I lived, and afterwards they would knock on her door and tell whoever answered what was going on. I could not get her to back down until I said, "Okay he's a teenager and juvenile court comes knocking on your door, are you going to say he's a little naughty." She later called to say he was in counseling.

I had a teacher who pulled me aside when my son was in sixth grade to let me know that he was being bullied, and she had kept a watch on him at school. In the meantime we moved to another neighborhood and another school and I became aware of him being bullied in junior high by the kids in the neighborhood who were also in the ward. This was happening during school and in the neighborhood.

I called several different places, and also called the school for help and had no success there; the bullying continued. At school I think they called in all the kids involved, including my son, and told them to cut it out. After all was said and done, reluctantly, and upon advice of the local police, I ended up filing a police report. Was the stake president ever unhappy with me!

If I had to do it again, would I? Absolutely. I was the adult. Getting physically attacked is covered by locallaws, and reportingthese incidents providedthesekidsinvolved with an “opportunity” for accountability.

The boys’ involved came and apologized. However, the taunts probably went on, but the physical bullying mostly stopped. I had also calculated that my chances of resolving this in the ward and stake were nil because the younger brother of one of the boys involved would stand out in front of his house and go after people that walked by with a baseball bat; this was the family of a ward leader. These days too, it seems, parents are very defensive about their children, even if they are doing things that are wrong.

The next year my son had refused to go to school several days and finally admitted he was getting bullied again. Minutes after I found that out, the school called to find out why he wasn't there. I finally admitted that he was being roughed up at school; same school, new vice-principal. I was told to let them know when and where, and they would keep a discreet lookout. It seemed to stop with that call. As time went on, he grew much taller than most everyone else as he went into high school.

I'm not claiming my son was perfect. I saw him and his best friend going the rounds one day. Shortly after this he got involved in a sport he totally loved and this was a great outlet for this male aggression. I am a great proponent of sports for boys, for this reason; it is too bad that sports has become something entirely else these days.

I think it takes responsible adults being aware of this problem, and simply not saying, "Kids will be kids." Bullying is usually several against one, and can become very serious and escalate without some sort of way to help these kids become aware of what is and is not acceptable in a society.

My son is now a man, but is stillsensitive and considerate.

Been there in Utah where neighborhoods are wards

What you wrote was important because you pursued the situation and didn't let the bullies get away with it. This probably made you a hero in your son’s eyes, which is always a good thing to be.

As for parents who turn a blind eye when their children act as bullies, these are litigious times. Parents have been held liable for crimes their children commit. Turning a blind eye can cost a lot of money — in addition to the harm it does your children to be undisciplined. Scary stuff.

Here is an intriguing theory about a potential underlying factor of bullying:

I've seen lots of bullying in my decades of raising children in the Church. I think part of the problem is that the youth of the Church are told that they are special, so it's easy for them to think it means they are better than other people. They are told to choose good friends, so it puts them in the position of deciding who is "good enough" for their time and attention.

Mormons stick together, being a peculiar peopleand all, but how good are our social skills with people who are different from us or even just less mature in the gospel? I've noticed the youth often lack social skills that would help them welcome the "strangerat the gates." Sometimes the adults are not much more skilled and so are unable to teach their children how to behave! However, adults are usually better able to handle being on the receiving end of such behavior. It can be devastating to youth.

We are blessed to have new converts and people who are in varying stages of developing a testimony. I wonder if we could lovingly accept that all are "in process" and our youth would follow our example.

We need to remember that our mission is to bring all people to Christ, not just Mormons. If we truly are "chosen" it is chosen to do a work, not to sit on our behinds enjoying other special people! The goal to choose good friends is not an excuse to exclude people who are less witty, attractive or prosperous.

Pride is behind much of the bullying behavior. Pride and hypocrisyinfect church members of all ages and in varying degrees. Our children learn it from us! It sends people out of the Church almost in droves! Yes, we should all reread Elder Bednar's talk about not taking offense, but we could all use a good reread of President Benson's talk "Beware of Pride"

Leah in Puyallup, Washington

Thanks for a reminder, Leah, that church members around us are relying on us for support, even if they don’t say a word. It’s something we often forget. And here’s another letter exploring the reason why bullies may act the way they do:

My son was bullied about 35 years ago, both in school and at church. (I only knew a bit that I actually saw, but he told me about more years later.)

What I saw was at a church picnic, where two other boys chased my son(who was on crutches at the time) and I asked his YM leader to help. That leader was small in stature and told me that it was hisexperience (he'd been bullied) to let it go for my son to handle ithimself.

I believe that may only work if the "victim" understands the dynamics of bullies.

I understand that the main reason bullies bully is because they feel powerless and afraid so they pick on someone weaker to try to feelpowerful and in control. If so, running is not the best idea but to actually make a friendly contact (after prayer) inprivate, tryingto discover what is causing the powerless fear in the bully (often itis that they are being now or have been bullied themselves or they feel "less than" about most others around them).

Gangs form for the same reasons — trying to get power in grouping tocombat fear.

So I think the answer is Christlike love.

Gramajane

Your theory seems sound to me, Gramajane. Still, it blows me away that any adult (even one “small in stature” would stand by and watch while two boys chased a kid who was on crutches. We live in interesting times.

I can't imagine this going on in a ward — probably because I'm in the best ward there is... :-)

Anyway, since I haven't seen it in church, I can't really comment on it from that perspective, but I do have a bullying experience from my youth that I can share. When I was in about third grade, my family was still fairly new in our community, having moved to my mom's home state after my dad died. So I was being raised by a single mom at a time when that was very rare (early 50's).

Mom was a teacher in our small school, so all the kids knew her, and for some reason a pair of bullies decided that they didn't like "teacher's kids," so they started bullying me during recess periods. After about a week of taking it from them (without consulting with my mom — I've always been kind of independent), I finally had had enough. So during the next recess, when the pair approached me and began to poke and prod, I rared back and punched the bigger of the two right in the nose. He went down, and I immediately pounced on him, straddling his chest on my knees, and whacked him a couple more times. Apparently horrified, the other bully yelled at me, "You can't do that!" to which I whacked the first one again. Then I got up and walked away. Funny thing is, they never bothered me again, nor did anyone else in the school.

Now, I know this probably isn't what you really wanted to hear, but I seriously doubt that if I had taken the problem to my mom, there would have been anything she or any other authority figure in the school could have done that would have been nearly as effective. (Besides, third graders can't really hit that hard.)

Dave Allen
Sun Prairie Ward, Madison Wisconsin Stake

I enjoyed your story, Dave. It reminded me of my childhood, back in the days when every playground was a battlefield. As I wrote in the last column, there are some kids who can fend for themselves and some kids who can’t. Perhaps the reason more adults don’t get involved when they see bullying is that they can’t discern which camp the victim falls in.

Our last letter today comes from a parent whose children were on the receiving end of bullying. The counsel given in this situation could help a lot of parents who are in the same situation today:

I believe Kathy may be correct when she wondered, “if the bullies of today become the members of exclusive cliques when they grow up.”

First we need to acknowledge there are many forms of bullying. The most common form, found in church, is more of a passive-aggressive type bullying — the exclusion of and/or the rumors spread by the clique aimed towards certain youth. This is the most pervasive not just among the youth but among adults. You will usually notice that the worst youth offenders, more times than not, mirror their parents.

As a parent of children on the receiving end of the bullying I can give this advice. The most important action you can take as a parent is to teach your children why they go to church. This is critical. My children were bullied in a ward for more than a decade. After countless hours of fasting and prayer, I felt inspired that I should teach my children the real reason we go to church. We go to church to renew our covenant through the sacrament and to learn about the Godhead andthe Prophets, and how that applies to us. We do not go to church solely for friendship. Although friendship in the ward would be nice, we can survive without it.

A friend shared thisanalogy she used to helpmake it easy for heryounger children to understand:

Picture a big unfrosted chocolate cupcake. It looks delicious. The chocolate cupcake is the gospel. The cupcake has a sweet creamy filling on the inside. The creamy filling is the sweet love of Jesus Christ.

When asked if they would like to eat the unfrosted cupcake, children always say yes. Of course they would and the Gospel is just like the unfrosted cupcake with Jesus Christ as the center. We can enjoy going to church to learn the Gospel and about Jesus Christ.

We don’t need frosting on our cupcake for it to be delicious. If we get frosting on our cupcake that is nice, but if we don’t, the cupcake is still delicious with the creamy filling. The same goes for friendship at church. If they get friendship that is nice, but if they don’t they can still enjoy the gospel and Jesus Christ. Help them understand Jesus Christ is the best friend they will ever have and he will always be there for them at any time. He will always respond to a child’s prayer.

This analogy sustained my children until their teen years when they were old enough to understand the more complicated version of why this was happening. As an answer to my prayers I felt inspired to teach my teens the following.

The adversary is very real. His intent is to destroy as many souls as possible. Once a Latter-day Saint becomes an adult it is difficult for the adversary to obtain his goal. Therefore, he focuses on the most vulnerable of our members, our youth. My teens understand the adversary works on youth members and nonmembers alike. If the youth do not abide with a Christlike spirit, they leave themselves open to be used as instruments of the adversary; even to destroy the spiritual nature of another youth.

For some youth, because of who they were in the pre-existence, they will be tried more severely by the adversary. These youth are of extreme importance to our Heavenly Father. They are being tested, and they must learn to stand strong on their own. If they are successful they will be better prepared to serve in the callings God has planned for them. I pointed outhow we sawyouth in the cliques (who were the bullies) get into trouble when their church friends were not around. They never learned to stand strong on their own. You will need to point out as often as possible the many ways they are being blessed and/or protected by the Lord so they have a clear understanding of God’s love for them.

I testify that the guidance given to me through the Holy Ghost was validated when my oldest child got his patriarchal blessing. When my child learned of his spiritual nature in the pre-existence and what was to be in the future, he understood how important the time period of “standing strong on his own” really was. He was also promised the testing (bullying) period would be but for a short time longer and then blessings beyond measure would be poured out upon him.

Having been a youth leader, I believe a great deal of the bullying seems to be directed from the youth who feel they and/or their families are better than those they are bullying. As a youth leader you will never be able to get the youth to stop the bullying until the parents are asked to get involved. Many youth leaders do not want to address the issue with the bully’s parents because they are afraid of offending the parents — which might hold negative consequences for them (future callings). As a youth leader I never tolerated bullying of any type. I held meetings to address such behavior. Bullying can be stopped, but it starts by youth leaders addressing the issues with the parents.

Always remember you are your child’s advocate. If you do not stand up for your child, no one will. I was not the most liked individual in my ward because I stood up for my children when they were bullied by eitheryouth or a youth leader. I’ve watched as too many of our lovely youth have gone astray because the parents did not stand up for their children. I would recommend you have frequent meetings with your bishop and let him address the issues with the youth leaders. Many say you should address the issues with the youth leaders first,I beg to differ. For the most part, the youth leaders know what is going on and if nothing is being done, then speaking with them will not resolve the problems. I know this from experience.

I hope this helps. Be your children’s advocate and teach them the true reason why they go to church.

Anchored in Christ

That’s sound advice, Anchored. We human beings can get so accustomed to the cultural aspects of the Church that we can forget why we’re really there. This is a reminder we all need from time to time.

Okay, people, that’s it for today. Go out and celebrate the days leading up to Christmas, and I’ll “see” you again next week.

Until next time — Kathy

Ralph Waldo Emerson