There are so many people who are concerned about sports as an appropriate Sabbath activity that I suspect we could spend another month debating it, but vacation intervenes. So this will be the last week of the debate about Sabbath observance. When I return, we’ll start a shiny new subject.
But before we get to the sports letters, I received several notes this week from people who took exception to my use of the term “free agency” in last week’s column. Here is one note, and my response:
Five years ago when I was called as Primary president, I received the Church's Primary sacrament program and sharing time outline, which stated that we were not to teach the term "free agency" to the children, since it is not found in the scriptures as such, but to use the term "agency." Just thought you should know that it is not a fashionable term but institutional. Your thoughtful consideration of the above mentioned item is greatly appreciated.
Michele Bourque
Thanks for letting me know about the official Primary policy, Michele. I knew this was now an official policy, but I didn't know when it happened.
Things change. I've even seen instances where President Hinckley used the term "free agency," so it hasn't been that long since the term was acceptable.
The change I'll bet even you don't know about is the "threefold mission of the Church." When Clark and I wrote A Convert's Guide to Mormon Life more than ten years ago, we mentioned the threefold mission of the Church. An editor at Bookcraft called us, rudely informing us that there is no such thing as a threefold mission of the Church, and there hadn't been for years (the emphasis was his). There is only one mission of the Church, he informed us — to bring souls to Christ.
I observed that I didn't remember ever hearing about a change in the mission, and the man said, "Of course they're not going to make an announcement. You're supposed to be able to notice that the general authorities are no longer talking about a threefold mission, and take your cue from there." Even though he was telling me this over the telephone, I could tell from his voice that he was rolling his eyes over our ignorance.
Clark and I were told to take any references to the "threefold mission" out of our book, and we obediently did so. But if I were a betting person, I'd wager that in your ward people are still planning activities around the threefold mission that no longer existed (and hadn't “for years") in 1998. I know they are in ours!
And in fact, I think I'm going to mention it in this week's column because your letter isn't the only one that mentioned the free agency thing. Thanks for bringing it up.
***
Now for the letters on Sabbath observance. As usual, they’re in the order I received them because I don’t want to tilt the tone of the column by letter placement:
Our daughter is eight years old and competes on a gymnastics team. Before we committed to the program we made sure the owner and coaches understood it was not an option for her to participate in any meet or practice held on a Sunday. We also made sure we understood how our decision might negatively affect others on the team. Because it is assigned based on the numbers of gymnasts in each level, we were grateful she was able to participate in 50% of the meets her team attended last year. Even with natural talent in the sport, and a desire to see her develop it to the best of her ability, we don't see it as a sacrifice to give up Sunday participation. We remind our daughter, and ourselves, without living the gospel what do we have in this life?
With our daughter's young age we have not seen any resentment. We don't doubt it could come. As parents, we made the decision for our daughter that the Sabbath comes first and gymnastics comes second. But we have explained to her that even though it is our responsibility to make this decision for her now, the time will come when she will be old enough to make this decision for herself. If at that point she decides to participate on Sundays, she knows we will not attend the event to watch her and she will need to arrange for her own transportation. We have explained that we may be disappointed with her choice but we will treat her the same and will love her just as much as we do now. We are hopeful she will continue to share our values as she grows but we also value her opportunity, after having been prepared, to make her own choices.
Gymnast’s Parents
What a great letter, Parents! You have carefully set out your standards, are making the decisions for her until she is old enough to make decisions for herself, and have told her you’ll be disappointed if she makes the wrong decisions at that time but will love her regardless.
I must say that after reading the article I must confess that I couldn't see what the issue is. To me it is a no-brainer. We, as members of the Church or otherwise, cause most of our fears, worries, and problems to come true when we think we are smarter and more enlightened than our Heavenly Father and his prophets. Simple as that.
Do we have a testimony or not? Do we support the Prophet or not? It has been promised to us numerous times, almost every conference and many of the Ensign messages, that if we follow the Prophet we and our families will be blessed.
There has been promise after promise given about Family Home Evening observance and what it can do for families. Promise after promise about what scripture study can do for families. Promise after promise about what Sabbath day observance can do for our families. Yet we still have questions like the one being presented coming up because we are unwilling to show the faith and obedience to the Lord. "Whether by the voice of my servants or myself it is the same."
Let's stop thinking that these commandments are only suggestions and that "they don't apply to us" or that "other people need that but I can handle it" and finally allow the Lord to bless us. "How oft would I have gathered you under my wings but ye would not."
Stuart Wall
Thanks for reminding us, Stuart, that we’re in a world of trouble when we decide the prophets’ counsel doesn’t apply to us. Usually the smarter we think we are, the less we know.
Read on for the story of a mother who anticipated the conflict that team sports could cause and decided before her kids were old enough to play how she would handle the situation:
When my kids were young, I could see that this was a subject that had the potential to cause long-range problems in my family. So I elected to not get the kids involved in sports, even though they were athletic kids.
To me, it's like dressing them in proper clothing. You start with modesty when they're little and hold those standards until they are adults and on their own. If you wait until they're teens, you've got a problem. You teach them to live the Word of Wisdom from the time they're a tot. If not, don't be surprised when they smoke or do drugs. What is the difference with Sabbath-day behavior? The scripture that comes to mind is, "Teach them the way they should go when they are little and when they are old they will depart not from it."
I have watched too many of our youth be sucked into the "We're number 1!" syndrome to want my kids to be part of that. I see too many of our youth who don't bother with Scouting (or YW) because they (and their parents) would rather have them play sports.
Many of them are the ones that wait until right before they go on their missions to "earn" their "Duty to God" award. Since they are "such great kids," it seems like they don't have to actually do the requirements, just smile nicely and they get the award that active kids should be working on for a minimum of four years. A program that they haven't done any work on is awarded in two or three months of "effort."
Where is this time coming from to get the all the requirements done? They're either still in high school or now in college and still playing sport or they're working full time. The answer is, the requirements are being "modified" so that they can cram it in. They have the award, but have they really earned it? Is it serving the purpose for which it was designed? That purpose wasn't just to "look good," but to implant proper standards into their hearts — to deepen their "walking in the ways of the Lord."
Many are the same kids that come to seminary and put their heads on their desk to sleep until it's time to go to school. Having taught both early morning seminary and home study seminary, I see the effort (or not) that is put into the work. Yes, these kids have four years of seminary. If they're warming a seat, that counts as "being there." But do they have four years of immersion in the scriptures when they slept their way though class? Nope.
Many of these youth are very self-involved. They're the "elite," and the rest of the youth are ignored or taunted by these kids, both at church and at school. The sad thing is that their neither their parents nor other adults see them acting this way. Youth are smart and know when to make sure the adults are out of the room or looking the other way before they act aggressively towards other youth. It tends to be these kids that drive out the other "not popular" kids, the ones that are quietly going about their lives. The ones that are not the "beautiful people" are the ones on the receiving end of these "stars’" nasty behavior. Even when you say something to the parents and leaders, they don't believe that their super-star, uber-likable kid would act like that.
It seems to me that the one thing we want to teach our children is to be humble. It also seems to me that the one thing sports is good at is teaching children to be arrogant and to belittle those that aren't as good as they.
As I see it, the whole sports system is an anathema to the Lord's way. The Lord invites all to come unto Him. Sports only wants the most talented; the rest are turned away or at best, warm a bench. The Lord asks each of us to do our best; Sports only accepts the best, anything less and you're replaced. The Lord asks us to treat each other kindly; Sports teaches us that we do whatever it takes to win (including cheating and lying — but only if "necessary"). The Lord teaches that we should esteem our brother as ourselves; Sports teaches that every one is a competitor, to be beaten. The Lord gives us eternal life and the potential for exaltation; Sports gives us a questionable attitude, 15 minutes of fame and a lifetime of trying to relive our "glory days."
Yes, our children may have a talent for sports — or for music or theater, for that matter. Some argue that we should develop our talents. Well, yes. To a point. But hey, there are some talents that don't need to be developed. When I was young, I had a talent for lying. Should I have been allowed to hone that talent? What about a talent for cheating? Should that be honed? You may think I'm being ridiculous with this analogy, but follow it through. Ask yourself; "Will this talent that we want developed lead us, our children and those we come in contact with, toward Christ or away from Him?" (Be truthful, the "but look at all the people they can influence" doesn't work if they aren't who they are supposed to be! Instead, they will alienate people!)
We all need to chose good things in life. We need a life's work. But do we really want our children in professional sports, music or performance? Do we want them constantly walking on the edges, constantly exposing themselves to temptation and thinking that "sounds" good, but when held up to Gospel light, we see that it's flawed.
How many of our children have been lost because of involvement in theater, music as well as sports? We can all name performers who have lost their testimonies because of involvement in things that are against Gospel teachings. Many of us that as adults have worked with some of the "stars" can tell you that even though they're still "active," their haughty attitude and way of treating people leaves a lot to be desired as of followers of Christ. They might influence fans, but what of their own families and fellow church members? What of their own eternal life?
When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he replied that the greatest commandment was to, "Love the Lord with all our hearts, might, minds and spirit and to love our neighbor as ourselves. On this hangs all the Law and the Prophets." Haughty attitudes, entitlement in the wealthy or popular, and corruption of morals will not lead us back to Christ, nor does it put us in position to lead others of our Father's children back to Him.
It is very true that not all kids that get into sports, music or theater turn out badly. The problem is, we don't know ahead of time which children will be negatively affected by involvement in these activities. I'm not talking about learning to play the piano, pickup softball or school plays, but rather the "system" that steers our children into deeper and deeper involvement and leads to professional careers. For surely, professionals play sports, sing, dance and act on Sundays. What does constantly missing church because they "have to" (unlike "service" personnel — firefighters, paramedics, nurses, and others who are serving others in their work) do for them? They work for money and the glory of the world. What does it do to them? How does it affect their eternal lives?
And in the end, the fear that kids will resent the Church and leave it because they can't play on Sunday has nothing to do with sports or any other excuse. It's only a symptom of much deeper problems — a lack of testimony and questionable activities that are going on that parents and leaders have no idea the kids are involved in. (Been here, had to deal with that!) Yes, rules don't thrill teens, yes they grumble, yes, other people can drive them away with comments and meanness — unless they have their own testimony and are choosing to live Gospel principles. Then they don't have the sort of problems that result in them threatening to leave the Church if they don't get their way. (They will however, have other problems. Problems are a part of life.)
I say we keep the Sabbath. We set the example. We require that they keep the Sabbath. And we do it without a "we have to do this" attitude but rather with a "we get to do this" attitude.
I think you may have hit the nail on the head with it being more about the parents than the kids. They want the attention for themselves and their kids. I know too many professional performers whose families got them into the business (acting, singing, sports). It's what the parents wanted. They were the ones that led the kids to this fountain to drink out of. I've worked with some of these now adult people, lived in the ward with others. I was once involved in both sports and theater. I loved both and was good at both. I moved to LA to "turn professional." I saw how people in and out of the Church acted and decided that I just didn't want to be that sort of person. (I'm a convert to the Church, converting in my early 20's). I didn't want to "play church;" rather I wanted to be like Christ. I saw how hard it was for most who were involved in professional show business or sports to be humble and have a true testimony. Most were just trying to "look good," but as you got to know them, you found out that their life was all about them. We even saw some of that rear its head during the Proposition 8 business. Those that fought against Church counsel and followed the world have led their own children astray. The problem was that they don't really "know" God or having a proper prospective on the Gospel, of who we all are and what our mission on earth is. They have played church, giving lip service but not really understanding the Gospel. So they fought against Father and His will for his children.
Ok, rant over.
Darlene
Darlene, you wrote a long letter — but it was important enough to justify running the whole thing. You made so many good points it’s hard to single one out. I’m sure lots of us know people who don’t even go to seminary for four years, only to decide in their senior year they want to go to BYU and expect to have all the rules bent on their behalf. By the same token, we’ve all known people who get their Personal Progress or Eagle Scout awards by doing the bare minimum. People of this generation (and a lot of their parents) aren’t being taught that, “The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize.”
Your letter points out so eloquently that virtue “lying in the struggle” also applies to sports or acting or any other field where fame and fortune are the ultimate goal. There’s a lot of inherent danger in receiving acclaim for one’s achievements. If a parent chooses to avoid that particular minefield by keeping his kids out of competitive sports, who’s to say that’s a bad decision?
Our next two letters are from Australia:
Soccer mum, we may be letting our team down by not playing on a Sunday, but the way I look at it is this: Sport is not an eternal principle — the Sabbath is. Sport won't be important to your children 90 years from now, but how they kept the Sabbath will be.
Our family has been able to avoid the topic of playing on a Sunday until just recently. We cannot compromise because we set the example to our children, and believe me they are watching us very closely. If our children are taught correct principles from a very young age then they will never resent us and leave the Church over sport on Sundays. It is hard sometimes when others in the Church do play on Sundays. However, teaching them by example and testimony is always the right course. When they are old enough to leave home they then can choose for themselves.
Practical in Australia
Thanks for your advice, Practical. I liked your observation that sport is not an eternal principle, but the Sabbath is. That boils the argument down to its bare essential.
It is hard to see your kids missing out because something they want to do is on a Sunday. It can be more than sport; our children have missed also out on piano competitions and many birthday parties. It does come down to setting a rule from a very young age, explaining the reason’s for the rule and sticking to it. We also have made sure that we make up for what they missed out on in some other way. We live in an area with very small church membership and we are seen as “weird” for our strict Sabbath observance. But we have noticed people changing around us to help us be involved.
The thing we have missed the most is birthday parties, but our kids know we will not budge on this. But we always offer if they get invited to a birthday party on a Sunday we have that friend over for a special play and always buy him a present. This way our child doesn’t get left out from the friendships, and the friend knows why we have said no and that it isn’t personal. Most parents know our rules now and encourage their children to only hold parties on Saturdays.
With music competitions the kids have just accepted and realize another will come along later that they can do. I have contacted several when announced and asked for their age groups to be done on Saturdays (they are usually full-weekend events).
Sport has been hardest on one daughter — our oldest, who is only nine. Up until recently she has been doing gymnastics for years. Her training was on a weeknight, but her gradings and competitions were on a Sunday. She had been told by her coaches that she was very good and if she could go to a grading she would be considered for the National Training squad. We approached and asked for any way for it to be done on a Saturday (or if we could go anywhere else to do it on a Saturday), but they wouldn’t budge. This broke her heart when she saw a friend of hers get through to this level who isn’t a member and so had no restrictions on Sundays. She also saw both her brother and sister getting to perform in their chosen sports on Saturdays and getting awards and praise for it.
She ended up changing sports to one that did not involve any Sunday participation and she loves her new sport (martial arts). She was so excited at her first grading for this when she was able to show her skills acquired through hard work. One point with the gradings was that they were on a Saturday, and first grading was on the day of a stake temple trip. We missed the temple trip because we felt it was more important we support her in getting to her sport, since she had missed out on so much by keeping the Sabbath day holy. We have to accept that we cannot attend every church activity, but keeping the Sabbath day holy was not negotiable. Our children need to see us willing to sacrifice for them (on non-Sabbath days) and also to keep the Sabbath day holy ourselves.
It is also important to point out that they can’t do everything. Even their friends who can play sport on Sundays have some things they can’t do on other days. Sometimes they have to choose between two events (sport or music) or two party invitations. They need to understand that time is precious and everyone has to sacrifice something. You cannot do it all.
As it has always been a non-negotiable issue in our family our children, have always accepted the rule. When they get invitations to anything they always firstly check which day it is on. My children are all under 10, so who knows — it may get harder as they get older. But our 9-year-old is a lot more accepting of the rule than her 5-year-old sister, who still struggles with it and the reasons behind it.
Elissa East
Canberra, Australia
Thanks for your letter, Elissa. I like your practice of having one-on-one birthday commemorations for friends who hold their birthday parties on Sundays. That’s a good compromise for your children, and I’m sure their friends don’t mind a second, private celebration provided by you for them and your children.
Regarding playing sports on Sunday, it seems very simple to me. You have to decide which is more important to you, a commandment from the Lord, or sports.
Short and Sweet
You said it, Short. The only problem is, we’re receiving mixed messages about sports and Sundays. Our next letter presents the conundrum:
The simple fact is, professional Mormon athletes play on Sunday every week. These athletes are regularly held up to honor and praise even in the priesthood sessions of General Conference.
How can we have one standard for teens and another for very visible professionals? In our family, we believe there is a balance between sports and arts Sabbath participation, and we try our best to be reasonable.
Jerry Argetsinger
Rochester NY
Thanks, Jerry. Your letter points out that this isn’t necessarily a cut-and-dried situation. Active, faithful church members can be found on both sides of the fence.
Here’s a P.S. from Anonymous Pennsylvania Soccer Mom and Grandma, who wrote in two weeks ago (http://www.meridianmagazine.com/circleofsisters/091012sunday.html) to tell us how her son’s priesthood blessing that he would “never be held back by not playing sports on the Sabbath” was fulfilled. Her son David recently had another experience that she wanted to report. Here it is:
Just yesterday my son told his team he coaches that he won't be there for the tournament on Sunday, but another parent would cover. That father wrote back and asked him about David’s story. He said he would pray about what David said. This is a nonmember. Awesome!
Also I was reminded that David actually played on a semi-pro team in the Northeast as well. So he wasn't held back, but blessed. Hope this will touch the hearts of some of the parents that are looking for answers.
Anonymous Pennsylvania Soccer Mom and Grandma
Thanks for your postscript, Anonymous. I don’t know why it is that more of us don’t think to get priesthood blessings to help us face thorny situations, but your letter and your postscript serve as reminders of how priesthood blessings can enrich our lives.
I am a mom of five children, two of which are boys who excelled in sports. My youngest, now serving in the Belgium Brussels Netherlands Mission, was exceptionally talented in any sport he played, particularly baseball. He was a star pitcher through out his baseball career. No one could hit off "Cado." He was chosen for every all-star team and comp team that was available. Our family vacations were wherever his team was playing. All summer long we traveled to different places. When we couldn't afford to take our family and travel to far off distances, Cado would go with another family.
I am proud to say that playing on the Sabbath was never an issue for him. He even chose not to play many a championship game because they were played on Sunday. His team at first gave him a hard time and tried to coax him into playing. But as the years and baseball seasons passed, everyone, including coaches, knew Cado wouldn't be playing. He attended the games, cheering on his team, but tried to still observe the Sabbath by not participating in the games.
I am proud of this young man and his commitment to the Church. He was taught from the time he was a small boy that the Sabbath was unlike any other day and it was a day that was used to pay respect and honor his Savior and Father in Heaven. When the chance came to play baseball on Sundays, it was his choice not to. It wasn't something we had to force on him, and I know that he was an example not only to his fellow teammates, but to me as well.
There were many times that even I would think, maybe just this once. But, he even taught me, his mother, what was right. This young man, who is now serving the Lord full time, taught me an example of being a true follower of Christ. I am proud to be his mother and know that he probably had an influence on many that will forever be appreciated and recognized.
Priorities can often be clouded when good things are in question. But what are we really teaching our children when we compromise our standards when it's easier than upholding them? Even though children might have a hard time understanding our requests to keep the Sabbath day holy, in the long run they will learn that there are no compromises when it comes to keeping the Lord's commandments. Then when they are placed in a position to question or rationalize an important value, they will remember their parents’ example and commitment, even when it was hard.
Becky Carter
Ogden, Utah
Your son sounds like a real winner, Becky. Thanks for reminding us that a parent has much he can learn from his children.
In my home, my wife and I decided long ago that Sunday was not a day to play outside or participate in sports. We have never had a problem with either. We have sons who were very good basketball players at the high school level, and one of them is now walking on at college while his younger brother, who is on a mission, will be trying to do so as well upon his return.
They always understood our position and only occasionally did the topic become an item of real discussion. At those times, we made sure to include them in the process, not make it an iron fist resolution. We pretty much told them our position, why we felt it important at their age to not get involved in programs that required Sunday participation, and then let them ponder on this and make up their own minds.
For our second son, the missionary, this was particularly difficult. When he was young, in fourth grade, he was the star player and was invited to join a league of all-stars who played on Sundays. At that age we had complete decision-making responsibility but we still discussed it with our son, explaining why we felt he should not join this league. He agreed with us and we then thanked the people for their kind offer but declined.
In high school, most, if not all, of his team played on AAU teams during the summer months and he was hotly recruited (he is quite tall and you can’t teach height, as they say). We discussed the issue and he decided on his own to forgo participation although it would have helped propel him along to greater heights with additional instruction, playing and exposure to national level scouts. The cost of the program was a detriment but was not really part of the equation, because we never got to that point.
So, for us, starting at a very young age to explain why, and be firm, we instilled in our sons an understanding of the sacredness of the Sabbath day and the need to keep it holy in our lives. That firm foundation of understanding and faith helped our children to not only accept, but embrace eschewing sports on Sunday for the better and best things to be done on that sacred day.
Matt in Texas
Thanks for sharing your success story, Matt. I have no idea what “walking on” is (it’s either a Texas thing or a sports thing, and I’m a generation removed from Texas roots), but I’m sure it’s a good thing and that Texans and/or sports enthusiasts will be impressed!
Just as we earlier had two letters in a row from Australia, there are now four in a row from Washington:
I think the Ten Commandments are transparent on this one. Application is where our agency comes in, however. To me, watching sports is just the same as participating in it when it comes to Sundays. I once turned down heavy selling from a local Church leader about taking the Scouting Woodbadge course, which I found, out after further inquiry, entailed Sundays. Part of their completion is getting others to "sign on" too. He was successful with others but not me.
I have two boys who are Eagle Scouts and have worked in every conceivable Cub and Boy Scout position on the ward level. I have driven my children home from campouts when necessary so they go to Church and also let them stay when they were the chaplain. We don't participate in a lot of extracurricular activities because academics, Scouting, Activity Days, service, bi-monthly family temple trips, and YM/YW activities are more important; ward and stake activities ditto. You have to put children in places where they can feel the Spirit not necessarily see entertainment or vulgar language day in and day out.
Do we care about what is going on inside our children? I would rather they speak the language of love than the language of their own aspirations. In our home we focus on what we can do for the good of humanity, be it through academics, service, any talent, or other means. I did learn to enjoy football games, though, when we made time for band. Anything having to do with Sundays is an automatic "no go." The children have invented and developed some awesome Family Home Evenings when, instead of studying for school, on Sundays when preparing for FHE.
I too have seen many youth and parents go less-active and then stone cold due to a variety of extracurricular activities — from gymnastics, swimming, to rescue dog training, and soccer. I have also heard all of the usual excuses. Some parents feel that their children can only be talented in one thing. Wrong! By having a narrow focus you actually make your child burn out or overlook the Best activities while settling for Good or Better alternatives.
If we pray about our own involvement and that of our children we can give the Spirit the freedom to touch our hearts and make more out of our family than we could ever hope or dream for. Don't be myopically focused on the "college scholarship" when deciding upon activities; let your covenants be your guide. We already make that decision a long time ago. Must we create drama and anxiety over every request the world throws us?
Michele
Washington
Frankly, Michele, I don’t know how teenagers do it these days, with all the extracurricular activities that are expected of them in addition to their church activities. So often there is the veiled threat that the kids won’t get into BYU if they don’t participate in x-number of extracurricular projects. I don’t know where this sense of doom comes from — whether there’s any validity to it, or whether parents just know the competition to get into a church school is so great that only the cream of the crop will be accepted. I do wish, however, that life were a little less complicated and that kids could just be allowed to be kids.
I feel that when a person makes a decision it should be with an eternal perspective; therefore sports and Sundays don't mix! Although I am not a parent yet I have had a lot of experiences desiring to do things on Sundays and learning why it's more important to keep the Sabbath day holy.
Everybody knows that when a child is involved in sports the choice of whether or not to go to a Sunday game/practice will have to be confronted. The choice itself should be simple: the Lord has commanded us to keep our Sundays holy; but it's us wanting to put other reasons first that makes the choice conflicting. I personally have always wondered why people sometimes find these decisions difficult to make and stick with since the issue is clearly spelled out in the Strength for Youth pamphlet and in Exodus.
As for the parent perspective, I have three thoughts for you to consider:
- Sports is not the only gift that your child has or can excel at. The key is being willing to let go of your dreams and letting your child find his/her own. (I only say this because a lot of the sports-involved friends I have made have told me that their parents put them into soccer, football, or whatever. They didn't actually realize it without a large measure of parental pressure. No offense meant.)
- The commandments have been given to us by God to see how far we are willing to go. Now for deep doctrine application: Who is going to be able to be in the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom — the only level where people can continue having posterity into the eternities? It's going to be those that were "steadfast, and immovable always abounding in good works" — the ones who were "an example of the believers" (basically the people who were valiant). Therefore our obedience to the abovementioned commandment is going to be one of the factors that determine where we go in the next life.
- Sports should not cause an adverse impact on the individual or family. Sports should be about fitness. Intramural sports are all about cooperation, skills, and inclusiveness; Special Olympics is an excellent model. Let's see where our sports culture has got us in the field of higher education. Can you see the problem of cutting programs but having monumental sports stadiums like Roman culture?
Andrew
Washington
It was great to hear a teenager’s perspective, Andrew. I was particularly intrigued by your observation that, “The key is being willing to let go of your dreams and letting your child find his own.” I think when the time comes, you’re going to be a wise parent.
I think that it is up to our own minds if we let our kids play sports on Sundays or even participate in sports. It is a matter between God, the Holy Ghost and us. We should strive to obey the prophets’ counsel, though, because they speak with the Holy Spirit.
Even though we may tell our kids that it is not best to play sports on Sundays, we are only saying that for their good. In the long run they will thank us for advising them not to play because when they're older, they will have the same concerns for their children. We as parents are only trying to help keep them on the straight and narrow path because there are many temptations along the road that may seem as insignificant as a choice like playing sports on Sunday — but that choice has repercussions and consequences that follow it.
Monique
Washington
Monique’s letter was followed a half hour later by Christopher, from the same email address. It was the first time I’ve been tag-teamed by a husband and wife, and I was proud for the milestone:
This is a tricky question. When contemplating a solution, it is important that we remember that whatever the course of action we, as parents, should seek to convey gospel truths through persuasion, patience, and love unfeigned. The child, if above the age of eight, should be left to make that chose of where to honor the Sabbath day or not. They have their agency. But we as parents should not aid and abet things that contribute to our children not receiving the blessings of Sabbath worship. You also have choices over transportation and cooperation.
Christopher
Washington
I liked the image of “aiding and abetting” a child who chooses Sunday activities, Christopher. But as “Gymnast’s Parents” pointed out in the first sports-related letter in today’s column, we do need to make sure it’s done with an outpouring of love.
We ran into this problem two years ago with our son who plays travel soccer. He is now 10 and we have put into place something that works for us, but may not work for everyone based on where they live.
We are blessed to live in an area that offers many different meeting times, in different buildings. We always attend our meetings, whether in our home ward or visiting somewhere in the area. It has worked out well and has showed our sons that we will not be giving up church to go to these games. They both understand that Sunday is the Sabbath whether we are in our home ward or visiting another and then at the soccer games.
We do not go out to eat with the other families on Sundays either, and our sons know it is because it is Sunday and tell their teammates that. It has provided great missionary moments for our son on the team as well as the one on the sidelines.
We are thankful for the opportunity we have to live in an area where attending other wards is an option. My husband played travel soccer growing up and missed church very often. He felt strongly that we not put our boys in the same position while still being able to give them the opportunity to play the sport they all love. It takes organization and a lot of advance preparation, but we have been able to make it work for our family.
Anonymous Mother of Two Boys
Thanks for letting us know about the way you’ve worked out the situation in your family, Anonymous Mother. It’s good to know that your solution has resulted in missionary moments, as your sons explain why they do things differently from the other players on the team.
Read on for views from a mother who adopted a similar solution to yours:
Wow! I’m so glad people brought this up. We live in the Midwest area and soccer is still in a pioneering stage because many adults have never played it. My son is a very talented athlete who happened to be the same age as the son of a former World Cup/Olympic soccer professional in our town. Consequently, my son was coached by a professional soccer player for almost eight years.
We are converts to the Church and went by the example of three strong families in our ward who also allowed their children to play travel soccer. In our community the coaching is pathetic at the recreational level because most adults have never played the sport themselves. What a shame to penalize a gifted person. We tried our best to stay active in church and participate.
Meanwhile, all those eight years, my son and husband would juggle attending other wards on Sundays and we would make sure to have Family Home Evening and youth activities. We remained very active. However, I just hated it personally. Soccer is over the top in this country with being a year-round sport. The costs involved can sometimes involve four tournaments a semester, and as they get older the travel grows further and further distant. We were always careful to attend events with our son because we did not want him spending the night in hotels with nonmember families. The costs never seemed to end.
Drinking is definitely part of team athletic culture with the coaches and families. A few of us came forward and specifically asked that no adults drink in front of our boys at the hotel during tournaments. But, at every social activity for families, there was always a lot of alcohol in front of the kids. We did, however, have the chance to meet some outstanding families and become good friends with them. After all, we spent several hours with them every week. Interestingly, after eight years of travel soccer, my son quit “cold turkey” on his own.
Due to many events and bits of information, my son lost his motivation to continue. We were informed by the Institute director at a major university in our state that every single athlete he knew at that school went inactive during his seven-year tenure. College athletes are immersed in non-church culture all day — every day — and it finally wears them down. Also, we were told that it is very rare for a boy to get a soccer college scholarship (female soccer scholarships are more common). My son is an outstanding scholar and does not need to have a sports scholarship. In addition, we were told that BYU has a semi-professional men’s soccer team that is nearly impossible for an athlete from America to get into. I’m sure there is an exception out there in America who is a member of the Church.
After his freshman year of soccer, the character of many of the boys on the team was not compatible with an LDS lifestyle. My son did not like spending a lot of time with that group of boys and was embarrassed by their behavior. By this time he had grown very active on the band drum line and actually quit soccer to be in a nationally recognized percussion program year-round. We have found that the music environment at school is much more in harmony with our religious culture. We rarely have a Sabbath issue. The clientele involved tends to not heavily drink, and many of them attend a church regularly. Because of the elevated level of year-round percussion competitions, it was not possible for my son to do both soccer and drum line.
So, that is our story. I think soccer is an awesome sport that can become a year-round out-of- control monster in this country. I don’t know any easy answer. In our state, one cannot participate in soccer at a gifted level without going “travel,” and I try not to judge the people who do it.
Former Soccer Mom turned Band Mom
You’re wise, Band Mom, to try not to judge people who have chosen to do things differently from you — even though you’re someone who has seen the issue from both sides. Thanks for telling us your family’s experience. Travel sports really do involve the whole family, don’t they?
Read on for a letter from a Canadian mom who implores us not to judge others for the decisions they make:
I just read your article about sports on Sunday. This has been a huge dilemma for me for years. I have three children, and all three play sports. I agree we should not become obsessed with sports. However, if you have a child who shows great passion in something, how do we not allow them to succeed in that? Are we not told to develop our talents?
I sometimes feel those who get all funny about too much sports are those that simply do not enjoy sports so of course they are not going to be supportive. Playing sports can keep kids out of trouble, teach them about hard work, and many other things.
Unfortunately I do not live in Utah where most children do not have to choose between going to church or attending their championship soccer game. It is a huge dilemma and I am sure I do not always make the right choice when it comes to playing on Sundays. However, I also know that my kids have strong testimonies and we always try to keep the Sabbath day holy. They understand that unfortunately there is not much respect for the Sabbath where we live and everything, and I mean everything is scheduled on Sunday.
If you have an extremely talented child who aspires to be a great athlete or musician, there are going to be occasional Sunday conflicts. However, I think it's an individual choice and between the individual families and the Lord on what they should do. We should avoid judging those who might make a decision that we might not make.
Also, have you ever been to a BYU football game? Latter-day Saints love their sports and what is wrong with that? All those players did not get there without the odd Sunday game or practice (unless they grew up in Utah or some other heavily populated LDS community).
I feel sick to my stomach every time I realize there is going to be a Sunday conflict, but how do I tell my daughter who has made a provincial team (equivalent to a state team) and aspires to play soccer for BYU someday that she can no longer play because it requires a Sunday once in awhile?
Heather (Eastern Canada)
Thanks for reminding us, Heather, that everyone’s story is different. As for BYU football games, I attended BYU for five years — the first three as a nonmember. Coming from a public high school in Louisiana where the coaches would take players out of the game who exhibited any form of poor sportsmanship, I was stunned (let’s use the Mormon term — “shocked and appalled”) to attend my first BYU basketball game and see the behavior of the players and the fans. I’m trusting things have changed in the past thirty-plus years, and that there’s some degree of civilization even during feverish moments. Attending those basketball games didn’t push me toward my eventual conversion.
The article about Sunday soccer is just excellent! It is so timely. Almost all LDS families are faced with Sunday sports, be it on the field or on the screen. It is an issue that each individual has to face in respect to the commandment to keep the Sabbath day holy.
Thank you for including all the various opinions and solutions in this article. I found myself rethinking some of my approaches to this matter. Our three children are grown and on their own, so we don't face the Sunday games and practices anymore, but one writer pointed out the fact that this matter of sports (and other "lessons" that kids go to, such as martial arts, music, and others) may have become "gods" in our homes, pulling parents and children apart with the time commitments. TV shows, books, checking out yard sales, camping, fishing, and many other activities can also become "gods" to us, taking us from our families and/or our worship of the One God. That was a new thought to me — and one that I need to address in my daily life.
Also, I want to thank you for putting the link to the Book of Mormon study group on the Internet (Candleman). Being homebound (and 60 miles from the nearest ward), I don't get out to visit with others and to learn from other Latter-day Saints. So I rely on LDS blogs and sites for "company" and the sharing of ideas. This will be a great boon to my scripture study! I even sent the link on to six others of my family and friends, inviting them to join, too. That link is just what I need, and I hope at least one of them joins so I can get to know them better than I do now! (Of course, I also want them to join if it will help them with their personal scripture study.)
Nancy Mitchell
Thief River Falls, Minnesota
I’m glad you appreciated the link to the Book of Mormon blog, Nancy. I don’t know the guy who runs it so I’m certainly not getting paid to endorse his site, but Candleman is performing a great service with these daily devotionals. His entry for 1 Nephi chapter 3 was inspiring (along with the comments of other readers), and I’m sure there are going to be many other inspirational postings. Readers, if you haven’t discovered it yet, you can still get in on the ground floor and reread The Book of Mormon with the rest of us.
By the way, if you’re looking for places where you can share ideas with other Latter-day Saints, don’t forget www.nauvoo.com. This site, sponsored by Orson Scott Card, has been operating for nearly twenty years. If you visit the site, be sure to tell the moderator, Everyday Grace, I said hello.
Here’s our very last letter on the subject of Sunday sports. Next time we’ll have a new topic to stir your emotions and your intellect:
I think a lot of parents feel that pressure. I have an 11-year-old son who plays football. We also have three Mormon football players who happen to play for the Baltimore Ravens and live in our area. Of course they play on Sundays; it is their living and they should. These pro athletes are fine examples to my son. I know for example that John Beck served a mission. I'm sure that these football players will also tell you their mothers raised them to obey the Sabbath while they were young.
Last year we had several football games that were pushed to Sunday due to bad weather and scheduling mishaps. My son felt the pressure from the coaches and parents who didn't want to lose the game and needed him to play. He didn't give it a second thought and stood firm on his decision to obey the Sabbath. I have always cut out newspaper clippings of LDS pro football players who have served missions and been great examples to hang on my son's bulletin board so he can see that they, too, served the Lord first and chose football second.
From an early age we didn't allow our children to schedule play dates, birthday parties, sports or anything else that would detract from Sunday worship. With life as hectic as it is, running in every direction every day of the week, why wouldn't you want to take advantage of the Sabbath day and be together as a family?
These are the latter days, and our children will be facing so many difficult decisions and pressures. This shouldn't be one of them; this should be a given. I know how competitive sports can be. We had 60 kids try out for 30 positions for our JV football team. Half of them didn't make it. They practice every night of the week for two to three hours, then get up at 5:30am to get ready for school.
I would rather my son not make the football team and have temporary disappointment, rather than choose not to obey the Lord’s commandments and have eternal disappointment. These children chose to come here in these the last days to be the elect and best. Parents, let them choose for themselves. They won't let you down!
Proud Maryland MOM
Your letter was the only one I received, MOM, that mentioned the positive example that Mormon pro athletes can have on young people. I was glad to run it. Thanks for sending it.
Okay, people, I’m off on vacation. When I return, we’ll start a new topic.
Until next time — Kathy
“The virtue lies in the struggle, not in the prize.”
Richard Monckton Milnes
